First the birthday and then the wedding.... sign of another PD friend?

[Latchkey]

I've been friends with this person since 1991. I met her about a year before she got unexpectedly pregnant with her D now 27. I remember hugging her at the news she was pregnant when many of her family abandoned her. Some for years, she ended up living with catholic charities for a while. Her long term friends were largely judgemental and unsupportive. I was there for her as much as unmarried 22 yo could be at the time. I didn't judge.  Our lives took twists and turns, we both were working moms. Then I became a single working mom of two. We had a lot in common. We remained friends through it all.

So, last year my friend turns 50. I do not get invited to her bday party in another city with her closest gfs and sister that she doesn't even see that often. Not even a courtesy invite not even a nod to me just me getting to listen to about the party before during and after. So, I'm thinking, gee, your friends from kindergarten ok, I get it. It gave me pause as if I was to throw a 50th she would have been one of the 1st I'd invited prior to this happening. (I had been invited to anything happening in our city for years so this being left out was surprising to me)

Anyway so now a year later her D27 gets engaged. Like many millenials, the baby comes before the wedding. In this case, two babies, but who is counting and I was there at the baby shower for my friend's D with my own D22 last year. For the wedding, I was called and asked for recommendations for a particular vendor within a day or so of the engagement. I talked at length to friend's D who I was not super close too but I consider her like a niece and we are connected on social media etc.

A few weeks later after the call and texts with her D I get the news (from my friend) that the wedding is now a destination one and then told that I am not on the list for the wedding because they had to narrow the list down. I was stunned and a little hurt because it is a domestic destination and not very expensive to get to. I've seen this friend a number of times and she's made it clear I was not on the guest list even going so far as to show me the wedding dress because I was not going to see her on the wedding day, telling me about how her bff from kindergarten is booking her hotel etc...

Well, guess what!

An invite appeared today in the mail
Silly me, I let my friend know via text and am happy about it but then same friend says she didn't think I was on the first round list. That she wished there hadn't been a second list blah blah  like she was suprised as well...



I'm sure this is a sign of some kind of PD or just really bad behavior but something keeps telling me to settle for less and continue the friendship. I'm just feeling like I need to say something but once I do that I don't think I can continue the friendship. It just hurts to be treated this way and it's so confusing to me.

Any advice for others that might have been through this? Should I bring this up as being hurtful? My friend doesn't seem to think anything is wrong but I can't possibly go and book a trip and be part of this wedding when It would have been a stretch in the first place and feeling so put out over my friends dismissal of my r/s with her and her daughter when I was literally there for her before her D was even born.

[SerenityCat]

 

It just hurts to be treated this way and it's so confusing to me

Maybe you can say some version of this to her, along with something like "What the heck is going on?".

Has she always been this badly behaved?

[notrightinthehead]

That is really hurtful behaviour. I would feel treated like an embarrassing relative. I would also fear that the relationship will end if I say something.  On the other hand, the relationship has changed already, thanks to the two rejections you endured.

[TriedTooHard]

This is very hurtful.  Especially after all the hard work you've done to become more aware of PDs.  Who knows what her problem is - its very tiresome to always be wondering about certain people. 

Like a previous poster responded, has she always lacked basic courtesy for events like this?  Could there be something else going on?  I ask in the hopes you realize its not you with the issue.

I have been through something similar.  A few years back, an aunt had what I referred to as an "A" list "B" list thing going for her daughter's wedding.  Naturally I was on the "B" list.  Prior to that, she had grown distant and was shutting a lot of people out.  Her behavior in other ways also got strange.  Looking back through the years, I realized that despite now being financially comfortable, this person has a problem with money and could very possibly be OCPD.   

I also learned that as she was slowly shutting me out of her life, her daughters were struggling emotionally and distancing themselves from her.  But their lives are such a mess, they still need their mother for financial support.  It was all supposed to be hidden, but it can no longer be hidden.  There's nothing I can do except to sit back and hope they're ok.  A lot of people have dropped out of their lives and we're now finally getting the invitations from them we wished we could have received 20 years ago.  Except this time not many are showing up.  We send gifts and our well wishes, while they sit there wondering why not many come around anymore.

Its very sad and without this forum, I'd be tempted to attend, but I just don't want to anymore.  I hope you find a way through this without too much grief.

