Hi everyone. I'm becoming self-aware enough to recognize, ''tis then season to feel emotionally wobbly.
I thought we could use this thread to check in and discuss any challenges we might face over the holidays. It could be a place we could go if things get fraught, lonely or dicey in our respective situations and families. And we could be a source of cheer and community in these challenges.
My PD parents are deceased, I have been scapegoated and cut off by my extended family and my siblings, and I've slowly disconnected from a number of really toxic friends.
I have a good marriage and a wonderful kid. I have a great step kid with an extremely toxic uPD bio mom, and I help my husband manage the intricacies of that situation.
My mom's estate hasn't been settled because of more red tape. I've done all I can and just have to wait for the lawyers to work it out. My brother recently sent me an email blaming me for the delay.
In the quiet of no contact, I'm feeling all the loss, sadness, waste, anger, and everything else that is part of the larger grieving that goes with recovery. I know I'm better off not being a scapegoat, but I haven't adjusted to the quiet and the absence of the relationships. I'm seeing my therapist again after a long break, keeping my obligations light, and allowing myself a lot of time to just be. I only have 18 months before stepson is an adult and hs grad and that means my husband no longer has to do the crappy dance with ss's manipulative mom.
I sometimes get depressed and it makes me feel less present with my immediate family. This is something I would like to work on. In the past I went off the deep end trying to make up for lost time and have the perfect holidays. Other times I have felt so down that I didn't want to do anything. This year I'm striving for a happy medium and to only do things that spark joy, to borrow a phrase from Marie Kondo.
What about you??? What are your challenges; how are you coping?
Hi, Coyote23. I have been divorced for 5 1/2 years, but my ex ditched me to be his parents' caregiver a few years earlier. Our children are adults and live far away. Between already living alone and the COVID-19 shutdowns, I have been very isolated from other human beings. For the most part, I don't mind living alone. However, every once in awhile, I think, "Wow, this is going to be my life until I die." Regarding the holidays, it is somewhat challenging for me to make the transition from my lifestyle of not having to pretend that I'm not depressed or anxious or whatever to seeming "normal" when my children are here.
This is the first major family holiday we've had since we moved here. The in-laws were originally going to fly out to visit, but we ended up going NC with them a few months ago. Okay, well we'll just spend it with my dad then. But then I got sick and the kids got sick so that was it.
I'm pretty bummed. I think part of that is because we moved earlier this year too so it's the combination of new place and only one familiar face in the area.
In some ways it was freeing though. No waiting on chronically late people to finish the turkey three hours after it should have been done, no mil freaking out about crumbs on her floor, no perfect family photo merely hiding the dysfunction.
Just us. Dh and I and our kids... And dad dropping turkey off on our doorstep, lol.
What a thoughtful thread, Coyote23. Thank you.
I crashed five years ago and am still struggling. For 47 years, I told myself I could one day find a secret formula to make Nmom "okay," but when I finally had to realize that was never going to be the case, I crashed .... and hard. Before that, I was the one who pulled holiday times together with the big meals, the sweet cozy decorating, the whole nine yards. For the past five years, it's been "meh." I actually do absolutely nothing but cook. I think the sadness comes through my cooking ... doesn't even taste good to me, although none goes to waste with DH and three sons. I, too, have an amazing FOC and know that they're getting the scraps of me, so I hope to heal enough that I no longer feel that's the case. I do have c-ptsd and was making some headway with a wonderful counselor, but she moved away and I haven't found a suitable replacement. So, with a "meh" Thanksgiving under my belt, Nmom in long-term care with mid-level dementia, and many active symptoms of c-ptsd giving me fits, I might settle for just surviving at this point. I do have a warm home and all of life's necessities, so I am supremely thankful. Maybe for Christmas, I will ask for hope and try to believe I can get better. Warmest holiday wishes to all. xoxo
Wow, what a snapshot into people's lives. You all write really well btw. Must be all that journaling 😁
I am coming off anti depressants after 20+ years and so far so good. My job at the domestic abuse charity is a total gift; the kids I work with, my colleagues and much learning about trauma and how to respond. Amazing actually. The boat still floats and the dog's nose is shiny. My son is doing his thing, being a writer. (so proud). I'm still grieving the end of my last relationship. The break up hit me much harder, and for longer, than I anticipated. Back to those old childhood wounds again, my old friends Rejection and Loneliness. At least I didn't have the additional burden of PD damage to deal with as he was not that. So Christmas will be just me and uBPDmum: can't wait. If you read my recent vent about mum, she is now totally cool about coming up. Like nothing happened. :stars:
This is a great idea. I have so many layers with this. Starting with... I chose nc with updm years ago which resulted in NC with entire foo.
Even though this is for the best I still feel orphaned, and holidays feel.... Lonely.... Or just lacking something despite the good people and good aspects that I try to emphasize
Emotionally wobbly......that is definitely me.
