Getting worse - doing some really strange things

[tob-ler-one]

He tried again this weekend to get me to phone them to complain because "hes paid his taxes all his life". Still nope.

But he's the one with the complaint!

[p123]

He tried again this weekend to get me to phone them to complain because "hes paid his taxes all his life". Still nope.

But he's the one with the complaint!

Oh he won't do anything on his own. He likes to get others to do everything for him....

His main excuse - I can't hear on the phone to talk to people. Yes because you can't be bothered to sort you're hearing aid out.

[lkdrymom]

He tried again this weekend to get me to phone them to complain because "hes paid his taxes all his life". Still nope.

But he's the one with the complaint!

Oh he won't do anything on his own. He likes to get others to do everything for him....

His main excuse - I can't hear on the phone to talk to people. Yes because you can't be bothered to sort you're hearing aid out.

My father was the same way.  Made me call the bank because 'the guy' said there was a problem with his account.  I called and no one knew what he was talking about. He refused to believe me.  It is almost like they want there to be a problem so they have something to dither over.  I work full time so I have no free dithering time.

[p123]

He tried again this weekend to get me to phone them to complain because "hes paid his taxes all his life". Still nope.

But he's the one with the complaint!

Oh he won't do anything on his own. He likes to get others to do everything for him....

His main excuse - I can't hear on the phone to talk to people. Yes because you can't be bothered to sort you're hearing aid out.

My father was the same way.  Made me call the bank because 'the guy' said there was a problem with his account.  I called and no one knew what he was talking about. He refused to believe me.  It is almost like they want there to be a problem so they have something to dither over.  I work full time so I have no free dithering time.

Yeh exactly. Dad ALWAYS hassles me to phone the TV provider to get a discount because "hes a pensioner and cant afford it". My mistake I did this once and got a discount.

Now every few months he tries to get me to ring. Not I just say "They said no". Not got time to spend 30 mins on hold.

[Adrianna]

He tried again this weekend to get me to phone them to complain because "hes paid his taxes all his life". Still nope.

But he's the one with the complaint!

Oh he won't do anything on his own. He likes to get others to do everything for him....

His main excuse - I can't hear on the phone to talk to people. Yes because you can't be bothered to sort you're hearing aid out.

My father was the same way.  Made me call the bank because 'the guy' said there was a problem with his account.  I called and no one knew what he was talking about. He refused to believe me.  It is almost like they want there to be a problem so they have something to dither over.  I work full time so I have no free dithering time.

They enjoy watching us run in circles for them. It's narcissistic supply (attention.)  Once I remember my grandmother being upset she wasn't out of pills because she wanted me to go to the store for her. She kept insisting she needed them. I went to get the bottle and said see, you have plenty. She was pissed. She loved watching me (or anyone) do things for her. No respect for our time. Keep in mind I had already been out running errands that day. Didn't matter. It's all a sick game for attention. Looking back I can't believe how long I put up with it.

[_apparentlywicked]

Looking back I can't believe how long I put up with it.

Same Adrianna. Given so much of my time and attention. Never seen him do anything like that for me even as a child. He only did bare minimum and not even bare, never had appropriate uniform, PE kit etc. Yet I spent years taking him to appts for his numerous, vague aches and pains. Ah well. Guess it's because I'm a relatively normal person. At least I'm free now and never have to see or hear him again if I don't want to. And I don't 😁

❤️❤️

[p123]

Change of approach from Dad tonight. Last weekend I had "you're so good to me", "what would I do without you?".

This weekend its my birthday, and I'm out with friends. (Its wales last game in the rugby too). Some of my friends not seen for a year. Sunday then got plans with my family.

Of course Dad doesn't like this "So you've got time for your friends but not me". And even better "you're brothers had a week off work this week and hes been to see me THREE times". In other words, once again "I'm important and all you're free time belongs to me".

Ignored him completely. Said "ring you sunday then". Sick of it to be honest. If one thing doesn't work, he tries another. I don't think hes worked out that the guilt does not work any more. To be honest, it just makes me mad now and less likely to agree. I just think NO CHANCE NICE TRY.

In all honesty, I'd invite him out for a meal on sunday with my family but hes burnt those bridges in the past with his awful treatment of my family and the way he makes every occasion into a demonstration of how ill he is and making sure hes centre of attention.

[NumbLotus]

Time with Dad: 30 days in person, 100 days on phone

Time with mates: 1 day

You're a cruel bastard, p123 

[_apparentlywicked]

They really are quite thick. I don't manipulate people because I know how it makes people feel and it would make me feel bad about myself. Also if I treat people that abusively they will move away from me so I lose more than I was trying to gain. Ultimately I have to live in my head so I've worked out I have a better life if I'm gentle with people.

But in his head? None of this most basic insight. He'll manipulate and then get angry when it doesn't work. So he'll abuse you and then punish you for having the normal responses to abuse. That lack of insight is really something to behold. And I guess the 'living in your head' part is what he doesn't do. He's living in a fantasy where he is perfect and other people are stupid or nasty or both.

I know it sounds awful but last night I thought about karma. Dad's in care because he can't walk although mentally he's got all his marbles as far as dementia etc goes. So he can't do anything for himself but all he can do is think. He's probably got a few years left of this. Just sitting in a bed furious with the world but unable to make it better. And pushing people away. It's pretty much hell. Whereas you or I could make the best of it, build warm friendships with the carers, read, learn things, watch all the videos of cats on YouTube, none of that is available to him because it is below him. He has no hobbies. He's just sitting and judging and hating. It is a sorry sight.

[p123]

Time with Dad: 30 days in person, 100 days on phone

Time with mates: 1 day

You're a cruel bastard, p123 

Now you put it like that!

