My fall from "grace"

[momnthefog]

My late 20s BPDd has started her "cycle" again.

Seems that every couple of years she finds a reason to cut off ties with me.  I could be ok if it were just her, but she has a child who is young elementary aged.  She and I are pen pals and she visits over holidays and during the summer.

My transgressions
-being an emotionally distant mother
-EVERYTHING I did while she was a child/teen
-not making her daughter the center of my universe
-not making her the center of my attention when she visits
-being at the birth of my second grandchild
-being nice to my son's girlfriends (this included a list of every gf both sons had since 9th grade)

She showed up Wed (never got her stuff out of the car) and went out with sisters (it's a large family so I try to respect time for everyone to visit with one another) to get nails done.  Went to "our" salon where she proceed to chew out the family that owns it over pricing....bc she lives in the city and the prices should be less here.   The last 2 times she visited she has selected a different small business owner (that we know) to berate causing a need for one of her brothers or sisters to apologize.

Eventually they came home to dinner I'd prepared.  We sat to eat and it was on and on and on......always the victim, no one but her knows how to drive, no one but her knows how to raise a child.  Then she started about how expensive day care is in the summer (last summer the other grandmother and I had grandchild the ENTIRE summer).  I suggested she save and start looking now for day care and camps.  Stone silence.  Dishes in the sink.  Leaves for her brother's house.

While at her brother's house (he has grandbaby #2) and lives 10 mins away, she learns that I babysit a couple of hours a week between the overlap time for parents.  She also saw two notes in my handwriting from a Dave Ramsey class we are doing together....and apparently it triggered her to the point that she left, got in her car and drove 4 hours home.  (Grandchild is with the other grandparent and was supposed to come to my house Fri).

On Thanksgiving afternoon she started with the messages, how I'd failed her and what I needed to do to repair our relationship.  That she loved me....but then a long  list of infractions, most that don't make sense.  A lot of anger and bitterness at my son's wife and the new grandchild (before the new grandbaby BPDd on several occasions had said that she was afraid her daughter wouldn't get any attention). 

I asked repeatedly for what she wanted from me.  I asked for a list or a description of the behavior that would help her "feel like part of the family."  She never gave me anything concrete just to tell me that I obviously didn't want to work on things.....I never said I did or didn't.....and I refuse to apologize again for childhood/teenhood parenting mistakes.  I've apologized on other occasions and decided (with my therapist) that enough was enough....that the demands for apologies were her way of controlling me. 

In the end, I asked if I could contact the other grandparent for a short visit over the Christmas break.  I got a response since I wasn't interested in working on my relationship with her, she would have to decide if it was in her daugh's best interest to continue to see me.

Last night I get a note from a friend....it's a screenshot of her FB page where she has called me out.

I've unfriended, blocked.

I'm glad that I'm here.  I'm glad that I'm in therapy.  It's hard to love her and have an emotional relationship with her...it's like trying to hold a porcupine.  For all my efforts to accept whatever she tossed my way, it wasn't enough.

I"m sad, very sad for my grand daughter.....I can't even imagine the hell she lives in.

momnthefog 

[bloomie]

momnthefog - I am so sorry this unfolded over the holiday week and the affect this will possibly have on your ability to see your dear grandchild. Trying to build a relationship with someone on the shifting sands of their cycling emotional state is exhausting and not productive for anyone.

Would it be productive to think through what it is you are able to offer her and let her know what does and does not work for... you in relationship?

[Adria]

Momnthefog,

I'm so sorry. The holidays seem to bring out the absolute worst in these situations. 

I wanted to mention something about the Adrenaline Dominance book to you since you said you were going to read it. It is full of a lot of information. But, I have found that for my family and for many people that I have told about this, the main help is the natural progesterone cream for these kinds of situations.  Don't worry about all the diet stuff and supplements, it can be overwhelming. For my dh's and son's bi-polar and anger issues, the natural progesterone cream is all they need. It seriously turns them into someone kind, caring and lovable. It makes them reasonable and nice to talk with. If not for that, dh and I would have divorced years ago. Everything I read of your family on your posts, I really and truly think it will change the whole dynamic.  Adria

[TiredOfAntics]

I'm so very sorry you're experiencing this abuse and your grandchild is being held hostage.   

