Mother in laws

[sunshine702]

This is a really basic question.  Something that most people figured out awhile ago but for me it is new.

The mother in law.  We now live by her and recently she is SUPER PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE with me. We moved into our new house and frankly she seems jealous although this has been the plan for years now.  I cooked chili - it was cold and a fun thing to do.  Literelly THE NEXT DAY she cooks chili.  We moved a rock to get the manufactured house to make the turn up the driveway so she tells the landscaper now a year later THAT THE ROCK NEEDS to go back. There is so much more the landscaper needs to do than the rock but ok.

Any suggestions of how to deal with this.  Mostly I ignore it to try to keep the peace but this is pretty open recently. Going to my partner is completely out of the question.  I will lose. Mom is number one I fall just behind. From time to time he sticks up for me but it is rare. And I come from a Narc mom who openly competes with me so I really want no part in it.
Basically none of these issues (rock and chili are the hill to die on but I don't want it to get worse and I don't want to inflame it either)

Ideas?  Sigh

[Cat of the Canals]

I feel like maybe there's some missing context here. With the details provided, I don't see the passive aggressiveness. (To be clear, I'm not saying it isn't there, but I can't see it with what you've given.)

[Rose1]

My ex updmil was in competition with me for her son's attention. I had no idea this was an issue for years.

Eventually I stopped doing her bidding. this didn't go well and resulted in a lot of behind my back bad mouthing and some face to face temper tantrums. However most of her stuff was delivered by my enabler fil.

Eventually I refused to play her games (by this time we were separated) and basically refused to be around her unless absolutely necessary. I don't think this stopped the slander but I only heard bits occasionally.

In hindsight I would have insisted on my house being my safe haven and visits would have been by exbpdh to his mother without me. They would not have been invited to mine. I'm not sure if that would have been honoured either by in-laws or ex. Most likely not since they refused to leave on a couple of occasions when I asked them to.

It's a no win actually. If I left the house they had nice time with son. If I didn't leave the house there would be rude comments and slander. Ex did not stick up for me.

It's a very difficult situation as you cannot control her behaviour, and she probably won't stay out of your lives.

Can I suggest you have a good think about what you are willing to tolerate, what you are not willing to tolerate and how you will deal with it as far as living your boundaries. I did get some improvement once I refused to do anything that was not politely requested. Some times it took her a few days before she got it but she was quite capable of being polite. It's a choice and stems imo from wanting attention and doing anything to get it. If she didn't get any from me she still got it from ex but it did make my life slightly more peaceful.

[bloomie]

sunshine702 - it seems like you may live on the same property or road - not asking if that is true, just mentioning that being actual neighbors ups the ante on this stuff.

What you describe, and maybe I am reading between the lines because I have experienced very similar behaviors from updsil and updmil, is what can feel like an attempted erosion of the little and big things that make you unique and the ways you express yourself. It is someone taking the simple pleasure and joy out of something by mimicking it or creating unwelcome drama around it.

Boundaries are the only thing I know to deescalate the impact these intrusions into your life have on you. An easy example: How does she know you cooked chili and how do you know she did the next day? Is it possible things are a little too close for anyone's comfort and less contact would help?

The other bit I am thinking about is, to be fair, most of our partners don't care who cooks chili when, just that there is some in their bowl.  And the rock... another way to look at it is she took care of it and now you don't have to. I am thinking it is the subtext around the rock and that it should've already been taken care of by you that you may be responding to?

One thing that has helped me A LOT is refusing to respond to subtext. I only respond to direct communication and take it at face value even if I know in my knower that there is another message there for me. That has helped with the PA part of this. It takes practice, but you will get there should you decide to move in this direction yourself.

I found that a rivalrous mil or sil couldn't mimic what they didn't see or know about. They couldn't undermine if they were moved out to a level of contact that was appropriate given their bubble bursting ways.

Putting mil on an information diet to the best of your ability may bring a bit of relief. Refusing to give mil any power over ruining your day is your superpower. There is nothing wrong with processing how needling it all can be, but then you let it go down the river of life and you move on with your happy life and don't forget to direct your energy to people and experiences that are life giving.

