eGrandma dying and boundaries with uNPD/HPDm

[completelyperdue2]

Hello,

I found out yesterday evening that my eGrandmother is being transferred to hospice care after dealing with an illness in the past week that has taken a turn for the worse. I am currently grey rock/VLC with my mom, and I have not seen her physically in almost two years after having an argument about her eBoyfriend that I refuse to see or meet since he's a con (long story there). It actually has been a bit of a relief that I have been able to use the pandemic as a way to say," Sorry, can't see you!"
Now that my eGrandmother is passing away, I am worried about having to maintain those boundaries with the potiential of a funeral, dealing with her will, etc. I already told my mom that if there was a funeral that I would not be in attendance due to the current pandemic, and that her and my uncle and aunt really should not have any type of memorial service until this blows over. I am just worried that my uNPD/HPDm is going to try FOGging me into seeing her because of everything going on right now. I feel bad since I know this is a sad time for everyone, but I really cannot handle her toxicity along with processing the loss of my eGrandmother.
My eGrandmother has been an enabler for my uNPDm for her life, but she is also the only one who seemed to get through to my mom when no other family member could. I am just worried with my eGrandmother's passing that my mom's PD will probably get worse. Not that it's bad enough already. 
I'm hoping that someone who has been through this situation can offer some advice as to how to maintain boundaries in a difficult time like this and how to cope with the potiential fallout when a PD loses one of their biggest enablers.

Thanks for reading.

[Andeza]

My grandfather wasn't exactly what I would call an enabler for my uBPDm, but his death did up some of her behaviors. I did attend the funeral as I wasn't NC with M at that time. I told myself upfront that I wasn't there for my M. I was there for me. Some odd twist of behaviors meant I ended up being the one that Gma could lean on, and I'm okay with that. Mostly it took the form of holding onto my arm, demanding nothing though. My aunt was stuck comforting my M, and my uncles were moping together. Poor Gma needed somebody. Made me glad I went. After that however, she upped the "Nobody cares about me" drama along with the other waify behavior. Mine is a full metal waif. It's ridiculous really.

First and foremost, you have to consider what you need from this. Not going would avoid stressing your boundaries and the recovery work you've done. You can use the pandemic as a handy shield for that if you prefer. It certainly requires no further explanation. "Why aren't you come to seeeee meeeeeeeee! I'm your mooooootthhhherrrrrr!" "Because Covid." End of discussion. I additionally believe that processing the impending loss of your Gma, since she was an enabler, will involve looking at her behaviors and whether or not she ever stepped in on your behalf. Enabler usually = no. That's something that you will have to unpack and process regardless of whether she passes right now or not.

The fallout? It will be most easily managed by limiting the avenues of access your mom has to you right now. It might look like only checking texts from her once or twice a week and ignoring the PD behavior portions. It may look like temporarily (or longer) blocking her number so she can't harass you. It might look like shuffling emails off to a different folder unread until you're in a good headspace to handle it. Essentially? Don't let her involve you with the fallout, while maintaining MC/gray rock. If you're boring, she'll move on to a tastier target. "I'm so upsettttttttt!" "Sorry to hear that, how's the garden doing?"

This is an exercise in protecting yourself. Our programming as the children of pwPDs tends to make us want to comfort them, or try to fix things for them. But we can't. And that's okay.

[completelyperdue2]

Hi @Andeza !

Thank you for your words.
Yeah, I have already told my mom that a funeral or memorial service really should be delayed until the pandemic is over, and it seems like my grandmother has also made it her wish that her funeral is delayed until everything is safe which I am grateful for. I may attend the funeral once the pandemic is over with, but my plan is to arrive very late, and try to find a spot towards the back where no one will see me just to avoid uNPD/HPDm and e(con)Boyfriend.
My grandmother really wasn't too much involved as far as intervening between me and mother since she lived far away from where we lived in the city. I only really figured out that my grandmother was my mom's enabler after the eBoyfriend, who really is a con, came in to our lives. Then I could see her supporting my mother's behavior's towards me and also repeating those behaviors to me as well, but once I started to set up boundaries around the eBoyfriend is when she backed down from things.
I did have a call with my uNPD/HPDm yesterday after I had a very teary good-bye call with my grandmother, and basically she showed her colors again during that call.
There was one portion of the call where she said in a nasty sort of tone," Well, I don't know if completelyperdue2 is going to call."
I then said," I am completelyperdue2." At this point, I'm pissed that she was planning to talk nasty about me behind my back.  I should have let it roll looking back on it just to see what she would say, but it's probably better that I didn't.
"Oh! I thought you were Sailor Mercury (my sister)," in a voice that I could tell was a quick and desperate attempt to cover what just rolled out of her mouth. This pissed me off even more since she talked to my sister no more than 15 minutes before I called her.  I'm the SG child in my family if you cannot already tell. 
Then she had gone on and on about how she hopes my eGrandmother does not die on her birthday.  My uNPD/HPDm's birthday is within the next week, so god forbid my eGrandmother dies on her birthday. I know that's when the HPD will kick in  , and I will want to be on Mars than to deal with that. Well, I'll want to be on Mars once everything has settled down from my eGrandmother's passing and my uNPD/HPDm and my uPD aunt will have to figure out how to get along and be civil with each other. Those will be some grey rock conversations there. Anyways...
On today's call to check in on the status of my eGrandmother, she emphasized once again that she doesn't want my eGrandmother to die on her birthday, but then admitted that she has no control over that. Then she went on for about 15 minutes about how she was such a good daughter to her soon to be late mother. Blah, blah, blah. I just started grey rocking at that point and let her just go on about herself until she was done letting her hot air out.
It It just shows to me that my mom really does have a PD, and there really isn't anything I can do about it other than maintain a very strict border as far as my interactions with her. So far before all of this happening, our interactions were a phone call once every two weeks that my uNPD/HPDm would initiate just to see what news (fishing for something dramatic to make an unnecessarily big deal out of), and I hope she will return to that or even way less once things die down but I may have to set up that boundary again. She doesn't have my email and she very rarely texts me, so at least I have that going for me. My hope, as well as my sister's, is that things don't get any more worse with her PDs than they currently are.  I really don't want to go NC, but I'm prepared to if she does get worse because I know I have way better things to deal with.