Does your adopted daughter realize that she has Reactive Attachment Disorder from being in an orphanage?  My humble advice is that after validating her feelings, identify her behavior as coming from her RAD which developed from being in an orphanage.  Explain that you love her and hope your granddaughter will know she is deeply loved by you.   When she brings up thisandthat, just tell her that you love her and are sad that thisandthat triggered such strong emotions caused by RAD.

Call it what it is.  It's RAD.  Maybe she will begin googling RAD and recognize her abnormally strong emotions and desire to push you away.

Although RAD adults may never bond to anyone, they can learn to recognize their RAD triggers and recognize that they don't have to act on their strong, disordered emotions. 

[practical]

I'm truly sorry you were picked out as the scapegoat by her for whatever emotional turmoil she is experiencing, and that this effects not only your relationship to her but also to your granddaughter. It doesn't seem there is anything you can do right for her when she is in her own inner turmoil, so sadly there only seems to be hope that she will calm down.

[momnthefog]

Adria, Tired, and Practical,

Thank you for words of understanding.

Adria....while she sat across me at the table she talked about stress and how it makes her skin feel and my immediate thought was to what you had mentioned.  I had no idea that those 30 mins were the only time I was going to see her.  Her conversations are typically one sided (more like a lecture) of how no one understands her at work, when she's driving, at the store, her daughter's school.  It is impossible to get her to slow down enough to exchange information.  Once I read this book, I may send it to her. 

Tired....BPDd is unaware of her dx.  I know that sounds odd and (probably) irresponsible for me as a parent.  She was dx in her late teens (at an age earlier than is officially recognized).  During her divorce her ex accused her of being bipolar and that sent her into a tailspin.  She has a history of mental illness on her birthmother's side.  She is also unaware of that.  And many kids who were adopted during the 1990s from former Soviet Union were given dx b/c in order to be adopted there had to be a reason why they were unadoptable by Russian citizens.  A couple was scheduled to adopt her, but when they met her, refused b/c they were concerned.  I could never get any reason why....just that they were concerned.  For the first 6 months I thought she might be mental delayed.  But I came to believe that she was coming off some sort of drugs.  I believe this b/c on the plane ride back the adoption facilitator pulled out pills the orphanage director gave to calm her down.  She has been an emotionally raw person since the day she came into our family.  Emotional dysregulation captures her perfectly.

Truthfully, I'm afraid to confront her with all of this information b/c I'm concerned that on some level it will make matters worse and that she'll then hate me more intensely b/c I will be using that to tell her she's somehow not measuring up/imperfect/not worthy.  These feelings of not good enough seem to drive her jealousy, envy, anger, bitterness.  I'm curious as to what others think about how I might share this information with her. 

Practical....yes, I got to be the scapegoat.  I feel like the mom of a toddler/young child.  The child is well behaved at school/day care and comes home and breaks down.  And the child does that b/c it's safe.  She would never lash out at her brothers/sisters.  And sadly now the brothers and sisters are adults with their own homes/lives and they saw what happened....the abrupt leaving without saying good bye after plans were made, cleaning and work done to prepare for her, her bf and the niece.  They are disappointed and feeling like next time they don't want to make plans that include her.  And at this point, I'm working on my boundaries. 

On a positive note, I've been in touch with the other grandmother who saw her FB post.  She is agreeable to me coming to visit over the holidays to visit.  For now, I will be grateful for that contact with my grandchild.

momnthefog

[momnthefog]

Bloomie,

That is a very good idea.

I asked her several times what I could do and she never answered except to say....i want to feel welcome. I want to feel part of the family.

She moved put at 15 when I was pressured into it by church leadership. She has been on the periphery of the family since that time. Most of the memories made since then don't include her. She didn't grow up in the house where we live, this isn't get neighborhood or school.

I'm at a loss as how to make her feel welcome.

But I will think on this question bc I believe it goes hand in hand with boundaries.

Momnthefog

[practical]

Truthfully, I'm afraid to confront her with all of this information b/c I'm concerned that on some level it will make matters worse and that she'll then hate me more intensely b/c I will be using that to tell her she's somehow not measuring up/imperfect/not worthy.  These feelings of not good enough seem to drive her jealousy, envy, anger, bitterness.  I'm curious as to what others think about how I might share this information with her. 

