MIL never let us have a marriage

[hhaw]

Consider the work transfer sooner than later.

Once divorce is filed, you might not have choice in the matter.

[UglyLove666]

Dearest L:

Sorry for the delay in responding to your questions to me regarding how I have been able to stay with my DH. I could write a short novel, but I believe the #1 reason I have been able to stay is because I started seeing a therapist and DH agreed to come to some sessions. The therapist explained to my husband that he's going to lose me forever if he doesn't start to put up boundaries with his family and have my back. "Leave and cleave" was a term my therapist used.

But it's a process for sure. There are still times when I think about divorce, even after the work we've done together as a couple, and the changes we've instituted in how we communicate with my ILs. I love the man very much, but if I had to do it all over again, I think I would never have married him. There were red flags at the beginning and I ignored them. I knew what his mother was like when I was dating him.

The level of contact has been drastically reduced. It's the only silver lining related to the pandemic.

[Llie]

Hi all,


How are u all doing?
I have been in so much distress. H keeps asking me about the visiting rights for my daughter and that makes it very real and scary for me. Eventhough I knew from the beginning that he has made himself clear but still part of me was like in denial or hoping things would become okay. But now it's becoming more and more real as he keeps asking whether we should discuss a settlement or take it to court.

I really want to cry why is he so heartless and so ready to divorce leaving me and our child and then separating her from me even it it were a day a week why would I have to go through that. And on top of that he blames me for destroying our familyunit because I decided not to follow and give living with his 'now-changed'-mother a go. While he just walked out on us to go back to living with her saying we should follow or he will permanently leave

[Associate of Daniel]

Lilie, your situation is so awful.  I'm so sorry.

I strongly advise you to get, at the least, legal advice before speaking to your H about visitation.  But better yet, have a lawyer do all of the communication.

It costs a lot of money but having the lawyer as a buffer in between the 2 of you is a big help psychologically.  And it's peace of mind that what you are requsting and the procedures you are taking are legally sound.

As you heal over the years, you'll be more confident to do some of the communication yourself, to his lawyer.  Thereby cutting the costs.

Do keep us posted. You have a lot of support here.

AOD

[PeanutButter]

Hi all,


How are u all doing?
I have been in so much distress. H keeps asking me about the visiting rights for my daughter and that makes it very real and scary for me. Eventhough I knew from the beginning that he has made himself clear but still part of me was like in denial or hoping things would become okay. But now it's becoming more and more real as he keeps asking whether we should discuss a settlement or take it to court.

I really want to cry why is he so heartless and so ready to divorce leaving me and our child and then separating her from me even it it were a day a week why would I have to go through that. And on top of that he blames me for destroying our familyunit because I decided not to follow and give living with his 'now-changed'-mother a go. While he just walked out on us to go back to living with her saying we should follow or he will permanently leave

I strongly feel that up to certian age a baby should not be sent for visitation away from its mother.
I would not give him any visits unless supervised by me at my choice of location.
Think of your baby being taken to that malignant abusers (mil) home. Think of your baby in mil's arms having done god only knows what to her. Evidence of what she did to your H is all the proof I would need to tell him that "yes he will need to arrange visits through the court. If he thinks a court will give him and mil visits in their cozy little 'emotional incest nest'  with a helpless child tell him to have at it."
Seriously! Call his bluff. What else can you do?
You've played nice and it has got you here. Move away from the area. Dont give him your address. This is serious buisness. H you knew does not exist. This man is going to give his abuser access to your child. You are the only one who can protect her. Its you or noone.
Anything you can do to stall him is what you should do. Once you start giving him visits the court will probably continue that. But if he abandoned you and baby and hasn't ever come over regularly to visit then he will have to show he is fit.ime
IMO Tell him "yes you will need to go to court, because I do not willingly send my baby to known abuser's homes." Then cut all contact with him! Please!

[hhaw]

Llie:

I'm sorry you're suffering. 

I believe your husband is suffering also.  The thing is.... his mother cranks on him harder than you do, IMO.  She knows where to strike,  how hard, and when IF he fails to comply.

You?  You're never going to torment him, not ever.  He's not compelled to go against his mother... it costs him too much.  You?  You're hopeful, and you love him unconditionally...... you don't pull his heart strings or manipulate him.  You have an adult relationship with him, even if he doesn't have one with you, or his mother.

I invite you to think hard about your options and what you want to accomplish IF he goes forward with the divorce. 

Protecting your daughter will be the likely priority, IME.

Accept the divorce is going forward, bc you aren't going to move in with your MIL and h.

Accept you'll have to work out a visitation agreement.  Think about best case scenario..... THAT should be your main mission,  IMO.

You were going to move in with or closer to your mother.  I think that's a wise choice.

Forgive me for asking, but how old IS your MIL?  If she's 88yo or 70 or 60..... that impacts the number of years you'll have to worry about MIL manipulating and leveraging your dd against you... always to the child's detriment, IME.

