The lovebomb

[hhaw]

Don't allow the stbx to whip you into a frenzy of worry for the children.... don't allow her to send you into a flurry of activity to relieve the discomfort and fear the stbx escalates bc she KNOWS you'll run around like a chicken with your head cut off to relieve that tension.... and the way you used to relieve tension is to appease the PD so she'll calm down and give the household a minute's peace.

Stbx is counting on your discomfort to drive you into DOING DOING DOING something to shift the discomfort.... but believe me.... learning to sit with that discomfort and allow it to pass...... is better.  It will always be better and you'll learn to do it till it becomes habit then your normal default and you'll model it for your children.

When you feel driven to ACT out of fear or anger...... just sit with it.  Do nothing.  Pay attention to the emotions that come up. Journal them. Get curious about them and don't judge them.  Be very gentle and kind with yourself. Like you're tending to one of your children... take care of yourself and teach your children how to administer self care to themselves.

These are puzzle pieces of identifying and changing self destructive habits that got us so deeply mired in PD dysfunction, IME.

I think most everyone on the board shares at least some of these habits.

If you write out your mission, write out acceptable actions to take when you're overwhelmed and CHOOSE from those actions.... learn to sit and do nothing when you're coming out of your skin with anxiety.... things will improve.  You'll learn how strong and capable you truly are. 

There are messages and lessons in sitting still with our discomfort... in tending to the feelings that arise....t he things underneath the pain are messengers and there's relief if we can stay with it long enough.  Speak the things out loud and understand them.

Even before I found my amazing T I found relief in being still and identifying what was behind my panic and anxiety.  It was like magin, EM.

Trust yourself and keep posting.

[Starboard Song]

escapingman,

My heart goes out to you. I think you are doing the brave, hard, necessary thing. I believe you are doing it full of kindness and love. I am deeply concerned for you, as you are truly doing very hard work here. I need to say this:

• You deserve one or two trusted friends IRL with whom you can share all the details. It is NOT disloyal to trust a close friend with such things.
• No, they won't really understand all of the PD dynamics. But they can still be invaluable.
• You deserve a trusted counselor IRL.
• It can be a trained therapist, a religious advisor, or even just that trusted friend.
• This will end, but not soon. You will need help and hugs and hands along the way.

I am proud of you. Actually proud of you. Please find the one or two friends to trust, and to really lean on. You can pay it forward another day. We are here for you as well, but I promise it will help to share that beer with any friend: even one who doesn't get it all.

[escapingman]

I spent the night in a hotel near home. I dud not want to get out of bed this morning, I almost had a panic attack about what to do. I feel like I am between 2 bad choices here, whatever I do will be wrong. I am desperate to see my girls, I think she is trying to turn them against me. They will be on half term off school atarting today and if I don't go home I won't be able to see them for a week, and I would be accused for abandoning them when they are off school.

I will go home, see how bad things go. Try to wait until she has instructed her solicitor on what she will do. She can't wait forever as it will default to her agreeing to the petition if she doesn't do anything. If things go as I expect I will have to move out to an own home, hopefully that can be sorted quickly when needed.

Yesterday I messaged both my girls but neither replied 

[escapingman]

Just got contacted by my solicitor. As expected she denies all accusations and threatens with dragging it through the courts. This actually got me feeling a bit better as it proves I am doing the right thing. I am prepared for full on war. My solicitor think it will be detrimental for STBX if I get to show my evidence in court.

Let's see how she behaves when I am back home, I will keep recording and call the police if she is very abusive.

[SonofThunder]

EM,

Glad your spirits were lifted on that news.  Also glad to read your forward moving plans and that abuse will generate a police report, which is further evidence in a coming truth war.  I will be keeping you in thought and prayer as you move steadily forward. 

SoT

[escapingman]

Maybe it would have been much harder had I not been on my way Out of the FOG. Got home and she immediately start the being nice charade, followed by declaring her love for me and cries a bit and say she wants me rethink and stop the divorce again. At the same time she denies everything I said, tells me I made the abuse up and refuse to apologise. Really can't believe she is trying to play nice at the same time as she threatens me. It wouldn't have made sense a year ago, but now it does.

She is already through her solicitor asking me to drop some claims. I am not giving her an inch. She will only move the goal post after any concession from me.

Soon going to see the girls, can't wait!

[SonofThunder]

EM, big wishes coming your way for an enjoyable visit with the girls!  Way to stay firmly on course!

SoT

[hhaw]

EM:

We have covid in the house so I might be out of pocket for a while.

