I think she needs more [Plot twist]

[moglow]

For backstory "I think she needs more ..." https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=93395.0 - md has established herself as shut in and homebound, "is having trouble getting around" and recently revealed to GC that she can't get to her car parked near her back door. If she can't get there, she surely cant get to her laundry machines in a shed a short distance from there - so how's she doing laundry? She's had groceries drop shipped [through one of her nieces] for some time even though there's a perfectly good store and farmers markets within a few miles of the house in either direction. GC has made a number of prescription pickups the past several months. Her needs seem to be mounting and she says not one word to anyone about it, just drops hints to GC that she'd like to have her house cleaned, or makes excuses why she can't go places.

Well. One of her prescription is expiring and she has to have in person doctor visit next week. They won't refill without it, although apparently she wheedled her way out of a previous visit or two. Medical professionals will lay eyes on her, assess her overall condition. Guess we get to see what help she does need or if she really is her own worst enemy and it's a sham. I can't help but believe her intentional inactivity and isolation has brought her down pretty low - my own experience with depression made it mighty hard at times to do anything more than basic care, so I get how that could come into play. But how much of this is mental or physical then one overriding the other, i have no idea.

BUT piece de resistance?! She's stressed to GC that she's *in a relationship* with her doctor(s). Like special relationship they're not just her doctors. I've always known that men hold a fascination for her, like she's still a 15 year old girl with hero worship because that certain cute boy smiled at her. [Yes, this is the histrionic part of her multi level PD] This isn't a new thing for her, I heard her stories about this or that doctor from way back that implied of course she's extra special to them. She gets all giddy and googly eyed leading up to and after her appointments [then why has she been avoiding them]. She was so upset when one retired years ago then basically celebrated when she'd heard his wife passed away - he was HERS finally. Well no, but he *could* be and that's the important thing. Yes, we tried to insert reality but no. We don't understand obviously, things are different "for them." It's nauseating to hear about, I can't imagine how uncomfortable in person for the doctors and staff. I'm sure all they see is that sweet little old lady whose family has abandoned her, they don't see behind the mask. It all goes back to appearances are everything and reality doesn't matter, but here we are.

So she HAS to get out of the house and someone HAS to check her out. She'll be anxious and nervous from being shut away inside so long, likely not her best self because she won't rest well leading up to it either AND have the stress of having to play the game in her mind. She'll probably show herself one way or the other, whether intentionally or not. We may get some answers without having to ask and be ignored or battered by her.

[moglow]

All that said, now I sit back and feel... Remote curiosity. Nothing so big as concern or small as indifference, but an unattached observer, unbiased by-sitter. This is new, really new for me, to feel this removed from something that may be a big deal and major disruption for her. I know my own limitation now after all my navel gazing, no  questions about either my obligations or her possible expectations.

See, during/following her big blowup last year, she threw at me that she'd had a checkup, Bp was high because of "all this crap" with YOU [me] and "you wouldn't like what he/doctor had to say!" I'd stated a few unpleasant home truths about her treatment of me. She's in denial because she's perfect in every way and owes no one an apology for it. She who must not be questioned or contradicted got both and she didn't like it. She then unloaded a dumpster of ancient resentments and disappointments she's been hauling around since I was a child. Random assumptions and drama she's still reliving in her mind all these decades later as if that's helping anyone. No resolution allowed, she likes her demons just where they are.

Back to that doctor visit though - he i'm sure had no idea that her overwhelming upset with me apparently really wasn't that bad, not for her. Fabricated tempest in a teacup. The day before her snotty accusations of me damaging her health and her bp dangerously high, she was sending cutesy valentines greetings to my brothers. So which is it - you're in danger of stroke over everything or you can still flip that switch at will depending on your audience?

[xredshoesx]

oh dear.  i have no words of advice but i'm sending strength. 

[Sneezy]

So which is it - you're in danger of stroke over everything or you can still flip that switch at will depending on your audience?

I think we all know which it is - your mom can still change her story at will depending on the audience.  As she gets older, it may get harder for her to keep her stories/audiences straight.  I've noticed that with my mom.  She will tell my sister one thing and me another and then get confused as to which one of us she told which story to.  I've also noticed that she tells her doctor a completely different story than what she tells me.  I used to be able to see all her medical records (she had me set up her patient portal with her doctor's office).  But mom has changed her password so I can no longer see it.  It was eye-opening, though.  She lies to her doctor just like she lies to everyone else.  It would sure be interesting for you if you could be a fly on the wall when your mom sees her doctor.

As far as having a "special" relationship with her doctor, that sounds just like my histrionic MIL.  She claimed to be so close to her doctor.  She even said he shared personal information about his life with her and trusted her advice, etc.  It was so over the top, it was ridiculous.  But that's how she always was.  Even when her dementia started getting bad, she claimed her doctor was going to fly in to see her and take her to a special clinic because she was his most cherished patient.  Of course, by then it was just sad to listen to.