I've been VLC with mom for about 4 years. Dad is also VLC. The holidays are hard for me with family drama that always seems to flare up this time of year. The holidays were full of huge family gatherings. Lots of fights, lots of food, lots of dysfunction.
Three years ago, my husband had an affair this time of year. She was a "friend". My husband and I have found a beautiful new space, more connected than ever....more skills than ever. I am grateful for the greater connection - certainly not how we got here.
I've been trying to create new memories. New traditions. New versions of holiday recipes. And, mostly I did great over Thanksgiving. But, I feel like I'm in the midst of an emotional hangover. I don't want to do anything or see anyone. I'm sure it is a form of self-isolation and not good...but I have no motivation right now.
Also a wobbler 🙋 Our extended family fell apart when the grandparents passed years ago. So much damage had been done by mother and the twisted sisters that all bonds were frayed beyond repair. Since then we've seen cousins at funerals and even those were dramatic performances no one needed. Next generation - MD played divide and conquer all our lives, burned all four of us down in one way or another, so we don't do holidays within our family either. I'm terminally single, a true choice at this point, always feel on the outside looking in even when with friends.
The lead up and after discussions of "what are y'all doing/what did you do for x holiday" are painful. Being around the happy shopping families, painful. The decorating, gatherings, parties - same. It's isolating and not in a good way. Every year, I just want it to be over so people will stop their expectations of what they want mine to be. I volunteer where I can and hide out when I can't.
And so I wobble.
Thanks for all of your stories. I feel less alone. Can you/we/I try to plan things not as a way to celebrate or check some "I'm normal " box but as a strategy, to avoid going to a bad place in our minds?
I find I need to plan SOMETHING to avoid sinking deep into depression and grief. But from there it's easy to go overboard and then everything goes to shot because we are tired and cranky and I feel resentful.
So we did this holiday drive through light show.
And im trying to find an online livestream of the nutcracker.
And we will plan special meals and watch some movies.
Maybe we can do a hike on NYD.
I'd like to have dinner with maybe one friend/family we know.
None of us want much for gifts because we just spent 2 years buying what we need to keep us occupied in the house and there's nothing left that anyone needs besides updated clothes for the real world.
So I'm going to ask you guys what your plan is and please know it's not the fake social kind of brag/asking that moglow eloquently described. I want to know how we get through the tough time.
One thing I do is celebrate the Winter Solstice. It had nothing to do with my FOO and is a holiday we make our own, by celebrating it as both a science event and a return of the light.
Thanks for starting this thread and for the term emotional wobble, I'm sure many of us have been pondering/feeing that a lot. I took a vacation just me and my wife for Thanksgiving this year. We wanted some peace and some genuine joy. I was given space by my FOO, no guilting, no overt comments, but I know they're waiting for my "phase" to be over, and the middle one is slowly trying to have more of his own space although he is in limbo between individuating and being in the FOG.
I really liked my vacation but I thought frequently in the quiet moments about all of the sugarcoated nonsense during these times that fuels narcissistic behavior and the toll it takes on codependents like me needing some space. We are told to take care of ourselves but if we don't want phony baloney we're somehow the bad guys.
Then you'll see articles/commercials/skits all poking fun at the "crazy uncle" or "invasive aunt" or the year round classic, "horrible in-laws" with a conveniently blind eye to the fact all of these people society seems to consider to be terrible VERY LIKELY HAVE KIDS. Do they get a pass from the standpoint of being parents? If they abuse their kids in the ways that make your holiday experience miserable, that's just not a problem? Sorry for the rant but it's one of the things that's contributed to the wobble recently, probably doesn't help that I read a Jeff Vandermeer novel on the flights which really dive into existentialism related concepts :upsidedown: thanks for the space to get it out.
Thanks for this topic! I just posted something on the coparenting board about how my stepkids' mom tries her best to ruin our holidays and does damage to the kids in the process.
I was able to have a somewhat honest discussion with DSS14 about this. I said that I'd noticed his mom gets "extra stressed" (putting it VERY MILDLY) around the holidays. He said he has noticed that too.
I worry that the kids are going to look back on their childhoods and hate the holidays. We try our best to make them a calm, happy time. But it's hard when they're forced into stress and chaos half the time.
I realized today how stressed I am about this, how worried about the kids. They deserve a mom who doesn't make her own unhappiness into their problem! You all deserved the same thing.
Hugs to everyone. I hope we can all make this holiday season into what we need, despite the PDs.
This might seem really off-topic, but when I get bummed out, I look at Britney Spears' Instagram. She just got freed from her 13 year conservatorship (with her family being her conservators) despite the fact that she's been stable and working for most of that time. She posts pictures of herself in her favorite outfits, and photos of her tree. The woman is overjoyed to be chilling at home, watching holiday specials on TV, lighting candles and putting up a tree. The combination of her being free from her narcissistic captors and enjoying very simple holiday pleasures feels very healing to me. 😊
Not-fun holiday activity: going to my mom's house on Thanksgiving with my very old dog, who gets anxious when away from our home. I stayed for a few hours, left before the meal, and felt worn out from being on alert with the dog the entire time.
