Hospital AGAIN!

[p123]

Not done if for a while but here we go again....
I saw Dad last night - he was fine. Just a bit of a sore leg - hes pulled a muscle or something. Making the most of it he was as usual....

I could see it coming. Text just now from his cousin (worlds biggest Flying Monkey) he called the doctor and they told him to go to A&E at the hospital.
More like the doctor is sick of him calling (hes been warned before) and has palmed him off on the hospital.

Great. Hes going to expect me to rush over there. Nope. I'm in work at the moment, and wife is working late tonight so I've got the kids to look after. And theres nothing wrong with him really.

He'll prob wait 5-6 hours they'll put a bandage on his leg and send him home more than likely. The long wait might teach him not to cry wolf so often.....

Am I being unfair here? Its a damn sore leg thats all. He was fine last night.

[square]

You're not unfair, hon. Stay the course. He's fine. You've got a job to do and kids to look wfter. "I'll just have to manage" - he said it himself last night.

I swear to you if I was in A&E for a pulled leg muscle or whatever, I'm not sure I'd even bother to tell my nearest and dearest even as a minor conversational point, much less expect anybody to drop everything and come running.

[p123]

You're not unfair, hon. Stay the course. He's fine. You've got a job to do and kids to look wfter. "I'll just have to manage" - he said it himself last night.

I swear to you if I was in A&E for a pulled leg muscle or whatever, I'm not sure I'd even bother to tell my nearest and dearest even as a minor conversational point, much less expect anybody to drop everything and come running.

He does this time and time again. Hes been warned by the GP AND by the ambulance service about him calling them.

I was there last night and he was fine. Leg a little sore but thats about it. Of course, he doesn't take all the painkillers that the doc gives him (don't want to get addicted!) so that doesn't help. We even had a discussion that the GP probably could do nothing to help.

I know whats happened. Hes got up this morning and its a little stiff. Hes called the GP who've read his notes and thought "not him again" and told him to go to hospital to get rid of him. Hes called his cousin the FM, and said he needs to got to hospital and hes fallen for it like normal.

Of course then everyone has to drop everything because hes IN HOSPITAL. Can guarantee hes taken a bag with him because he wants to stay in. Most of the time they dont let him and he'll moan about that. Every time he just wants someone to fuss him and pay attention to him which he gets in hospital.

[square]

I bet the fact that his frantic efforts to reel you back in is a factor. He seems to like to test you over and over. If he likes the results he'll test again. If he doesn't like the results he amps up to see what it will take.

He is making his own bed. His GP, the ambulance service, his son. Just used you all up. Too bad. His choice to play games instead of being a sensible father, patient, citizen.

[p123]

I bet the fact that his frantic efforts to reel you back in is a factor. He seems to like to test you over and over. If he likes the results he'll test again. If he doesn't like the results he amps up to see what it will take.

He is making his own bed. His GP, the ambulance service, his son. Just used you all up. Too bad. His choice to play games instead of being a sensible father, patient, citizen.

Yes probably. He was put out that last weekend (holiday weekend) I didnt go see him so this is just an escalation....
I know he has banged his knee but hes got past history of taking something small and blowing it up. Caught him MANY times lying about being "short of breath" and "chest pains"

He wont listen to anyone. Its all black and white with him. Knee hurts, doctors job to fix, get on with it. No action needed from himself.
To say "Oh just rest it" just doesnt compute.

I've already had brothers wife text me to say "look don't worry I'm sure hes OK". But he knows this and loves it.
Apparently, the hospital are x-raying it. Its not broken - no-one walks around for 3 days then decides its broken. He'll be home later in a mood because they didnt keep him in. I aint phoning him. Hes so embarrassing...


Umm I saw him last night I'm not worried at all thanks.

[p123]

So tonight I've had texts from his cousin (Who took him to hospital) telling me how ill Dad is.
I've had fbook messages from brothers wife (she loves a bit of drama) telling me how shes going to call the hospital every hour, and she'll keep me updated (thought I'd blocked her of fbook mind so surprised to get that one). I burst outlaughing at one message telling me not to worry hes going to be OK - I know I saw him last night hes got a sore knee and thats it pretty much it!

