The lovebomb

[escapingman]

This is terror. STBX keep sending me messages about how much she love me, I am finding notes in my bags about her love for me. When I was home she told me every time we passed each other in the house. I have told her to stop but she knows no boundaries. I have been away for 24 hours now, but I am seriously thinking I can never go back. It's killing me to see this charade that I know us just her trying g to get me back in so she can continue as normal again. If she would have cared she should have changed when I was at breaking point and begged her to stop her abuse, but no she laughed at me and continued. Now I am supposed to believe her? No I don't think so! I am currently enjoying a glass if cold beer completely on my own and just enjoy the peace and quiet.

[SonofThunder]

This is terror. STBX keep sending me messages about how much she love me, I am finding notes in my bags about her love for me. When I was home she told me every time we passed each other in the house. I have told her to stop but she knows no boundaries. I have been away for 24 hours now, but I am seriously thinking I can never go back. It's killing me to see this charade that I know us just her trying g to get me back in so she can continue as normal again. If she would have cared she should have changed when I was at breaking point and begged her to stop her abuse, but no she laughed at me and continued. Now I am supposed to believe her? No I don't think so! I am currently enjoying a glass if cold beer completely on my own and just enjoy the peace and quiet.

EM, in a past purposeful separation period I had with my uPDw, I witnessed the temporary return of love-bombing that was exactly what i experienced during my dating years.  It was very interesting, as it became clear, decades later, to understand how i was captured by the past love-bombing technique. 

Now that im Out of the FOG, i will surely recognize love-bombing for what it is, which is a lure.  I will now never forget that lures are designed to have a barbed, sharp tip, hidden under the disguise of attraction and facade.  I will also never forget that my uPDw will always be a PD. 

Every time I visit a zoo, those amazing, beautiful, graceful tigers, cheetahs and leopards remind me that what lies behind that beauty is a wild animal that is a natural predator, and be thankful I am protected from harm from these creatures, by designed distance and an impenetrable boundary.

I wish you joy as you enjoy your cold beer, on your own, in peace and quiet and distance.  I wish that for you and your kids for a lifetime. 

SoT

[hhaw]

EM:

WHen my ASPD stbx was lovebombing me it was more upsetting than the threats he made.....and it showed up in my mental health.  I would vomit in my mouth, it was that upsetting. 

Please be mindful of how you'll appear when sharing those lovely notes from your wife as most people VIEW them as positive.
They're likely view your response/reaction as the upsetting part, IME bc they don't understand WHY someone being kind and loving would be upsetting TO YOU.   I heard some people say "Well, that's not bad..... he's obviously a nice guy" and "I would have done anything to hear my husband say those things at ANYTIME."

People who don't understand the cycle of abuse won't understand the lovebombing phase for what it is... disturbing, disruptive and crazy making to the people who've been driven to divorce by the PD's mistreatment.  One thing PDs DO well is manufacture chaos and confusion.... it follows them around like a cloud, IME. 

I guess I'm saying...... when organizing your evidence, put the lovebombing stuff in it's own file and don't show it to everyone...maybe?  Think about how your case will appear when you include ONLY the harm and leave out the lovebombing.  You'll likely have to explain this cycle and how it's impacted your life negatively as sbtx always goes back to being abusive after convincing you she'll change.  She's done this over the last 15 years many times..... it's a pattern. 

Maybe discern your most convincing and powerful evidence and always refer back to it, and harm to the children, no matter what comes up.  Just know you'll likely not get the response you expect if you bring up the lovebombing phase, IME.

  It's likely the PD will present her lovebombing activities while claiming to be a woman who "just wants to be the best mother and wife she CAN be."  She'll whine and complain you won't ALLOW her to try or BE those things while pointing to any moment you've lost your temper or failed to be polite as though it's THE cause of anything you can prove. 

THAT will likely be her story....... for a while.  When you fail to comply she'll see the situation as AN ATTACK FROM YOU forcing her hand and making her escalate to things like accusing you of abusing her and the children. 

