How Do You Cope With Being the Bad Guy?

twistedknots · July 24, 2019, 01:11:27 PM

I've been with DH for about 15 years. We've always struggled with DH's family a bit, but things really amped up the last 5 years or so with a dysfunctional, abusive, and PD FIL with whom we have both gone NC. (FIL and MIL are technically separated, although still very, very enmeshed) Recently things came to a head with MIL over our NC and some other issues. After standing up for myself and my family and setting a boundary with MIL, (and saying some things DH was feeling but is still not ready to say himself) I have officially triggered the apocalypse.

I knew it was coming, I struggled with setting the boundary because I knew what it would mean. I know there's no going back. However, MIL has begun to pull other family members in to the situation (as expected) and it all of a sudden it's hitting me hard that I am now, and possibly forever, The Bad Guy^TM. I don't regret it, DH is not only fine with everything but is proud of me and has used this situation to stand up for himself too. We are united on this, I have a wonderful FOO myself and of course my wonderful FOC, and yet...

I can't stomach the thought of these people hating me. I know I'm a people pleaser by nature (and I'm working on that). I know on one level that not everyone will like me. I was even okay with them not liking me. But this active hating of me that is spreading to other family members is hard to stomach. Some of the comments that DH's sister made recently, as well as what I know of MIL even though DH won't tell me exactly what she said, just make me feel sick.

I know that however unlikely, reconciliation is possible still for DH and at least some of these people because he's "real" family, but I think as the outsider I will never be forgiven for refusing to participate in the family dysfunction. We are not NC yet, and it seems like we'll probably maintain LC at least unless something else drastic happens, so I will probably have to see these people again, although hopefully not for a good while. I fantasize about explaining myself to them clearly and so logically that they can't help but see my side (hahahaha one can dream). Does it get easier? How have other people coped with being the bad guy in these situations? I feel like I'm going crazy, like maybe they are right and I am the bad person in all of this even when logically I know I'm not.

Alexmom · July 24, 2019, 03:22:47 PM

First, I would re-frame the inner dialogue and the question you have asked. You are not the 'bad guy'. You are a brave and resilient person who is making a smart choice in distancing yourself from the dysfunction that you've been dealing with for too long. Bravo for you! Also, please know that when you upset the apple cart and make the changes you have, you cannot avoid the blowback and negative responses that are currently underway. It unfortunately is usually part of the process. However, a new normal will set in once the dust settles, which will bring you more peace and quality of life.

Practice a lot of self care, spend your time with family and friends who love and respect you, and give this change time. Time and distance from the crazy is the healer in all of this. Take care.

bloomie · July 24, 2019, 04:04:36 PM

twistedknots - Hi there. Went back and read your posts since you joined us. I am really glad you are here for support and encouragement. I do not know you, but I can say with 100% certainty that you didn't cause this, your can't cure it, and you cannot control what is unfolding in your DH's FOO right now. See 3 C's rule: https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/the-3-cs-rule

One of the unexpected things I encountered when coming Out of the FOG and bearing the weight of the shaming and denouncing of my DH's family was how much I allowed myself to be defined by the opinion of people who didn't like me, much less love me. It was humbling to see and an important order of business to work through. Now there was something I could control, cure, change.

I have had to develop internal boundaries around what I allow myself to think about, dwell on, believe. I have had to learn to filter my thinking and when an untrue and illogical thought comes into my mind like this one: "I feel like I'm going crazy, like maybe they are right and I am the bad person in all of this even when logically I know I'm not." I have learned to take aim and tear it apart with what I know to be true about myself.

I guess what I am suggesting that has really made the difference for me is to fight back. Not directly with them, unless it would be appropriate to address some of the untrue things be said about you to extended family, but within yourself is where I am most talking about right now. The battle in all of this stuff with disordered family members as I see it a lot of the time after we begin to get Out of the FOG and set healthy, appropriate, reasonable boundaries with really unhealthy and often destabilized folks, is the battle that rages inside of our heart and mind.

The continued angst and trouble we allow into our lives most often begins in how we think about things - especially ourselves. And I have found that even if we are not in contact and know we did the right thing in setting boundaries and getting distance, those thoughts and the reality that there are those out there who have positioned themselves against us can be crippling if we let it take over. That is where you win this battle and turn this into a powerful lesson and time of growth, clarity, and change within yourself.

I have learned to believe in myself and trust my perceptions through all of this. And a lot of the self doubt has dissipated in time. And I have a firm foundation and am able to face the undeserved treatment by others fairly well most of the time though I do wobble here and there and I come here to my friends for support.

And I can't ask for more than that of my human myself.

