change of heart is smothering

[not broken]

Has anyone had their npd/bpd spouse admit to being emotionally and/or verbally abusive, only to go to extreme lengths to be attentive and now emotive and express feelings, guilt and remorse?  I find it to have become like nails on a chalkboard for me. I have been struggling to understand if it is just my resentment of almost 20 years of blame, shame, financial abuse and devaluing (more so and frequently in last 5-7 years) or if it just hoovering because he sensed that I was detaching.  I wonder if I am just so incredibly hyper vigilante and see red flags in everything he does, or if I have just learned to see things quickly for what they are.

I feel like when I assert boundaries, his feelings are hurt and now instead of lashing out aggressively, he talks about how much he is hurting, misses me, misses his wife and that he just loves me so much and is ready to be the husband I deserve.  He says he is remorseful and will never forgive himself for the way he has treated me, and no matter what happens with us he will never treat me "unloving' again.  He also continues to express his injury, hurt, pain because I am not affectionate and have built up walls.  He claims weekly that I ignore him, am verbally aggressive towards him, don't want his advice or to hear what he has to say, etc.

I find this manipulative and playing the victim, and am starting to feel indifferent to the drama. How do you know the difference of hitting your wall and realizing you just don't feel the same (because you have been serving their needs for so long and it seems to still be that way) and setting a boundary of space to work through recovery?  Especially when he has not been officially diagnosed, so I am second guessing whether or not I am giving him a fair chance of making changes.  Then I say to myself- if he is pushing me for what he needs, and it has only been 6-8 months of him making any changes, it's just a longer cycle than before....and once he feels secure again with our relationship, bam!, it will go back to the cycle. It is mind boggling.

[notrightinthehead]

I agree with you. It is very difficult to let your guard down and trust again. As he has done it once, how can you be sure that he will not do it again? He has lost your trust. Now he has to work to regain it.  And since he is talking about his hurt, his pain, his needs, his ... it seems to be all about him. So what is the change?

[20yrsofcrazy]

Not broken,

I can so totally relate to your post. 

I struggle with those exact questions:  Am I the "bad guy" now because I don't fall head-over-heels for the seeming changed man in front of me?  When he first started to "change," it was virtually cold-turkey.  So much so that even my kids were like,  "who are you?"  They even said it to his face (they were 10 and 15 at the time).

He blanket apologized for everything he'd ever done to make me feel bad, although when I brought up specific things,  he didn't recall any of them.   

He even went so far to say he felt that he was the abused one now.  We had flipped roles apparently.   All of this because I said I needed time and space to work on me and process my pain.   

This was 3 years ago after a major fracture in our marriage.   

I don't have any advice,  but just wanted to say I feel your pain and confusion over them suddenly being "all better" and expecting to be treated as if nothing was ever wrong or at least be forgiven on their time table. 

It's so hard to know when/if change is permanent and can be counted on.   I have seen many cracks in the veneer so I don't fully buy it.  Try to take advantage of the "peace" to secure your own self esteem and boundaries so you can be prepared for when/ if abusive behaviors resurface.   

Hugs!!

[notrightinthehead]

Here are two links that might help you decide if the change is real

http://www.ivsha.org/get-help-with-abuse/domestic-violence/assess-abusers-claims-change/

respectphoneline.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/Can-an-abuser-change.pdf

[capybara]

That sounds really confusing and difficult. In my case, I do think that uBPDH is changing for real this time, and some reasons are:

1. Most important - he is doing therapy on his own that seems like intense, difficult work for him.
2. He is really listening to me, even things he doesn't like.
3. He is accepting that I have my own feelings and not blaming me.
4. He apologized to the kids (and me) for specific things he did.
5. Before I felt like he was just holding his anger back; now I feel like he is truly less angry.
6. The kids have noticed a difference and are less stressed.

To be honest, I don't see those things in what you have described. It sounds like he is trying to control you in a softer way, and keep it all about him.

[not broken]

All very good advice here, thank you.  I do have the first link notrightinthehead, and the second you have listed is really good, I appreciate your sending it.

I believe that I struggle with guilt but for what, I am not exactly sure. I think I have an overwhelming empathy to his childish behaviors.  Maybe I fear what will happen to him or within him, because I think his mask is cracking, and the ramifications of his controlling and abusive ways are at his doorstep on many levels.  Maybe I feel guilty because I would be inflicting pain to him?  I honestly see his confusion about topics when we talk about his actions. His shock when I explained how his pressuring me to allow him to show me how much he wants to love me or take care of me and our family, even when I am explicit in needing space and why, creates a great deal of sadness for me. 

Have you ever had that moment when you felt the overwhelming responsibility for their happiness or state- like it was served up on a platter right in front of you?   Like you could literally see it in the room?  And you articulate how you feel like they still are asking you to give, over and over again and the hyper focused attention on you accepting the affection or receiving their kindness is just another guilt blanket layer?  And their response of, "but if you would just give me an inch, you would see how happy I can make you and how much I really have changed already".....is like a 2x4 to the face.   

