WOW...a BIG BLOW UP!!!!

[sarandro]

So, further to my last post about asking my husband for help.

He has just stormed in the room after being outside fixing a motorbike.
Apparently, he is having difficulty getting a part off it.
Comes in shouting about how cold it is outside and how hard it is...this for 5 minutes.
I say nothing....
He then starts shouting at me that I am being ignorant.
I stupidly say..
But I thought I was invisible?
I should have just said nothing.

WHAAAAAAAT, he shouts, what now, you are always making it about you...you are pathetic...what haven't I done now?
I washed up, made a cup of tea and now you're all mad at me...I can't win!!

'Why don't you go upstairs away from my sight'
I said....'I would, but it still stinks of dog pee' (see other post)
Called me lazy for not cleaning it all up (he caused it!!!)
Verbal abuse for over 10 mins....slams back out of the door!!!

Now this morning I asked him to help me with something and he dismissed it as unimportant and clearly wasn't listening when I asked.

I now can't even mention my plea for help as he is too caught up in his own (self made) drama.

His rant is all about projection, I can see that.

All the things he says I am are really the way he thinks about himself.

So now, I can't unsee this.

Before he left the room, he said, so we are having one of these fights...I like that cos I can get things said!!!!!

So, he really likes this level of angst all the time

[NumbLotus]

SMDH

Yeah, I definitely know how it is to say one minor thing and KABOOM. And it's absurd because you get all the abuse but it was him who should feel bad. Him that is acting bad, not pulling his weight, being cruel and selfish and lazy.

Can you imagine YOU stomping around and bitching about how cold it is and you can never catch a break and and and and - while you leave pee for him to clean and purposefully ignore helping him with something you could easily do in 10 minutes that is a matter of his livelihood?

And then blow your entire stack if he reminded you that he EXISTED?

Can you imagine?

[sarandro]

I'm trying to imagine that scenario right now!!!

I think he would tell me to leave.

It is totally unacceptable to talk to ANYONE like that, especially someone he says he loves!

Why do I put up with it??

Maybe I don't want to be alone....but I AM alone already aren't I??/

[NumbLotus]

You are worse than alone.

In the last couple of years, a phrase that has popped up in my head is "TWO can be the loneliest number."

I'm not sure why I'm staying either. I've been kind of cranky about it lately. H has been "good" but it feels like, is this really "good"? I have to settle for this?

[sarandro]

I am worse than alone! WOW! That's right!

Sounds like you get where I am...sorry you feel this way too.

What's to be done?

If this was a friend's story, I would urge her to leave if she could.

It is a very miserable existence in a supposedly loving relationship.

I would go if I could, but it is my lovely little cottage and garden (only rented) that I would miss...not him.
If I left, I could not find this again. (I can't afford to go solo either, due to my health, I can't find work)
If I left, it would go to rack and ruin.

I am staying put, so I will just have to be calm and accept his behaviours without getting myself upset.

It's no way to live though, is it?

[NumbLotus]

If I were my friend, I'd be telling me to leave too.

Knowing that I also am not (currently) leaving, may I ask you a few questions? You don't have to answer them, but maybe something will trigger some thoughts. Again, this is coming from someone also stuck.

- I don't know what age bracket you are in, have your retired? If not, will you as a couple be able to retire when you get to that age?

- What would happen if he were to suddenly die and leave you alone? How would you manage financially? Physically? Emotionally? Is there a life insurance policy?

- What would happen if he developed a long term illness? Cancer, dementia, etc.?

- Could you qualify for disability?

- If you lost his financial contribution, would it be partly offset by not soending on him if he is impulsive, selfish, wasteful? Would you, if you were able to control your own life and geal emotionally, be able to budget better?

- Can you (reasonably) count on his future financial contributions?

Many of these questions apply to me. I am going to have a significant reduction in income in 3 years. Usually I plan for stuff and get my ducks in a row but I feel like I have no control. Part of me thinks I need H around to weather this with me.

But otoh I can't even be sure he'd be employed in 3 years, and I seriously doubt he could increase his employment to make up the shortfall. I'm facing trouble whether I stay or go. I have to sit down and do the math and figure out whether I'd be better off jettisonning him now. Sounds super super cold. It wouldn't even cross my mind if he were my sweetie. If I could go to him and tell him my worry and he'd say "it's okay, we'll figure it out together, you can count on me and I know I can count on you." Rather than whatever BS I'll get.

