Birthday & Mothers Day

[Poppyu]

Hi. I'm new to the forum and so pleased to have found this place where I can find some support and hopefully support others too. So I've been NC with my mum who is narcissistic and shamed me a lot of my life and I've had a strong trauma bond with her. At age 53 after years of various stress illness's I became very unwell with chronic pain.  I knew something wasn't right and have come to realise what's been going on with me. She was constantly in rages when I grew up, argued with Dad constantly and called him names also attacked him physically once that he told me about. Sadly he died, he had MSA which I do believe was attributed to be stress. Also his childhood was violent which is something I've sadly just learned about via by Uncle. He was such a lovely warm kind man and I was close to him which mum hated. Since he's passed nearly 5 yrs ago I've thrown myself into the relationship with my mum, holidays, messaging her very day because she's always been what she's says is feeling low. We were always on eggshells with her moods and she always wanted things perfect. I have been constantly anxious around her all my life and cannot connect to this new woman who now shows only the best side until 6 weeks ago. I talked with her & she knows how ill I've been & I did ask her about my childhood, why she was like she was. She blamed dad and that she want happy, had no one to turn to and tried to protect us!! But all she did was install terror in us (me and my brother). So she did know that I was suffering with anxiety etc and pain. I rang her on NYD & she just blamed me for herself feeling really really really low, not eating not sleeping, thinks I'm blaming her. My husband was so angry and annoyed. I was devastated that again as she's done over the years she turns everything around no matter if something is hurting you, to be woe is me.
I've not contacted her since and she hasn't me but she did ring me back 8 times after we ended that call on NYD and then my husband shouting out my daughter on the phone I know I've made things worse for her!!
Anyway I'm going through a tough time but my predicament is that next week is her birthday and also Mother's Day a few days later. Cards? I know I don't want contact as it's not good for my health. I am scared how stressed I've been and still am. So I thought a brief letter saying I won't tolerate that behaviour and respect my wishes that I don't want contact etc. just so I have some closure. Do you think this is a good idea. The letter is kind but assertive saying I have to put myself first. I've not called out any of her terrible behaviours over the last 55 yrs. also she's 77 and on her own, so my brother thinks that's a good enough reason to try with her, as she's our mother. I know he struggles with her too and has anger issues which he has over the years unleashed on me for no reason. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks 🙂

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group poppyu-  i too am a daughter of a mother who manifests uPD and we've been NC for 30+ years.

i commend you for trying to mend fences with her because that's not something that will be possible for me and my biological mother.  however, i think you answered your own question about your idea- from what you've shared being in contact with her is causing a stress to your health and a strain with your relationship with your husband.

it's ok to step back and take a break with your mom for whatever time you need to heal you- if sending the card gives you that closure then that's ok too.  my only caution would be don't write something that can be weaponized against you at a later date.     

think of all the work you've done to have a life aside of what you grew up experiencing and remember that no response to her reaching out and putting you as the responsible person for her well-being is also a response too.

let us know what you decide to do-

[NarcKiddo]

You must do what you feel is best for you. I'm a similar age to you and have a uNPD mother with whom I am in contact (as low as I can get away with) and I have never called her out. I have the following points to make, for your consideration, based on my experience of my mother:

Calling out a narc does not usually go well. Miscellaneous friends of my mother have called her out on minor things and there has been an alrighty eruption and she has ended the friendship. Given you want no contact the ending of a relationship by her is not necessarily a bad result, but you should probably be prepared for an eruption.

Saying you have to put yourself first does not usually go down well with a narc, given they think the entire world revolves around them and get very annoyed at any suggestion it does not. Say it by all means - it is not unreasonable or untrue. But you should probably be prepared for an eruption.

Your brother may not be your ally. Typically narcs will pit siblings against one another even if it is not in an obvious way. Nobody wants to have to deal with the narc on their own and piling pressure on someone by saying "she's alone, she's our mother, she's a poor old lady..." is pretty easy to do. Plus the outside world, blissfully unaware of the narc's behaviour, tends to agree with such views so you may come under pressure from others, too.

Finally, boundaries are for you and need to work for you. They do not need to be communicated in terms to anyone else. If it is helpful to communicate a boundary then do so. You probably need to communicate what will happen if they do not respect your boundary and you will have to be prepared to enforce the consequences, because they are very likely to test you. Possibly on multiple occasions, with ever greater determination, until they realise you really will not budge. However, as redshoes has said, no response is a response. If your boundary is that you will not respond to her, then you can do that without informing her in advance. It may also give you more scope to change/relax your boundaries as you need to without giving her something to latch onto if you decide to try some contact in the future.

I wish you well, whatever you decide to do.