Getting over triggers

[Worthy One]

Hi everyone!
It's been a while since I've been on this forum.  I have been no contact with my abusers for 5 years now, and am doing so much better.  My problem is I still get feelings of inadequacy and being unloved when triggered by something.  I need help, because it's affecting my children, and I don't want that for them. 

Here's what happened.  My younger son, who is 18 bought himself an iPad.  He gave his Father his old one, and my husband said, "My son loves me".  That I'm ashamed to say made me feel jealous and unloved by my son.  This feeling of constantly giving to those around me, without anything in return.  I made my son feel guilty.  I explained to him that I always feel like that, due to my past.  I grew up the scapegoat, and was always shown that I was unwanted.  An example of this is when my mother invited my brother to Thanksgiving and not me.  The next day she bragged about it.  Things like that happened to me throughout my childhood.  I've cut them out of my life, but still carry this pain.  It's like a cut, that when touched by something bleeds.  Right now, I'm crying as I write this, because I'm tied of feeling this way about myself!  I don't want my children to be subjected to my past trauma.  Any thoughts on this matter would be appreciated.  Thanks and be well!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Welcome back, Worthy.  I soooo relate.  I just wrote a post about this exact thing yesterday in the Working On Us forum.  I won't repeat everything, but working with a trauma counselor and getting in touch with my anger seems to be a gateway to some movement for me.  These deeply ingrained early messages have been so hard to heal!

[Worthy One]

Thanks so much for the advice!  I felt ashamed of myself for posting this yesterday, after I wrote it.  I thought it sounded childish.  Only someone who has experienced narcissistic abuse gets me.  I have been no contact with my abusers for 5 years, but can't tell others.  They see me as such a bad person for leaving my family.  I am convinced going no contact saved my life.  Thanks again!

[JackieO]

Hi worthyone.  I so relate to your story and the guilt.    Narcs create trauma bonding through a cycle,  They love bomb you, then devalue you , then abuse.  The one thing you can count on is that this is how they have relationship. I recently discovered Inner Integration with Meredith Miller on youtube.   Her episode called The Narcissistic Family Cult hit home for me.  You are wanting to break the cycle with your kids.  Good for you!  Your kids  are worth doing the work.     

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Now that I'm getting much more in touch with my emotions, I'm aware of ones that feel like a small child....hurt, jealousy, outrage.  I felt really bad about seeming so "emotionally immature" at first.  But, heck, I WAS a young child when those traumas occurred.  So I don't call them childish anymore.  I think of them as childlike, or inner child stuff. 

I figure I can be accountable for my behaviors as an adult, and also accept ALL my emotions that come asking to be healed.  Even the ones that are not mature, or proportionate to the situation, or "nice."  Funny enough, since I've recently started being so much more accepting of them, my emotions have been much less volcanic. 

[GettingOOTF]

I can relate to your story too. You have nothing to feel ashamed of. I would have reacted in a very similar way.

As I grew up the scapegoat I never expected any thing from anyone so no one have me anything. I don't think it was because they didn't care about me I think it was because that's how I set myself up. People were simple reacting to my expectations. This may be the case here. Do you feel that your role is to only do for others?  It took a long time and was hard but I slowly started letting people know my feelings and needs and slowly people started responding.

So many of us here have been through what you have. As children in these hikes we learn to be ashamed of our feelings. There is no need to ever feel shame here. There is always support and understanding. Speaking our truth is how we heal. The woman JackieO mentions talks a lot about this. I found her podcasts very enlightening.

[Concerned One]

My mum did that too. Recently. I haven't spoken to my big brother for ten years and hadn't spoken to little brother for three. Yet they all went to dinner as a family. I wasn't even invited. Yet she's always going on to me about making things up with them.