Highly triggered & need help

[DaisyGirl77]

I honestly have no idea where to put this so I'm putting it here.  Mods, please move to a more suitable forum if there's one.

To preface, uNM is one of six kids.  Three of them have passed so far.  #4 is teetering on the edge as of the last I've heard.  The kids left in uNM's generation is #2 (uncle), #5 (uNM), & the teetering sibling I'll call #6 since he's last in birth order.

uNM has a PD mother.  She's more the Queen/Waif type.  I haven't been in contact with her since her epic performance at #1's deathbed nine years ago, in which I had to yell at her for how horrific her behavior was.  #6 & #2 are both estranged from Queenie, for excellent, excellent reasons that are not mine to share, but which involve some abuse no child should experience & a ton of neglect (that all six kids experienced).  This is an open secret in the family.  We grandkids know pieces that our respective parents have shared with us through the years & we have had, in some cases, 40+ years to come to terms with this information.  The cousin in question (#6's oldest) has had probably 24 hours, & also dropped what she considered the worst bit of information into the group chat.  Some of us have speculated that this may have happened with certain members in this lineup, & with this little "bombshell" dropped, it was confirmed.

"Becky" broke the news yesterday that her dad was on his deathbed.  At the time, doctors said if he made it through the next 48 hours, he'd have a shot at living, but told her to prepare for end of life ceremony.  I asked/offered people to shield her & her sister from Queenie, which was gladly accepted.  Come to find out, Queenie remains in the dark about #6 & this is done purposefully in respect to #6's chosen path (estrangement) within the family.  Becky later expressed wishing she knew answers to questions she'd asked her father growing up--ones he refused to answer.  So a number of us shared what we knew privately in order to help fill in the blanks, which resulted in her little news drop.

This resulted in such a negative effect on my psyche that I was deeply concerned for my wellbeing at several points last night with the physical effect it had on my heart at several points & debated going to the hospital.

Now she's upset that none of us had a reaction to this piece of information, & is now withholding information about her father from the group chat "to protect my father's peace."  Instead, she's demanded we each send her a message privately asking for an update.  So I made several points:

1) she's had ~24 hours to process this news v. those of us who've had decades,
2) she's biting the hand that fed her the information she ASKED us for & is now upset with us for sharing what we know,
3) I will not be chasing down news on her father because this is an utterly ridiculous move,
      i) There are so many people on this side of the family that 20+ PMs/day would have a negative effect on her time
      ii) She has a two month old at home.  Does she REALLY want to be overwhelmed with 20+ separate messages or save her time by sending ONE?  This is quite short-sighted.
4) the lack of response simply means
      i) we either already knew or already suspected as much so there is no surprise to be had,
      ii) some of us haven't seen the latest yet,
      iii) this does not mean that those of us who've been around more frequently since the news broke care more than the others who haven't,
5)  we have been drip-fed this knowledge over several decades while she got whammied with all of it simultaneously,
6)  genuinely & sincerely speaking, she could benefit from therapy if she's having trouble processing all this new information.

I've since made the decision to completely withdraw from the chat & that account for an extended period of time due to the level of reactivity I'm feeling physically.  I can't handle any more exposure to any of it, & I've decided that my attempts to build closeness & heal the multitude of rifts & fractures within that side of the family are a waste of energy (as it was when I tried doing the same on my father's side--oh, how naive I was...lol) & I cannot continue hoping for this toxic waste of a family to heal when things are so damaged due to generational trauma & the neglect & abuse Queenie heaped onto her half dozen children until they were able to get out.  I have to (finally) put this hope out of its misery so I can continue to heal, on my own, away from this side, too, & forge my own path & create my own family from the people who enter my life.  I have to also abandon this side of the family.

I did accidentally go into this account (I thought I'd already logged out) & spotted part of a message from Becky saying something like, "I'm sorry you took it that way."   ...I remain steadfast in not chasing people for information that won't be freely given.  I've been there, done that way too many times & it's always been grossly disrespectful to me as a person (to everyone, in general) to have to harass others for information that should simply be shared, no questions asked.  So, again, I am removing myself from the fake power struggle this is setting up.

