Answering "what am I doing with my life"?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

This is a question I ask myself. I guess it is based in wanting to feel my life has been worthwhile, had some value or some positive impact somewhere. 

A similar question I wonder is "have I done anything for anyone else"? Raising kids does not count because parents are needed to provide for their own children. I think people can fail even at that, but believe most consider just having kids is enough of an answer. I am however thinking about this more broadly and in general. 
 
I think when you are raised in a family headed by someone with NPD, you may not have been shown equilibrium, balance, how to advocate for yourself without trampling on others or how to give and not sacrifice yourself. I am not sure I was in a place up until a few years ago where I could have done anything for anyone because I was always feeling so depleted myself. 
       
Since getting Out of the FOG, I feel I have become more whole as a person. This is a huge personal achievement, but I cannot talk about it with anyone and that in itself does not do anything for anyone. My general nature is peaceful. If I think about things I have done for others, it is mostly small stuff. I do things such as looking up at someone I pass in a hallway and smiling so they know they are not invisible. At work, I help new colleagues by explaining certain tasks that nobody ever informed me of so it is easier for them. If I am out in a store or restaurant and see someone is working hard, but perhaps seems overwhelmed, I tell them I think they are doing a good job so they feel validated.

Mostly I do not think my life is ever going to have a big splash. It might have small ripples. I guess I feel like I have done so much inner work, I am starting to look outward now. I wonder if what I am doing day by day in my new more healed and whole self is enough? Is it enough that I am here doing these things? In a loud world I do know if anyone even notices or cares about such small things.   
     

[LemonLime]

BP, I don't have much time right now but I can't let you go another minute thinking you haven't been enough.  You have helped so many people on this board, myself included, to turn their entire lives around.  You've been a soft place to land in a harsh world.  That means so much to so many.

I'll leave you with a link to an Eckhart Tolle video, which I believe will show you his philosophy on life purpose (Hope I got the right one, but I think it will give you the idea).  No pressure to watch it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5NFgN-djJQ

  

[moglow]

What if your small things are so much bigger than you imagine? What if that person you spoke to was in agony thinking no one saw them, no one cared? What if that inspired them in turn to reach out to others, to pay it forward as it were? What if your thoughts and heartache shared here helps people to look within and say "Well Blueberry Pancakes is questioning, is it any wonder I am too?? Maybe everyone does - and that's okay!"

It could be that the peace you find in the small things makes it easier to step forward with bigger things. Something shifted within me when I started talking about the abuse and sharing my story with others. People SAW me, realized I'm someone who can be trusted to be there with them even when we may not agree. They see that I may share unpleasant truths and encourage them to see the ugly stuff for what it is, and it's not to harm but hopefully help them along the way.

Ripples.

And thank you for sharing that, LemonLime. It's just what I needed this morning.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, LemonLime and Moglow.
 
I guess I sort of feel like perhaps I have to make sure I lived something worthy of having been given this life, or like I have a "higher authority" to answer to. I want to make sure I have a good answer.     

I like the Eckhart Tolle referral, it is good. I have been a fan of his for years. 
 
Moglow, I think it is interesting that you mention when you started sharing your story people saw you. That is powerful. I agree it helps make sense of everything and move forward. 

Thank you. 

[moglow]

Blueberry, it helps remind me that we choose who we are - we truly can be either better or bitter and it's up to us to make that choice, sometimes every day.

You mentioned speaking to that hard worker and it brings to mind an encounter I had a few years ago. It was middle of the pandemic when people were avoiding each other and weren't even looking anyone in the eye, everybody was in their own bubble and scared of their own breath. I stopped by the grocery store on my way home from work [after 6pm] and a kind soul was diligently working the produce department. I made a point to speak with her and she looked at me with tears in her eyes "Do you know you're the first person who's spoken to me all day and I've been here since seven this morning. Not one person until now. This is a nightmare nobody can escape from." It just broke my heart for her! I realized too, I'd been avoiding everyone and staying in my bubble, just getting through. Since then I speak to every worker everywhere, I'm probably that annoying woman who just won't shut up but dammit no one stays alone in my presence unless that's what they choose!!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Wow, Moglow. It seems you were the light in a dark time, and a dark moment for the person working the produce department. It seems like at that time, it did take a certain amount of courage to step out of our bubbles, and obviously it meant the world for that person.

I would silently watch similar workers in grocery stores, and feel huge amounts of gratitude for them and what they were doing. I never said a thing though. I felt like they were making my world still spin and providing a sense of doing something normal just being able to get food to feed my family. It was, to me anyway, a monumental activity and so nice to see someone knowing they mattered.

[Boat Babe]

Life is a series of small acts that build up to the story of a life well lived. A good metaphor is the face we inhabit if we are lucky enough to get old. An elderly person whose face folds into smile and laugh lines is just beautiful. Every fleeting smile has gone into creating that beautiful face. I think your life, dear BP, is like that. You have struggled to survive and then to thrive. You have made the choice to be a good person in spite of abuse. You do good things on the regular. You are loved and respected here. You have been the best parent you could be (NEVER underestimate this). A life of quiet heroism and love is enough.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Boat Babe. It is sort of feeling like I want God to be happy with what I am doing. I guess as long as I remain aligned to who I am, all will be OK because I believe who I am is overall good. It is a long way to come however if you were raised being told you are inherently bad or something is wrong with you. Thank you.   

[square]

I've often thought that the small things are actually the main point.

There is a real limit to what we can do. Some people make big splashes, but they are really just more visible. There is an upper end to how many people even the biggest splashers of us can forge meaningful connections to.

The Beatitudes encapsulate the idea that our smallness is not a hinderance but a help. We're not called upon to do big things but small ones.

We all want to have meaningful lives, and that is a true goal. I think the idea that meaningful must or even can be big is where we get confused.

