Is it me?

[SonofThunder]

You did well not to agree to something straight away.

One day hopefully you can be honest about your feelings and calmly state what you want to do.

When questioned you don't have to JADE that is justify, argue, defend or explain yourself.

"No" is a complete sentence.

  imo conditioning by my consistent responses and decisions has taught my uPDw now, to not even ask, because she already knows my response in advance.  The first bold 'NO' is the hardest; it has become steadily easier every time thereafter.

SoT

[square]

I've been successful in conditioning some responses from my H, but many others he will not "accept" and thus will wage the full war each time, or some times.

Sounds like EM's stbx is likely to go to full war over every. single. thing.

[SonofThunder]

I've been successful in conditioning some responses from my H, but many others he will not "accept" and thus will wage the full war each time, or some times.

Sounds like EM's stbx is likely to go to full war over every. single. thing.

Ive said this before in a different one of EM's threads, but i believe divorcing a PD is a 'truth war' and if I go through one, im going to remain focused on truth only and the laws of the land in which i reside. 

The PD people I have known going through a divorce, have tried to lead a 'lies, hurt, take and smear war', once they realized there was no putting the divorce in reverse.  But, the TRUTH prevailed (in both cases i am familiar with) in the court, as the court simply followed the law and the knowns of truth presented in the relationship history, dismissed the untruths and judged accordingly. 

Therefore i am compiling truth along the journey and from what I read on EM's threads, he has a good deal of abuse truth/evidence (both himself and the kids) in which to stay focused on the end goal.

SoT

[JustKeepTrying]

While I agree with both you and square - IMO the war was over the specifics - who gets this and who gets that - I stuck to what I inherited and then moved to what I needed for a new place and so on.  That still left him with a substantial amount of furniture etc.  What was difficult and war was definitely waged with physical attacks - was the money.  My x had hidden a GREAT deal of money and when i found it (I think all of it) he was angry and all meetings were in a public place.  That didn't stop him from throwing a punch at me.  The bank manager intervened.  It was the money in the end.  (In my area it is split 50/50 for all assets that occurred within the marriage - no questions asked). So figure what she wants fundamentally and prepare for that.  Is it social standing? public face? money/power?  Figure it out and plan for it.

What hasn't been talked about in this thread is the subtle manipulation of the kids that I am still dealing with - my x is a champion at the poor poor me/matyr manipulation.  He has my children completely trauma bonded to him over the divorce.  So I caution EM to provide his kids with support, talk candidly/simply to them about their mother's health, and get them out as soon as he can.  Never underestimate this effect on children in the long and short term.  This blind sided me  - i was completely unprepared for it.  Don't underestimate the effect it has on you - Its been more than two years of taking the high road - and it sucks.

[escapingman]

JKT, the manipulation of the kids is the worst. What was the final straw for me and when I decided I had had enough was when STBX started to turn the kids (one of them specifically) against me. One of the girls is so manipulated at the moment and I can't do anything about it until I am out of this. All she does is to please her "sick" mother and her needs, she has given up her favourite hobby just because her mum doesn't like it, and when I try to suggest she can take it up again I am screamed at and told she hates that hobby and I am trying to control her. Yes, she use the word control, everything she accuses me of is exactly what STBX is doing to her, so not sure she is aware but decides to blame me for it instead. One of the worst manipulations STBX has done is that she has told her that she is now to old for being cuddled by me so now I amnot even allowed to give her a hug as shouted at she is to old for it. But. the very few times I get DD where she feels safely away from STBX she opens up and becomes a lovely little girl.

As user wrote in his unsent letter, I don't love STBX anymore. How could I when she has been so nasty to me and my children? For every little manipulation she does I feel so much hate towards her. I need to keep all that inside me as I would look the crazy one if I let it out.

Thank you all for your support, it really helps!

[square]

Sorry, I was unclear, I wasn't talking about the war of divorce. I was talking about how EM's stbx is planning a family holiday, and how certain responses can condition some PDs to stop a nehavior (like ludicrisly arranging a holiday with your stbx).

Some PD seem to have the self control to adapt theirbehavior a bit, for example avoiding asking for something when they know how the non will respond.

But other PDs will not adapt, ever, and will only throw themselves against the wall even harder. EM stbx seems entirely unable to adapt.

[mindcirkus]

We all ask the question, "is it me"?
My therapist gave me an answer that allowed me to NEVER ask that question again.
He said, "by the fact that you are asking the question, it cannot be you. A narc or bpd would never ever even begin to ask it." They don't perceive anything wrong with them so why would they ask. Be more afraid if you never ask the question, "is it me?"