[Rose1]

The only way to see if there has been a genuine change is to look at actions, not words. And actions can take a long time to be proven. Each person is different but if a pd wants something bad enough the mask can hold. in Others not so much.

I would think a genuine effort would include feeling your pain and allowing you time to heal.

Pushing  to forgive and forget too quickly shows that he hasnt really understood the problem. Unless they understand that they are likely to repeat it.

More worrying and this was the big thing for me (apart from the fact that ex got angry very quickly if I didn't immediately cave) was the certainty in my gut that I would pay big time for my "actions" if I ever took him back.

In hindsight I think he didn't really want to lose his foot loose and no responsibility life style and just made the attempt to stop his parents from nagging him. That way he could blame me. Imo at the time a genuine effort would have included paying up on child support. That never happened.

Time can reveal a lot

[bohemian butterfly]

not broken,

I get this and I am so sorry that you are having to go through this and dig through the muck of PD world.

One of the hardest things for me is that I tend to forget the bad.  If someone has been rude to me 9 times, yet acts nice and sweet to me once, I forgive and forget.  Now, this might sound like a kind, and loving person (I'd like to think that I am) but I am not being kind to the person that matters most...... me.

Behavior is developed and deeply ingrained.  If someone acts a certain way for 20 years, and suddenly does a 180........ I'd be surprised and I think I'd also be mad and frustrated (I mean I'd be thinking, after years of being treated like a doormat, NOW you see the light?!).  Unless they had a dear death experience in which God himself appeared and had a heart to heart chat with him, and/or they hit rock bottom and are actively in therapy, I'd be HIGHLY suspicious (and cautious).  But alas, this is easier said than done (because I am dealing with niceness right now myself and my brain is playing the "what if" game).

Your body, mind, soul and every fiber of your being is balking at his "niceness" because it is smothering and I feel manipulative.  He may or may not realize this, (that he is being manipulative) but he has to show you (over and over) that he has changed.  He can also not get mad at you for not trusting this "change"   As any addict in AA, NA knows, they have caused hurt and they cannot expect everyone to forgive and forget and trust easily.  He has a LOT of work to do.  Please do not feel bad about feeling smothered and mad and upset and unhappy (even when he's being "nice") YOU are behaving in a normal manner (highly suspicious of this "change")

[rubixcube]

Notbroken. I'm really sorry. I know how confusing, maddening, and lonely that feels. It's definitely a form of torture and I'm pretty sure it's emotional abuse. I bet we are being traumatized/re-traumatized by it if we're not protecting ourselves with good boundaries, assertiveness, and a healthy support network that validates our experiences.

notbroken and 20yrsofcrazy, you two have described my current feelings and experience with my narcissistic wife exactly. I"m convinced she's a covert/vulnerable narcissist and the behaviors are the same. I'm expected to just ride the wave up and never confront her about her behavior.

Those splits and changes in mood are like nails on the chalkboard for me too.

I'm reading a book about boundaries right now and in the part on making amends they talk about how action must be taken for real amends to be made. They need to recognize they hurt you and make up for it with real action. It also talks about how they may not know exactly how they hurt us and it's our responsibility to tell them if it seems they missed the point. If they respond and begin to make amends, great. If they instead blame shift, play the victim, or argue, then we should end the conversation.

True change would be evident. I am like bohemian butterfly too. I forget the bad pretty easily. Then I second guess myself, think it 'wasn't that bad', then blame myself. It's really easy to gaslight me. Really easy.

[StayWithMe]

For me when they change, I become frustrated wondering why they couldn't do that to begin with.  When I visit my mother now, she doesn't bark orders "to clean up: some imaginery mess somewhere or to clean up after others.  Why do /i have to go VLC to achieve that.

the other thing to be careful of in relationships of choice, they could be changing / agreeing with you because the end is already in sight to them.

[blunk]

I too often found that I would forget the bad. That is where keeping a journal helped me greatly. At first his rages were few and far between, with enough good times interspersed to make those memories fade. After a while it felt like the rages were coming on daily. I do want to warn, if you are planning to keep a journal, please be sure to hide it where your pwpd will not find it.

My bpdxh also wanted to be forgiven on his schedule.  When I tried to explain that I had been greatly hurt by his actions and needed time to decide if I would be able to forgive him (for something he had done multiple times), his response was something like...it's not that hard either you forgive me or you don't.

I continued to take my time, and eventually told him that if I was going to be able to forgive him, I would need him to promise me that he would not do the same thing again. He refused. His reasoning, if I promise, then when I do it again you'll hold my feet to the fire. It was then that I realized, if he doesn't believe that he can change....then why should I?