The truth war begins

[escapingman]

So it begins, tomorrow the application to the court goes in. I have no idea what to expect, but I am scared. My solicitor has requested an emergency hearing which she thinks will be done latest Monday next week. Must say so far I absolutely love my solicitor, I send her my voice recordings so she could hear what was going on, she didn't just listen but she actually picked up bits I had missed myself that is significant, I will leave the details out but it is about STBX being physically abusive to GC. I sent my journal to the solicitor last week, I was wondering if I was making things up in my head and was embarrassed if she would think I was making things up. She found 50 incidents severe enough to put on the application, 50..... Today I spoke my Therapist, and also told her real truth, she was on the verge of reporting to social but we decided to wait for the court to come back and then for me to report it myself if required.

I am not sure what I am feeling most, fright or relief. If I get a positive order from the court STBX will risk being arrested if she abuse any of us one single time. If she does that, then the way lays open for having her removed.

[Andeza]

First, so very proud that you have let your solicitor and your T know about everything that's been going on. It cannot have been easy, and I know you've been agonizing over this for some time now. But, now the things that need to happen will, and honestly all the abuse, all the harm she has caused, is just more tools for your solicitor to leverage.

I have no delusions that this is going to be an easy process for you going forward, but the truth has been spoken and I think in the coming weeks, you may feel a lessening of a burden you didn't even know you were carrying around.

[SonofThunder]

 

So very difficult EM.  Proud of you my friend.  You are (whether they ever fully understand what you are going through for them) your kids warrior-hero dad.  That lion of truth is finally free of the cage holding it in captivity; it will defend itself. 

A hat-tip of respect to you,

SoT

[JustKeepTrying]

EM - so very very brave of you.  Regardless of the outcome, you took the right steps to protect your children in the face of great adversity.  That is wickedly cool of you.

[guitarman]

 

[guitarman]

You are not alone.

We are all here to help and support you.

We care about you and your family.

You matter.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

Thank you so much for your well wishing.

This morning when dropping SG off at school she asked if I can pick her up and then go straight to the park and play, then buy some food and eat in the car so she doesn't have to go home to the abuse. That made my decision to go to the court feel so much better. On the other hand, GC told me this morning she don't want to be near me because she doesn't feel safe with me. I wonder who has planted that idea in her head, if she feels safer with the one screaming at her and hitting her I would be very surprised.

Anyway, STBX had her chances to avoid this happening but she didn't take them. I am not sure if she is blatantly ignorant to her behaviour or just don't remember. I don't care what it is, she is not stable and it doesn't matter if she "behaves" for a few days as the next rage is around the corner.

[guitarman]

Abusers know exactly what they are doing. Your wife is in control of her behaviour, what she says and how she says it.

Please don't minimise or make excuses for any abusive behaviour.

I'm sorry to learn about how your wife's behaviour has impacted yourself and your children's mental health. One person can affect so many people.

My uBPD/NPD sister's behaviour affects all of our family: her ex-husband and his family, their adult children and their partners, our frail, elderly parents, our siblings, their partners and their children. Also our extended family and of course myself. Her behaviour also impacts all the people she comes into contact with.

One person can cause all this upset and it can last for years.

These statistics are not reflected in mental health figures. They are not recorded as all the people affected are hidden.

Maybe GC meant that she doesn't feel safe in controlling her own emotions around you and is fearing what she might do to you to harm you again. Maybe she is projecting all her anguish and anxiety about her mother onto you. She is afraid to criticise her mother so takes out all her frustration and anger about her on you instead because it is safer for her to do so. She sounds very confused and in desperate need of professional support.

Trauma can confuse us and play with our thinking. We can become irrational and behave how we normally wouldn't in a calm state. I know.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

Maybe she is projecting all her anguish and anxiety about her mother onto you. She is afraid to criticise her mother so takes out all her frustration and anger about her on you instead because it is safer for her to do so

I think you are 100% spot on with this comment. I am accused of everything her mum does to her. The other week STBX were shouting c*nt at her, GC then repeated and called STBX for a c*nt. GC then started to back track and said I never use that word, the only one using it is dad. It was very sad, but showed what's going on, I was accused of using a word STBX used only seconds before.

When I am looking at STBX now, I am just wondering "Who are you?". She certainly isn't who I thought/wanted her to be. I just see her as someone with a big black hole in the brain. So sad. I feel so sorry for the kids, at least I am not related in blood so I can cut her out forever. They will always have the blood.

[guitarman]

This is gaslighting when someone denies what they have said or done. It is purposely done so that you begin to doubt yourself. You may question your own reality and sanity. It's a very powerful tool used to unsettle and disturb you. That is why it is important not to minimise abuse and to journal as soon as possible what has happened. You can then look back on what has really happened. Our minds can forget traumatic events to protect us.

