Moving Round the Drama Triangle

[Lauren17]

YA DD is currently in the I of the IDD cycle with her uNPD dad. I'm finding that leaves me as the bad guy.  If dad is great, then mom is all fault for all of her YA trials and tribulations.  She is also exhibiting some of her dad's behavior's towards me. The fleas are flying.

Has anyone been in this situation?  How to respond?

I know that "Hey! Stop acting like your dad" is the very worst thing to say, but it does come to mind. 

I'm struggling to move past my triggered brain and defend a boundary that's been crossed. 

[notrightinthehead]

I have recently listened a lot to Marshall Rosenberg Non violent communication on YouTube. So much so, that I ordered a book. I think that strategy might be useful for your situation. It will take a while to learn, I have noticed that I take long to respond when I apply it, but it protects both parties, and it will probably make you feel more in control. Teenagers, adorable as they are, will definitely test you.

[Leonor]

Hi Lauren!

Jane Nelsen's work on positive parenting is also a great resource for fostering healthy relationships with teens!

It's hard, but if it were possible for you to step out if the triangle by removing your ex from the equation and focus solely on you and your DD, perhaps some of the anxiety might dissipate a bit. I know you're trying to get to the root cause of your DD's behavior and understand that it's not her as much as him, but in doing so you're inadvertently keeping your DD in the middle of an emotional tug of war between you and your ex.

Perhaps instead of approaching the issue as "Ex is manipulating DD into hurting me," reframing it as something totally non-charged, like "Hormones are making my DD feel irritable" or "DD is feeling confused and upset going from one house to the next" or even "the patriarchy is instilling these limiting beliefs in YA girls" can take the heat out of the interaction and give you a path forward to bond with her woman to woman as opposed to ex-wife to daughter.

[Penny Lane]

Hi Lauren!

I'm sorry you're dealing with this but I'm happy to share - this is very normal. My DH gets hugely triggered by my stepkids' teenage or PDlike behaviors. At one point he exclaimed in despair, "he's going to turn out to be a liar like his mom!"

I am happy to report that neither of my stepkids lie like their mother does. And in fact when my therapist heard this she told me that the lying is very developmentally normal.

I always said that PDBM acts like a 14 year old, and now that we've had a 14 year old I can confidently say that, yup, the behaviors are very similar.

So what does that mean for you? I suggest, much like Leonor, reframing this in your head. It is developmentally normal that your daughter will blame you for things that are out of your control or even her fault. It is your job as a parent to guide her into healthy behaviors and more mature thought patterns.

Of course there is a very scary layer here, that her father is manipulating her and the worry that she is going to bring these behaviors into adulthood. I'm not saying that's not a real concern - it definitely is! - I'm just saying that the best course of action is to do what you would do if the PD wasn't in the picture.

Your challenge is to react as the calm, stable confident adult without (outwardly) getting triggered. This kind of redirection will work wonders, maybe not immediately but in the long term. However, I know how hard it is to react well when your fight or flight kicks in.

My first suggestion is to take a break when you need it. "That was rude, and I don't like being spoken to that way. I'm going to take a break in my room and then we can discuss this." Or whatever.

My second suggestion is to plan out what you're going to say in advance, even potentially practice. So in the moment you don't have to decide how to respond, you already know what you're going to say. "I know it feels unfair that (whatever YA struggle is going on). I love you and I'm here for you. But I didn't cause this and I don't like how you're blaming me. If you want my help in dealing with it, I will be ready to talk to you." Or if she specifically brings up her dad: "Your dad and I do things differently. I always have your best interests in mind when I make decisions, and I want what's best for you."

These are just examples of how I would approach it, your style might be very different but you get the gist. Kindly, lovingly, but firmly hold the boundary that you are there to support her but you are not there to have her be rude at you.

This will take practice, and you will not be perfect. Teenagers are incredibly difficult even without a PD involved. Go easy on yourself and know that you are a good mom and you are doing your best!

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I have recently listened a lot to Marshall Rosenberg Non violent communication on YouTube - notrightinthehead

I read that book years ago, I think I will reread it shortly.

I've started listening to podcasts lately and found one called The Art of NVC.  I am going to try this.

I've been navigating the mind fields of parenting my 18 year old.  I've made lots of mistakes - and lots of positive interactions mixed in.

I know that my son doesn't fell like he can freely express himself with me, so I am going to work on this.