Taking the kitchen back.

[1footouttadefog]

We have a smallish house with a finished basement. I have written here before about how I had made a separate living space for myself in the basement.  Over the years I had perfected it and how the space was used etc.

Then more recently things went downhill with pdh.  Things went to a place of weird and even scary I never knew they could.  Part of it all was his extreme usage of over the counter nasal spray leading to psychosis. 

Regardless of the causes, I am not willing to live with him in the same space 24/7.  Things were so bad at the point he was an intake at a psych ward, I did not think he would be coming home.  They were able to stabilize him, but damage had been done to trust and for my daughter's sake I refuse to have him on top us us childishly demanding attention 24/7.  Additionally he had become gross to be around as he is very child like and has poor grooming and hygiene skills and poor social skills when eating.  As one example he will not use a tissue to blow his nose, he just snorts like a bull.  When called out on this he will say well there's nothing in there.  If you answer back... then why are you snorting out,... he gets angry and acts like he is being ganged up on. 

He lived in our kitchen.  Quite literally most waking hours were spent in the kitchen.  He had a desk against one wall and ate at that desk, watched TV at that desk, did ocd writing of numbers on paper, list making of trivia facts, and cutting little strips of paper and other weird things at that table.  By being centered there he was able to derail most conversations and when not doing so he turned up this tv volume to force his oldies music on the kids, etc.  We don't have loud noise in the kitchen 24/7 now and I can listen to a podcast while watching dishes. 

Over time we all had started cooking less and doing less in the kitchen.  There is a small kitchenette in the basement with a stand alone island from Ikea, I built it myself, assembled the cabinets and hung them and installed sink and dishwasher including plumbing and electric work.   When we made the"living room"for pdh's apartment a large dining table lost it's home.  It must now go where the kitchen island was and have leaves removed. 

Again the loss of a perfect entertaining area and the reality that those days are gone for now. It's okay I am a fair person and pdh will have a decent space because that is how I roll.  Sacrifices are the norm when living with a pd.  Not to be confused with compromise as that is a two sided exchange for mutual benefit.

His desk table went to his apt so I finally brought the displaced Island upstairs.  I now have 6 feet of counter top and 4 huge drawers added to a not so big kitchen.

I rounded up nice appliances that I researched and shopped long and hard for many years ago and bought on sale and put them on the counter.  Baskets with the parts and gadgets are neatly handy in the drawers. 

I have made some up scale meals this week and had fun doing so.  PDH was very happy with his dinners and the left overs I supplied for his lunch.  (His preferred lunch)

I made some good bread for the first time in a while also.  I am glad to have my kitchen back.  We also like having the living room for relaxing and reading.   

It goes against the minimalism trend to have appliances out and ready for use, but I am liking the practicality   They were bought for function and not style so they don't match.  But it's so cool to think meatballs and the food processor is out and ready to mince up the ginger I harvested this week with some lemon grass and cilantro with crackers to be mixed with meat.  No climbing on a step ladder to retrieve the blade of choice.  No deciding it's not worth it because ai can make something quicker to get out if the kitchen sooner.  I had forgotten how much I can do in a toaster oven.

What is really cool is that this joy making change is benefitting everyone , even pdh who is all about the food and comes up to dinner and lunch most days.  And while I lost my downstairs retreat, I am regaining the main level of the house. 

I also finally got the nasty dark grime off of the textured tub bottom, then bought myself a new shower curtain, and shower head, ...  living in luxury.

It's like I moved and in reality I did. After 10 years I moved back to where I lived before. Even though it's at the same address, I moved.  So weird.  It's taken all these weeks to make this new setup work, and to get unpacked into the new spaces using "new" furniture etc

But hey, I got my kitchen back. 

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I really enjoyed reading that. I dream a lot of reclaiming the house. Not sure how fair or unfair that is since it's his house too, but I dream of it. And it does feel unbalanced because he does not have any unmet dreams in that regard and I do, so we are effectively living how he wants and not in mutual compromise. And being homebound in a space that is a stressor rather than sanctuary has really taken its toll.

