...oh joy...

[D.Dan]

I saw bro2 recently. He had an interesting story about upd bro1.

Before going to jail, bro1 had 2 bikes (yes he used them both) ( no, he didn't think this was weird, in fact he acted like it was normal or people should be jealous of him?) (yes, he homeless at this time too) he left one at my house and he left the other at bro2's place. This is what bro1 does when he steals things from people. Leaves it at random houses, then collects and sells it later. Bro1 brought the other bike to my house to store (he was getting evicted with his roommates). Both bikes were in exactly the same condition as when bro1 had left them (I had seen both bikes before he went to jail, he was showing off).

Right before the whole mysterious bike in my yard incident, bro1 got both bikes and sold 1 for money (he's still not on social assistance). Bro2 received a few text messages from bro1, essentially saying, " thanks for making my bikes get rusted up!" "Thanks for leaving my bikes outside!" Basically blaming bro2 for the condition of his bikes, which were not rusted up, but not in pristine condition because they never were.

I had thought bro1 was strangely quiet during this time, when he got out. Turns out, he was attacking bro2 instead.

Figures.... 

[Starboard Song]

I can totally see where this is going...

Promise yourself to also see where it absolutely. Is. Not. Going.

[D.Dan]

Next on 'As the world turns'....

Upd bro1 is living on the streets again. No social assistance. No pain meds. Not bugging me (yippie!) and that's what I care about! I know the relative he was recently freeloading off of had about 4 kids they took care of, some with severe disabilities. I didn't think it would last long. He's nowhere near as helpful as he pretends he is.

Our upd mom tried (again) to advise me on how to help him. I cut her off with, he's an adult and everything he needs done can only be done by him. Then I pointed at the list of homeless shelters for men I wrote out for when he wants my help  , that is how I'm gonna help him. I show bro1 the list when he complains about needing a place to stay. Seems to make him stop complaining.

[guitarman]

What a nightmare it's all been for you.

I've learnt a new phrase
"Be a lighthouse not a lifeboat".

It seems that is what you are doing. Well done.

Best wishes

guitarman

[D.Dan]

Things just never change....

Saw upd bro1 today while visiting with upd mom. He is living with an older male roommate (freeloading, he has no source of income) who is getting angry with bro1 for all the noise and people coming and going. Bro1 implied it was because of all the beautiful young women visiting bro1 (I think it's the constant visiting at all hours).

He then told our mom how he got hit by a minivan and now has a permanent dent on his head (never showed us just vaguely waved at his hat on his head), the guy supposedly didn't have a valid address on his driver's so my bro1 says he's suing the driver for $500 000. Riiiggghhtttt.....

So I think he's gonna be homeless for winter... Again...   

[Starboard Song]

Wow.

[goodgirl]

"Permanent dent on his head."  I... don't think bones dent from impact?

I think my reaction would have been "Ooooo lemmee see!"

[D.Dan]

About 7 years ago, he claimed the cops beat him up, put a dent on his head and he was planning to sue them too. There is no bump, dent, or anything.

So my thoughts were, "ugh... Not this again..."

[D.Dan]

Saw upd bro1 on Saturday....

Nothing's changed. He introduced a new girl (he had a different girlfriend a few weeks ago), I assume he's staying at her home.

He came to get the one piece of ID he previously had at my house (he took it last time), to get on social assistance. Supposedly he went to an orientation... finally. Still never got his birth certificate that he needs to complete the application. 

So...I highly doubt he's getting on social assistance. (Oh yeah, no dent on his head, LOL!  )

[FinallyPeace]

Wow! 

She came, got the bike and left without saying a word or making a scene! That was unexpected but I ain't looking a gift horse in the mouth. I'm happy she choose to act approprietly in front of my children.

I was thinking if she didn't get the bike to prop it up against the trash can on the curb during trash day.   

[D.Dan]

****Trigger warning for this post**** mentions of suicide






There was another thread mentioning a pwPD's suicide attempt. I didn't want to scare them but I mostly have this experience with my upd bro1. For him it's a joke.

He laughingly tells people how many times his heart has stopped, and he's technically died (about 30 times). Most of these are from sugar acidosis and some are from drug overdoses. He tells everyone but the nurses how he did them on purpose. He's in his 30s. He blames everyone else for all these times he's died.

