Stuck in between.

[Associate of Daniel]

I seem to have reached a point where I've accepted that the abuse from my uNPD ex H and his uNPD wife isn't going to stop.

It is what it is. I can label most aspects of it and usually it doesn't upset me too much, unless it's especially bad or an especially long period.

So small memories of my marriage itself seem to be flashing into my mind lately. It's like God is telling me it's time to deal with the marriage. Until now it hasn't seemed important to do because all my energy was needed to deal with abuse occurring since the marriage.

The memories shock me. How could he have done/said that and treated me so badly? How can anyone do that? How can he have been so selfish and immature? I must have dreamt the craziness, surely.

It hurts anew, and perhaps even more so with the benefit of hind sight. I don't want to think on these things. I want to forget them. I don't want to be hurt all over again by the memories.

Do I have to do this? Or can I heal without it?  My marriage wasn't "real". It's not likely I'll have another relationship and if I do I'm determined it won't be with another pd.

Just ruminating on my stuckness...

AOD

[findjoy81]

I do believe that if you don't deal with things, they will continue to manifest in your life in some way. 
Not to say that you have to relive all the crap you went through, but sometimes it takes revisiting some of it from a more healthy place to be able to fully heal. 
I know it took me doing that with my therapist to get beyond some things.
I also know that healing is a long term process.  I have also gone through some healing ministries through my church, which has also helped me immensely. 
Not to say I'm fully healed, sadly I'm still stuck dealing with him continuing to manipulate and come after me; so there's new hurts to try to move past as well as some of the old ones.  It's not an easy path to try to face these things, but I do believe that ignoring will not end well.

[athene1399]

AoD,

It takes a lot of courage to talk about your uncertainties the way you did.  Also, if you feel like it is time to work through some of your past, perhaps look into a T who can help guide you. That may make the experience less scary. And I am sorry that your ex and his wife continue to abuse you. It is probably difficult realizing that even though you tried to get away from him, in some ways you cannot.  But you show a lot of strength! And you have your Faith to help you, too. But until you really start to process it, the flashbacks probably won't stop. It is a sign that you need to work through some things that you are "stuck" on. Which can be scary and hurtful and difficult. And it's one of those things where it will be uphill for a bit, but once you start making progress it will feel so good! It sounds like you are taking the first steps just thinking about it. You should be proud. 

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Associate of Daniel,

I have come to understand these as necessary moments during the grieving process.

We resist the pain, because we are wise and we know the pain hurts. I don't know if we can heal, without accepting that we were indeed, hurt by something.

I speak as someone who, as recently as December, could not imagine these episodes of painful memories being something I could work with instead of resist with all my being. Thinking about myself as someone whose entire being, body mind and spirit are grieving, and needs to grieve, has helped me considerably, with the memories that keep coming up. It allowed me to accept the need for a cry, in the same way that sometimes we need a rest, a stretch, a sugary treat, a walk, a laugh, etc...

I also speak as someone who was totally irritated by advice to 'light a candle' etc. to help myself during these moments. Looking back, I think that was because I didn't want to be alone when I had these memories come up. I wanted someone there to support me. To hold space, to use the Brene Brown idea. It will get easier. Trust your body to release the pain of these things by crying, or doing a bit of ruminating at times, try to trust your mind and your body that it wants these things processed and out of your day to day thoughts too. I am now someone who lights a candle when I feel something weighty come up, and let it burn and when I blow the candle out, it feels like I can step back into the present a bit easier. But that took time. I tried to rush it, and all I got was annoyed with myself! Hang in there.