You already undertand stbx is unable to self reflect, making it necessary to blame everyone and everything outside herself. That's unlikely to change, IME so don't fall for her pleadings or promises if you can help it.  I know it's difficult, bc it's what your soul has yeared for the past 15 years.
,
The stbx knows what bothers you.  She understands what makes you tick and will do and say things she intuitively undersatnds will drive you to your knees and force you to STOP the divorce or course of action she's working on.... like getting rid of the attorneys, but stay the course and remember the stbx will bleat and cry and scream and rip her clothing in order to APPEAR victimized while you remain constant and stoic likely while makes you appear cold to her suffering IF people fail to see you're the one being abuse and it's likely some people WILL fail to see that if you don't hold their hand and spoon feed them the evidence to prove your case up front, out of the box and without hesitation.

I think most  nonPDs want to avoid conflict and harming the stbx more than necessary.... things like running up legal fees and wasting time in court but........
you better put forth your most convincing evidence UP FRONT or you're going to be disproving negatives throughout your divorce and that's not a position of strength, IME. 

Remember, the stbx will perceive your filing the divorce as an act of war. 
STBX will want you to drop your attorney and handle the divorce sans any councel..... you already know not to DO that, right?
STBX will want to have access to you, talk to you, SEE you and disrupt your ability to think, work and parent so she can break you down and get you to drop the divorce.  When lovebombing fails, she'll move to making threats and offering to "make things easier if you just (insert what you want most in the world.) 

All this is crazy making and can ONLY be avoided if you get out and switch to using your attorney as a go between for legal stuff and use Our Family Wizard or text only to discuss children.  Your stbx will promise to give you a peaceful divorce.... she'll promise to make things easy on the kids, maybe promise to give you custody IF YOU...... (insert something detrimental to your case.)

Don't fall for any of it.

Get outside the PD's reach. 

Get therapy and read the book The Parallel Process to help figure out how to handle GC and SG when the PD turns up the heat and starts escalates pressure and demands on the children to join in her mission to get you back in line. The kids NEEEED their mother to calm down and they're likely going to blame you bc the PD will TELL THEM this is all your fault.  She's been setting that narrative up for years, as you know.

I hope a domestic violence agency and advocates can help you get ahead of this and be as proactive as you can be with regard to protecting the children.

I wouldn't be shy about stating the most awful truth (I could prove) and asking the court for everything I could, bc that's what good parents to when their children are really under threat!

Don't pull any punches, EM...... give the court your most powerful evidence up front no matter how guilty you feel, no matter how badly you want to avoid upsetting the PD or creating problems for her..... even if your attorney says something like..... "I don't want to include the domestic violence bc it will just slow the process down" which is what my attorney said to ME.   The way the legal system works did not do me any favors, and constantly coralled me back INTO the marriage and always ALWAYS weakened my position and strengthened the PD's....... and I can't say exactly why that's so.... I can only share the experience with you.   

Every little detail, every choice you make WILL mean something, IME.  Sometimes you won't understand something appearing detrimental actually works in your favor, so don't assume anything is TERRIBLE for you.

Expect good and bad days.  KNOW this roller coaster is how the process goes. It's better to practice breathing and calming your nervous system than it is to fearfully lean into the future or fret over things you can't change.

It's a topsy tervy process and all you can do is make the best possible choices you can make in the moment, then release the outcome and know you'll handle it, whatever it is. 

Acceptance is important.  You will never change your PD or the fact you married and had children with her or the fact she's going to make divorcing her one of the hardest things you've ever done in your life. Accept it and put that story on the shelf.  It's OK.  Forgive yourself...... put it on the shelf for a while.
Being super duper kind to yourself is important. That goes hand in hand with forgiving yourself and accepting you did the best you could do. You'll always do your best.  When you know better, you do better.  It's OK.
Dropping judgment is important bc it helps you stay curious about your choices and what the PD does next without fearing and dreading. It's coming...... buckle in and breathe..... keep breathing...... do what you can in the moment and go back to working or doing lovely things with your children. 

Choose healthier coping strategies, EM. 

DO what you CAN, then put the divorce story on the shelf for a while...... pay attention to the weather, your children, your beer and friends..... food.  This strategy helps engage your parasympathetic Nervous System which shuts OFF fight or flight survival brain so you have more choice and ability to think clearly again.

