Co-worker is "nice" but I see the other side

[Cascade]

I work with this woman who I suspect has a PD. We work at a non-profit, and sometimes we get donations of food. I found about 12 packages of something edible, an expensive health food brand. It was close to being expired so I gave a few away to some of my co-workers, kept one for myself and brought the rest to the staff kitchen. Is this a reasonable response of my part?  Well a few hours later she texted me all upset wondering where they went.  She said she was going to "buy" them all and she was so sad that they were gone. I told her where they were and she went and got the rest of them. Why she thinks they should all be hers I'll never know. She is wealthy, so it's not like she is struggling to buy food.

I see other PD tendencies in her too, not just the above example.  I don't understand why it is so easy for me to see through her, while others think she is so nice. She is good friends with the manager so she gets away with breaking all sorts of rules as well.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

This seems sort of like your co-worker was acting a bit entitled, and had already tagged the expiring items as hers. You on the other hand distributed them to the team and put them in a common area where others could enjoy. It sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Such actions can even have the side benefit of providing a morale boost which is usually quite welcome. I would think instead of igniting her anger, it would have been something she could have simply enjoyed with the rest of the team. I am sorry you were on the receiving end of that angry text and I think you did not deserve it.
   
I believe those with PD however mostly cannot recognize the shared benefits of such actions, and seem to sort of be more takers than givers. I do not know why others cannot see through their behaviors. It can be exasperating to feel like you are the only one who sees the emperor has no clothes. I think when you get Out of the FOG, many things become easier to identify regardless of the facade.

[treesgrowslowly]

My guess is that the reason you can see through her and others can't is that some of them are not thinking much about it at all. Until it really affects them, they might not see it. But that certainly doesn't mean her narcissism isn't there. Trust your gut.

Once you are trained to see something - whether it is the ability to diagnose why a car rattle sound is happening, or how narc behaviours work, it is impossible not to see these things. Mechanics have trained their ears to pick up on weird sounds when a car is running. It is the same with detecting narc behaviours in someone we spend time with. Once we learn how to do it - we're going to be able to pick up on the fact that the person is not listening to us, doesn't want to share, is acting entitled, and so on.

The topic of narcissists at the office has come up regularly on this site. They tend to use the power dynamics in the office to their advantage so I am not surprised that this woman is friends with the manager as you say.

Since narcissism is all about getting supply from others, they use the office for this purpose. Through various actions and dramas, their behaviours will be aimed at controlling their access to narc supply - who is willing to give it, who is buying into their 'nice' act and who they do not get supply from.

They will often actively sabotage the efforts of nons (i.e. non disordered people) who are acting out of generosity and kindness, because the narc sees that as a threat to their status in that social group. They also believe that if someone else has done something kind or generous at the office, that person is stealing the spotlight from them (because they are self-absorbed, they believe the spotlight is by default, on them, and "how dare you" steal it from them. This twisted thinking is a hall mark of narcissism).

Honestly, I have watched office narcissists act in truly awful ways - without empathy they lack the insight to behave in socially functional ways. And it can feel baffling that they are able to get away with it over and over in such places.

Make no mistake, this person will detect that you are not giving her 'narc supply'. Even if she is covert and good at hiding her true feelings, every narc I have seen, has behaviours targeted at people, based on how much supply that person is giving them.

For them, it's not about getting along, or having healthy office friendships or contributing to a good office culture. It's all about supply for the narcissists. It sucks having them at work. Sorry to hear you are dealing with this.

I wonder if she would have had that same reaction if the manager-friend had been the one to do what you did, and share the food with others at the office?

Trees

[Cascade]

Thanks for your caring replies, and for explaining this situation to me. I try to avoid her as best as I can.