A really reassuring resource is that I have learned a lot from is the Surviving Narcissism Youtube Channel found here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIELB1mz8wMKIhB6DCmTBlw

It gets better in time. It really does! And you are not alone!

twistedknots · July 24, 2019, 06:15:22 PM

Thank you both for taking the time to respond, and your kind words and wise insights.

I feel like I'm just emotionally flailing right now, because it's all so fresh. I don't trust my self or my perceptions at the moment, or I do but then I second guess everything after another big blowout (there was another one last night which is why this morning was hard). Controlling my negative thought patterns has been a struggle for a long time now, and my own mental health was not in a good space when this all started which didn't help.

I am trying to surround myself with people who love me and understand, and focus on myself, but there is lots of alone time in my life at the moment and that's where the struggle is. We (DH and I) are making an appointment to see a counselor together to talk through some things, which should be helpful. I appreciate you listening to me here and the support, so thanks!

bloomie · July 25, 2019, 10:18:38 AM

Quote from: twistedknotsI am trying to surround myself with people who love me and understand, and focus on myself, but there is lots of alone time in my life at the moment and that's where the struggle is. We (DH and I) are making an appointment to see a counselor together to talk through some things, which should be helpful. I appreciate you listening to me here and the support, so thanks!

This is so wise! Self care and surrounding yourself with people who love you and are healthy is really good self care. One thing that really helped me was finding an older wise person to meet with weekly who was a mentor to me. She was another voice of compassion, reason, help, hope and had been through tough things in her own life and she "got" what I was going through.

Individual therapy for me, mentoring, a group of people who I could spend time with who loved me, self care - exercise, rest, fluids, getting outside and digging in the dirt.. or you doing things that bring you joy - all of these things have been really important in the healing journey!

Keep coming here and sharing as well. We are here for you!

Cat of the Canals · July 25, 2019, 06:03:24 PM

I'm going through something very similar right now. My SIL has recently shown the first signs of "taking sides" after some very minor boundary-setting between me and MIL.

I've known my SIL for most of her life - she was five when my husband and I started dating. I love her dearly, and it was a bit of a shock when I realized the sudden change in our relationship. But I can't control my MIL's smear campaign or how anyone reacts.

I have hopes that the dust will settle and SIL will come to her senses. I don't think she possesses the bitterness required to hold that kind of grudge. That being said, if this was it for us, I'd accept it. Because there's nothing else I can do. I will not undo or loosen my boundaries. I refuse to go back to being a doormat.

Stay strong! Something that has helped me in moments of doubt is reminding myself that 1. boundaries and normal and healthy, and 2. that my boundaries are quite simple and not at all difficult to comply with. They are simple requests that do harm to no one.

twistedknots · July 26, 2019, 03:21:25 PM

Thanks, Bloomie. I would love an older mentor, that sounds lovely. I do have a good friend with her own PD mom and she has helped me immensely with her experiences and empathy. I have been getting outside more lately, but I do need to remember to eat and drink more healthy. That's one of the first things to go for me when I'm stressed.

Cat of the Canals I'm sorry to hear you have a similar problem, particularly with someone so close. Glad to hear you're holding firm. It's always good to remind myself that MIL (and whoever else she gets on her side) don't seem to have a problem demanding anything and everything from us, so my (reasonable) boundaries should be pretty easy for them compared to that. And like you said, maybe after the dust settles things will look different. It's hard to escape the immediate feelings and tensions, and I know MIL is trying to use those feelings against us anyways hoping that we'll crack. I'm settling in for her extinction burst, and reading through the forum and toolbox here is helpful.

Call Me Cordelia · July 27, 2019, 06:32:44 AM

I'm going through a similar situation with both my FOO and my ILs... gone NC with the parental units, and the smear campaigns are no doubt going strong. DH and I have received no communication from any other family members since, except as flying monkeys. On bad days I do question myself, like maybe I am crazy/unforgiving/expecting too much. But then I go back and read journals or read my old posts here and remember. Abuse amnesia is a real thing. For a minor example, I objected to my MIL's passive-aggressive demand that we get a family photo done in matching t-shirts she sent us. She has a formula for these, "I can't wait to see (whatever the hoop is this time)!" Well, you can wait forever, and doesn't that make me the killjoy. "Well if it's too much to do that teeny thing it's not like you HAVE to..."