The stress leads to a loss of control in many ways. I don't have a budget - why bother? I'm Miss Budget Queen but I'm utterly defeated. But if it were just me and DD, I could set a budget and my efforts would count. Not me going without even socks while he drinks away the money anyway. But if I go without, I get the rewards! If I make a plan and follow it, it will happen!

[sarandro]

Good questions, Numb Lotus.

At the moment we are both unemployed, so him leaving/getting ill/dying would not make any difference to me financially.
We have no insurance and live off (my) savings and a little benefits.
I am nearly 60 and don't qualify for disability.

I would probably be better off!!!

He has told me that if he became infirm in any way, that I should help him to die...the worst thing he can imagine is to have to go to a nursing home or be stuck in a wheelchair.
I can't imagine how much more horrible he would be if he was in a wheelchair.

I always try make sure we live within our means...I am very good a making do...meal planning...saving money by growing my own veg etc
None of this is acknowledged or respected.

I don't ask for much for myself....I buy goodwill clothes and shoes...haven't had my hair done in 4 years...or gone out to eat or even had a takeout so I didn't have to cook.

Putting up with the bare minimum of input from him is insulting to me.
Telling me I am lazy and pathetic too.

He's just come back in and seems to have got a blister....lots of howling for my benefit.
'Where's the First Aid kit...look at this...I'm hurt...don't you care??'

Like a little child...a very very spoilt and entitled little child.

I too am STUCK!

[NumbLotus]

How could his death/leaving or illness/disability not have an impact financially?

If he just dropped dead tonight (cheapest way possible), you'd have final arrangements to do. And after that, your savings suddenly has only one mouth to feed.

If he gets ill and you're uninsured, you will be destitute. My own mother is draining her savings away on my dad's assisted living, as she prays to come up on the Medicaid wait list.

Oh, you've been assigned to "do something" to ensure he'll never be in a nursing home? You know how absurd this is, right? I can walk you through all the layers but it won't be pretty. Because there is a lot tied up in that.

At least MY h has made his OWN suicide plans instead of dumping them on me.

Those life altering scenarios will affect you financially. And me. I know they will have an effect but I need to figure out what, exactly.

I plan to look at my own numbers but I'm struggling to do the most basic things so here I am. Nowhere.

[NumbLotus]

If I were Sisyphus, rolling my rock uphill

I would be at the point where I just stopped rolling. I'm standing here with my back to it, trying to keep it from going downhill. It lurches sometimes. My back aches. I just stand, not even trying to go up anymore.

There is a crest up there, though. Dunno quite how far it is, but it's there. If I get it up there, it will get to a flat place. Maybe a little downhill. I could roll my boulder again. I'd be tired but my boulder would move.

I don't know if I have the strength to get it up to the crest, though.

And you, sarandro? Your H is pushing that boulder back down on you. He's actually using energy trying to push it down on you.

[GettingOOTF]

I think the thought that if it were a friend we’d tell them to leave is common among those of us in abusive relationships. There had been a lot written about why women say and a lot more eloquently than I could. It’s a complex issue but ultimately it boils down to our fear of being alone.

I used to think I needed my ex to do so many things. I used to worry about how I’d cope financially. I saw nothing but roadblocks to my leaving.

My ex would also refuse to help me the way yours does. It was a different situation in that I didn’t have your physical limitations but if I tried to do it myself there would be massive blowups so I wouldn’t try. I developed a lot of learned helplessness from my upbringing and my abusive marriage.

I am still shocked when I do things for myself now. I am able to do so much and it’s so much easier to get help from people for the things I can’t.  Even when things are hard they are manageable because they aren’t accompanied by all the drama that comes with the abuse like the putdowns, the screaming and the physical intimidation.

Your husband slept in a bed soaked in dog urine. Your husband allowed the bed to become soaked in dog urine. Your husband refused to clean up the dog urine on the marital bed. If you were on your own you would likely have cleaned this up as soon as it happened or as soon as you noticed. It would have been an annoying accident that happens to us pet owners. Instead it’s become an indictment against you worth as a person and it will be the cornerstone of future abuse. This is the difference between living with an abuser and leaving. Only the abused can decide what is best for them.

It’s sad that we put up with so much more than we’d want for our friends.

For me what I got to keep by remaining in the marriage became no longer worth the price.