Enjoyable holiday activity: having a video call with my ex and our two adult children the day after Thanksgiving.
Another enjoyable holiday activity: My cable provider had a free-HBO week, and I caught up on one TV show that I usually have to wait to watch on DVD ("Succession": narcs galore!) and watched a movie.
Over the years due to foo issues on my side and on Updh side we've found ways to celebrate with friends instead. (Sometimes if stuck in the house with Updh and no distractions it's been unbearable so I try to find folks we can celebrate with)... DS especially seems to enjoy this.
Thank you for this thread. I'm home with an illness today, which may be the reason for the especially somber mood, but this was already on my mind.
I don't talk much here about my FOO, because my primary issue has been with my uPDxh. However, now that the time has come to establish or, in some cases, re-establish new family traditions for the children and myself, it's opening up some new (old?) stuff.
I use "classically" dysfunctional to describe my FOO. No overt PD's, and after being married to one, I'm thankful for that. My M is a wonderful person, but a classic co-dependent. My F was the product of an abusive home, and was an alcoholic. M catered to, and put up with his behaviors for too many years, IMO. F is deceased, and mom is remarried, to a truly lovely gentleman. However, again, she is entirely laser focused on his needs, his family, etc. Even he sees it, and has mentioned it.
One thing the updxh came with was a large family, with established family holiday traditions. They weren't always smooth, but they were basically predictable and were wrapped in all the trimmings. While I'm glad I don't have to attend those now, I am somewhat at a loss of what to do instead.
M defers to SF's DD's first, for all holiday planning. I know it's not intentional, and I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I end up feeling like my children and I are an afterthought. While I'm sure we would be welcomed in the step family's gatherings, the children and I would feel like outsiders. The SS's and I were adults, with our own families, by the time our parents got married. Plus, for years, I went to my in-laws, and M went to their place for the holidays. M and SF would meet up with us to celebrate at some other random time, if at all. I also have 2 siblings from F's first marriage. We all get along well, but they have their M, and their own families. It's very difficult to try and plan around all the conflicting schedules.
After reading other stories here, I do feel a bit childish for wanting something more from M at this point in life. This is where the emotional wobble gets me. I'm so thankful for how far I've come, and for the things I am able to do for my own children. At the same time, I feel a sense of loneliness and sometimes even abandonment, when it comes to FOO, even though I know that's not their intent. Then, I feel guilty for feeling that way, because I know things could be so much worse!
It definitely helps me to plan activities with the children. Watching them revel in the joys of the season is really THE main attraction for me. I make an advent calendar for them, which started today. They each get a small treat, but also have something they have to do for someone else each day. Today it was "make someone smile." So, :) to all!
Thanks for this thread - exactly what I need now. "Tis the season to be wobbly, falalalala lalalala" ... I love it!
For me, feeling mostly grief, and some anxiety/fear, very vulnerable. Also longing. I'm living alone, still isolated due to Covid precautions. A "fix" from my Pdx calls to me. We've been completely NC for almost 2 years. It would be so comforting to talk, it seems. I can't imagine anything in the world that would feel better than hearing from him right now, at least in the short term. I'm in a really scary situation healthwise with a very poor prognosis. I have some support, but no one to actually walk through it with me the way a spouse/partner could.
If I thought I could get away with maintaining very limited contact, I'd probably do it. But he's very "sticky," manipulative, and a boundary crasher. It's like that metaphor of choosing to dance with an 800 lb gorilla. It doesn't stop until the gorilla decides it's over. (The gorilla here being mostly whatever unhealthy, codependent, trauma-based tendencies I have that keep me trapped with someone like him.) It would be so unwise. But that's what calls to me when I'm wobbly.
It's so, so good to be able to voice these things here. I wouldn't worry my loved ones talking about it with them. They'd be horrified. And they wouldn't understand like people here do. Thank you all. And love & blessings during the holidays and beyond. :hug:
Quote from: Lookin 2 B Free on December 02, 2021, 12:28:54 PM
Thanks for this thread - exactly what I need now. "Tis the season to be wobbly, falalalala lalalala" ... I love it!
For me, feeling mostly grief, and some anxiety/fear, very vulnerable. Also longing. I'm living alone, still isolated due to Covid precautions. A "fix" from my Pdx calls to me. We've been completely NC for almost 2 years. It would be so comforting to talk, it seems. I can't imagine anything in the world that would feel better than hearing from him right now, at least in the short term. I'm in a really scary situation healthwise with a very poor prognosis. I have some support, but no one to actually walk through it with me the way a spouse/partner could.