[sunshine702]

Yes this is excellent advice.  Thanks don't want to fight with her -and now that we have a house up the road and not under her (wing or thumb). Things seem a bit different. Oh no she is the road President trust me.  I need to set boundaries with dinner I think.  When we lived in an RV beside we HAD to cook there now I think there will be some sort of Sunday Meal ONLY.  We had been cooking and sharing big  meals (which made the second chili odd) but if we are more separate it is fine.  Yes that is how I deal with this sort of thing at Work — I know darn well you are trying to get me in trouble / point out a mistake but I just take the words at face value - you said XYZ I will do XYZ.  But yes information diet.  Which is interesting- so I did not go to "book club" yesterday.  I told her I was not feeling well .  Well today I get a full call about if I have Covid like the neighbor and sister Down the road... no secretly I just did not want to go.  I was exhausted socially. So yeah now big nosy family re checking things. -  never had that before

Thanks.

[moglow]

You could remove yourself as an information source maybe? Sounds like she may need to be on the need to know list, or at the least limit what you share. You don't have to invite or share details with her for your every day, and you certainly don't have to discuss your plans/lack of same. I'm sure when she's included you'll let her know. 

Learn to gray rock and medium chill the hell out of it, without being outright rude. Fishing expeditions are just that, so don't throw  bait or ask any questions to which you don't need answers. She saw a car in the driveway? Yes. You left early this morning/got home later than usual? Yes I did. What are you having for dinner? Haven't decided. What'd you have last night? Chili. Do you want leftovers, I can walk them over? Landscaper needs to move rock? Mmmmmmkay. It's cold out? Sure is, it's January, it'll likely be with us a while yet. Bland. Dull. Boring. Limited, that's where you'd live. She can make up whatever she wants from that, not your stuff.

[Cat of the Canals]

One thing that has helped me A LOT is refusing to respond to subtext. I only respond to direct communication and take it at face value even if I know in my knower that there is another message there for me.

This. Maybe it's petty, but something that can be kind of cathartic when you get that subtext tingle is making a big show of playing dumb. If you made chili and she knows it, and then she brings her own chili over like it's time for a MIL-DIL chili throwdown, chuckle and say, "How funny that we both made chili! I guess it must be in the air!" If she's trying to bother you with these attempts at one-upping you, the more unbothered you can play it, the better.

[sunshine702]

The landscaper is another BIG issue.  So she has a family member that does the grading and rock spreading.  She had some road she needed done and we had the yard. He took forever to come out and came in quite high on the bid and very wishy washy on the details.  "You and do it or you can do it right" kind of statements. Which I get but what can we cut if we HAD to.  So I felt FORCED to go with him. I got some other bids and one came in lower. I liked those people.  My mother in law told him that and he said he might be able to do it for a bit less.  Sigh ok.  She HAD to have extended family member..and my husband felt combining the jobs would be more cost efficient.  Well now it is exactly the figure in the beginning (the one ai had a lower bid for!!) and he was not able to get materials a bit less as was suggested and the work is fine but Meah just meah.  Is it stupendous no. Did we get any sort of family value no.  It is to the point that my husband will have to pay for the final Rock because I will not pay for any more.  I feel we are bing taken advantage of and it is pissing me off.  So petty.  We had to fall a tree and move a rock.a year and a half ago to get the house up the tiny road. My mother in law used her backhoe time with him to bring the tree up here and move the rock back.  Well he brought the wrong tree lol it was a different dead tree.  But the rock is back.  Lol and the darn tree was not even on her property it was two neighbors down in the natural land across.  With LOTS of other dead trees (thus the confunsion) and thus why I think it is silly passive aggressive. But the wrong tree makes me smile.

[Pepin]

I found that a rivalrous mil or sil couldn't mimic what they didn't see or know about. They couldn't undermine if they were moved out to a level of contact that was appropriate given their bubble bursting ways.

Putting mil on an information diet to the best of your ability may bring a bit of relief. Refusing to give mil any power over ruining your day is your superpower.

Yep.  100%. That and I often did things that CN MIL couldn't even do herself....therefore she had no way of competing with me.

One thing that has helped me A LOT is refusing to respond to subtext. I only respond to direct communication and take it at face value even if I know in my knower that there is another message there for me.

This. Maybe it's petty, but something that can be kind of cathartic when you get that subtext tingle is making a big show of playing dumb. If you made chili and she knows it, and then she brings her own chili over like it's time for a MIL-DIL chili throwdown, chuckle and say, "How funny that we both made chili! I guess it must be in the air!" If she's trying to bother you with these attempts at one-upping you, the more unbothered you can play it, the better.