Trouble is Dad doesn't think like that. His attitude (and he says it) is "Hes old and needs my help so everyone needs to understand this". In other words, sort it out and don't let anything get in the way of you're duty.

He does this ALL THE TIME. Unless I can prove I've got NO free time then its got be spent on him in his eyes.... Done it a million times. Its as if he thinks he controls my time.

I've mentioned before the "10 mile exlclusion zone". I never admit to being within 10 miles of Dad house. He moans and moan that "I could have popped in". Thing is I would if wasn't such a PITA.

[lkdrymom]

Time with Dad: 30 days in person, 100 days on phone

Time with mates: 1 day

You're a cruel bastard, p123 

Now you put it like that!

Trouble is Dad doesn't think like that. His attitude (and he says it) is "Hes old and needs my help so everyone needs to understand this". In other words, sort it out and don't let anything get in the way of you're duty.

He does this ALL THE TIME. Unless I can prove I've got NO free time then its got be spent on him in his eyes.... Done it a million times. Its as if he thinks he controls my time.

I've mentioned before the "10 mile exlclusion zone". I never admit to being within 10 miles of Dad house. He moans and moan that "I could have popped in". Thing is I would if wasn't such a PITA.

I'd start keeping a journal on all the time you spend with him or dealing with him. Every phone call, every request.  So next time he says you have no time for him you can show him how much of your time he actually takes up.  Not that it would matter to him...but maybe for your own peace of mind that you are truly devoting time to him and his 'needs' even if he doesn't see it.

[NumbLotus]

It doesn't matter. Won't convince him. Sometimes I keep records of who is doing the dishes (he says I never do them, I do them every day, he does some once a week), but it doesn't matter one whit. PDs live in feelings, not facts.

Trouble is Dad doesn't think like that.

Absolutely right. He will never change. This is just for you, not him. For you to know you're not crazy or deficient. For you to stand up straighter and know your day out with the guys is normal and reasonable and you can feel 100% good about it and your father's weird feelings about it don't matter.

HAVE FUN.

[lkdrymom]

He tried again this weekend to get me to phone them to complain because "hes paid his taxes all his life". Still nope.

But he's the one with the complaint!

Oh he won't do anything on his own. He likes to get others to do everything for him....

His main excuse - I can't hear on the phone to talk to people. Yes because you can't be bothered to sort you're hearing aid out.

My father was the same way.  Made me call the bank because 'the guy' said there was a problem with his account.  I called and no one knew what he was talking about. He refused to believe me.  It is almost like they want there to be a problem so they have something to dither over.  I work full time so I have no free dithering time.

They enjoy watching us run in circles for them. It's narcissistic supply (attention.)  Once I remember my grandmother being upset she wasn't out of pills because she wanted me to go to the store for her. She kept insisting she needed them. I went to get the bottle and said see, you have plenty. She was pissed. She loved watching me (or anyone) do things for her. No respect for our time. Keep in mind I had already been out running errands that day. Didn't matter. It's all a sick game for attention. Looking back I can't believe how long I put up with it.

It is not worth anything to them unless you are greatly inconvenienced. I guess it is to show how much you love them?   I remember calling my father and telling him I would be stopping by and does he need anything from he store.  He answer was always "I'll tell you when you get here".  NO I want to stop at the store on my way there.  He'd rather I drive there, find parking, take the long walk to his apartment, dither with him over what he needs, walk back out to the car, find a store in an area I am not that familiar with, purchase goods, head back, find parking, take the long walk in.....only to have him ask if I got something that he didn't tell me to get....and seriously expect me to go back out again!

When I was in college I remember asking my father if he would return some rented movies for me as he has to drive right past the store on his way home from work. He was horribly offended that I would even ask  for such an inconvenient thing from him!  And look at him now. Maybe he should have done me that little favor.

[p123]

Yeh you might have seen the famous "wheelchair incident" with Dad.

I'd left it in my car accidentally after the weekend. Dad phoned - he wanted it back (he never used if before without me!) for Friday because his cousin was going to push him. Only time I had was Thursday lunchtime (30 mins drive each way). BUT I was on call, in the office at 4am that day. Mega busy. So I phoned him Thurs AM - do you  REALLY REALLY need that wheelchair today because I'm tired and very busy. YES I can't go out otherwise and I'll be stuck in the house.

So stupidly, I drove to deliver it at lunchtime. 90 mins. All I wanted to do was finish work and go home for a sleep. Phoned him Saturday. How did you're visit to x go? How did x (his cousin a few years younger) manage with the wheelchair? Dad - Oh, in the end I thought about it and didnt like to ask him to push me so I didnt need it after all!

Closest my head has ever come to exploding!!!

After that I knew that he tried to get me to do things just to prove that he could get me to do it.

[Maxtrem]

These all seem to be tactics to manipulate your ND. My uBPDM always threatened to commit suicide if I didn't go see her as long as she wanted to. Once her performance was so convincing that I sent the police to her home because I was worried. It embarrassed her that the police arrived home in a hurry, what would the neighbors think... Now she doesn't dare to threaten suicide any more! She uses other tactics like writing degrading things on the walls of her apartment and she calls me to tell me...  always behaving more and more strangely...

[p123]

These all seem to be tactics to manipulate your ND. My uBPDM always threatened to commit suicide if I didn't go see her as long as she wanted to. Once her performance was so convincing that I sent the police to her home because I was worried. It embarrassed her that the police arrived home in a hurry, what would the neighbors think... Now she doesn't dare to threaten suicide any more! She uses other tactics like writing degrading things on the walls of her apartment and she calls me to tell me...  always behaving more and more strangely...

Wow thats awful. Good on you for calling the police though like that.....

[Spring Butterfly]

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