[clara]

I agree that, unless this has been a long-standing pattern with her (PDs can't disguise their behavior for very long) this sounds more like just plain bad behavior.  It's something that just happens.  You think you know someone then they pull a stunt like this.  What's going on in their head is something you can't really access because, to them, they have a very good reason for doing what they do.  Most of the time, it seems trying to explain your feelings only causes them to double-down, since they can justify their behavior to themselves and how dare you take offense?!  They get super defensive, and they get that way because they knew what they did was wrong.   All you're then left with is trying to decide how you want to proceed.  I guess if this was me, I'd look for patterns in her past behavior that might clue me in to how she'd respond if I made my disappointment clear.  If she's being truly honest with you, she won't become defensive or upset--she'll try to understand your hurt and want to respond positively to it.  That's what real friends do.  But if she has a pattern of not really caring how her behavior affects others, then there's likely nothing you can say that will get through.  If that's the case, I'd keep the relationship at a distance and allow her to make the next move, see how she responds to your pulling back.  Then take it from there. 

[Latchkey]

Thank you all for posting, it really helps.
What I have been seeing for the past year or so since the bday party is that I am invited to things as the person that will go with her to the weird/arty/political things. I'm also closest friend in proximity to her. I was never in this category so explicitly until recently that I was aware of. Last month I went to a movie with her and as we were leaving she says "I am so glad you'll go to movies like this with me, I would have gone alone-thank you thank you!" and another comment along similar lines and I remarked to my daughter WTAF is she saying? Like we've been friends for over 25 years and to have that kind of "thank you" for doing something that I thought was a friend outing also stung.

Basically I see this as another middle aged friend disintegration before my eyes. There was another incident where I remember she posted  within a day of us having a nice outing on facebook that all her BFF's were  (insert occupation) and then there is me- who is not and of course not included.

So, yes, over the past year or so she has been making lines and distinctions between me and this group of long term since elementary school friends. I knew she was loyal with them but geez none of them live close or spend near as much time with her regularly as I do and then you think, gosh, you've lived here for almost 30 years and I'm the only friend who actually lives here that even makes it into the "dear friend" category and can't even touch the BFF category apparently.

This morning I received a curt text asking me if I was going to the wedding.
I just responded I was considering and looking at my calendar not wanting to hold up the B list folks and that I'd let her and D know.

Grief, it's a good word. Feeling a lot of it right now.

And yes, it doesn't mean a PD but it sure feels like a PD move and I think I'll do the slow fade as I did with the other long term friend I did recently.

Sigh, glad y'all are here to listen. It's lonely being in this place of awareness and middle aged and losing long term friends in order to preserve your sanity and emotional balance.

[Penny Lane]

I'm having two sort of conflicting thoughts about this.

One is that weddings sometimes bring out the worst in people. You would not be the first to give a friend who is wedding planning some distance, only to have the friendship resume like normal afterward. If this is new behavior maybe try that?

The second is what you say here:

I'm sure this is a sign of some kind of PD or just really bad behavior but something keeps telling me to settle for less and continue the friendship. I'm just feeling like I need to say something but once I do that I don't think I can continue the friendship. It just hurts to be treated this way and it's so confusing to me.

When we start telling ourselves that we should settle for less, that's a red flag. Someone doesn't have to be a PD to not be right for us (and it sounds like, PD or no, she's pretty self-involved and insensitive). It hurts to lose a friendship that you've had for so long, but it also hurts to be treated this way.

My rule of thumb for confronting someone about their behavior is, am I able to ask them for something specific to change going forward, are they likely to do it and is it worth the energy to me to pursue it? Only you know the answers to all those questions.

Another option would be to just pull way back in the friendship. Decide that it's just not as close as you thought it was/it once was and proceed accordingly. Grieve for the former friendship and focus your energy on other people who treat you better.

Sorry you're dealing with this. It is SO hard to realize a friendship isn't what you once thought it was.

[Latchkey]

Yes, it's true about weddings and in thinking about that I remembered one recent conversation where she saw this wedding as her having succeeded in raising her daughter and this was her send-off. So, maybe what I am seeing is akin to her going back to where she was before the baby came. Maybe that is why she can dismiss me and raise up her childhood friends. In a way, she is behaving like they do and though I never really knew them when I am in proximity with them they treat me like an outsider.
So there it goes. Ever since the r/s with her D's BF grew more solid she was finally able to "breathe" and her fears for her D living on her own and having a career have been taken over by her D's BF who has agreed I hear to support her. He is a really wonderful guy but he does not come from a rich family and the D makes more than him at her current job so it's all kind of odd in more ways than one.

So, I did try to delay the RSVP No a bit and refuse to do it over text with my friend or her D. I did pretend I might go and ask about hotels. It turns out that my friend is staying in a place where the cheapest rooms are $400 a night and even if I did not stay there I would have to come in the friday before or take some kind of red eye as the wedding is early Saturday.