This as well!  CN MIL was unable to let DH and I host meals on our terms....she just always had to be involved yet when she hosted, it was clear that we were not to be involved.  It took some time to realize that there was a pattern....because we'd have so much leftover food and it wasn't even stuff we cooked.  So after the meal when we were cleaning up, she'd be sent home with whatever didn't get eaten that she had brought.  Somehow she continued to think that her son (DH) even as a grown man, was unable to feed himself and that as his wife, I wasn't feeding him enough either.  Food was one of the ways she continuously tried to compete with me.  That and she would speak to DH in her native tongue in order to exclude me....I don't know their language and honestly never cared to learn.  Eh.  She's gone now so I don't have to worry about the language thing anymore. 

[SeaBreeze]

I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. The dynamic with your MIL reminds me very much of the one I had with my uPD ex-MIL from my first marriage to golden child Ex-uNPDh #1. Right down to being neighbors in an isolated  rural setting. I remember how it felt when ex-H would come home from work and go to his mother's house first, before coming home to me where I'd been caring for a toddler and infant all day with no car other than rides from then-FIL.

 I was also either being roped into family gossip and drama, or the topic of it, depending on which of ex-MIL's children or in-laws was dethroned and placed in the hot seat that week. Ex-MIL was one of a few reasons I eventually left that marriage. (Two other former in-laws cite ex-MIL as well for why they left the family, so it definitely wasn't just me!) I left, fled, escaped over two decades ago; in hindsight, I think boundaries paired with medium chill and/or grey rock would have served me well and made things easier until I was able to leave. (That, and my own car!)

I saw in your other post that you've realized, as many of us here have, that normal relationship self-help books don't work. My suggestion is read up on boundaries, starting with the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It was first published a few years before my first marriage, and how I wish I'd read it back then!

[sunshine702]

Boundaries are where things seem to get really ugly though.  When I dared to get other bids when "her guy" was frankly kinda Meah and expensive and deeply uncommunicative.   No I don't want to dinner with her right now — I'm very sick.  Why mom is so smart ordering all these pavers.  Everything she does he wants to do too.  Everything.

I want to be sometimes first or at least not gone around! I said wait on the road rock and they just went and did it anyway the very next day.  This really upsets me.  Frankly it makes me into a jealous mess when last second swim meet that she told him about is now the social event of the year!!  There was a moment when golden grandchild came up and it was around Christmas so we made some cookies.  My partner complimented me on that and REALLY liked that - I read it as I am ok if I am of service to Golden one.   Nothing about my enjoyment of Christmas..  But talking to him or asking politely or explaining this is very much not the way to do it.  It will be a days long fight.  Yeah focusing on me is really helpful.  I sometimes look at apartments in the city my other job is in.  It is just a mental window. 

[Just Kathy]

Hello, and welcome to the sisterhood. I also have a somewhat 'challenging' mother-in-law, so it seems we're in good company! I'm laughing out loud!

A couple of aspects stood out to me. Firstly, you mentioned that your OWN mother seemed to be in competition with you, which I can deeply resonate with. Essentially, it seems you were acquainted with what I refer to as the "Cluster B playbook" from quite a young age. Because of your experience, you can sense narcissistic competitive energy a mile away.  it's crucial, if you haven't already, to learn to trust your instincts.  Therefore, when you share your belief that your mother-in-law is competing with you, you've clearly tuned into her underlying vibe.

Your insight into the situation is spot on—if this woman has a personality disorder, it's very likely she has conditioned her offspring to enable, protect, and shield her from the repercussions of her negative actions and behaviors.

The maddening part of our relationship is my husband often resorts to gaslighting and criticizes me harshly for my rational and healthy responses to the toxic and dysfunctional behaviors exhibited by his family.

He expresses discontent with my adverse reactions towards his family. In response, I clarify that the problem lies not with his toxic family but with his denial, enabling, and efforts to gaslight me—these are the issues that truly concern me.

After sitting down and thinking about your situation and mine, I thought up some points:

First and foremost, it's important to remember that you can't control others; you only have control over your own actions and responses. Moreover, imitation is often considered the sincerest form of flattery. Imagine, one day, you decide to cook chili, unaware you're sparking a new trend among your friends or family. Just like that, without even trying, you become a trendsetter.  As a celebrity, you must learn to deal with your fan base, LOL!

