Hi from a Newbie

[resrchbug]

Hi, I have been married to a BPD for 36 years. At least I think he is BPD. I am trying to find coping strategies and ways to help myself. I am at my wits end. My husband thinks counseling is a waste of time and money. Years ago he went to counseling for a few months. He was diagnosed with OCD and anxiety. We tried couples therapy for a while as well, until he quit because it was just husband bashing. He views all the problems as mine or other peoples issues. My daughter sought counseling to deal with issues stemming from her childhood. Her counselor suggested that her father may have BPD.

So, in brief, he meets almost all of the higher functioning BPD criteria. Since he does not want help, I am not trying to help him. But how do I survive? How do I change myself? How do I set boundaries after 36 years of letting him rage around us, control through fear and manipulation? What do I do with his refusal to take care of himself ?

One of many problems is that I cannot keep up with his filth. The house is like a hoarders house - filthy and cluttered. For 30 years I worked to maintain and stay ahead of his filth. For 30 years I was the buffer between him and his children and the rest of the world. It left me exhausted and isolated. For the past 6 years I have been slowly trying to set boundaries and stop enabling. I have some serious allergies to mold and dust. The state of the house is making me seriously ill. I have gone away in increasing amounts of time to visit family and friends. But when I return, the house is always worse than when I left. He tells me that the filth is my fault because I went away. But the filth has always been there even before I started giving myself breaks.

The emotional and verbal abuse continue with bouts of his being nice. He sees me and our grown children as extensions of himself and demands that I tell him even my dreams. He has installed cameras everywhere. Anyway, if you go through a list of criteria, he has all the behaviors accept suicidal tendencies. Instead, he just refuses to take care of his health and overeats. When I speak to him about my needs, he rages. When I go away to try and get a break from the toxic house, he rages. When I try and talk to him about his behavior he either says "that's the way I am" or "I'm depressed".

I am just beginning to understand and research BPD but I am finding it difficult to break old patterns of behavior. I even considered a separation from him but if I did that it would burn the bridge so to speak. He doesn't have affairs but rather has absolutely no desire for intimacy with another person - including me. I care about him and I care about myself. I just read Walking on Eggshells but I am having difficulty knowing what behaviors are even normal. What is in his control and what isn't?

I am in the process of looking for a counselor for myself, but we are very limited on funds and have no health insurance.

[ChevyChase]

Hi,

Welcome and please take care of yourself!

You are not alone.  I am in a similar position trying to address issues in my relationship with my spouse, this after 22 years of marriage.  I believe she has uBPD.  I agree it is really hard to tell what is normal, you quickly lose perspective.  I found an excellent therapist who was able to help me see how much of my spouse's behavior is not normal.   I found it extremely difficult to identify the abnormal behavior because I was so close to it and it was all I knew.  But I also knew that I was miserable and I didn't like how I was around my spouse.

This board has excellent references and people with a whole lot of experience.