If I thought I could get away with maintaining very limited contact, I'd probably do it. But he's very "sticky," manipulative, and a boundary crasher. It's like that metaphor of choosing to dance with an 800 lb gorilla. It doesn't stop until the gorilla decides it's over. (The gorilla here being mostly whatever unhealthy, codependent, trauma-based tendencies I have that keep me trapped with someone like him.) It would be so unwise. But that's what calls to me when I'm wobbly.
It's so, so good to be able to voice these things here. I wouldn't worry my loved ones talking about it with them. They'd be horrified. And they wouldn't understand like people here do. Thank you all. And love & blessings during the holidays and beyond. :hug:
Buckets of love to you. LtbF ❤️
QuoteIt's so, so good to be able to voice these things here. I wouldn't worry my loved ones talking about it with them. They'd be horrified. And they wouldn't understand like people here do. Thank you all. And love & blessings during the holidays and beyond.
All same same from my little corner of the asylum to all of you! I see your hug and raise you one massive group hug :grouphug:
No big glitches here just a little of the small annoyance level stuff.
I leveled down and went a bit more casual to help keep things manageable and that helped.
Hello from my wobbly corner of the world.
I just finished a six week solo camping trip. It was a trial to see if I could get it going full-time. But I saw the look on my DSs face when I sent him off to college. So I kept my place for the holidays so he would have somewhere to go for his first college winter break. Next week we are going to do some time in the sun and then back to our bleary part of the world for the actual holidays.
When he is here we have become more roommates than parent/child. He comes and goes as he pleases and if he has time - we have dinner together. I have no decorations up and no other plans.
The past few holidays have been hard - by myself and feeling very depressed. I really miss the Christmas mornings where we would wake and do presents - with my grandchildren. But this year, I offered to go them and make it easier on my daughters. This way they don't have to decide who to spend it with. My parents did that for me when they were alive and I really appreciated it.
I am finally growing closer to two of my siblings. My ex hated them so we didn't see them often. But since the divorce, I have seen them and we talk a great deal. I do have two other NPDsibs and I am no contact with them - an occasional text on holidays. That is fine with me.
So I will wobble this Christmas but I am looking forward to future Christmas's where I will decide where I want to spend it not dependent on anyone else's desires - a real joy after 56 years of making it happy for everyone else (I don't miss the anxiety of creating a perfect holiday). In the future, my DS who will be 21 then can decide where he wants to go - and I am OK if it isn't with me.
In some small ways, I feel I am growing up and keeping in touch with that strong young woman I used to be. But I still wobble
Great thread.
Hugs to all.
I don't do holiday decorations for my own little apartment but I do surely enjoy decorations that others residential and commercial put up. I enjoy seeing our shared celebrations of hope and light.
My small extended family (adult son, and my boyfriend) is doing reasonably well, especially amidst pandemic. I don't have to fuss about buying presents for them. I give what $ I can to my son, even $50 can make a difference.
I've been happily humming holiday music. I don't burden myself with any "shoulds" during this time. If I want to lounge and read on a holiday - that is just lovely and fine.
I'm navigating the troubled waters of my survivors guilt concerning one of my sisters. She doesn't sound well. I believe that she needs to check in with physical and mental health care. I believe that she needs to stop giving money to con artists. I also know that this is not my circus. I've emailed her some resources, including the phone number for local crisis hot line. I can tell her what has worked for me. Otherwise I have to let this go.
I recently had some trauma flashbacks from reading an email from my sister. I was able to apply all my coping skills and then figure how (if at all) I wanted to respond. I feel good about my response. My sister may choose to add me to her growing list of supposed dark forces that she believes are attacking her. Nothing I can do about that.
Here is the real world, I know that if something she writes sounds very alarming, I can call local authorities and ask for a welfare check. Nothing is to that level yet. My sister appears high functioning even with all her distorted thinking and challenges.
So, I have some holiday wobblies. And I am doing okay. I'm able to find some humor daily. And I am grateful for what I do have.
Best wishes to all.
Hey Coyote23, thx so much for this thread - the wobblers seem to be gathering, helping each other find their center [or at least a more stable off-center].
My coping is somewhat different but it seems to help. I do in-home petsitting, go to them so it's a combined house/petsit. Some houses I like better than the pets and vice versa, but they all need care plus I get cash $$! Holiday travel varies but my clients book out well in advance to make sure I'm available when they need me. It does help break the routine, since there's the variety of pets and personalities. I have my own purries at home and they're much more independent than dogs, so I can tag in with them every other day while I'm sitting elsewhere and all is still well. They'll just cling like crazy for a few days once I unpack at home.