Its like the circus has rolled into town to be honest. And Dad absolutely loves it.

Last update I got was hes going home. Basically, as  I knew all along, NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM AT ALL. Hes bumped his knee but basically thats it. Rest and painkillers. WHICH I TOLD HIM LAST NIGHT.

I turned my phone to airplane mode. Im so angry and I don't want a place at the circus. 12 missed calls. Dad is obviously annoyed I've not come to watch the circus.

Did I handle this correctly? I just was not in the mood to speak to him. All those medical peoples time wasted, hours and hours, all that drama for NOTHING.
I know I should ignore this but it upsets me so much. Probably 15th time hes done something like this. I don't know at what point they mark his record at the hospital as a timewaster?
I remember talking to him a year or so ago - the Senior doctor at his surgery had called him and pretty much told him to cut it out. Yet he still does the same!!!!

I really am at a loss as how to handle this. I'm going to phone him tomorrow and hes going to be off with me, making out I'm such a bad son for not even caring hes "IN HOSPITAL"

I feel really bad but tonight, I just thought - Jeez you're ready to go if this is what you've got planned as you get older.

[square]

I totally understand your upset. It's just ridiculous what he does to you and others for things he doesn't actually need. I'm sure you also wish you could enjoy a relationship with him, bit he's made it impossible.

You handled it perfectly. Maybe tomorrow you'll call and be super super MC with him. Let him eant about his near death experience and you can say "oh, that's too bad, Dad. Yeah, that's a shame." In a voice that is kind but absolutely not swept up in the drama, like you'd do to a two year old telling harmless tall tales.

See if you can keep that up when he starts shooting barbs at you. "Yeah it's too bad I couldn't be there. Yeah, just couldn't get away, a shame." ("You should have called!") "Yeah, had lots going on, got updates saying you were all right though."

I know it's tempting to go "I told you to take your meds" but it's betterto drop the rope there. He's had the advice. It's really fine if he doesn't take them, it really is. The problem is that he's trying to make his choice your problem.

I might not take pain meds, the difference is I won't complain people's ears off and call an ambulance and try to get people in a frenzy. I will just not take my meds and deal with it. I'll pull my socks up!!

Anyway, you did amazing, keep going.

Don't forget, the toolbox is not for him. It's for you. You can't change him. The gosl is for you to 1) not upend your and your family's life (YOU HAVE ACHIEVED THIS AFTER YEARS OF HATD WORK) and 2) not be as bothered by it all (you're working on this and have clearly made a lot of progress!).

Let us know how the call goes.

[square]

Oh, you know how your brother can blow things off? Consider using some of his tools. If you called him and asked him to go deal with Dad, what would he say? What tone of voice would he use? I would not imitate any toxic angry or manipulative responses but if he's good at just breezily saying "Nope. Can't." that could be a model for you.

Yes I know, imagine using your brother as a model!!

[p123]

I totally understand your upset. It's just ridiculous what he does to you and others for things he doesn't actually need. I'm sure you also wish you could enjoy a relationship with him, bit he's made it impossible.

You handled it perfectly. Maybe tomorrow you'll call and be super super MC with him. Let him eant about his near death experience and you can say "oh, that's too bad, Dad. Yeah, that's a shame." In a voice that is kind but absolutely not swept up in the drama, like you'd do to a two year old telling harmless tall tales.

See if you can keep that up when he starts shooting barbs at you. "Yeah it's too bad I couldn't be there. Yeah, just couldn't get away, a shame." ("You should have called!") "Yeah, had lots going on, got updates saying you were all right though."

I know it's tempting to go "I told you to take your meds" but it's betterto drop the rope there. He's had the advice. It's really fine if he doesn't take them, it really is. The problem is that he's trying to make his choice your problem.

I might not take pain meds, the difference is I won't complain people's ears off and call an ambulance and try to get people in a frenzy. I will just not take my meds and deal with it. I'll pull my socks up!!

Anyway, you did amazing, keep going.

Don't forget, the toolbox is not for him. It's for you. You can't change him. The gosl is for you to 1) not upend your and your family's life (YOU HAVE ACHIEVED THIS AFTER YEARS OF HATD WORK) and 2) not be as bothered by it all (you're working on this and have clearly made a lot of progress!).

