Cat is missing - probably pd neighbor. Can't deal.

[foobarred]

I'm sorry, guys, but I'm in a really dark place here and I don't know how to handle it.

We have a neighbor who lives across the street with his wife.  They both openly admitted to hating cats, and many people have accused them of poisoning, trapping, or killing them.  The cat colony that used to live at that end of the apartment complex has been decimated, with the cats either vanishing or showing up dying of poison.  They hate life so much they even put spikes on top of their property walls to keep off birds, and electrified them so that the birds would be killed.  I saw the wires myself.  They've been reported many times, but the authorities always say there's no evidence, and no one wants to mess with them b/c they're both lawyers.

I have (had?..)  a cat who was a darling, but who was impossible to keep indoors.  I wanted to move, but finding a cheap 0lace in this area is not easy.  I tried three radio/gps collars so I would know where he was, but none of them were accurate enough or reliable enough to use.  I tried to keep him indoors at night, tried to discourage h8m from going across the street.

I returned the last collar on wednesday, and he went missing the following monday.

I knew at once something was wrong, because he always comes h9me at night.  I've done flyers, I've posted online, I've searched the neighborhood mx times.  It's like he vanished off the face of the earth.  I ran into those neighbors twice - the first time they denied my cat ever went over there, the second time they admitted he sometimes sat under the hedge on their property line.

I'm devastated and can't even put into words how dark the emotions are that I'm feeling. I'm seething with anger, hatred, violence, and self-loath8ng.   I hear him miaowing and keep running to the door, but there's no one there.  So far I,ve shattered  two pieces of china and a murano glass figurine, and murdered a sofa pillow with the chef knife.  I spent an hour sweeping up the shards, hoping one of them would cut me.  I can't stop thinking about my cat, what he might have suffered, praying that if he's with them he's dead already.  Do you know what a foul emotion that is? To pray that something you love is dead, because the alternatives are worse.

I don't want to talk to T - she'll just lecture me again on how I need more friends, and how much better things are with a support group.  She doesn't GET it.  These are not the emotions you share with friends.  This is not the side of yourself you show to people you have to look in the face every day.  I can't talk to f*cking DPDmom, she is absolutely USELESS for emotional support, b/c either she'll give me a trite answer or she'll just get upset and then I have to deal with that.

I hate myself because I saw it coming, I've had forebodings for a year now.  But I always rationalized it, and there was always something else to work on, some other dumpster fire in my life that needed attention.  Got to do that inner work, yanno?  Except it took away time from other things.

And now he's gone an there's nothing I can do and no way to find out what really happened to him.  No way to get justice or seek retaliation (unless I'm willing to go to prison myself).  No way to stop them from doing it again to the next cat.  And I just. can't. deal.

I don't know what to do.

[Andeza]

If somebody hurt one of my fur babies, I'd be upset. Heck, the thought makes me sick. I am so, so sorry, both for you that you're going through this and for your little guy.

I understand your dark place though. I've been there. I think most of us probably have at one point or another. Not a whole lot helps. In fact the only thing that ever helped me was to make myself busy. Books, video games, anything mind consuming particularly. After a while, several weeks of that, I'd start to think about my pain less. It would still hurt and I'd still be angry, but less frequently. And no, I wouldn't want the company of people either in your predicament. But that's me. Introvert. Hot tempered. Cat lover. Yup.

Sometimes you don't have to know what to do. You just have to survive. Plans for the future can wait until you've made it through this. But... I might put in a call to every freaking animal advocacy group in a hundred mile radius... And the news... Yeah. That's just me though.

[clara]

I would have a really, really hard time with this as well, foobarred.  Honestly, my reaction would be yours--rage and frustration and endless worry/thinking about it.  I know there are people who can let stuff like that go, but a lot of us just can't, and we have a hard time re-focusing that negative energy into something positive because of our internal wiring.  It takes a lot more effort, and you can get frustrated with the effort.  You start to think,  Why can't I handle this?!  They can! 

For me, I just realize I have to feel what I feel.  It is what it is.  I don't necessarily give in (and make things worse for myself) but I don't deny what's going on in my head.  And I don't try to understand people who do evil.  I don't care about them.  Hating them isn't worth the energy.  You're better than they are. I'm better than they are.  We're better than they are.   Even if they're sociopaths, if you read in depth about sociopaths you'll find they actually are miserable, unhappy people despite their outward appearance.  The PD itself will dictate that.  And while you may not be around to witness it, it's likely some day they'll get what they deserve.  I've seen it happen with people I've known like that.  At some point, they step over the line, and over that line is someone who's waiting.  Really, I'm not just saying that, I've seen it.

So, hang on and keep hanging on.  Time may not heal all wounds but they definitely lessen and migrate to a place where you can more easily manage them. 

[Starboard Song]

Please take a look at our Crisis Resources and consider reaching out.

This post includes violent ideation, and you aren't feeling that your T is a full solution. Please try to find what you need, because you can be of so much value here and in your real world community. But to be of value, we need you safe and healthy.

Good luck.