This year I'll actually be at home for Christmas, and as of next week will be boarding another kitty through Dogs on Deployment [https://www.dogsondeployment.org/], and will have him until the end of February. This one will likely be a repeat boarder, since his mom has a split duty rotation and is stationed not too far from me. That "visit" will be all voluntary and unpaid, but I like being able to keep a family together by boarding a purry child while their service mom or dad is deployed. If you have the time or space, I can highly recommend them whether for a dog, cat or mixed family of pets. Those homecomings are such good stuff and we all need more of that. [Plus the distraction of a visitor like that helps ease the holiday angst for everyone.] It's a different kind of volunteering that works so well with my life and heart!
I've never heard of the program that arranges pet care for service members, Moglow. Thank you for mentioning it and for doing it!
This will be my fourth DoD kitty, Poison Ivy! There's somewhat of a background check plus questionnaires before being approved as a boarder, then you can go online and see what pets need a place to stay or the service members can contact you themselves through DoD website.
The first one I fell all in love with but she got very aggressive towards one of my boys, so it made it easier for her to go back home when mom's deployment ended. Her mom was going to the desert for six months [and got extended due to issues there], so the deployments vary. Flexibility on the homefront helps!
But hey, it helps me and the pet parents as well, so we're all good!!
I just got the house setup and declutteres after flip flopping much of the contents from up to down and visa versa. Then had company for today weekend and not it's neat again and I am resisting the call to do Christmas decorations.
I told the kids we were going to get rid of at least half of what we have and go shopping for some new grown up things. Alot of what we have welas given to us by clients and people from where my pdh worked and relatives etc. Alot was used and aging when we got it and it's time for a reset.
I do like my tree, got a new one a couple years ago. Bought a new skirt for it a while back.
Hoping a reset with things my now college kids pick will be more in nspiring. I am be etween churches so will miss being in a choir.
Shopping , yikes it's already getting late.
I need fudge and popcorn balls.
1foot, if you were here I'd hook you up! One of our patients brings an assortment of munchy yummies every year and she's very generous with it. My last few moves I downsized then downsized some more, have so little to decorate with. BUT I have cats to it kind of limits the possibilities. One of them thinks everything is her toy and I have no desire to rescue Christmas trees for the next three weeks!
I do need to hunt down some indestructible but festive things for the house, thx for mentioning that!
I have a new cat this year. He just had his big boy day at the vets office and is recovering.
I had not even thought about Christmas with a young cat. Mercy.
This will be fun.
Thanks for this! This year, 2nd year post divorce is way different from last year. Very wobbly last year, in my new house so unfamiliar place trying to make it my own in a town where I didn't know anyone, an hour away from my family. I felt isolated and pretty depressed but trying to be happy and grateful to have my own home away from my crazy ex.
This year way different, hosted a Thanksgiving holiday in my newly renovated kitchen with most of my family and my two kids. It was so nice to not feel tense and waiting for the drama shoe to drop. My ex was notorious for ruining holidays. You couldn't even look forward to a holiday with him.
And a big plus, my kids had a great day, felt relaxed, they we're helpful. It's the way a holiday should be and I was over the moon happy. Last year they went out to dinner with my ex, and the kids were not happy doing that. We have a big family, lots of cousins they are close to on my side so it was always a tradition one of my siblings hosted Thanksgiving.
The only thing I feel bad about is now my two kids have to deal with him and his sour moods over the holidays.
I think someone mentioned new recipes, and I think I want to find some. A lot of the traditional things I eat on the holidays is stuff from my FOO and it either isn't that good to me, or it is good but makes me sad.
Is anyone going to try something new? Or something unconventional?
I also want to find a perfect coffee cake recipe, but I'm probably overthinking it.
Morrocan food! Their food is just LOVELY and very easy to cook. It's all in the spice mix and wonderful combinations of flavours. :uhhuh:
If you have a cat, I recommend a "Christmas wall tree." Just search it and you should get a lot of great pictures. I did one last year because of kitties and the toddler. This year we have a pine bough (fake) up high because same issues persist and we have no open wall space.
Quote from: Boat Babe on December 12, 2021, 04:28:00 PM
Morrocan food! Their food is just LOVELY and very easy to cook. It's all in the spice mix and wonderful combinations of flavours. :uhhuh:
Yum. Long ago and far away I studied Middle Eastern Dance (belly dance) and danced in a Moroccan restaurant.
Do you have a tagine on the boat?
No but I use my granny's cast iron casserole. Works a treat.
I think I might try roasting artichokes
Thank you so much for this thread. I really need this forum right now.
Christmas is going to be pretty depressing for me, mostly because I'm emotionally overwhelmed with new revelations about my family. I found out a few months ago that my enFather died (NPDmother died five years earlier). I found out by spying on my sister's social media page. She had no intention of telling me, and it became clear that she planned on ignoring her fiduciary duties as his trustee. Subsequently, I hired an attorney who sent her a very non-threatening letter reminding her that she has a deadline to perform these duties. She's now having a public meltdown that is actually making my NPD mother look like a saint. She's smearing me all over social media with horrific lies about what a monster I am.
