Petty Mind Games

[Basil Bachelorette]

I have written previously about my roommate on this forum. He is someone who is all persona, and little actual personality and no vulnerability. He always acts like everything is cool, even when it's not. Over the course of a year, he had ten different jobs, which he lost because of someone else's fault. When I used to engage him in conversation, he would always change his mind every time I agreed with him, and then challenge me every time I had a firm opinion. Around the beginning of February, I stopped following his pattern, and would instead change the topic of conversation.

We got into a pretty intense fight in February over dish soap. It was bizarre because I organized the list on the fridge and was constantly keeping track of what he bought and updating the list for him. When I had to write a new list because a new roommate, another girl, arrived, I made a point of asking him if there was anything he bought that wasn't accounted for. Even though I initially had asked him to mark down items on the list, he never did, and he never said anything; it was always up to me to notice he'd bought something and mark it down. The night before the fight, I noticed he bought a bottle of dish soap, even though he'd already bought one more than me, and so I marked it down for him.

Then the next day, we get into a fight over who had bought the bottle that was almost empty. That fight was fairly understandable; that is in retrospect I can see how he might have thought he bought it. At the time though, I felt an intense need to stand up for the fact that I had bought said bottle. The fight ended with me telling him to mark it down on the list if he was so certain. Later, I apologized to him for losing my cool, and noticing that the list hadn't changed, asked if we were cool, to which he said we were, and I believe we even high fived later that day.

But the next day, he brought it up again out of the blue, asking me of all things, if I had bought the soap, why I hadn't marked it on the list. This fight was weird. I told him in our first fight that I always marked whatever I bought on the list. Now he was acting as though he had even noticed it before, and directly contradicting what I had told him I always do. He also made vague accusations of my trustworthiness and accountability. I also had the impression during this fight, that much of what I was saying was non-existent, like, he was not hearing me at all, his eyes were glazed over without emotion, and he was reading from an internal script.
Later in my room, I sent him a text message saying how bizarre it was he was accusing me of all this, given how much care and attention I put into the list, that he must be mad at me for something else. He conceded that he was mad at me for making passive aggressive remarks all the time. I asked him to be specific, to which he refused, saying he didn't have to be, to which I replied he did have to if he was accusing me of it and it was a problem. He said that if I didn't know which remarks, it was a sign of how unconscious I was, and that normally he was above such behavior and let it slide off his back (clearly  ). The text fight ended with him saying it was all 'gay' and that normally he would have deleted a girl's number at this point, so I should consider myself lucky.

That was in the middle of February, and since then I've gone Medium Chill with him, and all has been well. But, lately I've noticed something. When new roommates move in, I ask us to follow a system of stacking our dishes so that we can keep track of our own. Last week, I noticed a small pot which I used and put in my stack had been moved to our other roommate's pile, the night after this first roommate had done dishes. And this week, while our other roommate was away, a bowl I used disappeared, making me think perhaps he had cleaned it, but then it re-appeared on the counter a couple days later. I almost thought that he had used it, but then I noticed it had one of the pieces of rosemary in it I had used for my food. And finally, the week before. a medium pot I had used for bechamel sauce was stacked inside the extra-large pot he had used with a large lid covering it, so I thought he had used it and forgot it was mine. That is until this morning when he left two piles of rice on the counter. I messaged him about this in the group chat, and he countered by saying that whoever cooked mac and cheese should clean the medium pot then. I then detailed the bizarre movement of the pot, and how it had confused me.  He replied jokingly that he did this to spread confusion. But then he said he didn't move dishes.  Just to be certain, I asked the other roommate, now returned, just now if she had moved the little pot on that one occasion, and she said no.
I am having trouble believing this is all deliberate though.  Why would anyone play such petty mind games?! And the thing is, he is not a bad roommate otherwise. He does buy amenities after all and does his dishes. When we talk about people with PD, it always seems to me it has to be something at stake in these mind games, such as with a romantic coupling or family drama.  Does anyone have any similar experiences?

[bloomie]

Basil - it sounds like you are doing your level best to keep things clear, fair, and avoid confusion that could lead to misunderstanding and discord. The challenge seems to be in the small details of your roommate updating the systems and keeping belongings sorted.

I am wondering if the systems are still working for everyone? Could the seemingly passive aggressive behavior be a push back by your roommate with them having to be direct?

[Basil Bachelorette]

I am wondering if the systems are still working for everyone? Could the seemingly passive aggressive behavior be a push back by your roommate with them having to be direct?

Yes, I have thought about that. Like, perhaps my roommate has difficulty advocating for himself, and he lets his resentment build up until there is an opportunity to express it?