Most of us use the worry worry worry coping strategy as our default setting. It breaks us down and keeps us locked in fight or flight survival mode which means our frontal lobes are shut down so we don't have access to logic, reason or creative problem solving.  It hijacks our biochemistry and drives us into reactivity, which is repeating what we've always done.  It's how we got to the point of divorce, kwim?

Taking control of your biochemistry provides a moment or two before you react, giving you a second to SEE and consider more choices..... choices that will carry you to the exit door more quickly and with economy of motion.

Someday you will have the benefit of hindsight. 

In the meantime, I hope you're able to avoid many of the mistakes members of the board made.

[escapingman]

I am absolutely worn down mentally, I almost feel like giving up to end all this. BUT, I know that will only be a temporary rest as it will all start up again and I would be set back in the process maybe not able to try again. I let my hair down yesterday with some friends, I found it difficult to talk about whats going on as I hardly believe the stories myself. One of my friends had problems with his partner, sounded like she had issues as well but if she has he didn't understand.

I really struggle to get out if bed every morning, even now at the hotel. I wake up, wonder if this all is a bad dream, then I could stay there all day but have to drag me out. I just need to remind myself it won't get better unless I get away and stay away.

Thanks for all your support. I might not reply to all suggestions and advice, but I certainly read it and take it all in. Especially thanks to you hhaw for taking time writing so comprehensive advice.

[guitarman]

Other people really don't understand unless they have experienced all this trauma for themselves. That's why this forum is so supportive. We share similar but different experiences. We are experts by experience rather than mental health professionals who are experts by training.

I've just posted on the "Other Media Resources" section of the forum about @imdoctornahla (Dr Nahla, MD) on Instagram who posts concise messages about trauma, abuse and healing. I have found them very helpful.

I find it difficult to concentrate and have memory issues so this is ideal for me.

You are stronger than you think.

Your body and mind are reacting to years of abuse and trauma.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

Slowly things will change for you. Be gentle with yourself.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

What makes this really har right now is that she keep messaging me like nothing has happened, telling me how much she loves me, asking me what I am doing and what my plans are. Then begging me to reply and talk to her. I have done a couple of short messages using MC but she keeps asking for more and it really is making me feel guilty. But why should I feel guilty? I never agreed to keep in touch during my stay away, I never told her I am reconsidering the divorce, I never said anything other than asking her to stop telling me all this. I am not silent treating her, I am just trying to maintain low contact and MC for my own sanity. The more she keep doing this the less likely I will manage to go home again.

[square]

I don't know if it will help but maybe you can tell her you will have your phone on silent till later so you can concentrate or whatever. Then put her contact on silent. Then do your MC reply after work hours. It may go down easier to scroll through all her bs at once.

You could start training her to not expect you to be at her beck and call.

You could ease into it and start with a smaller period of time, like a couple of hours, to "finish this task."

You're divorcing. Taking care of her emotional demands is no longer your responsibility in any way. If she's sad or lonely she can call her mom or something.

[hhaw]

EM:

I assume the children have phones and are capable of contacting you if they need you.  You want to be available for anything involving the children and not appear to be ignoring them or anything important involving them which the stbx will claim if you shut down all texting with her completely. I think other posters use Our Family Wizard to communicate about the children. I hope you can set something like that up soon.

I'd send a compassionate text to the stbx like a breadcrumb in your trail of evidence.

You took this time to heal yourself and expand your window of resilience for what comes next in the divorce process.  You should prioritize that, IMO. 

You can take control of your Nervous System away from the stbx....you can send a text then ignore her if she continues to stomp on your boundary AND show the Judge what you've been dealing with through her refusal to honor your stated boundary.

If it makes sense to you.... what would that text look like? 

"Dear, stbx:
I'm respectfully asking you to stop ignoring my stated boundary to text only about the children at this time.   The girls have phones, so if you text I'll assume there's an emergency requiring my immediate attention involving the children. 

It would be very sad if we can't be civil during the divorce process, esp as it concerns the children.   It's my hope we can speak respectfully about the adult things when the children aren't aroud and when we agree to have that discussion.  It would be unfortunate if all discussions had to be routed through our attorneys. That is something I'd like to avoid, sbtx.