Just to be clear, I don't know if it is up to 30 times but he has successfully died A LOT! Enough to drive everyone close to him, batty. He still does this!

Upd mom is dramatic about how everyone else (not upd bro1) has to step up to take care of him and make sure he lives! Me and my sister are pretty much just resigned to the fact that we're waiting for the phone call when the attempts to bring him back are unsuccessful.

We can't stop him from toying with his life like this, and we've been informed that all of this is seriously damaging his entire body. He apparently had the organs of a 70 yo about 10 years ago, now... We're just waiting. He seems to be going into longer and longer comas each time they resuscitate him.

This is one of the things that truly frightens me about him. He's not afraid of destroying anyone else's life, as long as he gets what he wants.

[guitarman]

**** Trigger warning ****




My uBPD/uNPD sister threatens suicide frequently. I've said goodbye to her many times in my head. She may carry out her threat to harm herself one day. She can be very impulsive when angry and raging and in a crisis. She's capable of anything when she's in that state. It's been going on for decades.

I've learnt that this behaviour is abuse. It is trying to emotionally manipulate others into behaving differently for fear of the consequences if they don't by making threats. Unfortunately you can't change your brother's self sabotaging, self destructive behaviour. Only he can do that.  Only he can change his own behaviour. If he doesn't it may lead to a most regrettable outcome. You've done your best. You can't do any more. That's the conclusion I've come to myself.

My sister blames her behaviour on others in the family saying that if we had treated her differently she wouldn't be the way she is now. So she turns everything around to become the victim when she is the abuser.

Sometimes we just have to walk away knowing that we can do no more. There are limits to love. It's hard. I know.

Best wishes

guitarman

[D.Dan]

Update....

Same old, same old. Supposedly, uPD bro1 FINALLY ordered a birth certificate on Friday last week, to get on social assistance. That's what he, sis and uPD mom say is all that's he needs to complete his application.

Thursday morning, me and bro2 took one of my kids for dental surgery (a success by the way  all is well now). So, of course the chaos has to start during a stressful time for my family, when I'm fully focused on making sure the stars are aligned for everything to work out juuuust riiiight....

Wednesday (the day before  ) my uPD mom was hinting at me paying for his certificate, I had interrupted her before she finished to say "I already gave him $65 for a birth certificate when he first got out". Her response had been, he didn't know that was what that money was for. Yes. Yes he did know. Because I told him so. I point blank told him it was for a rush delivery of a birth certificate. The rest was up to him. Apparently he spent all of it on other things. Oh well...  I tried...

She then tried to get me to fill out the certificate order form for him. Nope. He has 2 working hands, and 2 working eyeballs, he can do it himself. (I also got a hint of "and pay for it while your at it") She then tried to get me to help her and sis figure out how to get his birth certificate instead of letting me focus on my autistic child's (before the crack of dawn) dental surgery scheduled for the NEXT DAY!!!

I am so sick and tired of putting more effort into putting uPD bro1's life in order than HE is willing to put in. Do I believe he finally ordered his certificate? Yes, only because our uPD mom paid for it and our sister drove him there to get it done.

Next problem.... Will he bother getting on social assistance now that he probably has everything he needs for his application? I doubt it.  just yesterday, our sis rescued him from someone's bathroom floor again by spending her grocery money on insulin for him. It's also obviously meth withdrawal as well (seeing as he can't get the prescription drugs he needs for his nerve damage issues). It just never ends with him....

I'm also hearing nothing about a girlfriend. I guess the last one got wise to him and ran away.  Smart girl.

And to top it all off, I had a nightmare last night that uPD bro1 stole my van again. UPD mom wouldn't give me his new cell # and kept trying to convince me that I should let him drive it around for awhile, because "poor him", he has such a hard life. I woke up angry with plans to call the cops and report my vehicle stolen to get it back because I couldn't even ask him to bring it back! 

[D.Dan]

Update.

Like I mentioned in another thread, uPDbro1 is renting his own house (he needs 1-2 roommates to truthfully afford it. He tried convincing bro2 to move in with him, but like me, bro2 has housed him before and got the full on uPDbro1 experience.

I found this out during a visit a week ago.

uPDbro1 is still not on social assistance, he claimed he'd get it in a week (max amount of assistance, full on medical benefits, no normal waiting or approval needed) which kinda sounds fishy to me but whatever, not my problem.

