Futile contact attempts

[IWasNeverReallyHere]

With it being Father's Day today, it has no meaning for me nor any relevance. I'm not a father myself and my own father is well, almost a missing person.

He has been passive aggressive towards me all year. He used to transfer money into my account each month but suddenly stopped doing so without an explanation. I didn't ever ask for the money, nor did he tell me he was depositing it. I only got the notification from the bank and saw the source of the deposit.

He complained of not being thanked enough for the money. I thanked him maybe once a year but was not going to thank him regularly for money I didn't ask for.

I suppose he decided to up his passive aggressive behaviours by becoming nonresponsive and totally silent. I had not heard from him for three months. My city is in and out of lockdowns and he is an aging man living remotely and isolated.

I gave him an ultimatum that he had 2 days to get in touch with me or I would organise a police welfare check on him. If he did not want the police at his door, he should send me a text saying so. That is all he had to do.

The 2 days elapsed with no word from him. The police visited and he was not home at the time. A few hours later, he presented himself at the police station furious and complained of being controlled and this was abuse from me. The officers asked me if he had a mental illness. I told them he was a narcissist and neurodiverse also and very isolated.

He did text me later fuming and making no sense whatsoever. All he had to do was text me he was okay to prevent all this but clearly that rationale was far gone.

So that was that and two months later he admitted himself to hospital, probably due to a high level of anxiety. A doctor rang my brother and expressed concern about his cognitive state but sent him home. I have sent my father a couple of texts recently and rang him but the phone is always off. No response from him.

I don't know any of his neighbours. I'm quite certain it is passive aggressive behaviour and I know there is not a lot more I can do, other than someone travelling out there. I don't think I'm trying to coerce him out of his silent treatment, I'm just passing information onto him while genuinely being a concerned son but getting absolutely nothing in return.

Eventually, the time will come when another police check is required. It's frustrating and it's hurtful but I also know his behaviour doesn't really have anything to do with me.

[Writingthepain]

I suspect the point of this behaviour is to make you drop your whole life in the city, rush to his side and be his 24/7 carer.

Thus far despite his various attempts to achieve this, you've not responded as you should.
It's a control technique

[SunnyMeadow]

Your last sentence pretty much sums it up. Their behavior has nothing to do with us. Everything is all about them. Depositing money into your account? I see it as trying to prompt you into action, into communication. You not acknowledging these monetary gifts may have really upset him enough to stop bothering with it. I would have stopped also.

Although, if the doctor was concerned about his cognitive state, these actions may not be a passive aggressive thing. Maybe he is having mental issues. His recent text that makes no sense could be a clue that this is a medical issue. My father in law has gone through a startling decline and would have no idea how to pick up the phone to call.

[IWasNeverReallyHere]

Writingthepain -
Could I ask you to elaborate on your comment that despite his various attempts to achieve this, I have not responded as I should...
What should I be responding to?

[IWasNeverReallyHere]

SunnyMeadow - Yes, my comment was rude, I'm sorry about that and my tone, I was in a bad head space yesterday, I did not mean to insult anybody.

I agree that the monetary deposits are an attempt to get a response from myself. However, I don't see it as my obligation to acknowledge them consistently or express my thanks when I do not ask for them. On the other hand, I don't ask that he stops the deposits either. There is also no way to return the money should I want to. I believe he gives me the money out of guilt, though I have not received any from him in some time.

I ended up speaking to my father recently on the phone. Contrary to what he has expressed over the last six months, he was supposedly pleased to hear from me. I believe all of his behaviours are attempts to draw attention to himself and elicit whatever sympathy he can get.

[SunnyMeadow]

Thank you for your apology. Sadly, being in a bad head space is common when dealing with these difficult parents.

I agree that he's trying to elicit sympathy, seems to be a classic move from PD parents. I could write a book on the ways my mother does this very thing. They are so confusing and difficult to deal with. I've found tools here that help me get through our relationship with the least amount of anxiety. I hope the ideas posted by others are helpful for you as well.

[Leonor]

Hi I was never,

How come he has access to your bank account?

Sounds like dad's gifts are tied with strings.

It may be that he interprets these gifts as payments, or at least as a "reason" for why you should be "nice to" him.