I just want to say it's likely your stbx is as simple as you suspected. 

Lets remember she's telling her attorney you're a liar and making up ALL the negative things you've said about her.

I found all attorneys consistently assume all litigants are lying, so make sure you get your attorney on board from the start.... souns like you have.  KEEP your attorney on board by pressing for protections for your children as a priority and avoid doing anything to draw negative attention to yourself.  Remember, if you send mixed signals....
if you're wishy washy......
if you minimize the PD's actions.....
if you send ANY signal you're likely change your mind or can't be counted on to advocate for yourself..... attorneys bail emotionally unless they were never on your side, then they never get on your team, IME.


You're clearly aware every moment you spend talking to the PD or IN the PD's space or allowing her to be in your space, including head space, invites risk and opportunity for chaos and confusion manufacture by the stbx, yet there you are, in the home with her, taking your chances with very little or nothing to gain as far as I can see, but there you are. 

No judgements, just stating the obvious as I see them.   I'm going to be direct, bc of Covid dx, but know my heart is with your cause.  Truly, I want you to feel better, expand your window of resilience and build your strength, even as your legs our cut from beneath you again and again...... have your low moment (while doing NOTHING but breathe) then turn towards what YOU CAN DO, which is what's on your list.  I hope you have a list of acceptable options.  Old patterns will want to pop up and repeat, but resist.... do nothing..... when you feel better THEN select responses.  Reactivity will get you in trouble every time, IME. 

Since your stbx continues to gaslight as her primary tool for manipulating you, I assume it usually works a charm.  No doubt her attorney is busily telling your attorney he believes you're lying about the accusations you made, bc his client is swearing you are lying AND making counter accusations against you.  Whatever her story is will become clear soon enough and I suspect her story will make more sense than your story,bc a mother sabotaging her husband, children, self and marriage doesn't compute to people who haven't lived throuh it, IME.

That said........ your attorney will tell opposing counsel she believes YOU'RE telling the truth and then opposing counsel is likely going to file a counter suit against you alleging whatever the PD claims you've done, likely based loosely on the times she's driven you out of your mind and you've yelled or done anything scary in the house, particularly in front of the children.  The PDs have a knack for basing HUGE lies on tiny truths having nothing to do with what the lie, but it gets in our heads sometimes, so be ready for the couter suit. It's fairly standard. She'll ask for full custody and depending on her accusations and evidence, restricted visitation for you, perhaps. The key is to NOT be freaked out by the legal stuff and KNOW you'll have good days and bad days.  Learn to DO NOTHING on the bad days....just sit with the feelings and pay attention to the fear, the panic, the anger and the terror as it comes up. Greet it.... whatever it is, it belongs an has a message for you.

Be ready for what looks, sounds and feels like aggressive legal counter attack...... I can't see it going different, but maybe your stbx will back down based on the serious charges you're alleging and ability to PROVE them, right?

For the record, I've never ever ever ever ever seen a PD give in and give up without a struggle.  If you look at it like this... the PD believes losing control over you, beign divorced and exposed for her disordered behaviors IS a true sort of death for her, so..... she's unlikely to just throw up her hands and let that happen.  If you offer a settlement YOU KNOW she'd be happy with..... be ready for her to agree to it IF you drop everything, the charges the divorce in order to get the custody and money out of the way, then BAM..... she'll likely refuse to sign it after you cancel the suit and drop all your court dates. You get the picture here, right?

Desperate PDs are tricksy, like, cheat, steal and leverage their own children's safety to "win" and sometimes sabotage their lives to the point of scorched earth, w2hich makes zero sense,but they're DISORERED.  Their actions will NEVER make any sense, bc they're broken and can't be fixed.  Acceptance is your frined.

When board members use the word "relentless" it's bc the PDs fight like their lives depend on winning.....and that's a really desperate thing to face.... for stbx AND for you and the children. The PDs ARE fighting for their lives, unfortunately.

The only way to limit the struggle is to separate yourself, IME.  Even then, it's likely the PD will come to you and attempt to bully, sweet talk, apologize, take full responsibility, threaten, squeeze your children in front of you....... everything and anything can happen and your ability to document is a priority, IME.  Having cameras set up, the next cam maybe.... and neighbors who can stand as witnesses, no matter how terrible and bad it feels to ask for their help and explain what's going on..... your changes of ending this struggle sooner depend on doing so, IME.

