Waiting

[Lauren17]

UBPDh's family is a disaster.  Don't post about them much because DD and i are VVLC with them. Does H have a PD himself, or is he so thick with fleas that you can't tell the difference? I don't know. I do know that his PD behaviors magnify significantly whenever he spends time with them.
Normally the covert passive aggressive flares. And he hits all the buttons and digs in until he gets a response out of me. Last time, it took him nearly a week to get his response.
He just returned home from a visit. So far, he's been fairly pleasant. But I'm waiting and watching and wondering. I'm tense and having trouble focusing.
Looking for suggestions on how to cope with anxiety of wait g for PD behavior without letting my guard down.

[Samuel S.]

I am so very sorry you are dealing with his PD behavior when it is his problem and not yours! What have you tried to do in order to make sure he is able to express himself without lashing out onto you?

What I have tried to do with my PD wife is to let her vent, but if and when she decides to lash out onto me, I just tune out. Sometimes, I can tune out, although there are times that she decides to lash out more so. Then, that is when I just try to tactfully leave the room. I don't need her toxicity.

[tommom]

Lauren, I don't know if it would work for your H, but it can and does sometimes with mine. I will ask about what is going on with him in the most pleasant and caring way. (If he comes back at me in an unpleasant tone, I'm straightforward about stopping that without any yelling or recrimination...simply, "Your tone is unacceptable" or "I'll talk to you when you can be civil" something like that and disengage.) But I ask him if he has a problem, sweetly, often with a loving endearment added on (even if I don't feel it.)

It often diffuses it. Don't know if that might feel unsafe for you, etc. but it tends to work particularly when it's coming from his fleas. (H also has a very PDFOO.) My h also suffers from depression (in fact I think it may be a form of bipolar disorder) so I have to handle that more gently -and more distanced- when he's down.

As for waiting...well, that why that book talks about eggshells, huh? I would just go on, prepared to deal with it when it comes. If it is going to happen, it will. I wouldn't (and I know how hard this is, for sure) let the anticipation of his behaviors dictate my feelings. Samuel is right, it is HIS problem. Just go on and take it on when (or if) it gets there,

Good luck!! 

[SparkStillLit]

You know, I used to set updh off on purpose so he'd blow up and get back to- well, let's not say normal. Let's just say he would stop polluting the house with bad mood.
That was SO BAD for me, though. Then I was the one who felt terrible after he dumped his garbage all over me. He got to be all bright (for like two minutes until he had another emotion he needed to offload).
I just quit that. He needs to handle his own stuff. If he pollutes, I go where he isn't. I do NOT ask what's wrong. If he starts a rant, I validate/GTFO. If he goes after me, I do similar except I've gotten more...I don't even know. I'm going to post about it, it's a whole other thing about his taking out after me.
The thing is, I'm not buying into it anymore. It hurts me, and I'm sick of getting hurt.

[Lauren17]

What have i tried to encourage open communication? I've done all the things. Open questions, gentle tone, "I" statements.
When he returns from a visit, I will ask after parents. They are always "ok". Even the time FIL had just gotten out of a week in ICU? He was ok.
H doesn't lash out with words, he doesn't rage, he only rarely vents. He is much more insidious than that. Instead, the lashing out goes like this.
H offers to do dishes, but doesn't. Then acts offended I did them myself. He says he'll be home from work at 6;00 but shows at midnight with no call/text. He empties the hot water tank so I get a cold shower. And on and on and on. Until my GR/MC wears thin and I show any type of hurt or anger. Then he's satisfied for a while and things settle back down.

[SparkStillLit]

OOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!! Nasty!!!
Let's see. Let me think back a bit. Updh is way more aggressive than this.

[BettyGray]

Does H have a PD himself, or is he so thick with fleas that you can't tell the difference? I don't know. I do know that his PD behaviors magnify significantly whenever he spends time with them.
Normally the covert passive aggressive flares.

I too struggle with this dichotomy. DH is a wonderful and I think he has fleas that are worse sometimes than others. He isn't PD, but can exhibit certain traits. Definitely worse the more time he spends with either parent.

MIL is just 24/7 fire-alarm walking anxiety monster. DH picks that up and turns into a much less fun person. FIL is super uptight and selfish. Guess how that rubs off? All in all, the older and more fearful they get, he does too.

Sometimes the negativity and complaining drives me out of my mind. Especially during the pandemic, where we see basically just each other. He sees his parents and now talks to them every day, as they are having health problems.  No joy in him. Forget about my needs. He can't see past his own misery. It is exhausting.