I'll let you know if my plans to return X change.  Right now that's on the schedule.
Escaping Man"

There might be a better way to say all that, but you want to document your experience and SHOW the court very clearly what you're up against and why you're asking for what you're asking for.

It's possible a text like this will trigger the PD into a rant, which might work in your favor.  It's possible she'll continue ignoring you and texting like mad.....which shows the Judge she's not respectful of your boundaries and can't STOP a behavior which sets up and validates your entire case, IME.

Remember, you're the calm and consistent parent.  The stbx will likely show everyone who she is IF you're mindful and consistent with recording and documenting without reacting to her. 

I hope you get some time to decompress, EM. If you don't..... you need to learn how to do what you can then put the divorce story on the shelf for a while so you can cultivate joy in the moment.  That's something you can learn to do.  It will help you  and you'll be modeling it for your children.

Good luck

[escapingman]

Thanks for your replies,  this is a difficult one for me. I don't feel like I want to say anything to her. Why do I need to keep telling her we are breaking up? I am tired. I am worn out. Right now I feel very lovely too, it has been great meeting my friends, but in certain ways rather has made me even more depressed.  Maybe just because I am craving adult relations so much and stbx has not given me that. I know that if I spell it out, again, that would cause more drama. I am not strong enough for drama at the moment. I can single handedly decide to end the marriage,  but she seems to think that she can decide single handedly to keep it going.

I am tired of telling a 2 year old she can't have her candy anymore. I am depressed.

[Poison Ivy]

You could tell your spouse, "I will respond if there is an emergency."

Something to keep in mind during this very difficult time: When you're going through hell, keep going.

[square]

It's about taking your control back. Don't wait for her to act like an adult. Inform her that you'll have your phone on silent till X o'clock then block her till X o'clock. Don't wait for her reply or her okay or agreement. Just inform her then block.

I'm sure she'll freak out but you don't have to be around for it.

Here is your armour of righteousness. Put it on. Make a decision for you.

If you unblock later and there's a bunch of messages, you don't even have to read or listen to them! You can ignore them altogether! You can just say it's 8pm, got my stuff done. If she starts unloading on you, you can say, gee, this doesn't really seem useful, going to go now. And block her sorry butt again.

You don't even have to say you're going on silent till X o'clock. You can be done RIGHT NOW. You've served her papers. You're gone. You can block her forever.

Hi'm sure she'dup the ante and commandder the gurls' phones in that case so I think it might be better, for now, to just say you'll be around at X o'clock each night, and the second she goes off, which may be immediately, you say you'll be back tomorrow at X o'clock. TOO BAD.

You're in control here. Not her.

[square]

I'm not sure I'd offer to respond in an emergency. That just informs her to make an emergency.

She's a full grown adult. She can handle any emergency. There is nothing you can do from out of town that she can't handle herself.

I think you should just be waaaaaaaay less available, and you should bail as soon as you're not happy, even if that is 0.00005 seconds in.

[Poison Ivy]

Good points about the "emergency notification," Square.

[hhaw]

You don't have to keep telling stbx the marriage is ending.  Just bc she texts you doesn't mean you have to read or respond.

You feel stress and pressure, but you still have the choice to respond with your boundary then stop reading and responding.....go back to relaxing and enjoying the fellowship and joy in front of you.

[escapingman]

I actually think I leave it, if I tell her to stop she up it. If I manage to ignore it and just reply in a MC way on anything that is polite to reply to, but never directly after receiving a message. I gave put her on snooze so her messages don't pop up. I have the kids on as well, but as she is helping herself to their phones I have limited contact with them.

I think this is on me to just grind out, ignore and MC and don't let my emotions get to me.  I have filed, I don't think I need to keep telling her I have filed. It's her problem, not mine if she pretend I haven't. I will never heal if I don't move on. She will smear me to the kids whatever I do, I have to accept that.

[hhaw]

STBX will push and grind and stomp your every boundary till you lose your mind and explode.

THEN she'll stand back, act shocked and play the victim while you spin and appear just as disordered as stbx. 

You're learning to deal with that stress now.  Hopefully you'll find new coping strategies and respond in the best possible way to further your mission.  Your mission is to mind your own business, take care of yourself and teach your kids self care strategies as you learn them.