[roughdiamonds1]

Hi Llie, I just want to remind you that none of this is your fault. You're not to blame, and you have done the things you absolutely had to do for the safety and wellbeing of yourself and your daughter.

I sent you a private message with the details of someone who might be able to give you an idea of where to go from here. She's a separation strategist and She has made it her life's work to help women in situations like yours. If you check your messages on this site, hopefully you'll see it there.

Whatever you choose to do next, it's going to be scary but you can do this. Sending strength to you.

[UglyLove666]

Dearest L:

RoughDiamonds is so correct- NONE of this is your fault.

The grieving process won't be easy. I realize you've probably been slowly going through it (on some level) for a time. Try to be gentle with yourself; imagine yourself as that precious little baby you have.

I am really so very sorry. I know you are in so much pain. My heart breaks for you.

You are so intelligent. And I know this reads as trite: you are so much stronger than you ever realized. You and that little child are going to be fine. Please do not let that disturbed woman near your child. Your DH is proof of the power of enmeshment and emotional incest. He is not the man you married; he belongs to his disordered mother now.

Again: I am so sorry. Please keep us posted as you can.

[Llie]

To all,



I finally found a place, the landlord sent the contract and everything just 2 days ago also a work transfer is possible.
But the contract is not yet signed and just yesterday I got the divorce papers from my ex H, also claiming our daughter 50/50, but for now as she is small he's claiming 2 weekends a month and half of holidays.

I always let him see the child at my place. The past few days he was so kind and nice and I thought maybe he was missing his family but instead he was scheming all this. I feel so so stupid and naive. But I cant change that now How do I go about this?
I'll contact my lawyer when the offices open here. Can I claim full custody by proving that he is just a puppet of his unstable mother and that their attachment isn't healthy and that I fear for my daughter? He does regularly come to see her asks about her every day and pays child support. The reason I allowed him to see her was because I thought if he can see her at my place he won't give me a hard time about wanting to take her to his hoe (his mothers home).

I was almost there, The contract for the house just needed to be signed and then this comes. Is it too late?

Please advise me

[Llie]

Also I've been going through so many emotions still, a lot of guilt as well and questioning myself doubting myself, which is wh I've been so hesitant in making decisions. His action now has really opened my eyes. But I feel like I lost a lot of time just being in emotional distress.

I didn't think he would file for divorce just yet to be honest. But I was so so wrong

[PeanutButter]

Im glad you made progress towards moving.

Its hard to give up the dream. IME the dream was based on lies I told myself. My unpdxH was never the person I pretended to myself he was. In this way I understand what you say you have been feeling.

I am deeply sorry for your pain. 

[hhaw]

I'm sorry, Llie.
This is going to be a very sad time for you.  No matter how things go... there will be new things knocking you off your stride.  Flooding you emotionally.... making you feel upside down.  It gets easier to get over them, but better to KNOW they're coming and stop being surprised, IME. I guess I'm saying... release expectation.  Don't expect anything nice or good or right from your stbx, and he won't keep surprising you.


I should think you could go ahead with the move SINCE it was in the works before you were served with the divorce.  You have a job move in place, and a new lease in place....... you planned this, I'd get to it quickly.  My husband did all sorts of things after I filed the divorce, and he got away with every single one of them.... he had to undo ONE thing, without consequences. 

Get that distance in place, if you still can. 

[Adria]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

Chances are you will have to share custody.  My dh took my kids to drug parties and everything, and the courts said, if I didn't let him see the kids, I was the one that would go to jail.  Maybe tell him you want custody to go through the courts and make him fight you for it. Don't just let him have the baby. He abandoned you and the baby for his mom, so tell him you want everything to do with the child to go through legal channels.

[Entj]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I agree with hhaw, since you started planning to move jobs and have a new place BEFORE you were served with the divorce papers, you should be able to get away with it. Your best bet is to consult a lawyer ASAP.

Please keep us updated. Sending you lots of hugs!

[hhaw]

Or..... move then say you didn't know better.... you were pretty overwhelmed with a new baby daughter, a husband who chose his mother over his family, finding support near your mother AND your job transfer.... you had a lot going on BEFORE the SBTX FILED TO DIVORCE THE MOTHER OF HIS BRAND NEW BABY DAUGHTER..... because....
excuse me.... I don't think I've seen it posted, but WHAT cause did the STBX give for filing the divorce?

Did he flat out list the fact he chose to live with his mother AND his wife wouldn't move WITH him?

I mean..... I really want to know IF you don't mind sharing, Llie.

Also, my husband put a lot of property and money INTO a Children's Trust DURING the divorce, got away with it, then went about selling off the property to a.... never mind.  I'm trying to say.... I've ONLY once seen my stbx have to reverse something he did during the divorce, transfer a LOT of money INTO HIS PARENT's bank account, that he had to reverse.  Everything else he did was pretty much ignored and nobody cared.

I say.... consider staying on track with the move and be prepared to back it up with documentation it was  all begun PRE DIVORCE. 

There's a reason your stbx is filing now.   I think he wants to curtail your ability to move. 

Sorry for all the caps... it's one of those days.