__________

As an aside, I began writing this last night when I wasn't thinking clearly because it was all still so fresh.  I am much better now, especially after spending 2.5 hours data dumping this with a friend of mine before jumping completely off the rails into other subjects the rest of the time.  But I am still hurt & angry & mildly betrayed that this pattern continues to perpetuate itself, & that I, again, have to lose even more family after I, once again, engage in good faith efforts to build a bridge when it was asked for.  So...even though I remain concerningly stressed out, I think I've decided to do what certain others have done & walk away for my own mental & physical health.

As of right now, there has been no news.  I'm assuming the 48 hour mark has passed & my uncle remains alive.  If so, I hope he makes it.


Words of wisdom or whatever you've got on your heart are welcome, whatever they may be.  Thanks for listening to my bruised & battered heart's rambling.

[moglow]

I'm going with, everyone processes news at a different rate. Plus as you mentioned, this was all new for cousin and she may have had no clue at all that others were already aware. Her father on the brink as it were, there's a lot going on. She may have felt she would be bombarded with questions - or may have so many of her own - when she's well and truly reeling herself.

I've been given dribs and drabs of info about mine/ours, some if it completely blindsiding me. Some I suspected others were aware if and could confirm. Other things I thought no one else knew, only to find not only did they know but they could fill in other blanks for me. It was rare that having those conversations didn't send me reeling, sometimes much worse than others.

Given the information I've gained, I truly wonder that no one stopped my mother. No one (to my knowledge) ever called her out. No one protected us from her. We were well and truly on our own in her family - and they all KNEW and have talked about it, for many years. BUT our family is heavily fractured. There's little/no contact with our cousins other than funerals, and mother is the last one standing in her generation. All her siblings and their spouses are gone - we're the only ones with a parent still living. And frankly I'm pretty sure she's the worst of the bunch. So we may be shut out by cousins rather by default.

All that to say - I see these as generational traumas. We were all trained by the elders and that's hard to overcome. I'm sure some have same traits if not full blown pd like those elders. Others have worked hard to build better lives and relationships. Feeling like you're on the outside looking in, as I'm sure some do, is hard. It's lonely. Even scary in some ways, wondering what's out there yet to be revealed. There's a  insecurity that "they know and never told me" and "they knew and did nothing to help me" which may or may not be true.

Be gentle with yourself and do what you need to find your peace. I'd lay odds you truly aren't alone in it but may just need some time for it to settle, as do your cousins. When all else fails I tend to remind myself, be careful what you ask for. You just may get it.

I'm here with you.

[blacksheep7]

Hi DaisyGirl77,

I'm sorry this is happening to you. You did the right thing to protect yourself. 

It is alot of information for your cousin to process at the same time as her father being on his deathbed. Over whelming it would seem to me.  Of couse she shouldn't have that attitude towards you. Defense mechanism, there surely is something deeper.

People react differently. She could even be angry at her father who has never shared the news.  Who knows.

I know from my experience before going nc  that  I have changed my ways in reaction to certain stressful situations. I am no longer over emotional .

She might come back eventually.

Best wishes

[DaisyGirl77]

Thank you for your words of comfort. I needed to hear them.

It's nearly a week after the news broke and I am still highly reactive (lizard brain is in charge) and I remain news-less as to how my uncle is doing, so I'm operating under the assumption that no news is good news. I reached out to a different cousin to do a gut check—she didn't want to discuss the situation in depth but did say we shared the same thoughts. I was just the one with the cojones to say so while the others remained silent.

Moglow, I see this as generational trauma as well. I have empathy for Queenie as she was a young woman in '30s-'70s USA, dealing with being unable to buy a car, rent/buy a house, have a bank account or credit card solely under her name. She HAD to have a man as signatory on all this to survive. And yet she had the wherewithal/gumption to marry AND DIVORCE three times in a period where divorce was unheard of, AND when she had no adult male relative to turn to to help with the basics for her and her six children. So good on Queenie for having the strength to do this in a time when women were hobbled.

But none of this excuses her abuse or her neglect of her children, as I've maintained all this time. I think the thing that has me more upset is the implication Becky made in her "I don't know which is worse, the abuse my father went through or the fact no one is reacting to it." (Paraphrased, so don't flag me, y'all.) ...Like we condone this specific type of abuse in the first place, which we don't. There is none. The suggestion that we do condone it by our silence is...incredibly offensive to me and I need time to cool off.

Anyway, clearly I have more grounding to do because triggered. I'll have to consider the option of leaving this chat due to how wrecked I am every time this gets active again because I'm so reactive nearly a week later. As Becky was fond of saying before I took my extended break: I have to protect my peace.