I think I would tell her, so she has the chance to do something about it. I would chose the one relevant fact, which is her BPD diagnosis, to share with her. As BPD is the one PD for which there is proven treatment, this might actually lead to improvement of her life and thereby of everybody else's including your grandchild and your family. I know this is assuming she does go into therapy. It might help her to understand that her feelings of not being good enough are not a reflection of her actually not being good enough, but rather are associated with an illness that is treatable. Can you talk to your therapist and develop a plan on how to tell her? Maybe you can share some resources with her when you tell her like a good book, a reliable internet site, a source where she can get DBT therapy or learn about it?

I wouldn't mention her birth mother and her unclear mental problems, as I don't think there is necessarily a connection. For me this is a minor point, which I would leave out at this time so as not to overburden her.

Yes, she may go through a phase of hating you even more for whatever reason, thing is she could do this right now anyway depending on her mood, as there doesn't seems to be a need for a factual "cause". You didn't do anything to trigger never mind deserve her last outburst. Telling her gives her a chance to find her own healing, and hopefully she will take this chance. Even if it isn't right now, you might plant the seed for later.

[practical]

Just wanted to add a reminder, your D hating you isn't about you, it is about her inner turmoil, which gets misplaced onto you rather than her dealing with it on her own and for her own sake. When I'm in the middle of being exposed to PDissues, I tend to forget this, start to question myself, wonder whether some blame might not be justified etc.

And something else, when her ExH accused her of being bipolar, I would assume this wasn't done in a kind or loving way to help her, and this makes a huge difference. Being accused of a mental illness sounds unsettling even under the best of circumstances, as it is then used against you. I think with the right wording, a calm atmosphere it could go quite differently and be helpful to her. Could you take her to your T and explain it in the presence of your T to her so you have a mediator?

[momnthefog]

Practical,

I believe you are correct and that she needs to be told.  I think (and I'll keep thinking about this) that the best way to address this might be in a letter.  I believe that having my counselor there as a mediator would not help as she would perceive him as being "in my corner." 

For the holidays, the rest of us just want peace and quiet....and no drama.

Thanks for your suggestions.  I think they are very good.

momnthefog

[practical]

It makes sense that she would see your T as on your side rather than neutral. A letter sounds like a good idea. It gives you the chance to sort through your thoughts calmly and say what you want to say without having to deal with interruptions, outbursts etc. that might end up crashing everything. It also gives your D a chance to absorb it at her own pace and without feeling possibly challenged or under observation.

I totally get wanting quiet holidays, that falls under self-care. 

[TiredOfAntics]

It's really awesome that the other grandmother is bringing your granddaughter to see you.  She knows you're a nice mom who tried very hard with very difficult adopted kids. 

[TiredOfAntics]

What do you think about starting some fun yearly traditions with the other grandmother and your granddaughter?  Granddaugter  will want to do these fun things every year with her grandmothers, so your daughter will be less able to cut your contact with granddaughter.  You could go eat lunch and then go to see a holiday movie or the Nutcracker.  You could eat pizza together and then go drive through a housing area with lots of holiday lights or pay to go see a holiday lights show downtown or at the fairgrounds.  I used to live near a Victorian tea parlor where grandmothers took their granddaughters.  Some people dressed up.  Others didn't dress up, but all had fun.   Having a craft day at your house to make inexpensive jewelry, stuffed animals, and tie dye t-shirts would be a fun tradition.   An afternoon to  "make lots of Halloween cookies" would be a fun tradition.  You can take the excess to your fire station where they'll be quickly consumed.  State and county fairs are fun and they occur yearly.   There are petting zoos, rodeos, rides, cake judging contests.    The yearly anime convention was bizarre to me,  but my kids loved them.   

[TiredOfAntics]

I would be very hesitant putting anything in writing about a personality disorder or RAD to a RAD/BPD person.  They can post it online or on your friends' Facebook pages.  Most people don't have any understanding about attachment disorders.  Your daughter could easily use a letter from you as ammunition. 

[TiredOfAntics]

(I apologize for repeated posts.) 