He has been working, and in fact wanted ME to order him some new tattooing supplies to keep him going. He said he'd give me the cash because the site he orders from is COD. Except, he was waiting for ME to make my own account, he wasn't showing me any cash (so I'm assuming he was gonna do the whole "I'll get it to you later, just make the order now, I'm good for it!" spiel), and was telling me how they do 2 day delivery and only needs someone to absolutely be home to receive the order (as in me in my home). I told him I can't because of my lifestyle. Too busy...

[D.Dan]

Update...

So uPD mom has been staying at uPD bro1's house since Sunday. My sister gets a Facebook msg from uPD bro1, he and mom are trapped inside the house because there are people with guns waiting for them outside... call the police.

This may or may not be true... the possibility is quite literally 50/50.

So, sis is on the way out the door to get her kids to school, and get to work, so she asks me to call the cops for her (she also didn't want them contacting her at work).

First I checked Facebook to see if I got the msg too (just to confirm it). Nope, but I'm also not a Facebook friend with him.

Then I call his cell phone... uPD mom picks up, apparently bro1 wrote the msg wrong  (whatever that means) then disconnects abruptly. I call again (a few times) but the phone is now turned off... Okey dokey....

So I called the police figuring they could at least do a wellness check on them. Lucky for me they understood everything and are going to check it out.

But yeeeesh.....

[D.Dan]

Well that was fun....

Anyways, uPD bro1 invited wanted criminals into his home. They were making plans to kidnap and torture him. uPD mom was too crazy for them however, and bro1 used that as an excuse to escape..... So uPD bro1 has chosen to abandon his home and everything within it to these criminals instead of calling the police to get them out. He's the only one on the lease and everything's paid for.... He is crying that he's homeless.... again  ......

Best yet, uPD mom tried my sister and bro2's dad (I told her no before she could even ask) to stay with until they.... eventually..... find..... a..... place..... to...... live..... 

After everyone refused, uPD mom came up with the brilliant idea that I would use my credit card to rent a hotel for them.... until she eventually does her income tax (hasn't done it in 3 years) and can start paying for it on her own! 

Nope! I don't think so. 

[openskyblue]

The situations you describe with your FOO sound dizzying, illogical, hopeless. It also seems like you are still pretty enmeshed with them in terms of keeping close track of events in their lives. Do you think that's healthy for you?

[D.Dan]

Openbluesky, that's a very good question.

I used to be enmeshed with both uPD mom and uPD bro1 at deifferent times in my life. It was actually quite hazardous and dangerous for me and my children, so it's something I don't want occurring again, so I had to consider "if" and "how much" I am enmeshed with them, because if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and talks like a duck, good chances are it's a duck.

First, my posts DO sound highly enmeshed, because of the amount of info I end up having on their lives.

I got this info based off their alternate reality D.Dan. In fact, I had been shutting them down (they talk very quickly, and get a lot out before I stop it) so how did I get so much in so little time. The answer is because of the quietness and stillness of my personality. I don't react outwardly to anything anyone says around me while I'm doing other tasks, so they assume I never heard and won't remember. Both of these relatives usually surround themselves with drunks and drug addicts that remember only what they want to, not anything else, and both relatives will then tell you what you are going to do (because it works with drunks and drug addicts most of the time), I'm guessing they think I operate the same way. So they talk around me and at me, until I shut them down but think I remember nothing and try to give me commands they think will work. My non-reactive personality (when I'm trying to NOT get involved in their craziness) convinces them that I know nothing and remember nothing. Part of my protective invisibility while growing up as a scapegoat.

Truthfully, it was something about myself I was aware of but never actually thought about.

So that was a byproduct of reality clashing with their alternate reality. I've never done drugs, I got drunk once and hated it (puked my guts out, I hate getting sick) and I have a very good memory (side effect of mom's gas lighting, and it's efficiency increases the more upset I am). So they vomit their lives on me before I can stop them.

But that still didn't erase the possibility of enmeshment. Because I treat this info as very important. Or at least it looks that way. So I had to think some more.

The second part is... I don't actually care what happens to them anymore because it's all a repeating pattern/cycle of horribleness, but why do I seem to need this info that I accidentally obtained? I know both PD's like it when nobody knows any facts, and they can create a new victim story to get what they want. But I've learned to just not trust whatever they say, so why treat the info as important?

Today the answer came to me.... Caregiver Creep!