[NumbLotus]

Sarandro, in many ways I am living with dog pee in the bed that I would have immediately and somewhat cheerfully cleaned up if I were alone but is tied to all sorts of weird other prices in this relationship.

[sarandro]

I think this dog pee incident is symbolic of our relationship.

I make things nice (not spending any money doing things either) and he seems to deliberately making things bad again.
It seems I am always cleaning up his messes.

I have this afternoon, got the stinking (new) bedding off the bed and discovered that the pee in the mattress is being soaked up by one of MY personal bath towels!!!!
We really need a new mattress, but I am thinking that I don't want to invest money we don't have on a mattress for two, if you know what I mean?

We are already pretty near destitute, having no actual income, having to borrow off dear sons.
I am having to sell off stuff on EBay, just to buy groceries.

Things are desperate now and no sign of things changing soon.

I'm going to have to find a way to get him to leave, or leave myself...this can't go on!

[Medowynd]

I would start looking for low income housing in your area.  Can you get food stamps or disability?  All of this I would do in your name only.  Let husband take the dog and find his own place to live.

[1footouttadefog]

Maybe you could contact a women's shelter for advise. Perhaps the social workers could help you find lodging and help.

[GettingOOTF]

Maybe you could contact a women's shelter for advise. Perhaps the social workers could help you find lodging and help.

I was going to suggest this. At the very least they will be able to validate your experience.

You are in a bad situation. I'm worried about you going up in to the attic. And the urine is also very worrying. You are in a very vulnerable position right now and I think the extra support will help you regardless of what you decide.

[NumbLotus]

Given what he said, I think he basically admitted it was him and he just half heartedly deflected onto the dog.

I'd like to point out that even if he was unconscious at the time he pissed himself, je would know damn well it was him when he woke up. If the dog pissed the bed, there would be a spot maybe near his legs or something.

If he pissed it, his underwear and pants would be soaked and the pee would be in that location.

The fact that he admitted, half heartedly, that it might've been him - it was him. And he knew it.

And he left his wife to clean up his urine.

And he doesn't think maybe he needs to quit drinking.

And he's not ashamed of either one.

[sarandro]

It's like I'm in some kind of nightmare!
What kind of person does that??

What on Earth would I say to  Women's Shelter...I have not been physically abused, I would feel like I was taking resources away from someone who had been hurt
I feel I should be able to make things better myself if I try not to engage with him.

What I would like to do (need to do) is to go away somewhere for a couple of nights, but...
It can't be Mother's as I am NC since last year.
I have no siblings to go to because of NC and no friends to speak of.

Ha...AND no money to pay for even one night at a hotel!

Feeling lost and very sorry for myself...can't sleep...keep crying.

Tomorrow I will probably feel different...I hope so.

[GettingOOTF]

What your husband is doing is abuse. The resources are there for women exactly like you (and me). This is why I think it will really help you to call. You can hear it first hand. There really are so many resources out there.

I’ve said it here on many posts before that one of my biggest regrets is not reaching out earlier. I thought I was alone and there was nothing that could be done. Once I got out and rebuilt my life I started telling my story. I was shocked at how many people had been through what I’d been through and would have helped. Honestly, women you’d least expect.

You won’t be able to make things better with him. It’s not what he wants. You’ve tried to make things better with your budgeting, the love and care you put in to the bedroom that he literally pissed all over, your business and so many other things that I don’t know about. You have SO MUCH to give. To yourself and others. I hope you can see this.

[NumbLotus]

I feel I should be able to make things better myself if I try not to engage with him.

What's wrong with this picture?

[GettingOOTF]

When I was married our apartment burned down. We lost everything, including our pets.

The Red Cross sent a disaster relief person who offered us all kinds of help like coupons for a hotel, toiletries etc. There had just been a big hurricane in FL. I remember standing on the sidewalk covered in soot and saying “oh no we could never accept this when so many people in FL are in need”.

We were homeless and had nothing but the clothes we were wearing - which had to be thrown it as they were ruined, and I thought I wasn’t deserving or in enough need for the help that was offered.

I look back and see that I was in shock, totally overwhelmed and had completely shut down.

The best part of this story was that my BPdxH’s friend came over with clothes and underwear he’d bought for my ex. He had nothing for me. When I told my ex how upset I was he called me selfish and ungrateful. So yeah.

Anyway, the help and resources are there for you. And you need and deserve them as much as anyone else. You are worthy.