NOT interested in a relationship with PDex

[BefuddledClarity]

Hello, I'm not sure how to tell my PDex I'm not interested in a relationship and ONLY want to co-parent, without him going petty or scary on me... Not sure if nowadays he'll be petty since he claims to have changed but..

To give context, we were in a relationship for maybe...3-4yrs. He was also my "first everything" and we have a kid together, so I attempted to keep the relationship going for the sake of "family", even though it was the MOST toxic relationship ever...

I left him 6 months ago.
He nearly killed me and was physically abusive on several occasions. Stole my debit card to buy alcohol, didn't help pay the bills the last year we were together, stole my belongings whenever he got angry, and was verbally abusive by calling me many derogatory names. I left him whenever a physical incident would occur...he begged me to come back, saying he'd quit drinking to get his family back.

I stupidly came back those times .... Thinking he changed because he'll be sober for a few months, until he gets angry at his workplace, and start drinking again. He works under his father, who was also a wife-beater...

Anyways, 6 months ago, after he got drunk and beligerent, I called the cops on him. Our son was removed from the home by CPS and placed in temporary custody with PDex's PDsister... Son will be back in custody with both PDex and myself soon, since we completed the required referrals from CPS.

I also got evicted from my last place and was unemployed for some time due to missing work, after calling out for this emergency and calling out to quarantine. The contract job ended up laying me off. Which ... Was fine as it was a toxic place to work, but sucked to be jobless for the time being and ended up with a crappy part-time job after that hardly paid the bills. I work a stable job now though.


Anyways, I wasn't in contact with PDex until he randomly contacted me out of the blue after last court date about co-parenting. He said he's a "changed man" now, and that the reason our relationship failed was due to a lack of communication and he wants to try again...He wants to meet in person on a 1v1 or with just him, our son, and myself all together. He also wants to help pay of my debt along with other things. He pretty much said something to the effect of "Please babe, give me a chance. I'm a changed man. I know you don't wanna hear or see me right now BUT ..." and so on...

I'm not interested in a relationship with him again, and quite frankly, he is the cause for us losing our son. I was an idiot to accept him in my life, at the cost of losing our son. Thinking that couple's counseling could help. It doesn't. Especially not with a PDex.

I let my case manager from CPS know right away about the communication from son's dad, so it does not reflect negatively towards me. The CPS case manager, PDex's PDsis, and court all want me to come up with a co-parenting plan with ex and want me to stay in communication with him...I've just kept it via text for now.

Anyways, sorry for the long winded ramble. I'm curious on HOW to essentially tell him I'm only interested in co-parenting and NOT a relationship? He's already call me pet names similar to "babe"[never calling me by my name...], and thinks we're together, when we're not. I only talk about our son via text and never made a promise to meet with him. I probably shouldn't ignore the pet names and his request, it'd probably be better that I confront it and tell him to "knock it off", but in a professional manner... but how should I word it?

My therapist told me to write him what I'll say to ex, and he said I sound too "uncertain" with the way I wrote the letter, that I'm getting frustrated. I hadn't realize until after he said that, that I'm walking on eggshells with PDex...I still have fear...and I don't know how to get over it.

I wrote something to the effect of:

"Hi PDex,
I am only interested in co-parenting, and not a relationship.

I'll continue supporting you as our son's father and thank you for supporting me as our son's mother.

Please let me know if LO needs anything, and I'll do the same.

Thank you."


I may just completely take off the "support as a father/mother" part. I'm trying not to stir the angry bear. He gets really petty. When we separated those 6 months ago, he tried reporting that I was neglecting my son's health because I didn't set up a dental appointment [I was trying REALLY hard to set up an appointment for a toddler and finding time to take the day off, since PDex was unhelpful with that]...he also thought I'm some sort of hacker that prevented him from seeing photos of son [which is untrue, I have a shared album on Google to his email. He is illiterate with tech ... I specialize in the tech field, so his PDsis confronted me on it asking if it was true that I'm "hacking" or preventing PDex from seeing photos. I confirmed that no, it's not true and provided proof, she believed me].

Idk if he legitimately changed or not, but within those 6 months, I kept hearing from CPS how wonderfully PDex would talk about me. And how PDex said I'm a great mother...I don't think he's a bad dad perse, he's very attentive with son, but he's a terrible f*cking partner.

Furthermore, even if he did change, I no longer love PDex or have any sort of feelings. I'm interested in somebody else now, who treats me better. That person is two of three brothers' bestfriend, **Marino...We're just friends, but he treats me as a GF[cooks me food, does my laundry, gave me money to spend time with son during visits, encourages me to reach my goals, etc]. He got out of equally abusive relationships, so we're taking things REAL slow...it was too quick in the beginning, and we were all over each other, but we slowed it down.

I like Marino a lot but I also need to go through a couple more therapy sessions until I've "healed" a bit and do more self-care... I'm also going to go away for a while...for 2wks at some point when I get my own place. So, I will not be in communication with ANYBODY during that time. It's a digital detox and a time for me to spend with son. I plan on changing my phone number and only responding to emergency texts/calls.

I'll give my WiFi phone number for now to people I'm not necessarily close to...I can always uninstall the app if it becomes too overwhelming.

[justducky]

BC, I'm sorry for all you've gone through with your ex. You showed strength and resilience in getting him out of your life except for co-parenting. He sounds unstable, manipulative, and scary.

It's understandable that you're walking on eggshells and trying to phrase your reply to him in a way that won't set him off. The thing is that we can't control other people.

I suggest being brief and clear. For example: "I am only interested in co-parenting LO with you. We have no relationship outside of that."

It's okay to be afraid. Try to feel it and let it wash over you. It will pass. Then you can focus on aspects of your life that you have control over, like your new boyfriend and your job.

Best wishes, and keep on keepin' on!

[BefuddledClarity]

BC, I'm sorry for all you've gone through with your ex. You showed strength and resilience in getting him out of your life except for co-parenting. He sounds unstable, manipulative, and scary.

It's understandable that you're walking on eggshells and trying to phrase your reply to him in a way that won't set him off. The thing is that we can't control other people.

I suggest being brief and clear. For example: "I am only interested in co-parenting LO with you. We have no relationship outside of that."

It's okay to be afraid. Try to feel it and let it wash over you. It will pass. Then you can focus on aspects of your life that you have control over, like your new boyfriend and your job.

Best wishes, and keep on keepin' on!

Hi justducky, thank you for the response. PDex tried video calling me early before son's visit today and I took your advice and pretty much worded my reply via text similarish to what you wrote. PDex never responded back after.

I've only been texting anything regarding son to him and nothing extra, since son is currently sick. I only wanted to let PDex know.

In the past, PDex would blow up on me and call me names, so I am quite pleasantly surprised he did not do that, and chose to keep his mouth shut instead.

[athene1399]

If he does blow up on you via text, you can definitely reiterate this by saying something like, "If it does not pertain to LO, please stop messaging me." And then ignore anything that has nothing to do with LO.

I am glad there has been no argument so far. Fingers crossed it doesn't happen.

I don't know if this helps, but SO's BPDxw "changes" and "isn't the same person " multiple times a year. She recently did something similar where she told SO that she wanted to be friends and repair their relationship (I am assuming as friends lol). He never responded. sD is 21 and there's no reason to communicate with BPD xw anymore. Xw often feels the need to tell him, in great detail, how much she has changed periodically. It doesn't take long to see everything is the same