 In the group chat, he also made a point of how he did his dishes more often than either of us. But then, if his resentment is that we aren't clearing the counter enough, why would he move dishes around so that someone forgets which is theirs and it stays on the counter longer? Seems counterproductive. The whole point of the stack system is to avoid this.  Also, instead of stacking his dishes he will sometimes just leave identical containers lying next to each other, taking up space, which just baffles me!
 
Perhaps he is more emotionally motivated though? Like, if he doesn't believe his concerns will be treated fairly, he'll find a way instead to express his frustration, but also have an ace up his sleeve, such as with the pot? 

I feel so neurotic writing out all this detail about dishes! 

[Catothecat]

Honestly, when he said he did something to "spread confusion" I don't think he was really joking. Sounds more like he was button pushing.  He keeps doing it because you respond to it. 

He may not have a full-blown PD.  He may just be someone who has found a sense of power in playing these petty games, since they're essentially "safe" and easy to deny.  Why he does it--who knows?  But it's disruptive and I think it's a safe bet to say he won't stop now that he's started.  For people like this, there's always something. 

[Basil Bachelorette]

Now there are dishes strewn about all over the counter, so that there is no space! I am talking a plate, next to a bowl, next to several mugs. It feels deliberate.

He keeps doing it because you respond to i

The problem is, I am honestly frustrated by it. I can't pretend it doesn't annoy me. All I can do at this point is communicate as best I can with the reasonable roommate. And even if we resolve this issue, if this really is his motivation, he will surely find something else to do.

[Basil Bachelorette]

Update: My other roommate told me yesterday about all the conversations she'd been having with our roommate which were making her uncomfortable. Basically, she is now where I was earlier in the year when I decided to go MC with him. We ended up swapping notes, and realized we had much of the same concerns and noticed similar patterns in his behavior, not about dishes but interpersonal dynamics in general. All this to say, I am no longer concerned about him, because I feel that if there are any issues, her and I can handle it together. 

Thank you Cat and bloomie for your input!

[Aingeal]

It sounds like your roommate is gaslighting you 🙁 The narcs in my life do this too - it's to make you think that it's you who has a problem not them .... And I believe they do it for the narc entertainment value.  Narcs want YOU to question your own sanity when in reality the narc is orchestrating entire scenarios to make you feel like you're forgetful or argumentative etc. so the narcissist feels normal. 

They are pure evil - please don't fall for their shenanigans - he's just messing with you/your mind.  I had an ex do this and then I started making notes/taking photos so I knew when things were moved or lights were turned back on (used to get yelled at for leaving the porch light on all night until I started documenting everything).

There is an old movie about this called "Gaslight" with Ingrid Bergman - I copied the description below.  Please don't let him get to you - that's exactly what he wants....

GASLIGHT 1944     After the death of her famous opera-singing aunt, Paula (Ingrid Bergman) is sent to study in Italy to become a great opera singer as well. While there, she falls in love with the charming Gregory Anton (Charles Boyer). The two return to London, and Paula begins to notice strange goings-on: missing pictures, strange footsteps in the night and gaslights that dim without being touched. As she fights to retain her sanity, her new husband's intentions come into question.

The movie stars Ingrid Bergman as a naive, sweet young woman named Paula who as a young girl witnessed the murder of her beloved aunt (and guardian) at their home. Years later, in Italy, she meets and marries dashing Gregory (Charles Boyer), who returns with her to London to live in the house she inherited from her aunt, which is also the house where the murder occurred.
But slowly, over time, Paula begins to doubt her sanity. Gregory tells her that she's becoming forgetful and fitful, acting in irregular ways. He confines her to the house, and tells everyone she's not well. At night she hears knocking in the walls. She sees the gas lighting dim. But he tells her she's imagining things.

lets Gregory off the hook by painting him as less of a sociopath and more of a very determined and innovative thief — the scenes in which Gregory is flat-out lying to Paula, cooly watching her come to pieces, are utterly chilling. It's abuse, and an insidious kind, since the abuser doesn't leave any marks.
The term "gaslighting" comes from the movie, and so its definition is rather specific: when a person lies for their own gain to another person so repeatedly and with so much confidence that the victim begins to doubt her own sanity. And, as the film puts it, a bit of Stockholm Syndrome develops as well: The victim, now uncertain that she can perceive reality correctly, becomes dependent on the gaslighter, more attached to him than ever.
And if you can stomach watching Gaslight, it's a useful reminder that just because you feel like you're going crazy doesn't mean you are.