Harassment and Stalking

[Seeking_Peace]

In addition to my drama with my xILs, I'm dealing with their flying monkey – my elderly relative. I've always thought she was cranky or snarky, but obviously realizing now she is an uNPD individual. Total communal narcissist who thinks she is the queen of the town, and has some seductive NPD traits with men.

About a year ago, I asked her to stop communicating with the xILs due to a legal issue at the time. Inevitably, she continued to speak with them and added gasoline to the fire. I stopped allowing DD6 to her home due to her blatant disregard for my boundaries, critiquing my DD, and the final straw was having DD clean her toilets.

This relative has also reached out to some of my friends baiting them for responses or claiming that she is "unwell." They all know to disengage or ignore.

Now that the next legal hurdle has been crossed, she has decided to full-fledge stalk me and DD. It happens several times a week, and I have over 20 texts from her that I refuse to reply to. She has also brought clothing to the school and had DD change into the clothing, which I never agreed to. She has also taken a volunteer position at the school, shows up to bring DD snacks, and had DD bring me home a handwritten note. The note essentially blamed me and claimed that I do nothing but talk crap about her, and that her home is DDs home. An absolute joke. I've saved it along with my legal documents, as kids should not be messengers between adults. I also think I've made it clear that I do not want contact, since I have not responded to her barrage of texts.

I have an attorney, I just don't know how to proceed from a practical side of things, since this relative is technically not part of my current legal matter. I just have concerns that she is given all this access to my child, and probably undermining me.

Any tips would be much appreciated!

[moglow]

Do not respond, to anything. I wouldn't discuss her or anything about her with anyone, unless you have concerns about her being at your daughter's school. You may need to advise the school that she and your inlaws are not approved to pick up your child for any reason. No special visits or treats, no "I'm just taking her home" etc. The schools deal with this kind of thing, probably all too regularly. She may be encouraged to volunteer at other schools, or they move her to other classes. She doesn't get to use a child as her carrier pigeon.

[hhaw]

Seeking Peace:

I hope you have or can create a close enough relationship with your DD's school faculty to explain the situation.  Volunteering at the school, in order to have innapropriate contact with your dd, is something I'd think you could stop or at least curtail on the following basis:

Using the child to deliver messages

Seeking out contact with your child AFTER you've limited or stopped contact

It's not OK for anyone to volunteer in order to get access to children their parents have cut out of that child's life.  Be that the case, it's not up to the cut off person to USE the school to gain access and I'm sure the school faculty will agree with your request to stop that contact.

IF this elderly person wants to continue volunteering, after she loses the ability to see and speak to your dd, then let her.  Things like making copies and collating teacher's work and reading to children who need help...... fine,but I'm certain the volunteering spirit will fade once contact with your child is extinguished, IME.

I'd be surprised if the school INSISTED your child be exposed to a person you've strictly forbidden from having contact with. 

It's not up to the school to choose sides or be the decider in this.... YOU'RE the guardian and you get to say, IME.

You can speak to your dd's teachers and make sure to note this person in the contact info for your child.

It's not OK and I'd be surprised if you needed to contact an attorney about this.  I guess having your attorney fire off a letter to the school admin, should they fail to keep this relative away from your child, would be my next step if needed.

Good luck

[TimetoHeal]

Yes, please put the school on notice IMMEDIATELY that she is not to have any contact with your child!!  I am shocked that they would let someone come in and make her change clothes!!  Where I live, schools are so, so careful about who has access to your child (MUST be written authorization from the legal guardian).  That is not okay!! 

[Cat of the Canals]

Reading this just makes me feel sick to my stomach. I'm so sorry you're going through this on top of the mess with your xILs.

I agree with the advice above. Continue to disengage and give the school strict instructions that she is not allowed access to your daughter.

[olivegirl]

My children were also stalked and harassed at school by their grandparents and it is devastating and scary.

I called the police and explained the situation.

The police then contacted the grandparents and gave them a warning to stay away.

It did calm things down for us. 

Stay strong!