The stbx being simple, as you've stated, doens't mean she won't surprise you, bc she will. She's just less likely to manufacture really convincing evidence and be smart about asking the girls to lie about you.  Children often tell the same story the adult coaching them uses AND they all have the same story, which isn't how true stories come out.  Everyone has a different version when it's the truth....my point is.... don't freak out if the kids are coached into lying for the stbx.  Be ready for it and Know THE pd IS UNLIKELY smart enough to carry it off so she gets away wiwth it.  If she gets caught, then the Court has more evidence against her.  You'll do better to roll with the punches and resist catastrophizing.

I write that, yet KNOW there's going to be a terrible rush of fear you can't sidestep most of the time. Just remember.... it will pass and the chemicals in your body will make you sharp AND force you to do what you can to feel better and prepare to defend yourself and kids. 

RESISTING the initial chemical dump is important, IME.  Calming yourself is important BEFORE you act.  Acting will always be about documenting, finding evidence, orgnizing evidence and knowing where it is EVEN if your attorney doesn't think it'
s important today..... one day she'll be SO VERY happy you have it when she needs it and she'll shoot you a grateful look when she does need it.  You just be kind and helpful, resist rubbing her nose in her being wrong and keep proving your case.  Your attorney can only do as a good as job as you and your evidence help her put forth.  She's a tool you wield.  Be aware of that and cultivate a positive relationship with her always.... perhaps that will LOOK like fawning behavior.  If it does, so be it. Keep  your attorney on your side, feeling competent around you and supported always.  Do not get frustated if she drops the ball after  you TOLD her something would happen and she said it wouldn't, but there it is..... happening to YOU. Again. Just know that kind of thing will backfire on the PD, make your attorney really ANGRY at the PD and fight like hell for you and your kids. See how seemingly bad things can turn around and be the thing that saves you in the end?

That kind of thing might happen more than once and you don't know how bad things will bite the PD..... so don't JUDGE things bad or good. Get and remain as curioius as you can.... make really good notes.  Put the story on the shelf and DO something else for a while.  I find the really emotionally disjointed PDs tell MANY MANY lies, one after the other....... so many stupid lies, it becomes evident they'e lying, so always stay cool.... BE the consistent, calm, stable parent your children NEED.  Always. And assume your PD is recording you at this point.  Don't cuss if you cuss. Even in traffic, bc you can't cuss in court.... drop the habit now.  Substitute something cute..... find something.   

At one point my ASPD stbx was lining up drug addicts to claim I was a drug dealer early in my divorce..... I know this bc he phoned me and said he thought I found his notes on that plan.... and I was to just treat it as a joke.... he wasn't really going to do it.  Ummmm.... ya, he was going to pay drug addicts to DO that to the mother of his children while drumming up hatred for me by claiming I was working him to death for money and forcing him to buy a bunch of  properties (all in HIS name, btw)  not very clever of me, but you would not believe the number of really stupid people out there who're reactive  and can be easily tricked into HATING someone when the right application of a lie is applied.  Your wife might not be very smart, but she knows what make people angry and feel sorry for her...... think...... her accusing you of everything you're accusing her of FOR STARTERS, cause it's a no brainer AND cancels out your claims right off the bat.  She'll add other things, tell different stories to other people, based on the things she feels those people will get really mad about......

AND ALL YOU HAVE TO NIP THAT IN THE BUTT IS THE TRUTH APPLIED WITH GREAT VIGOR FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD, IME.

And avoiding getting sucked into doing things that make you appear unhinged too, of course. That means you separate yourself when you can and I've said it enough times you'll get it or  you won't.  If you don't, that;s OK.  Most posters here didn't get it quickly either.  It's really tough stuff to internalize and keep in focus......it is.  I'm so sorry you're going through this with children. 

Here's another helpful (very difficult to accept) truth I had to make peace with:
NO decision I could make over a period of years would be a GOOD decision.  I couldn't protect my children fully and all decisions were "bad", "terrible" or "emotional suicide", and those options aren't good,but "bad" is much better than "emotional suicide," take my word for it.  Always choose "bad" without hesitation if and when you remember the truth about choices...... it doesn't feel GOOD to choose "bad" but it limits the damage to your children and to yourself..... it optimizes the window you have to model better things for your children.  Part of that is standing your ground, expeting healthy boundaries to drive your stbx insane, then documenting the melt down around and ON your children....nothing TO feel good about and your main way to escape the discomfort has vanished...... every time you placate your stbx you extend the trauma and trouble, so please take that tool OUT OF YOUR TOOLBOX and resist it, always.  You're going to grow and heal through facing your discomfort and emotional pain.