I can deal with being smeared. What I'm having trouble dealing with is the realization that my sister has completely turned on me. We had been in friendly contact until my mother's death, now I don't recognize who she is. She's become my Nmother on steroids. So the toughest thing for me this year is coming to terms with the hard truth that I'll never see my siblings again. They both think the worst of me and there's no point in even trying to reach out to them. When family members have fallen victim to a smear campaign, game over, they're not coming back. I always knew there was a chance it would end that way, but I never imagined my sister would become a full-blown raging narc.
So I'm going into Christmas with all this trauma. I'm married, no children. I'll be at home with my husband on Christmas Day. Our marriage has been rocky for years and is more of a roommate situation at this point. He tries to be as supportive as he can but just doesn't get what I'm going through and really doesn't want to hear about it. From what I've read here, it seems that many of us have husbands who don't want to hear about it. I need the support of people who truly get it, and those people are right here.
As for Christmas day, I'm in a warm climate so will try to get outside and hopefully run into some of my wonderful neighbors. I live in a truly amazing neighborhood where everyone is close, many retired without children at home, so we all spend time together walking our dogs and chatting. My neighborhood is my happy place.
Thank you for giving me a place to vent. I feel so much better just letting that all out. Sending you all hugs of gratitude. I'm so grateful for all of the kindness and encouragement I've received from everyone in this forum.
:grouphug:
Quote from: Boat Babe on November 26, 2021, 05:05:07 PM
I am coming off anti depressants after 20+ years and so far so good.
Congratulations, Boat Babe. That's quite an accomplishment. I'm wishing you all the best with it.
I've been on benzos for over twenty years because I react very badly to anti-depressants. It's not the preferred treatment for severe anxiety but after trying every medication known to man, it remains the only thing that works. The good news is that I've managed to reduce my dose quite a bit, which is a huge accomplishment. I'll never be free of my anxiety, but it seems to have become more manageable, so I'm doing something right.
We're doing good! :applause:
Good to hear that Kathy.
I just mopped the living room in preparation for bringing the tree in.
It has taken along time but I am now ready. I plan to listen to Christmas music and eat Moose Munch and wrap gifts untilbtuebwee hours and bake tomorrow.
I made a hard to make visit yesterday and it went well and that is behind me now and a burden is lifted.
Moose munch 🥰 that'll take the edge off most anything and make a good day better! Someone brought us homemade caramel popcorn today - dunno how they did it but it's crunchy and wonderful!! (Glad the hard stuff is done.)
Hard wobble over here - SO ready to move on past Christmas!! Reading back over this has really helped me not feel so alone.
Peace to all!!
Whew. Solstice celebration went well with my daughter and husband. I was enjoying the time before SS came back. I love SS but he's a loud teen boy and it's a small house and his mother has been a huge thorn in our sides from day one. After the latest round I really do think she might have traits associated with antisocial personality disorder.
BM sent SS to a crowded movie theater the night before he arrived, after a Covid test that was supposed to be for our peace of mind. She has done everything she can to subtly smear us, but it seems like SS really missed us and is glad to be back.
My little FOC went to a nice restaurant with outside dining and good heat lamps last night. We have not been doing anything during the pandemic because we were waiting a long time for the under 12s to get vaccines. We just felt more comfortable waiting. It's so flipping nice to just go out to dinner as a family.
My estranged sister (because she sat on my daughter in a menacing, mocking way, made her cry, mocked her crying, then refused to apologize) sent us Sees Candy. At least, a stranger who addressed the package to Husband and Coyote Lastname sent the same sees mini Christmas boxes she did a few years ago. No apology to my daughter. Just candy with no card. Husband says, sister is trying to create a situation where you have to contact her.
I would not call this a Hoover because it's such a weak effort (that is so my family-they do the smallest thing to try to reestablish the same old relationship instead of making it right). I would call it a Mini Hoover. A Dirt Devil? Haha. I truly just made myself laugh there.
With my siblings, I don't think they really care when I estrange myself. Deep down I think they are relieved because they don't want a relationship with me but would never be the ones to say or initiate that. They'd rather see how shitty they can be to me before I set boundaries and declare ultimatums, which they walk away from. The whole thing is designed to make me feel lesser than-and it works more often than I would like.
Onward. Wrapping gifts. I made lasagna, seven layer magic bars (so good) Sicilian Whole Orange Cake (also delicious). We are doing crab Christmas Eve.
This thread has been really amazing. I love all of your stories. I think about you guys from time to time during my days and it's like we are all in this together from our little points on the globe.
I am waiting for my adult children and ex-husband to arrive later today. Last week, our older child had a scary health-related emergency. Our younger child chose to fly cross-country to be with older child. Both had been planning to come here this week, but their initial travel plans were disrupted. So ex-husband agreed to fly to the east coast, pick up both children and older child's dog, and drive them to our state. I'm very grateful to my younger child, my younger brother, my nieces, and older child's friends for helpingi older child and to my ex for stepping up, too. But I'm still kind of unsettled by older child's situation.