Second, your MIL doesn't violate your boundaries- she's a 'rapist,' LOL!  I get that.  To get a sense of how harmful my MIL's behavior is, take a look at my post about her. Just one afternoon, my mother-in-law ruined a precious tree that her son-in-law had gone through a lot of trouble and expense to bring over. The tree was there, not causing trouble or bothering anyone, just existing peacefully. Yet, my mother-in-law believed she had superior knowledge and decided to take matters into her own hands, which led to this tree's demise. 

One lesson I've taken away from this experience is that people with personality disorders possess a kind of demonic talent for identifying weaknesses and the things we hold dear. They use this demonic ability to harm others.  I would advise you never to tell your MIL anything personal about you or your life.

From now on, you must familiarize yourself with this website's resources.

My interaction with my spouse's family has been minimal. When I need to engage with them, I employ a Medium Chill strategy to keep things neutral. Regarding my mother-in-law, I utilize two powerful tools that undermine personality disorders: my silence and my absence.

I harbor a lot of resentment towards my spouse and their family. My approach to dealing with this is to learn to release my anger and refrain from harboring hatred towards them. The reason?

These negative emotions end up causing me more pain and suffering than they cause them. I'm not at the stage where I'm asking for blessings for them, but I'm working towards a state of indifference.

Indifference means that whether they win a billion dollars in the lottery or spend their lives in prison, it makes no difference to me—I simply don't care.

Instead, I hope to invest my energies in myself and my relationship with my husband. Maybe you should, too?

[sunshine702]

I know that I can't win but I have her number at this point.

She's hoarding trash.  She makes her little phone calls to get everyone to do her stuff.  Going back into the trash for broken wires and a scrap of twisted rebar (when we have hundreds more rods is pathological.  Bringing broken plastic pipe to the sister's is really crazy!

My partner gave me SO much static when me moved over my stuff.  It was hard but I paired down.  But she is trying to save broken plastic buckets.  I find versions of this everywhere.

Something changed in me when she sneered "Well J.  That's not how the relationship started."  When I was discussing marriage. And "Marriage is for having children". No it's not.    I have been tip toeing with her but now I am pissed.  I don't want to play nice anymore.

I want to Call and pay the junk hauler to come at 7 am with a dumpster and haul 90 percent of it away. Or dump it all in HER backyard.  Evil thoughts. 
But I will at least call him for one more load.  She doesn't even know what the heck it all is any of if it works she just knows wants to keep it. Sure M those battery's left outside in the snow and heat for 10 years I am sure those work great. Let's hang on to those.  Let's never put anything in a trash can.

Indifference is my new trying. Something really snapped in me. 

I promise not to snarl for the sake of my threadbare relationship.  But things changed in me

[sunshine702]

So there was a party last night with all of the women from her family.  Book wine club.  I made it through.  And it went well people had fun and my guy got to show off his cooking. He likes that.  The last two family gatherings has me thinking about SUPPLY. For this woman it is (((the boy grandkid))) and her (((travel van for traveling with other grandkid)).  I realized at the birthday party we were acceptable because we were playing kites with (((golden grandchild))) I see it clear as day now.  When her family was wowing over my guy's cooking or his hobby modeling everything was ok but when they were looking at pictures of our dogs clearly displayed or me telling a story about my dog rescue work I used to do her face was clearly miffed.  This is MY HOUSE TOO.  I figured out She doesn't LIKE that. Emotional incest.  She wants S to herself.  That is why the chili and that's why the nasty comment about marriage.  Yep - information diet.
And I am not asking about if she needs anything anymore.   

Oh and she handed me a bill for the rock again that I wanted to wait an hour before the party.  Of course.  There is a part of me wanting to pay the bill minus the $300 we spent on HER junk hauling but whatever.  We will pay it little by little.  the bill was minus a pizza she bought I guess and plus  two bottles of wine I picked up for her at Costco.  That part seemed a REALLY petty but ok.

But her family was entertained so in the end she told me good job and he junk clearing narc injury seemed passed.  She is more interested right now in being miffed about her sister's daughter down the street and her divorce and house sale.  This woman is CONTROLLING.  She is upset about WHO a new owner used to drill their well - lol

Queen of our street. Eyeroll

You know I asked her about if she knew where she would be traveling with grandkid.  She did - kid picked it out- but she made it seem like it was a secret. Lol