I bring up this particular example because it plays directly into manipulating the people-pleasing part of us, and I'm guessing you have similar patterns from what you wrote. On it's own it wouldn't be enough for NC, but it's the pattern of abusive tactics over a long period of time that erode a relationship. I tried to jump through those hoops for many years, only to find that none of it counted. MIL was looking for offenses the whole time. You and I were both The Bad Guy before we ever set a boundary, from what I'm seeing from both of our stories. But so much of it is so subtle, that somebody who doesn't understand these dynamics would likely think we are being petty and holding a grudge when we try to JADE. And to recount all of these things would take way way too long for anybody but a therapist! There was a Last Straw, but it was merely the last most overt thing in a pattern of terrible treatment. If we'd had a good relationship and this last thing was completely out of character (MIL tried to blame her final blowup on stress), we could have worked it out. But that's not the case for us.

We need the validation to get through these things, and that's what this board is for so no worries about posting! I feel that way too when I have an active issue and people don't respond a lot, I start to obsess that I'm pathetic or too needy or whatever. Validating myself through journaling has also been invaluable to me. I can write as much as I need to, spill all the emotions, about major or minor events. Something about putting my experiences in writing gives them the weight of their reality in my mind.

I hope that's helpful to you. You are absolutely entitled to your boundaries! You're doing so well.

Maisey · July 27, 2019, 03:04:46 PM

Its hard to always be the bad guy, and sometimes no matter what you do , you will be the bad guy.

I try to keep in my mind that no matter what I do, I am always dealing with screwball situations where the instigators will not be responsible for their actions no matter what. And if I respond to something in a negative way or speak up against said screwball situations, I will be "wrong".

At this point in time, I don't care if the inlaws don't like my reactions or responses. I don't care if sometimes I "lose the grip" on my reactions and don't always "be the kind considerate adult". Because I have now had a lot of years were I have tried to do this and it doesn't matter. It won't change. I am not terribly concerned now if I respond to or deal with something "not so nicely" , say in a public place, because I am being continually expected to deal sanely with a never ending crazy situation. That is alot of pressure.

A couple times recently my H has said something about my reaction, its "well, how about me NOT being put in that position in the first place". Noone wants to hear the truth in front of others? Don't give me the reason to voice it.

(Well, I rambled on there about myself. I am going thru a "pipe in some reality" phase in regard to my H.)

Keep ahold of the truth.

M.

M.

twistedknots · July 29, 2019, 12:03:10 PM

Call me Cordelia and Maisey, thank you both so much.

Call Me Cordelia everything you wrote rings so true for me. my MIL is not so overtly crazy that any one instance is so bad as to justify going NC, it's the years and years of subtle jabs, and gaslighting, and passive aggressive comments, and to explain it to anyone just makes me look insane. And you're right, to MIL I have been the bad guy for years and years already even back when I was trying to do everything I could to make her happy. I remember one particular conversation where she told DH that I "never" was happy at her house and that I wasn't even trying to fit in or be a part of her family and how hurt that made her. And at that part of our lives, I was trying SO HARD to be a good DIL and do all the things she wanted and there was just no pleasing her.

Thank you for sharing, it is validating to know someone gets it. It's hard to hang on to reality some days when according to some of the in laws reality is something else entirely.

Maisey, I just said something so similar to DH yesterday. It's not about me (or him) reacting perfectly in every situation, it's about the fact that we shouldn't be put in these awful situations in the first place! Why we are expected to be perfectly calm, and rational, and kind, and thoughtful, in the midst of all these accusations and demands and insane emotions from MIL is beyond me. She's allowed to rage and storm, and fling accusations and hurtful remarks, but I'm supposed to be ever so calm and just take it. No thanks. Did that for years and it obviously didn't work either.

I hope you can continue to "pipe in reality" to your H, I know sometimes that is the hardest thing to do when you're seeing it so very differently.

mrsstrezy · July 31, 2019, 08:36:12 AM

Twistedknots-

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I was in the same spot you were in almost a year ago. I went to a dark place for a really long time. Extreme anxiety about seeing my NPDmil, constantly doubting myself, feeling insane amounts of guilt, and constantly worrying about what other people were thinking of me because I knew I was being smeared to anyone who would listen. I even noticed myself acting overly nice to people, worried that people would think that I was this horrible person that my NPDmil claimed I was.

You've gotten some great responses here. And I'm here to tell you, it gets better. All of a sudden, something clicked with me, and it was like I passed on to a new stage of healing. Before I couldn't even look at my NPDmil without feeling disgusted. Now I can actually exchange a greeting when it's warranted and a few superficial words. Now I have come to realize that I'm not the problem, that she is the problem and I cannot control what she does, only myself. I've gotten so much help from this forum, reading books on personality disorders, spending time with people who appreciate me and treat me well, and doing whatever self-care I can(despite caring for a 1 yr old and 4 yr old

) I do still have some bad moments and minor anxiety about seeing her, but it's nothing compared to how it was a year ago. Keep setting boundaries, read up on grey rock and medium chill(which I'm sure you already have). You've got this!