Again, I realized that even looking at the hotel costs hurt and stung. The wedding is in an area where she could have easily chosen more affordable accommodations and if I went I would have had to stay down the street where the rooms are under $100 or find some Air Bnb by myself.....while she and her BFF would stay at the super expensive one for some reason.

It's quite ironic and painful considering she's a working single mom like me and just a couple years ago her D was looking at Section 8 housing. I realize I sound bitter and sad but that's just what my #mood is for all this exclusionary nonsense.

At any rate, I have written my note on the RSVP card and going to mail it today.

[qcdlvl]

I don't know what it is about weddings that they bring out this sort of shenanigans, but you're definitely not alone and I can personally relate as something somewhat similar happened to me. A friend of mine, though the friendship was not as longstanding as in your case, was invited to our wedding (under 30 people, including us, so yeah, I considered her close). She replied that she wasn't sure she'd be able to make it, that she'd confirm when she was sure. Long story short, she never did, even though I sent her a reminder. I even asked a common friend about it, who said that the other friend was very busy, at which point I assumed, correctly that she wouldn't show up. We've not been in touch since - I'm not planning on reaching out to her, not because she didn't go to my wedding per se (I get it with work commitments, and she's from out of town) but because she didn't bother replying (yeah, too busy to reply, but not too busy to keep posting on facebook). It sucks, but I'm basically dropping the rope - if she wants to save the friendship, she could always apologize, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. Sometimes all you can do is drop the rope, because sometimes we don't get even an explanation. I hope you get an apology and that the frienship can be salvaged, but my advice is also not to settle.

[Latchkey]

qcdlvl,

Thanks for your insight and I am really sorry to hear about your friend and not RSVPing and then completely flaking out. I just don't understand this kind of stuff and it is so hurtful to not show courtesy. Yes, dropping the rope is all you can do.

I don't throw lots of parties and my first wedding 23 years ago my friend was invited. My second one was family only. She went to whatever baby shower I had. That's about it for me being hostess. It may be due to growing up with PDs all around but I'm not much of a willing hostess of other than my immediate family - it puts me on edge. This friend invited me to her D's 16th, HS graduation and my friend's college graduation which she completed in her 40's. All wonderful smallish events. I also went to her D's baby shower and took a ton of photos and shared them and bonded with the to be MIL while my friend and her friends and family all kept to themselves mostly. That's fine, but I'm sure that is why I was invited to the wedding at all - not because my friend put me on the B list but because her D and future MIL moved me to the A list.

I'll see how next couple months go and see what I can stomach.

[qcdlvl]

I'm glad at least the D and MIL value your company.
I don't throw lots of parties, either, and can relate to the anxiety you mention.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Latchkey,

I think that one of the things that happens as we age is that we outgrow some of our friendships. The grief is real. For sure.

You were there for her when others were not. That says volumes about who YOU are.

Her antics and comments about you, that says a lot about who she is. Some women seem to want to keep up appearances as they age and some of us find that the 2nd half of life feels like a good time to give up the bs and live more for real. It sounds like you hoped she would choose the latter, and see you for who you are to her, someone who cared when others didn't, and someone solid, for her to be real with.

It hurts like hell but it's better to see things as they are and assess whether you like the way she has categorized you . It really is up to her to take some time and step back and realize who you are to her and what sort of friendship you offer and whether she values that or not. It's not on you to make her see what her choices add up to these days.

We do outgrow people and it sucks to grieve that loss. There are hallmark cards for all sorts of other loss but I sure wish the "I'm sorry your girlfriend from the 1990s doesn't value your friendship anymore" card section existed. I'd buy a few for myself,  and others.

You're doing a good job seeing what the reality of the situation seems to be.

[Latchkey]

We do outgrow people and it sucks to grieve that loss. There are hallmark cards for all sorts of other loss but I sure wish the "I'm sorry your girlfriend from the 1990s doesn't value your friendship anymore" card section existed. I'd buy a few for myself,  and others.

This! 

[StayWithMe]

I let my friend know via text and am happy about it but then same friend says she didn't think I was on the first round list. That she wished there hadn't been a second list blah blah  like she was suprised as well...

Which friend is this?

[Latchkey]

That was all the same friend that I've been discussing. Sorry if that was unclear. When I got the invitation to her D's wedding I was excited and happy but then she basically made me feel worse because she seemed to have no clue why I was invited. Really weird and yes, she communicated a sentiment about wishing there was not a round 2 list in the same series of texts so it looks odd and it was.