The odd PD behaviour is starting up! Quite often when we have a special holiday meal, my husband was will say "don't wait for me to eat" and if it's a work day, he'll be late coming home. What's with that? Does he want to see if we love him enough to wait? Does he enjoy coming in late to make an entrance? Does he have social anxiety? And then he said what about next year, since he may be away.
Replying for a second time, forgive me. :)
A youtuber I listen to the other day said, "My inner peace is the highest form of wealth." That resonated. Please, Santa, just a mega value meal of inner peace, stat.
I'm going to believe that I can one day come to a place of peace and creative resolution from having had a Nmom who was unable to love me. I have a beautiful, amazing, wonderful FOC and I am very, very thankful for that.
In the meantime, Christmas blows and I vote for second Halloween! LOL
I didn't start to feel the wobble until today.
I received the proposed settlement from stbxh's lawyer earlier this week. I have some difficult decisions ahead of me.
I'm trying to focus on the happy points: baking, church with DD, the peace of being in my own space, separate from the crazy making ways of uNPDh. But the divorce and those decisions are here, too, like an unwanted houseguest.
I thought of this thread, came back to read it. It helped.
Thank you, all.
Please post as much as you want or need all through the holidays! I know someone who has a spooky black Christmas tree with all Halloween ornaments! And she keeps it up all year.
Quote from: Amadahy on December 23, 2021, 11:14:00 PM
Replying for a second time, forgive me. :)
A youtuber I listen to the other day said, "My inner peace is the highest form of wealth." That resonated. Please, Santa, just a mega value meal of inner peace, stat.
I'm going to believe that I can one day come to a place of peace and creative resolution from having had a Nmom who was unable to love me. I have a beautiful, amazing, wonderful FOC and I am very, very thankful for that.
In the meantime, Christmas blows and I vote for second Halloween! LOL
Quote from: moglow on December 22, 2021, 10:47:52 AM
Hard wobble over here - SO ready to move on past Christmas!! Reading back over this has really helped me not feel so alone.
Peace to all!!
I see your wobble and raise you quiet crying in the kitchen.
Big hugs Mo.
Christmas is a little hard this year but not as bad as last year and for different reasons. I lost a friend who I met on Christmas Eve. We exchanged a small gift and a hug each year on Christmas Eve after singing choir music together.
I am enjoying the Holiday aspects, however the whether is super good for working outside and such and part of me wants to make progress on an over whelming backlog of projects etc
On the other hand my kids are out of college and home so I need to be patient with other stuff and spend time with them and travel to do an overnight with each of them. I am looking forward but at the same time it seems like a delay or procrastination.
My problem I know and it's feeling this way that is hard. Maybe it's that fact I am boxed in to needing to take advantage of them being home to travel that feels wrong.
Quote from: Boat BabeI see your wobble and raise you quiet crying in the kitchen.
Noted and understood. I was weepy driving back home from Christmas eve frivolity with my nephew and his inlaws - they're what I think a family should be and it's always fun. They do what they can to include us and make us part of theirs. It does help, and breaks the heart at the same time. I'm cooking a little something special for older brother after his very broad hint at work a few days ago, and heading to have Christmas dinner with he and sis in law in a bit.
Wishing all of you a blessed day!!
my kid had a meltdown yesterday taking it all out on me
I did get an apology & explanation....everything piling up such as loss of our dog in 2020, school stuff, pandemic, etc
however, no mention of loss of extended family
we had a quiet celebration today with just husband, kid, and I
hoping to talk them into getting another pet someday but they're not ready yet
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Wobbling right now and I imagine that kitchen crying is about an hour away.
I just returned from dinner at a friends. We have become close - she has an ex husband who is PD and we have really bonded this past year. Its comforting to have someone outside this forum to share with. But right now my DS is preparing to see his NPDgrandmom who we had to spend every Christmas with for 32 years. I don't miss the obligatory travel and grovel at her feet and I am grateful my DS does not see her NPD but just a loving grandmom. But I know what the dinner will be like and my DD will be there with my grand daughter. My DD does not return texts or call and we are very shaky with each other now. She has trauma bonded with my XOCPDh and is completely on his side.
So, I am sitting here now and trying to reframe this moment. Instead of poor poor me - perhaps its grateful for the quiet and the rum/coke? I'm going to try and make it work.
I'm a little wobbly, fussing too much in my mind about my uPD sister. I shifted brief NC back to LC and got hooked again on fretting. She emails waif/martyr/depressed and I tend to fall right into family line of thinking I need to help her.
Not my circus, not my monkeys. I sent her a list of resources and now am working to reclaim my day. Return to my regularly scheduled program. :)
I'm enjoying holiday music and tasty food. Had a nice visit with friend this morning. Also was able to get out for a walk before the next storm moves through.
