Long road still ahead but maybe some light at the end of that tunnel

[ToAudrey]

So at one point lately uPDh and I had discussed separating but for short term doing more of a parenting marriage (for me mainly because I am the only one that works and cannot afford to set him up in a separate household and he doesn't "feel" he could look for work for a couple more years +pandemic would be difficult anyways as not much skill set wise). Wasn't certain how much he "got it" (I had to explain what platonic meant  and he didn't understand that I wouldn't want to right away date as in why not keep things as in if there was no immediate plan to find another...um because in need to heal from how I've been treated for a decade) and emotionally I'm pretty well done after some of the vile words and twisting during the last couple of anger blowups.

Recently, he was on one of his five hour phone calls talking at a friend and mentioned "our friendship" then afterwards came to talk to me about how much he appreciates that I haven't kicked him out and how hard it would be to be out on his own during these times etc etc. And how we have a friendship roommate thing and marriage on paper. I didn't want to press the long term not having a marriage at all but mentioned how good it will be for him to get more independence as time goes on. I've found I'm very codependent and had made the perfect PD freeloader nest and have since been having him pay some of his own bills online and be more aware of how much of the budget is spending money.

Not sure if it was just a "poor me" kind of thing or if he really gets that emotionally I'm done. Doesn't seem to get that the ride is not forever but I am willing to take baby steps at this point. So for now I have a roommate that I pay (wrong way round lol) that does chores when they feel like it and interacts with our child when they feel like it. In a lull for anger blow ups so time will tell if he will scream and yell at a roommate or not. More importantly it's been a week at least since the last time yelling at the little one. Still too busy on the phone most of the time for the little one though. 

Really need to start journaling because I start to forget how long ago the last behavior was! Been more of baiting for jealously than baiting for an argument since I've gone more MC and working on detachment.

So potentially great news I think. Not as free in my home as I want to be but it does feel a bit lighter.

[notrightinthehead]

Baby steps can go a long way. Don't allow yourself to be yelled at. The moment you notice that an explosion is coming, remove yourself and your kid  to a safe place.
Also consider how  comfortable you want to make the life for your room mate.

[clara]

I think journaling will help because it will give you a reminder, in black and white, of what happens on a daily basis.  Often we overlook or forget how common the behavior is, and start regarding it as once in awhile, or on occasion, when in reality it's constant and almost daily.  When you see the facts set down as facts and not something you rely on your memory to recall, it can be quite jarring.  When you start wavering, it brings reality back into focus. 

[ToAudrey]

Clara yes I have got to start as at the time I think I'll remember and while I remember the most hurtful things said I lose track of how long ago it was (was it last week, 3 days ago?). And start to think maybe I'm just exaggerating because on a particular day the behavior is ok. Then too also accepting behaviors that are not good for my child like ignoring them but "at least isn't yelling".

Notrightinthehead good point about how comfortable I want to make things. It's pretty dang comfortable right now! Perhaps along with journaling I should get more specific on my goals for what would "not being taken advantage of" look like to me.