Am I my sister's therapist? I'm struggling with boundaries

[libracorpus]

Apologies for the essay I've written – I really need to get this off my chest.

I used to lurk this forum as a teenager when my BPD sister first got diagnosed. She was quite chaotic from around the time she went to college until her mid-20s. I was much younger at the time so my parents dealt with her until she got tired of living chaotically, moved away from the city, and got herself together. She is extremely intelligent and insightful into her BPD thought patterns when she is in remission. Since Covid started, things have been going downhill. My parents are elderly now and I'm in my late 20s, so a lot of the responsibility of looking out for her falls to me.

BPDsis is on drugs and often asks our parents for more money as she has spent all of hers. Christmas was a shit-show where she frequently had meltdowns over us not reacting to her the way she wanted us to. She's been manipulative and abusive to almost all of her friends so they've left her alone and then took a serious overdose on the New Year when they wouldn't come to her rescue. She knows the drugs make her BPD worse and that she needs to take actions to help herself. If you mention any of this to her or ask her not to use the money our parents give her on drugs, she screams that we're treating her like a crackhead and that she knows what she's doing, she's just medicating herself so she can get through this rough patch, etc etc.

There are sources of support outside of the family – she has been referred to mental health support and drug misuse support. She says she's on the waiting list now, but I don't know how true that is given my own experiences supporting someone else with drug issues. They were assessed and accepted onto a program fairly quickly. I also know for a fact that she spoke to the mental health support place and only told them about her physical health. She didn't speak to them about how emotionally dysregulated she is.

Because of all of this, I'm in a position now where I am basically my sister's therapist. She doesn't call me or text me unless she's having a meltdown and wants someone to reassure her. She rants at me about her childhood trauma – I went through something similar to her as a child, and I blocked it all from my memory – my life is so different now so it doesn't seem important to ruminate on the past. BPDsis keeps bringing up the trauma she experienced, and it's brought back the memories I blocked out. Also, my childhood difficulties were partially related to her being chaotic. Now that I'm an adult who is more involved in her care, I'm finding it re-traumatising. It's like reliving the worst points of my teenage years but somehow things have got worse. I dread getting calls or messages in case it's her.

I am struggling to maintain boundaries with my BPDsis. If she asked me for money I don't know how I could say no even though my paycheck barely covers my household costs plus the fees for the college course I'm doing on the side. I do not want to be her therapist and I resent her for putting me in this position. I flip-flop between worrying for her safety, feeling nothing for her as she is actively making bad choices which make her feel bad about herself then projecting that self-hate onto her relationships, and feeling angry that she is making me worry for her when she's not helping herself. To her mind, we have a good relationship. To my mind, she is superficially supportive but when I explicitly tell her I'm going through tough times she doesn't even pay enough attention to what I'm saying and instead speaks about her difficulties. I am confused – am I worrying for nothing? Is she manipulating me into feeling worried for her as a way to comfort herself? Perhaps in her head she is combatting her self-hate by making someone worry about her, as it means that she is real and that she is worth something to someone.

It has only been 4 months of this, but honestly I spend a lot of time thinking about how I'm going to survive the rest of my life containing her emotions for her. I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life!

[nanotech]

Oh gosh, I feel as if it's unfair on you to be bearing the brunt of all of this. I'm sending  you my heartfelt thoughts.
At the same time, I feel out of my depth trying to suggest the best way forward. I think it's for a professional to advise. I do hope she is on the waiting list for help.

[GentleSoul]

Hello

your post certainly hit a raw spot in me.  My PD mum tried to use me in the way you describe.   

I am sorry you have this going on in your life.   This is not your responsibility at all.  She needs proper professional help. 

How I dealt with it was me setting boundaries but, not surprisingly, she trashed them constantly.  In the end I had to be really strong and go No Contact.  She was very nasty about it, again not surprisingly.    Smeared me as being the most uncaring, most unkind person in the world.

Thing is your sister, like my mum, is going to go along through life doing what they are going to do.  We cannot control that. 

What we can control is whether they pull us down with them.

I am really glad you are expressing your thoughts on it. Venting.

My sister has what I think is BPD, she does what you are describing to my brother.  She would do it to me too if I gave her the chance.   

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I can relate to a lot about what you posted about. I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I have gone no contact with her for over two years. I care but can't cope.

She frequently threatened suicide for decades. Like you I felt I was her therapist listening to all her problems for hours and hours, fearing what she might do to herself if I wasn't available.

I've learnt that I can't change anyone else's behaviour I can only change and control my own.

I don't do "idiot compassion" any more where I am the idiot. It's a Buddhist term.

Observe don't absorb.

Become a lighthouse not a lifeboat.

You do not have to set yourself on fire in order to help keep someone else warm.

My rule is to always stay calm no matter what happens. Staying calm is my super power.

I follow the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach. She gives regular free talks. I've found her very helpful.

Her website is
www.tarabrach.com

I also follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better. I have learnt such a lot from her.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

What has helped me is to define my sister as my abuser and that I am her target of abuse.

Abusers are all about power and control.

Give over the responsibility of her care to the mental health professionals. She is not your responsibility. I know it's not easy.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[GentleSoul]

Thank you for your reply to Libracorpus, GuitarMan.

You have helped me as well with your comment that what they are doing is "abuse".  It is.

Hard to accept initially, I think, as the person is so obviously ill.  But it is indeed abuse. 

Reflecting it onto my situations with uBPD mum and sister, medical help was readily available to them. 

They did not want to take it.  That is their choice. But that choice then causes others so much pain.

My choice was to protect myself from it.

[Solong]

This sounds so tough. I agree with posters above. Do your best to stay cool and let this fizzle out. I think gradually crating distance between you and your sister is your best bet. Slow down your response time to her. There will likely be push back but it will be reaffirmation that the boundary is needed.

[goodgirl]

Hey, libracorpus, just wanted to chime in with what the others said and especially encourage you to re-read Guitarman over and over. My uNPD brother is an alcoholic and possibly has other mental health issues, and is incredibly manipulative and malignant. In the last months, I've made myself sick with depression and anxiety, first over the rapid decline of his health, mental and physical, and then over trying to protect my mother and my SIL from his machinations.

And after months of work and struggle, culminating with his arrest on my property drunk and armed, and now complete lack of remorse or apology for the many terrible things he's done this last half year, and watching his ensnare SIL and Mom back into their enabling roles, I finally finally snapped and realized I had to STOP. It's not my job to save him or them.  I was literally sacrificing my own well-being to everyone else's, having daily anxiety attacks, barely able to function at work. 

But why?  Yes, my brother is SICK, in many ways. But why did I think my own health and well-being somehow needed to be sacrificed on behalf of his?  Part of the answer is I was raised that way, to be the responsible daughter, and my whole life his bullying and cruelty was always excused by my mother with "that's just how siblings are" and "boys just don't know how to do things" and "your brother really loves you" contrary to all evidence. 

I don't know if that's the case with your family, but I am a 56-yo middle-aged lady who is only just figuring this out.  Don't you take that long.