I often wondered how my uBPD/NPD sister's children would behave as adults. They are full of caring, loving kindness and nothing like their mother. I often wonder if I could behave like my sister but neither myself, my other siblings, their children or our parents did.

So is it nature or nurture that makes someone become an abuser? 

I learnt a new term yesterday "reactive abuse". We can act out and become abusive towards our abuser because of trauma and when we are being abused. We can get provoked into anger. That is then used as evidence by the abuser for them to claim to be the victim.

Maybe your GC has been reactively abusing you. It's good to know that there is a proper term for this behaviour. It makes sense now.

I keep learning all the time about trauma, abuse and personality disorders. There is so much to understand!

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

Guitarman, I am sure GC abuse me and SG as a reaction to being abused to STBX and to keep herself out of the firing line. I believe she has all chances to go back to be the loving girl I know her as if STBX is out of daily contact. It's a long battle, but I will keep strong, I hope. I have found this amazing person on youtube that has really helped lately. It is more for when you are on your way out of the abuse and knows so immense use to me right now. That he keep repeating how much he loves the people watching and hoe upbeat he is really helps. If you haven't seen any of it, watch Narcdaily https://www.youtube.com/c/NARCDAILYYouAreNotAlone and he is currently doing a What is series where different things within Narcissism and recovery are explained in a really good way.

STBX is ramping up, went to get a coffee and she tried to bait me in to JADE about the divorce. I completely MC:ed her and she got angrier and angrier and shouted at me how I could be so mean to her. All I could do was shake my head and remember the 50 incidents on the court application that went in to the court earlier today. I am done with her drama, I am going to live life, with my girls, in happiness and peace. That I will fight for.   

[Lauren17]

 
I, too, recently shared my journal with a court official. It's terrifying! You've done a very brave thing. You've done the right thing for you and your children.
For me, this task really triggered my flight/fight response. I found that I needed serval days of extra self soothing. For me that is mediation, time outside, and gentle exercise. Find your coping skills and use them daily. You need them right now and will in the weeks to come.
Best wishes to you and your kids.

[guitarman]

Thank you for the link to the Narcdaily YouTube channel. I've watched one video and subscribed. I've also subscribed to his Instagram account as well.

I follow several narcissistic abuse channels on YouTube. They help to keep me grounded and on track. I also follow several narcissistic abuse Instagram accounts as well. However it can become all too overwhelming if I watch too many. So I limit myself to how much I look at them.

I usually follow Kris Godinez and Dr Ramani on YouTube regularly.

The more we educate ourselves about Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome the better we are able to cope and learn to do things differently.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[guitarman]

You did so well to stay calm and not get provoked into anger, which is what your wife wanted you to do.

You did not get on her emotional rollercoaster with her but instead watched her go round on it by herself.

You observed and didn't absorb.

It's difficult not to snap back but it becomes easier the more often you remain calm. Your wife will do anything to push all your buttons. She craves your reaction. Any reaction.

Indifference is what narcissists hate the most. They hate to be ignored. Staying calm and not feeding their narcissistic supply really works.

You did so well! I know it's not easy. You are taking back the power and control.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[guitarman]

Lauren17 we need to practice a lot of self care. It's OK to laugh and be happy even if you are going through a traumatic crisis.

I practice Mindfulness meditations daily. I follow the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach online. She has such a soothing voice. She gives regular free talks online.

Tara Brach's website www.tarabrach.com

I also follow Jack Kornfield as well
https://jackkornfield.com/

I watch Loving Kindness Mindfulness meditations on YouTube frequently. They help to build my self esteem.

I learn to let go and let be. I learn to remain calm no matter what happens.

[escapingman]

Very interesting this, wonder if this can be my insurance policy.....

STBX just revealed she is going to go away leaving me with the girls, GC using this to think she can do whatever she likes (leaving the house going to town or whatever). GC starts kicking off as she expects STBX to get in behind her to allow her to disobey me. What GC failed to realise, in STBX mind all she cares about is going away. GC then ups the game by telling STBX she is scared of me being home and she will call the police if I touch her (wonder who has fed her those ideas from the start). STBX gets cross with GC, as all she cares about is her going away and GC now is trying to disturbing her plans. STBX then tells GC, whilst I have my recording going on "There is no need for you to be scared, dad has never hit any of us so why would he do it now". WOW. On record. Saved. BAM. 

[hhaw]

em:

Its really important to ALWays speak about the stbx with compassion, IME. 

She's not well...
she's the mother of your shared daughters.....
she needs help and it's clear you won't be able to provide it, bc she's lashing out and harming you and the children emotionally and physically...... God help GC overcome the heinous fockery she's enduring now and will be until the Court helps you and a good T mitigate and change it into wisdom and new self care rituals for GC.  It's one reason you can never speak about stbx wthout compassion.....you're trying to help GC SEE her mother without getting defensive.  If GC senses you're attacking or harming her mother, the narrative stbx is pushing, GC won't be able to hear a word you're saying, IME.

It has to be OK to love both parents and to not have to choose.  She needs permission to not HAVE to choose and a good T will help her see that.... I pray GC sees that it's unfair for either parent to force a choice on any child and I hope both girls feel your unconditional love and mark it..... internalize it....... see it for what it is and grow through this rather than identify with stbx.  I'm rambling bc it worries me, but the point is to always speak the truth about stbx with compassion..... always refer to stbx respectfully, but state facts and provide evidence for EVERYTHING you allege.

Please don't bring up anything you can't prove and it helps simplify matters, IME.  It takes all the confusion OUT of the processing for listeners bc sometimes when we ramble on about PD acts we can't prove.... we sound unhinged too, IME.

So....... line up your evidence, as I've stated before.  KNOW where everything is...... file it in a way you can put your hands on what you need at any moment.  I made copies of the very important evidence spanning more than one topic and made sure to keep the clean copies clean and in the file, always.

This hearing will be your shining moment to gain clarity and make an advocate out of the  Court, IME.

It's likely the Judge will give you permission to get the children into Therapy.  Hopefully you've already found a good crisis management T for children and have that lined up with a second and third choice in case you need them.

And remember......
when you speak about this........
if you speak about this.......
speak with compassion......
keep it very short......
give only the hamburger, not the bun and never the codiments.

Stay focused on the children, the children the childrenthechildren.  Always, circle back to their safety and mitigating harm.

And this......
tell your story without expectation.

Tell it without ordering your listeners to feel or do ANYTHING at all.  This opens up space for listeners to advocate FOR you, IME.

If you tell them what to feel and do they often lash out and punish the one ordering them around, IME.

So..... be yourself...... speak slowly..... like you're talking to a child..... simple...... direct and short......... your demeanor should be one of HELPING the listener understand...... being helpful and desiring to help.... to help. 

You can practice answering really difficult questions in the  car....... the ones you know trigger you...... write out answers and speak them out loud till they're calm inside your nervous system and no one can unhinge you, no matter what they say, bc you've internalized it and know the truth without doubt.

THESE things will help you in the next phase of this....... movement through the abyss.  There's light at the end of the tunnel and you're positioned to shorten or lengthen this journey to the exit door.

I pray you always choose your children and self........ the PD will have to save herself, bc you can't save her from herself, no matter how badly you wanted to.  You just can't.

She'll take you down with her and the children too, if she can.

You're all that's standing in the way and the Court values calm, consistent, logical parents with their children's best interests at the top of the list.......the court values a parent who isn't angry and punitive and lashing out at the other parent EVER.

Show this court you'll support the children's relationship with their mother AND do what you can to help stbx be in their lives in a way that's not harming the girls.

The Court can't give you everything you're asking for if you're unstable and likely to be unfair and punitive, so be calm, consistent and rational, always...... child focused and tell your story without expectation.

You're going to be just fine.  Maybe not this month or next, but eventually and you'll recognize joy when you find it.

I promise.

[hhaw]

One more thing, EM.....
no matter what opposing counsel asks or what they say....... don't get defensive. 

Instead think of everything as opportunity to educate your listeners.

Opposing counsel will say stupid insulting things, but you continue educating them...... you want opposing counsel to understand what yuor children are enduring and to advocate for them also.

You are a helpful educator...... consistent, calm and focused on healing and helping your children..... focused on mitigating the harm and doing what you can to help your stbx be the very best parent she can be.

[escapingman]

Thanks for your support everyone.

The witness statement presented with the application has been written by my solicitor based on my journal. She included 50 incidents, my gut feeling is that she knows how the court here works and what to include and what not to. I will find out tomorrow or Monday what is happening, I am not sure if there will be a date of a hearing or it will be a preliminary decision that a hearing can overturn. I am trying to find my feet about the process, but very much in my solicitors hands (I actually have 2 working on the case with me which is awesome). I feels very scary now the application is with the court and there no longer is a way back. 

[Jsinjin]

My word.  I'm so sorry that you've had to love like this for so long.  How horrible for you and your health (mental and physical).

I am glad you have a lawyer familiar with the things to include in the court proceedings.

Thoughts and prayers to you.