Personally, I would like to live a more meaningful life, on this small scale. I think I need to forge more connections with other people and learn to accept and enjoy them as they are, after taking peaceful and centered steps to protect myself with boundaries (including weeding out toxic people). I hope to have more space to pursue this over the next year.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Square. What you say about a meaningful life is beautiful.   

[BeautifulCrazy]

This thread reminds me of the story of the boy who was throwing starfish that had been washed up on a beach back into the sea. A man remarked to the boy that since there were many thousands of starfish washed ashore, he couldn't possibly make a difference. The boy threw another starfish and replied, "I made a difference to that one."

I believe there are many ways to make a positive difference, however small. I also believe that the tiniest of acts (ripples) can travel unimaginably far and have tsunami effects that we will probably never know. I can think of a few instances where my life trajectory was completely altered or substantially improved by something small and probably relatively insignificant to the person/ people who made it happen.

I know you said, Blueberry, that raising kids doesn't count, but like Boat Babe, I think breaking a cycle of PD abuse or neglect instead of passing it down to another generation, does count as a tremendous achievement and positive impact. Just like abuse can, the ripples of cycle breaking can echo down countless generations.
I do understand your wanting to do more though, with your life, than just being parent.
Is there something specific you would like to do, or a particular difference you would like to be making to the world? If so, can you take steps toward doing it?
Even if you never do find something "more" or "bigger", you seem like a positive difference maker to me. From where I am walking, I can see you. You are doing a tremendous job, on your particular stretch of beach, of throwing all the starfish you can. 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

BC, thank you.  "Starfish" is beautiful. 
 
I guess I tend to overlook and underestimate the cycle-breaker aspect. Yes, I do think that is me.

I feel like others would have to be able to notice the absence of something bad when being with me and it is easy to not recognize, but maybe that is OK.   
     
Thanks.   

[moglow]

It matters to this starfish too, Blueberry. The compassion, kindness, camaraderie, they all matter.

I believe there are many ways to make a positive difference, however small. I also believe that the tiniest of acts (ripples) can travel unimaginably far and have tsunami effects that we will probably never know. I can think of a few instances where my life trajectory was completely altered or substantially improved by something small and probably relatively insignificant to the person/ people who made it happen.

Feeling blessed by this, BC. I needed to read and be reminded today.

[square]

My mom broke the cycle, and I've appreciated it since I was a teen and able to understand it.

Believe me, it counts, more than anything could honestly.

[Hilltop]

I feel like I have been told over and over how unless you do something big with your life then what is the purpose of it. However when you think of all the graves over the world, how many have gone before us up until this day then the idea of doing something big as being the main purpose doesn't feel right to me.

I do feel those small acts of kindness are important. I know those small kindnesses from strangers have the ability to alter my day and in some moments brings a feeling of connection which is appreciated. 

As I come Out of the FOG with a lot more healing in front of me I am finding that my purpose is learning to fully accept myself, authentic connections with others, doing things I love and enjoy, enjoying the love and connection with my pets, really appreciating nature. I suppose in essence it's fully appreciating life.

I say this because for years I felt I was held down and too stressed to enjoy anything. From anger and confusion to depression as you say too depleted for anything, at times too depleted to fully enjoy life. Coming Out of the FOG and feeling the weight slowly lifting off me has been nice but it has also shown me how I was living for years with that weight holding me down. I was living in fear of being mocked rather than living proud of who I am. I sometimes wonder when I am old and look back what do I want to see and one thing is sure, I don't want to see that I continued living in fear or held down by other people's opinion of me.

It is encouraging to read how you now feel like a whole person. I do strongly feel though that acts of kindness do have a ripple effect, some call it a vibration and it's way more important than we realise.  I also believe that breaking that cycle of abuse is extraordinary. How many have come before us that couldn't change. What you have done for your children is life changing.

[Truthseeker1]

Blueberry,
You are already so significant!
You have impacted my life with your comments and I know so many others are blessed by you as well. You already are what you are striving to be. I too have struggled with the concept of significance. In fact, those feelings of insignificance actually propelled me to become quite significant in my little community. I don't say that to toot my own horn but I am kind of a big fish in a small pond. I have made big and little splashes over the years. Having done both, I have now resolved myself to never miss the opportunity for a little splash. If a big one comes then so be it and I will make that one too but it is the little ones I consciously try to never miss. I may never know the impact of my action. Infact, the impact may not even be realized until several generations down the road.  When we ever so slightly change the trajectory of another persons life, the final impact can be tremendous. So now I mostly focus on the little things.
I personally believe that walking on the path of life with Jesus by my side is my big thing. That is a huge accomplishment in of itself. Long story but also a testimony of little things having a big impact.
As I walk with Jesus, I also see things through His eyes. We see each starfish along the way and let them know they are seen and are important. That is the big job. I will paraphrase but I love the moglo's comment about no one is going unseen on her watch!! That is my heart as well.  Live like that because it is good and it is right. Be kind and encouraging and your splash will be monumental.
If you can walk with Jesus and tend to the seemingly small ones in front of you, when it's all said and done, You will surly hear the words, "well done, my good and faithful servant".  You will have lived a life of significance!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I just came back to re-read, and wanted to thank everyone for the feedback. The little things. Breaking the cycle. Thank you!! 

[countrygirl]

Hi Blueberry,

I am adding my name to those here who have been helped by you.  Your reply to my post last week, regarding my friend who was "taking and not giving," really moved me.  I felt understood and supported.   

Once I was discussing this very topic with a friend, and noted that we can't all be Mother Theresa, but we can try to make the lives of those with whom we come in contact a little brighter.  So many people on this board come from families where we were not treated with compassion, so your kind words are a true balm.  Thank you!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Countrygirl.