Let us know how the call goes.

thanks square - yep at the moment I just want to shout and scream at him because of how selfish he is.

BUT as you and everyone says - hes never going to change. I do well at the moment, not jumping through his hoops but it does still wind me up WAY too much.

Not looking forward to the phone call - its going to be hard not reacting because he will be mega annoyed I didnt jump when he wanted.

[p123]

Oh, you know how your brother can blow things off? Consider using some of his tools. If you called him and asked him to go deal with Dad, what would he say? What tone of voice would he use? I would not imitate any toxic angry or manipulative responses but if he's good at just breezily saying "Nope. Can't." that could be a model for you.

Yes I know, imagine using your brother as a model!!

Oh he lies to Dad when it suits him then makes out hes a saint. But its always for things that are no hassle for him.

[p123]

Yeh the phone call. Hospital pretty much told him his arthritis was the problem apart from that NOTHING.

Hes in full "Im so ill" mode now. And "You'll have to visit me next day or two I cant manage".

In all honesty, wife works shifts so its very difficult. It'd be 11pm tonight only.  Wife is working away all weekend so I can't do then (and daughter and I were getting the train to meet her on Saturday). I'm just not happy to drag my 8 year old up there to be honest.

Should I just say no can do?

Tempted to offer 11pm tonight and see what he says.....

[Andeza]

Why the heck would you go? Just to listen to him moan some more? Does it benefit you in any way whatsoever?

[square]

11pm is a real hassle for you, not just him. I'd hate for him to accept it and in the future demand late night visits.

I think you should lean hard on the idea that the time may have come for whatever old age services you have there, including moving into an old folk's home. "If you can't manage, that's what will need to happen."

If he's out of food, it's delivery or old folk's home.

He's doing this to himself.

[Sneezy]

Why the heck would you go? Just to listen to him moan some more? Does it benefit you in any way whatsoever?

There is nothing you can do for your dad and Andeza is right, it doesn't benefit you in any way.  Stay home, p123.  And just turn your phone off (or block your dad's calls).

[Cat of the Canals]

Why the heck would you go? Just to listen to him moan some more? Does it benefit you in any way whatsoever?

Not only does it not benefit you, but it doesn't benefit your dad either, other than giving him an audience to piss and moan to.

Even if he were in a state of needing someone to come look after him, why does it have to be you? A nurse or some kind of professional caretaker would be SAFER and more convenient for everyone, but apparently that doesn't get dad the resources he so desperately wants, so his answer is no.

From now on, it might help to think of your dad's demands as the same as a toddler. If a toddler says, "I'M HUNGRY!" And you offer two healthy snack options, and they say, "NO, I WANT ICE CREAM!" Do you give in? Do you start reasoning that you're not going to give them ice cream now, but you'll offer it at 11PM? My guess would be no. Ice cream would be off the table for some time. And it's not about withholding what they want, but not reinforcing inappropriate and unreasonable demands.

[p123]

Well he phoned again yesterday "so when are you coming up?"
So we went through what exactly he needs help with. He can dress, cook, get to the bathroom.

All he cant do is make the bed! Are you serious - you want me to visit for that? No way.

One good thing to come out of this - Social Services are coming to see him on monday. Hopefully, he'll get some carers sorted.
I've read him the riot act on that one. Last time he had carers for a week then cancelled them and told Social Services he didnt need because his sons would look after him!!!!

[p123]

Yet still I get crap like this from the FMs

"Hi - just to let you know that your father is not well and in a lot of pain. I think he needs daily help as he is getting worse. They are assessing him at 1pm on Tues and I think somebody should be with him. I'll do what I can but I am very concerned about him."

I can't believe how easy it is to pull the wool over some peoples eyes... Its just crazy.

[square]

That text is a piece of work, good grief.

[moglow]

That last msg: "Really? That's odd. When I was there on x he said his knee was sore, but admitted he wasn't taking his meds for it. Im not sure that justifies a need for daily help, particularly considering he canceled the last ones after a week ..."

[p123]

Oh its got way worse. Heres another text:-
"Thanks. I think your father needs a bit of TLC(tender loving care) .Take care"