In fact, it's likely the closer you feel to a break down, the silver lining is.... the closer you get to a breakthrough of self discovery and personal growth. The fruits and flowers of facing this kind of pain IS GROWTH.  Growth is painful but leads to much much much better things.  Feeling insane and broken and defeated means you're getting closer to the exit door IF you don't get suckered into backing down or giving ANYTHING UP without a signed, stamped and filed FINAL ORDER.  Do not cancel ONE hearing, trial date or deposition EVER....... just move as quickly as you can INTO a trial court.

I'm releasing expectation, EM and hoping you re read everyone's posts as often as you need to get yourself to the exit door with economy of motion.

I have some personal travel coming up AND I won't be able to continue posting if you remain im the house, bc I've said everything I could possibly say at least once, and that's all I can do from my end while prioritizing self care.

I'll remind you again, bc repetition helped me......

be very kind to yourself, without fail......
stop judging everytihng.  I promise there's pay offs behind it..... it's not easy,but you can do it and discover WHY it's so powerful.
Get very curious about what's going on around you within you and within the legal system. 
Don't assume bad things the PD alleges are going to mean you're losing...... chances are many of the things the pd does to make you look bad will backfire on her and expose who she is to the courts, so......
know there will be good days, bad days and in between days in the legal system.  Know you're better off being curious about it rather than assuming all is lost and catstrophising over it.
Accepance is your friend. Radical acceptance will help you free yourself from the tyranny of biochemical hijakcs and survival mode..... it will give you more choice.

Always speak about your stbx with compassion.  BREATHE and remember to give very short answers to questions then be quiet.

Speak without expectation so listeners have room to form their own opinions and ADVOCATE for you and the children.  OFten, when we TELL the listerner what they MUSt do or make demands of them..... we get punished for it.  It's just a mistake I want you to avoid, if possible and things will begin heating up very soon, esp if your children;s emotional and physical safety is being leveraged hard by the stbx.  Just tell your story, keep to the facts you can prove and SHOW YOUR EVIDENCE as you go.

Like I said, it's helpful to have a notebook with your best evidence at hand, easy to find..... I was just talking to my sister about the notebook we put together.  How it helped my attorney understand so she'd advocate for me with some vigor and STOP punishing me for speaking without showing my work. You have to show your work and prove your case to your own attorney, IME. 

Otherwise the attorneys will think you and your stbx are both lying,bc they assume ALL litigants are liars.... and the attorneys will make money while you and your family suffer longer, harder and at greater expense, bc that's how divorces typically go.  It's over when the money is gone and often domestic violence cases are treated like everyone e;se's divorce.... how does the court KNOW who's telling the truth, EM?

You have to be pristine with your words and actions all the time, bc everything can and will be twisted by the PD. 

The PD will bait you and drive you insane if she's allowed.  She knows HOW to do that.  She's been practicing for 15 years.

You can't out crazy the pd's crazy so just stick to being the good enough parent, documenting and pushing for EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE consequence you can hold the PD accountale for.  SHe's going to get Away with so much...... I promise she is.  Your attempt to hold her fully accountable at this point will only hold her accountable for some things and likely not nearly so many as you think.

Remember how failing to file charges 3 months ago backfired? Well, once your stbx and her attorney begin manufacturing confusion..... things are going to get worse....much worse....but hold......
hold......
hold.....
and keep documenting, reassuring your children, prioritizing your own mental health.... you didn't say what the update IS with regard to your THERAPY starting.  You're estimated wait time is up..... do you have an appointment yet?  Follow that up and remember to be so very kind to yourself.

If you stay and things begin going sideways.....I've written out as much about that scenario as I can write in past posts to you. Feel free to re read them all and I wish you the best possible outcome, again. 

Good luck,EM

[escapingman]

Thank you so much again hhaw, I understand everything you write and I am aware. But I am not, I am not going to change my mind. Today has been chaos, but as always when she is involved. What has happened and what SG has told makes me know I need to protect them. I am looking at STBX and I truly feel sorry for her, that she has to feel so sorry for herself, but I am truly past being her caretaker. I just don't have it in me anymore. I am glad I went home, despite what I said before, but I needed to in the end and I have been able to be here for the kids.

I hope you and your family are OK with Covid and not to poorly.

Thanks everyone for your support, it really helps. I am reading everything, over and over, I might not reply as much as I should but I am taking it all in.