[1footouttadefog]

I hope you can find ways to peacefully make progress toward your goals. 

It seems selfish to me at times because I am programmed to always consider others first.  But in reality I am the cook and PDH lives eating more than life. 

He amazingly seems happy in his own space and is getting ready to put his poster sized pictures of himself from his service days on the walls. (Almost a comic charactature of a narcissist but it's true there are dozens of them)   He has his groceries all in little rows on a table top and his hats all on display etc. He has little lists taped to the walls and his desktop.  He is free to do what he wants and no one is hindering him.  I am glad for him.  I am glad it's working for now. 

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It does seem like he's happy to have his own space as well. Free to put up narc art lol.

I did make progress lately, since H moved his boxes to his room and I got a cleaning service in. In a few months I can start decluttering some stuff with DD.

H doesn't notice or care about squalor but was unexpectedly happy about the results of the cleaning service. He even waited 24 hours before he started just leaving soda cans on the counter again.

[Andeza]

Oh 1foot! I'm so happy for you.

[Lauren17]

1foot,
I am so pleased to hear that there has been some good to come out of the terrible situation with your H and the nasal spray.
I recently moved out of the "marital home" and I am finding the free-of-PD husband kitchen to be a source of comfort.  As I got things in place, I felt a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.  One night, as I was chopping onions, I felt a niggle of what I think might have been....happiness.
I will be thinking of you finding peace in your kitchen when I am working in mine. 

P.S.  My appliances are also un-hidden and mismatched. They're for using, not for looking pretty.

[GentleSoul]

Thank you for sharing, I enjoyed reading your post.  I am happy for you. 

I related to a lot in your share.  My late uPDh took over our home with his compulsive hoarding.  It was horrendous.  I now have a clean space back.

Sending best wishes to you and we both enjoy our lovely spaces.

[SeaBreeze]

So encouraging and inspiring to read of how you are re-claiming space in your home!

Years ago, my uNPD mom lived with me several months during one of her homeless spells. I furnished a room in the basement for her, under the guise of giving her space, but really it was to give me and the kids some space from her! But being her, she gradually took over the common areas of the house. She hijacked a livingroom chair, then stole my favorite bed pillow (by SITTING on it), then the TV. Then the dining table as her "office" (she actually referred to it as HER table by the time she moved out!) Before I discovered Out of the FOG and even had the vocabulary to describe these things (or knew how to set better boundaries) my oldest DS (then a teenager) observed that my mom "absorbed things" to dominate space. Wow, out of the mouths of babes!

I haven't been able to un-see DS's apt metaphor since. I've come to realize uNPDh "absorbs things" too. Granted, it's H's house too --  he's not a houseguest like my mother was -- but we don't share what should be OUR house. Rather, H literally dominates space with items, noise, his very presence. Very much as you and others have described here and on other threads.

I've spent the past few years claiming more space in what is my home too, both physical space and mental space. Reading your post resonates deeply with me. Fist bumps and high fives as you not only reclaim your home but reclaim YOU. 

[JustKeepTrying]

Congratulations on reclaiming the kitchen.  And an extra kudos on the DIY - impressive.

[1footouttadefog]

Now in his own space he is spreading all of his belongings out on the surfaces.  He seems to have a need to see all of his food stuffs and instead of placing them in the cabinet storage in the kitchen unit I bought and put together, he has them in rows on the top of the tables, a book shelf and such.

I was tempted to put it all away but , NOPE it's his space. I will clean the area but not relocate his stuff.  It's so weird though.  Any day now he will start driving picture hangers in the walls and hang his posters.  I will live with the damage to dry wall knowing paint and spackle will be part of the future. 

In the mean time I have space in  my kitchen I am not sure what to do with.   I will look for ideas online and thumb through magazines at Barnes and Nobles. 

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Yes, his stuff! 

I have actually found JOY in letting other people have their stuff. I feel like it's very freeing for me, and a manifestation of a loving spirit.

So I can relate!!

The problem of course being when other people's stuff infringes on my stuff! And THAT is the story of the human race - and life on earth!