It will certainly be interesting to see how things go with your mom.  I hope you get some answers.

[moglow]

Epiphany: It just hit me that the hero worship of her doctors/medical professionals makes perfect sense - when she with them their focus and sole topic of conversation is HER. She doesn't have to listen, pretend interest or acknowledge anything other than herself. For that 15min or whatever she gets, she's the star of the show and the one around whom all things revolve. She "rightly" assumes that means they're as absorbed with her as she is.

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm sure you're on to something with the hero worship of doctors moglow. I never thought of it that way but it makes perfect sense. It goes along with the "all about me" thing they have going on.

My mother had a similar relationship with her doctor. Her doctors were so impressed with how knowledgeable she was about medical things! Plus men in general were all interested in her.  She was in her 80s when she'd get all upset about unwanted attention. She said the 90 year old guy across the street was making eyes at her so she wanted my dad to stop talking to him.

They certainly are a handful, aren't they?

[moglow]

Dear Lord, Sunny, again?? Two peas in a pod, our mothers. And of course if we say anything to the contrary it's different in their case. The rules dont apply to them. 

I mean, picture it - doctor sits there all intent and focused on her, goes along with whatever she says, doesn't contradict her. What I wouldn't give to read his visit notes. I have no doubt that she spins whatever version suits her in the moment, that neither they nor we get the truth.

I've repeated things back to her that she said to me, forwarded her own texts and messages back to her, and no. That's not what she said or I must have changed it around, she said no such thing. But it's RIGHT THERE - your words in a screenshot, what I said and your irrational ridiculous response. Voicemail messages that I "read something into it she never said." Listen to it again!! You said what you said, there's no inventing anything! Complete and utter denial.

[Andeza]

Okay I think the denial has crossed into the realm of psychosis at that point. Sheesh.

[moglow]

Boggles the mind, doesn't it? She claimed that pointing out the truth, exactly what'd been said instead of hearsay or misinterpretation, were "attacks on an old woman" Erm no. Not an attack, no misunderstanding, and all this started long before old age kicked in.

She who must not be questioned or contradicted 🙄

[Andeza]

Man, makes me think of WI's Ray. What a wild way to live life.

[Dragonfly]

 This statement by Moglow-
(I've repeated things back to her that she said to me, forwarded her own texts and messages back to her, and no. That's not what she said or I must have changed it around, she said no such thing. But it's RIGHT THERE - your words in a screenshot, what I said and your irrational ridiculous response. Voicemail messages that I "read something into it she never said." Listen to it again!! You said what you said, there's no inventing anything! Complete and utter denial. )
  This exact scenario has happened over and over with my Mom. I would hear things like « Oh there you go again with your SMARTPHONE » I was the bad guy for trying to defend myself. I dont have the energy for it anymore. You do the best to connect her with the help she needs &  then she would sabotage your efforts & blame  you for the situation she is in.

[moglow]

Another week, another doctor's visit - this time GC brother went in with her. She HAS been recommended for knee replacement [has been for quite a while now actually] and she seemed delighted with the news, and she's been referred to ortho surgeon for their eval of what may or may not be best fit for her situation. And now it's coming to light that she hasn't in any way considered or planned for any potential out of pocket costs for the procedure, rehab, etc. She hasn't asked what costs might be, how much of it is covered or what may be her responsibility, just assumed everything is covered and paid for by fairies I guess. However much it may improve her mobility and overall life, It's still elective surgery.

Makes me wonder if this is the hook buried in her recent ooey gooey phone conversation, thinking "of course" mo will step in and stay with her after ...

[Poison Ivy]

My mom has had two joint-replacement surgeries. After both, she ended up going to a residential facility for rehab because receiving and providing care at home was too arduous for everyone. Fortunately, my mom has great health insurance and enough money to cover the costs that insurance didn't cover. Which is to say that your concerns are justified, moglow.

[moglow]

Md is one of those who would assume "of course this is the way things will be," without ever mentioning the what ifs and are you availables, how will this work etc. No consideration that I/we have jobs, homes, pets for which we're responsible. I can easily see her announcing surgery next week and "someone will need to be with me after" as if we're all readily available and can set life aside at a snap of the fingers. No ma'am, I'd suggest you look into that residential rehab since you live alone and will no doubt require more care after.

[Andeza]

"I have a prior commitment" practice it moglow. I'm almost willing to bet money you'll need to have it in your back pocket ready to go. And you do! It's not a lie! You have a job and your own health to see to.