I am trying to think of ways for your daughter to not be offended  that you and the other grandmother want to spend time with granddaughter and not her. (RADs and BPDs LOVE to find any reason to be offended.)

On your daughter's birthday, pay for an appointment for her to go to a spa for the entire afternoon, so you and the other granddaughter can do a "yearly tradition" without your daughter ruining it.   

[momnthefog]

TOA,

In the last txt I sent to BPDd I asked if I could arrange with the other grandparent time to visit over the holidays.

The answer was she would decide if it was in grandchild's best interest or not. 

(Only a month ago she was here for her birthday weekend and last summer spent 3 weeks with me....and suddenly I'm not in her best interest. )

I haven't heard from her.  None of her brothers or sisters have heard from her.

I don't expect any response from her.  The other grandmother is not worried or concerned about my visit b/c she provides free childcare for school breaks.  She kept her for 7 weeks last summer.  I work full time.  Three was all I could manage.  BPDd does not want to pay summer child care/camps....despite getting about 1K in child support monthly.  The other grandmother showed me the payment schedule. 

It will be a 2 hour trip each way.  I plan to take my college and hs daughters with me.  Grandchild loves them and they hate to miss time with her, but are mature enough to hold their sister (not me) responsible.  I hope to have an entire day with her and time to take her to the city for a move, ice skating or something memorable. 

As for offending my BPDd....it doesn't matter what I do she's offended. 

I decided several years ago that I would do everything I could to maintain a healthy relationship with my grandchild despite her mother.  The other grandmother and I made that pledge to one another several years ago....that if ever one was denied the child, the other would provide visitation. 

And for that I am grateful.  On the day our grandchild was baptized, BPDd was not speaking to her or her family.  I took my grandchild who was dressed in her gown and sleeping in my arms and walked over to her and placed her with the other grandmother....since that time, we have understood that we had to band together to do what was best for her.

And....the aunts and uncles know the truth.  I feel sorry for the weight that my grandchild will carry and I will not hold her mother against her.

After the holidays I plan to write the letter to her.  It will be short.  But I will no longer carry the burden of her dx alone.  She will be told.  What she does with that information will be up to her.

Thanks ToA....the ideas for activities with my grandchild are wonderful!

momnthefog

[momnthefog]

I've sent 2 text messages asking about seeing grandchild.  Both were ignored.

My teenaged daughter sent a text message about seeing her niece and giving her Christmas presents....BPDd responded that mom hadn't invited me for Christmas and niece will be with her dad and his family.

My teenaged daughter is floored.  My daughter in law is floored.  Everyone is wondering what to do with gifts.

I contacted grandmother and she is only willing (bc she fears fallout from BPDd) to allow that we run into one another in the store.  Yeah, that makes sense b/c I live 2 hours away from you.   

I know she is offering her best.

The remaining kids and decided that since BPDd is making this difficult, we will keep the gifts.  I'm opening a 529 account today with a monthly draft.  Someday when she's older and has her own thoughts, it will show her that we loved her and cared about her even when we weren't able to see her.  In the event of my death it is managed by my son.  In the event, the grandchild goes her mothers way, i'll transfer to another grandchild or pay the tax and take it out.

But I refuse to allow myself to dangle in the wind another minute of this holiday season.

momnthefog

[hhaw]

Momnthefog:

I'm not surprised other gm is worried about going against BPD D's wishes.  The only leverage she has us free sitting, and maybe BPD would cut off her in nose to spite her face, then grandchild has no contact with either family.  That won't di.

Writing letter to BPD is good, bc she can revisit it in calmer moments.  If she shares it, people will see your truth, and not bpd's version of what you said.

Even if BPD can't be reached or helped when you share and try.....at least you're trying.  You love her.  You do what you can to help.  Doing what bpd asks wouldn't help, and likely would ensure she doesn't learn or grow.

You're making the best choices where there are no good choices. 

Merry Christmas,

[bloomie]

What a wise way to continue to stay as engaged as you can with your granddaughter and not cross a boundary with the other grandma and put her in a tough spot and at risk. I am so sorry this is happening, yet thankful you have decided to accept what you cannot change and not allow this to overshadow the holiday season with the rest of your family.

[Adria]

I'm sorry you are having to cope with this, but it sounds like you handling it well. Kudos to you.