The mission isn't calming your stbx down anymore.  She's going to have to do that or not do that without your help from now on. 

Sitting in the discomfort of letting the stbx spin, without trying to calm her....will take some getting used to.  It's going to create tension, but that's to be expected.  Remind yourself to be mindful, to notice your feelings, to tend to them and reassure yourself it's ok to let the stbx deal with her own discomfort.

Acceptance you can't stop the stbx from texting and boundary stomping might help.  You can document it and put it on the shelf....turn toward joy and giving your Nervous System a break.  It's a new option you're entitled to choose for yourself.

Accepting you can get through the discomfort she creates, without trying to stop it or her, will help you stop reacting, ime.

Are you able to tell your friends about your situation? 

Keep breathing. 

[escapingman]

I told my friends without any PD details, feel no reason to go into details as they would not get it. I also starting to get past it so I don't really need to talk about it.  I know what she is and what she is doing, talking about it only invites people who doesn't understand to give bad advice with good intention. I need to find out for myself, with the support from you guys, how to play this. My emotions go up and down, but the more I can distance myself the better I feel. I been out for a meal with one of my best friends, we could sit and be quiet with each other and just get each other, so peaceful and so different to when I am with stbx. Any silence is in anticipation of what comes next. I am always accused of being silent, for any made up reason. We walked past a fee restaurant's, he suggested one that I didn't like the look of, I said no to it and he was fine with it. We then walked past a few more and agreed on one. That could never happen with stbx, she would have covertly suggested one, then rejected it, then rejected all of the others, blamed me for not suggesting anything and then end up buying a sandwich from the supermarket.  Such a joy to be with someone normal.

I am getting more and more to realise I might never go back home. That will be hard, but I am not sure I can face it. I might book another hotel close to home and start hunting for somewhere to rent. Still alot to take in, but I am fighting. I won't give up this time.

[hhaw]

You're going to separate from stbx sooner or later, no doubt about it.

If you have nothing to lose by moving straight into a hotel, that choice seems  likely to support your emotional wellbeing, ime.

You'll be more responsive to your children if you're in a better head space, EM.

I'm glad you have a friend you can talk to.  Having 3d support will be helpful, ime.

Hang in there and keep breathing.

[JustKeepTrying]

escapingman,

I know it's hard.  Hardest thing you may ever do.  I am glad that are getting some moments of peace so you can deal with your ex and all the demands of the divorce.

One thing to keep in mind is if you move out that you talk to the lawyer and ensure that by moving you aren't sacrificing your rights to the children or that it won't look bad in terms of custody.  That's why I suggested an airbnb on another post of yours.  It indicates a willingness to provide a home and not just a hotel for a few weeks.  At least until you get sorted into a more permanent place.  All those little steps you take like asking SC and GC if they want to go with - all of it - documented - will prove to a judge that you are not abandoning (an accusation that she may use) but separating while maintaining a safe and welcoming place for the kids.  Each step towards a final destination needs to be taken with the kids needs in mind.  I know you care and love them and are very concerned for them - but you need to document and show you do.  Like arranging for therapy now for them - all shows you have a level of care that will help with custody.

As for your mental health, all of the suggestions here are excellent.  You are in an incredibly difficult position that most people don't understand.  We get it and you are right - all those lovebombs are frustrating, angering, and sad.  It's like what you wanted all along - but you know that this isn't change it's manipulation.

[escapingman]

Thanks again for your support.

Her lovebomb will not work this time, I understand what she is doing. She has slipped up a couple of times as well telling me the things I accused her for are lies. She has never said sorry for abusing me, only for neglecting me and not showing enough love. I wonder if it us abuse amnesia or if she just pretend it never happened. I have all my journals, it's also all on my head and I only need to think back at a few events and my mind is settled again.

I think she is worried as well, sometimes she talks what she thinks.  She mentioned in horor about my reasons I stated in the divorce petition that she could go to prison. But not even that made her apologise, only denied it and said it was lies. No hope there. I am feeling a bit stronger today, maybe I can manage to go home and see how things go. If I can keep away from her and just spend time with the kids, it might work. Who knows, she might leave when the realisation kicks in.