[moglow]

Ahem. It's now come to light that until just last week, she's never actually consulted with or been evaluated by an orthopedic surgeon.  All discussion of surgery has been with her general practitioner. His office ordered imaging etc and she never followed through with suggested consultation. In all her whinging and complaining about her knees leaving a recent appointment, brother's head about exploded - he had no idea it's all been tossed around *for years* and never discussed with anyone who might do said surgery. He whipped into local ortho office while she was with him and made a consult appointment for her, then went with her to said appointment.

Yes, she's a surgical candidate and it's best of possible options for her as it is bone on bone. Shes scared of the whole idea as any of us might be, but making a ton of other excuses for why she never met with surgeon before. They said essentially, she can do nothing and just suffer with the pain; they can provide steroid shots periodically to hopefully alleviate some of the inflammation and she can move around easier; and/or prepare herself for surgery and rehab. If she chooses surgery, they suggested steroid shot for now in better knee to help stabilize [?] and replacement for the bad one, soon. They have to wait at least three months after shot before they can do surgery.

What does she insist on? Steroid shots BOTH knees, so no surgery [for now]. I received a chipper text from her a few days after this consult, letting me know she's planning surgery for August. That's it, and she loves me. Um. Okay. Not.One.Word. about her second great grandchild who joined the family just last week? Just an info text. So yeah. I think in her mind she's buttering me like a biscuit and putting me on notice so I can plan accordingly "for August." Her plan may not be their plan, as no date has been set, it's all pie in the sky planning on her part. And seriously, I'm still not a nurse. Still full time employed with home and pets and my own responsibilities to consider. Plus ... Really? As they say, That's a no for me dawg. No, I've not responded and don't intend to.

Brother and I have discussed her situation - he describes her overall condition as that of a bamboo wind chime. You know, drop it and it falls in a heap. There's no muscle tone, feels like nothing but skin holding her parts together. He said when he tries to help her stand up, sit down etc, there's no tension, that she feels "floppy." How in the actual hell would she manage rehab?? I think she's just seeing it as pop old knee out, click the new one in and presto chango she's all better and the pain goes away. Well ... she still has to move, to work at it and keep on working at it. I'm just not sure she's committed to any of that.

Anyhoo that's where we are today. Tomorrow as you know could be something very different.

[bloomie]

I think in her mind she's buttering me like a biscuit and putting me on notice so I can plan accordingly "for August."

You are no one's buttered up biscuit, Moglow!!!!

Just catching up here with the latest with md. Mercy sakes! So skilled at chaos manufacture and sleight of hand with all of this misinformation and mixed messages!  It sounds like you and your sibs are on to her big time! That has to be a huge relief to have some unity around her shenanigans.

Your description of MD toward docs and 'special' people is so similar to the little one (as I call uPDmil) that my mind is blown. Add another pea to that pod! Watching the lengths the little one will go to in order to 'capture' the attention of a doctor, or minister, anyone deemed important, is very sad, ugly, and honestly, so self deceptive it is disconcerting.

Imagine... the doctor is validating how special one is by giving focused attention and all of the follow up tests and appointments that every new, and in our case, manufactured ailment that comes along. When in fact, the doc is just doing their job.

And when there is a real impairment, such as you describe is true for MD, finding that line of just how much to believe and engage in is tough. Sounds like MD has taken the path of least resistance this time. Hope those injections offer relief for a very, very long time for everyone's sake!

[moglow]

So skilled at chaos manufacture and sleight of hand with all of this misinformation and mixed messages!  It sounds like you and your sibs are on to her big time! That has to be a huge relief to have some unity around her shenanigans.

Bloomie, you speak it true! Brother #1 and I talked about it last week, how I've carried all this around by myself all my life, that opening up and being able to talk about it has helped me so much. He felt bad, said he wished he hadn't brushed it off, had no idea how badly it affected me. He knew but didn't really see it until he was around me every day, saw what regular contact with her did to me and watched me in "recovery" from one after another of her meltdowns.

I had to work through it, plain and simple. Watching our youngest brother go through it hasn't been easy either - we never thought she'd treat him as she has. And now he has two grandchildren - her great grands! - and she's not interested?? How in the world can she live with herself??

I told a friend yesterday that I may just wait for her surgery date so I can plan - a trip to visit youngest and his family. 

[Poison Ivy]

Welcome to the orthopedic surgery-industrial complex. It's not necessarily a racket, but one must enter and traverse it with great caution. (My mom has had two joint replacements, and I'm kind of cynical.)

[moglow]

I'm steering my happy ass clear of the details other than as bro chooses to share them! I realize they're in the business of selling joints and surgeries and likely tell her what they want her to hear. She of course is hearing what she wants to hear no matter what they say. The two are not necessarily in agreement. I do have concerns about her overall condition given bro's recent comments. If she falls, or even a stumble at this point could be bad ...  She's showing little to no interest in improving anything in her life, whether diet or anything else. Just slamming doors everywhere she goes unless it's something to benefit her personally.