My place is warm and cozy, clean and organized. I have some good books and movies available.
Reading through this thread helps as does the Toolbox. Also a sense of humor works. When my buttons get pushed I am now sometimes able to catch myself before I suit up as a rescuer. I can laugh and turn my attention back to myself and my own world.
Happy holidays everyone! I hope all of us get at least some nice moments, some enjoyment, a chance to breathe and enjoy.
All in all not a bad couple of days.
I really think that Updh doesn't like Christmas and I can feel him getting anxious. Yesterday he seemed a bit off. We had fun at friends' house last night... One minor issue with Updh that deescalated quickly thankfully.
Nice day with Updh and Ds today. DS got me a thoughtful gift which is always nice. Updh was low-key negative throughout gift opening which was disappointing.
About five years ago my uNPD elderly mother nearly died of complications following surgery. During her many months in hospital I went to see her in evenings, every night. On the Christmas Eve I spent the evening with her until she fell asleep, but the following day, Christmas, a blizzard hit and I didn't go. I was tired too and just wanted Christmas with my immediate family. I took a day off of visiting. When I went back on Boxing day my uNPD father was there and he was visibly enraged. He walked out of the room and wouldn't talk to me, mad that I hadn't visited my mother on Christmas day. He held that anger over me every time I visited them there after, often pouting and sneering when I'd walk in, and leaving the room. (She actually did not remember any of that Christmas as she was so ill and drugged, so for her it wasn't a big deal, but for my father a reason to act like he hated me.)
It's Boxing Day and all of the pain is coming back from this time.
It's the punishing that really hurts right now, and one of the main issues that pushed me to no contact. I can never seem to do anything right by him or my enabling sibling.
Generally I don't let these memories and where they led, to get to me this much, but this Christmas it really is hard, probably due to the added isolation of living in a city with very high Covid numbers.
I'm grateful that I can vent here and thank you for this thread. The holidays are certainly one of my hardest times and I'm sure struggling tonight.
This is just what I need for a debrief. Small family gathering went fine. Then time to be alone again, since I live alone. Wobble, wobble. Feeling some hollowness and grief. Just passed the 2 yr mark for NC with PDx. Reconnecting calls to me. I know I'd be sorry. 99.9% sure of that. Doesn't matter. It calls to me anyway. I'm really not worried that I won't be able to resist.
So nice to be able to come here instead! Tell someone who understands. Thanksgiving through Christmas is the hard time. It should start getting better now. I hope. I hope so for all of you, too. Love to you! :hug:
I can relate to a pd being negative during gift opening.
I noticed it and it took me a few years to realize my pdh was low key jealous of the kids having so many packages to unwrap. We just exchanged a main item and each kid selected something for us.
I had to start buying and wrapping inexpensive things for my supposedly adult pdh.
This year I bought him a case of assorted snack chips, and a 4 pack of tins of shortbread cookies, hot sauce, and a big can of peanuts so he would have as many packages as the kids.
Sigh.
I just wanted to check in. For me, this "dead week" between Christmas and New Year's may be the toughest. The run-up to Christmas was so busy, in a good way, with baking, visiting family and friends, and spending time with the children. However, this week, the kids are with their uPDf. We won't be getting together with my FOO until next weekend. Everyone in that group tends to go to their in-laws, for the holidays, with our gathering typically being the afterthought. I've come to accept that's just how it will always be. I'm keeping busy with end of year tasks for my business, and getting my house in order. I'm trying to stay focused on being mindful, and appreciate the alone time that I so rarely get throughout the year. Plus, it could end at any moment, with DS still wanting to minimize contact with his uPdf. I'm guessing he's still there because it's expected, and he gets a break during the day, while his f goes to work. I do hope they are enjoying themselves, and the drama has been kept to a minimum.
On the positive, I still have an ongoing relationship, and am seeing where that goes. We had most of the past weekend to ourselves, as our respective children went with the other parent. It was a much-needed and restful break. Between us, we have a lot of logistics in coordinating all our moving parts. I'm not sure where the relationship will lead in the upcoming year, but I'm ok with that. It was nice to spend some quiet time with someone who is kind, easy going, and low drama.
Best wishes to you all in the new year!! Here's to healing and peaceful 2022!
Happy happy New Year! Thank you everyone for posting. I learned so much from the thread and really benefitted from listening to people who frequent the boards I'm not usually on-like those with UPD partners. My wish for everyone is that we have a good year, a solid year, full of growth and snatchable moments of joy.
What do you call 40 plus people wobbling in unison?
Dancing. I call it dancing.
Dance on, my beautiful friends.
Thank you for this beautiful sentiment Coyote - wishing you a wonderful new year as well!
QuoteWhat do you call 40 plus people wobbling in unison?
Dancing. I call it dancing.
Dance on, my beautiful friends.
LOVE this!! :grouphug: