Today is my new beginning

[Boujee B]

Good morning,
I am Boujee B.


I am a survivor, enabler, supporter, and yes a sufferer myself.
Self identified as suffering from both Rescuer Syndrome & "Fix-It" Syndrome & in relationship with a Victim Mindset woman.

This all very new to me however I am early 50s guy with plenty of life experience. To my suprise and light 💡 moments recently, it is clear that I have lots left to learn!

About me,
I live in the SW USA and am a father, husband, brother, boyfriend,and business owner.
I have experienced epic highs and rock bottom in all sections of life, business, emotionally, mentally and financially over my years. I am stronger than most and weaker than most know.

A bit about my journey, struggles, and present state of being.
    I stumbled across Out of the FOG by accident, or maybe not by accident at all. Please allow me the latitude to jump around my time-line a moment to better  truly introduce myself fully.

    Presently I am on round 3 of relationship status with my most recent girlfriend whom is deeply in Victim Mindset . It has been an adventure and eye opening experience for sure and is what ultimately led me to here. She is a childhood trauma  survivor and late 40s. We have been together on and off the last 3 years and friends for around 10. Consistently together the last 11 months solid. This is where things began to spiral for me due to confusion and unawareness of PD issues of any kind.
Ok we will return to this later. Let's jump on my time-line and back story a bit now.

So yes I have(had) a girlfriend , however I am also presently married to my wife of 23 years or rather "married to the physical reminder of" my wife of 23 years.
My wife and I were the poster of the perfect couple for the first 12 years and the envy of your peer group. We were the real definition of each other's "Ride or Die" and then 11 years ago "my wife" died. She was killed by a wrong way drunk driver on the freeway taking one of our children to the airport for a spring break trip. In the blink of an eye that faithful morning at 3:28am my phone rang and I received "That call" the call every spouse and parent fears ever come. On the other end was a HWY patrol vehicular homicide detective that asked if I was Boujee B, father & spouse of active crash scene Victims. I said yes that was me. His next words & instructions were that I needed to head to location that was 2 hrs away from me and I was to meet him at a hospital. These were the only details given.
    I jumped in my truck and headed south while making a call to a local PD officer I know in our home town. I called them to get any information on what had happened and if there was any details on my wife and daughter. I knew it was beyond serious because the lack of details any would give me and the resistance in giving them at all. I was simply told by my contact " B, I need you to focus and drive safe heading down there. The situation is not good & but you need to focus on driving right now and making down there safely."
At that point I had pretty much assumed that what was in front of me was to face a grave situation of one or both my daughter & wife.
    I arrived at the hospital of my daughter with the detective waiting for me in the parking lot of trauma center.
As I parked and approached the detective he stopped me and that's when my world collapsed around me as he informed me of the details & prepared me for what I was about to encounter and the reality of what has now become my life.
The detective filled me in on the crash & my daughters condition before taking me in to see her. Still no one has said a word about my wife, when I finally asked where she was and her condition, I was simply told, focus on your little girl sir. We do not know where your wife is at this time nor her condition! The reason why they was is because last they new is that she had been loaded into a life flight chopper unresponsive and on life support with zero chance of survival so they went with my daughter.
   After being taken to my then pre-teen little girls bedside and seeing she was alive and alert, the Dr's explained to me her injuries and the road ahead. My kid was in pieces with life threatening injuries to all her limbs with possible amputation of her one leg. Off to emergency surgery she want and they told me that she would be in surgery the better part of the day and they would keep me informed so there was no reason for me to stay there and I was free to move in to the next issue of locating my wife. We found her at another trauma center across town and then headed that way.

Upon arrival at wife's location, myself and a couple detectives where taken to the CCU unit where my wife was at.
This is the point My world and everything in it was forever gone and changed for the rest of my life.
I entered the CCU and instantly saw across the unit a person laying there that was my wife. Covered in blood, hooked up to 100% life support systems, lifeless & almost unrecognizable. I walked up to her side and said her name several times expecting who I knew 12 short hours before to be my super woman, my strength, my smile, my bad ass bitch that didn't take shit and would defend me to the death against all and anything that come even close to my or our children direction, open her eyes and tell me all is good and she's got this, "no worries baby, everything will be ok"
Well that didn't happen, not then and never to happen again!
My wife was GONE FOREVER and o KY her physical shell laying there. I instantly was spiraling, confused and lost, this was not possible nor even an option!
   I was then ushered off to a room in the CCU unit where as I entered it there was already a clearly member, a long faced female, 2 detectives, & the attending Dr. I was asked to join and have a seat. They proceeded to explain her condition & outlook, then asked me to "INPLUG" my wife!!! Bahahahahaha ya nope nope thays not happening, NOT A F@%KING OPTION people. Go out there and fix my lady damn it. Sorry Mr B but her head trauma and several brain injuries are beyond repair and she is fully unresponsive and only alive because of the life support equipment she is hooked up to. There is NOTHING we can do for her. WTF is happening right now. This is not real or actually happening.
My response was a HARD NO and that I had to go back to my daughter and I was not doing anything other than that. Wife is parked and not going anywhere at the moment so ya I will be in touch, bye bye.
And I was out of there headed back to what would become home for the next several months for my daughter and I as our journey began down the road of her recovery and my sorting out my new NORMAL and that's when I just went into auto pilot mode and somehow was able to successfully juggle life, other children, business, bills, and all of the daily life tasks once shared between wife and I. To this day I have no idea how I did it but am told I became a machine that not only survived the early days of it all but actually had thrived and rose above it almost super human, ya no idea? Keep in mind I was doing this all remotely from my daughters hospital room where her and I both lived for months about 200 miles from our home, support system, security, school and my career, somehow I pulled it all off. Fight or flight survivor mode right?

I am the youngest of many siblings with a 10 year gap to my next closest sibling and I am the only boy on top of that with only sisters as siblings. My father was killed in a motorcycle accident before I was 2 years old and mother off working all the time to provide for us. That said, pretty much from birth I have been forced a life of independence, survival, strength, & a never quit or give up Mindset and personality. For the most part I had a really good child hood growing up in the 80, co
Ing of age in early 90s and the poster child of Generation X. So no complaints or issues of youth except my father was dead. Given the gap in years between me and my sisters, I pretty much grew up my teen years the only one still at home as they had all left off to college or life by my age of 12. I was designed to survive and to overcome any and all obstacles independently, it is all I'd ever know anyway so I guess it just kicked in full drive after the crash, nothing really new to me just a different playing field.

So a couple months pass and my daughter is on the mend and we are hopeful to get out of the hospital and back home soon. As my daughter and I sit in our hospital room
 One afternoon watching Harry Potter for the 100th or so time over our stay, my cell rings and by this time my wife's CCU unit it number was programed into my phone. I would sneak over to wife's hospital every morning around 5am after they dosed my kid with heavy pain drugs and I knew she would not be aware of my absence and sit with my lifeless wife and chat about life, state of affairs, let her know I had it all under control etc. Then slip back to my kids bedside just as she awake from her meds with her none the wiser, my daily routine. So back to that call.
On the call was the charge nurse from wife's UNIT. They proceed to tell me "Mr B, your wife has been taken off life support." So ok, I had expected the day to come and prepared myself for it. I replied, thank you for calling, at least she is finally at peace. I was promptly corrected and informed, "No Mr. B your wife suddenly awoke and is breathing on her own and alert. She is actually eating some jello right now." Wait what? Your telling me that my lady is awake and out of the coma? Yes sir. I am on my way and I'll be there shortly..... Mr. B wait, I need to explain some things to you first!!! Yes she is out of the coma, yes she is holding her own with no assistance buuuuut????? There is something you need to know and understand  as well as prepare for before you come. Your wife has no clue she is your wife, she has no clue who you are, your children or anything prior to coming out of the coma. She has zero memories or actual functional skills so to say. She also will not sound like the person you know as she has a deep souther accent and talking like scarlet O'Hara from Gone With The Wind,
Her only emotion is aggressive and sarcasm. This is normal of severe TBI patients that unexpectedly come out of comas.
I ask how long will it last until it all wares off???? That is the moment reality smacked me and I was informed the short answer of NEVER. My wife had died that day back in the crash and would never return. She had zero brain function and with the CT scan done upon her awakening that there was only one small part of her brain functioning and it was in a region of the brain seldom if ever used in humans. It is a rare accuance but had been seen in severe head trauma, brain dead patients a time or two before with no recovery beyond that noted or of record.

So then my new life had begun as a caregiver to a woman I did not know nor knew me and with a damaged child I had to get back walking some day and a kindergarten son to raise and provide for all. That machine I had become had now become my normal and who I was and am to this day, well sort of! We will revisit that down the road.

So this is my stories beginning. On my journey from then to today I have become a changed man in every way as well as just recently a target of Victim Mindset relationships and others opertunity as an easy mark to take advantage of. My fault 100% and unknowingly also my personal disorder/syndrome discovery and vulnerabilities. That have grown unchecked or even identified until the last 48 hours of my life as well as extremely detrimental and personally destructive due to inability to recognize toxic relationships, friendships, and even business decisions. I had to completely hit rick bottom and both mentally and emotionally collapse for the opertunity to surface of identifying not only my own issues but the issues of others close to me and the effects it has caused.

That said, I am aware and accepting of my issues and with strong desire to learn about them and work to right my ship all around and also gain knowledge about the PD issues of those around me and relationships ive experienced.

Thank you for reading and I am excited and looking forward to continuing to share my story and experiences as well as learn of others. Let the healing and education begin and a new direction of my journey start its new path.

Boujee B

[Defiantdaughter1]

I'm so sorry. That is one of the worst things that can happen to a family. Let me make sure I understand: Is your wife in a care home facility now? You mentioned being her caregiver. Are you attempting to do that all by yourself?

[bloomie]

Boujee B - hi and welcome. Thank you for trusting us with the journey you have been on. I cannot even imagine the challenges you and your family have faced. My heart goes out to you!

It seems you are at the beginning of an awakening to disordered traits in others and in realizing your own responsibility to spot those and make healthy decisions for your complex circumstances going forward. Am I understanding that right?

Hitting rock bottom, as painful as that is, is where we can begin to build something new and stable in our lives. You have been through more than any one person can be expected to navigate without having blind spots and making decisions that are not the best for us. Though the depth of difficulty and trauma you and your family have faced is extreme, you will find all of us here have had to find our way to higher ground.

I am thankful you are here and look forward to supporting you on your healing journey! Again, welcome!

[Boujee B]

In response to defiant daughter's question,
Yes that is correct. I have been solely caring for her now 11 years as well as raised our 2 kids and ran our household etc. Never an issue nor regret on that area, not 1.

 That said, she is "functioning" she now just has issues with memory of course and it ranges from
Minutes to a few days generally and cognitive, rational thought so on. She drives, can do basic tasks like short runs to store, Dr etc. I will be revisiting this entire section in my next continuation of my story and how it all corelate with each step of my progression to my ultimate spiral and crash. As well as present situation and light ball moment.

Let me be clear on my wife portion of it all. So due to the fact of her physical appearance being there with void of what and who I knew to be my wife and the new version being both disabled as well as historically pre-crash PD struggles and sufferer. It is multi layered and complex but promises I will get there and in great detail because it is the root of most present. I will always have unquestioned love for this woman and will forever willingly and wantingly provide for her every basic need and be here for her. Yes that of course complicates portions if my life however that I dont care and the fact I just said thatnis yet another issue I will be addressing of my own. So please stay tuned because this journey of mine may be of some insights or even benefits to others. I want to make sure I am not running to fast out of excitement because of my newly found discoveries and cleared view of a path ahead and happiness

[Boujee B]

Bloomie,
Thank you, thank you so much. Yes I have had a ride thays for sure however it is what it is. I have never had a moment of "why me" or why us. At the time it began I simply took a step back, observed, assessment, adapted, adjusted and then powered forward and learned as I went, unfortunately when they did return her to me, they forgot the new instruction manual.

I feel I handled and managed everything extremely well including my career up until Dec 2019 I was traveling 340 days on avg a year building my business, so I staged and set up everything to run smooth as possible with not 1 but 3 or contingency back ups in place to be put in play at any given moment or need. All was pretty good up until covid lock down. That was when I began to see I was not so solid, shit together, ok with everything guy I had made myself believe I was and it was easy because I became a work addicted fool. I loved my career, love to pure myself into my work, go go go go oooooops I missed something didn't I????? Yep I sure did. "Out of site out of mind" numb the pain and realty with work and travel (addiction is addiction) working became my drug of choice to put my realty suppressed and at bay? I caught my damn self right then and there. Then is when things began to change for me as well as growing resentment towards the new version believing in my fog that the new version was suppressing MY WIFE the "real version" and wouldn't let her back out... ya no not good thinking and from the onset I was not ok with myself thinking like that nor the slightest desire to ever be salty in anyway towards that woman, never! She didn't cause it, deserve to be made to feel any negative emotions from me and my polluted delusional believing that my wife was possibly even remotely in there. So I began to withdrawal from her, my house, my daily life etc. I will go into great detail on this in a full post because this is where everything that I'm presently experiencing began and why. So I will be going into great details here soon. My entire self destruction from bad choices and directions stem from that very moment in time.
Yes I am very aware of my shit and the where, when, how, why and all that goes with it, I own it and always have. My accountability has always been my cross to bare and also my weakest vulnerability that damn it if they haven't benable to laser focus right in on and exploit. Oh yes we will be visiting this in detail. This is why I've come here, this is what I need to work on, I am whom I need to rescue and whom I need to fix it on. Oh ain't reality and ownership a mofo. I digress.

Yes this is where it all goes down to. My nonstop personal traits that get me in issues but with the very truest and pure intentions, and my targeting from socialio path or narcissistic woman and now the one that hit me hardest and most recent that broke me and I have found myself just super wow and that is the Victim Mindset manipulative GF that's now XGF and I caught it. That crap slipped up and showed its self and thank God I was paying attention because now I've identified it and it exists all consuming in her and I now feel the need more than ever to "rescue" and "fix it" but that is exactly the reason I got caught and hooked ad a target in the first dam  place however this woman has been through hell and back in childhood and my heart breaks for her and SHE USED THAT TO HER ADVANTAGE  and I ain't mad at her not even a little.
Ok enough for now. Please feel free to follow because I have some shit to bare and I will spare no reserve because I want to be better, I want to be stronger, I want to be me and be whole again and I will be, I just need a little bit of guidance, not help just guidance. I can do this myself as I always can and am fine with but this is all new to me and the fact all I want to so is save her from something she doesn't even have to have thats non stop wrecked her life every step of the way kills me. No worries I am doing me and getting me whole first and no matter what but there is a lot to it so I say good night for now and I shall return and continue to write tomorrow. I am excited, optimistic, and doing much better. Wow if I knew it was this simple to get back out into the light I would had figured it out a while back. I mean it was maybe half step sideways and boom there was the sun.❤️😁💯

Thanks again,
Boujee B