I was raised to be the fixer/hero/good child/scapegoat! My current life circumstances force me to think and behave in caregiver mode almost all the time! I have 3 high needs autistic children, and I am constantly considering ways to improve our lives all the time while trying to decrease problems and issues. I am in caregiver mode at all times!

My PD relatives take advantage of that. They start off very small, show up during a mealtimes starving (I starved sometimes as a kid, so I make sure MY kids never starve) and I always have extra food in my house, they ask for something small then leave. It s-l-o-w-l-y escalates from there until one day either/both show up with friends (henchmen) and assume I will take care of everyone under threat of.... something (violence, robbery, destruction of property, it's been known to happen with them) and I can't have that around my kids. This also plays on nice person me, whom everyone seems to like! I can't stop being a caregiver, but I do have to make sure I'm not taken advantage of by others.

So the truth is, they vomit info of themselves on me in an attempt to force me to fix it, I then use that info to avoid caregiver creep and step away without escalating the situations to dangerous levels.

However, their issues do annoy the c**p out of me and judging from your post I think it's safe to say, they annoy everyone else with their issues as well.

Thank you for caring enough about me to put this question out there! I almost started crying thinking about it, so thank you! 

[openskyblue]

I was equally moved by your post. Gosh, but do you have so much on your plate! There's a lot of autism in my family and even so I can't imagine how much energy and love it takes to care for 3 autistic kids. And it sounds like you are in caregiver and solution finder mode a lot.

The reason I asked the question about enmeshment is because I struggle with it myself. Like you, I've gotten Enmeshed (Big E) out of my life in terms of divorcing my sociopathic exhusband (diagnosed). He surrounded us with all level of nonsense — questionable people, illegal stuff, instability. And am I ever glad to be out of THAT life. But I struggle with enmeshed (little e), hearing about him, wondering if I'll run into him, etc. I've learned that it's better for me to not take in ANY  information about him—where he's been showing up, trouble he's in, etc. It will upset and rattle me, haunt me.

As much as you are obviously a strong person, I wonder if simply taking in the daily information, being aware of your FOO actions, needs, latest drama, etc drags you down. I don't see how it couldn't. It's so hard to be aware of that kind of nonsense and NOT have a feeling about it. And it seems like you could be using and spending your feelings on so much better things.

[D.Dan]

I think I understand, the whole "renting head space" thing, right?

I have been slowly and safely weaning my PD's off my caregiving. The goal for me was to get off their hitlist of possible resources. It's actually working, but it's very slow. I used to alternate with my sister for first and second place, now people in their immediate vicinity are first, my sister is second, other friends next, while poking me to see if I'll step in until after person 4, then they leave me alone. I'm moving further and further down the list and out of consideration.

The whole renting space in my head... it's only until i write it down. Then I move on, because my life is always on the go and always changing. I found that's the fastest way to get certain things out of my head.

My brain works in a funny way, it's like a filing cabinet where everything is organized into point form lists of facts in their designated filing folders.

My memories are like video and audio recordings where I can retrieve a crazy amount of details or repeat things word for word, sometimes. Similar to when I read a good book, I forget I'm actually seeing words and it all morphs into pictures like I'm watching a movie instead (I remember the pictures in my head instead of the book itself).

When I stare at certain objects long enough (radio, doorbell, toys, anything broken that I need working again), it does a weird sort of come apart in its separate pieces in my head, then come back together and suddenly I know where to fix things that aren't working, or get a good idea on an alternate method of repair.

I have no space for them, it's all thrown into a box labelled "Not my problem!" which is why you see me write that a lot.

I usually do mindless word games/video games that allow me to go blank to give my head a break every once in awhile.

I never thought about this part of myself as being strong, it's just how I operate. I once described it to someone as if my life were a forest (you know the phrase "can't see the forest for the trees") and each issue I had to deal with was a tree I had to get past. I can't let the trees stop me and I have to keep moving forward so I just deal with each tree as best I can in that given moment, then continue on. It seems strong to other people because they can see how far I've gone through the forest while I can't, because I still have to deal with every tree that pops up in front of me. I don't bother focusing on how big the forest is and how much farther I have to go, just on dealing with the current tree in front of me while considering possibilities for the big trees I can see in the distance (toileting, puberty, high school).

I guess, despite how it appears, I'm not in as bad a place as it seems.