Please send me strength

[Poison Ivy]

I'm getting cost quotations for home-upgrade projects. Some of the need for the upgrades arises from normal wear and tear, but my ex-h also neglected the house and left me with the financial burden of dealing with problems. I'd appreciate being reminded that I am a better person than one who feels full of resentment toward my ex at times such as this. (First quote: $24,000 for windows and doors. Sigh.)

[square]

I feel like resentment was a foreign feeling to me until the last few years. It's still foreign but it creeps up on me. I AM resentful about some things. I have to acknowledge it and then try to let it go. I'm not sure if I am in fact letting it go or just stuffing it down, though.

I think it still counts. We can feed our resentments and let them grow and multiply, or we can do the best we can as human beings to kind of hit them back down, whack-a-mole style, when they pop up.

So I'm right there with you. SPLAT!

[Andeza]

Admittedly, I'd be irritated too, but I guess it wouldn't really change the situation. Repairs are more urgent than upgrades. Upgrades can keep for a bit if it makes things easier for you financially. Quote on windows and doors sounds... high, but I don't know how many of those you have.

Best advice, get at least three quotes for everything, five if you can, and check to make sure the companies are insured.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you for the responses!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Cost also depends greatly on where you live.

If you feel resentment, I just see that as being human. If you feel it, you feel it. You don't have to feed it and stew in it, but feeling it in the first place doesn't say anything about what sort of person you are. You can turn it around (maybe with gratitude for your independence?) without denying the feeling or trying to shame yourself out of it.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, Cordelia.

[Hattie]

When my ex moved out, I had to replace doors that he had punched holes in, mend door jambs that he had busted through, paint over red wine marks that he splattered up the wall (!), throw away my beloved tent that he smashed up while I was in it, and a whole bunch of other crap. But man, did I feel better once my house was looking nice!

There is still lots more to do as I'm not good at interior decorating and I tend to spend all my time gardening instead, lol, but it was good to do those initial repairs.

I hope you feel better too once you have things fixed up. You can put your stamp on your home and make it feel properly like your own

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, Hattie. Between responses from people on this site and commiseration from my siblings, I'm definitely feeling better.

[SonofThunder]

I'm getting cost quotations for home-upgrade projects. Some of the need for the upgrades arises from normal wear and tear, but my ex-h also neglected the house and left me with the financial burden of dealing with problems. I'd appreciate being reminded that I am a better person than one who feels full of resentment toward my ex at times such as this. (First quote: $24,000 for windows and doors. Sigh.)

Poison Ivy, you surely deserve to feel resentment, and when it comes (I am still married to my PDw), I channel it into energy to propel myself into continued self-improvement vs a swirl of emotions creating a negative vibe.  New windows and doors will retain/increase the value of your home and further protect the home from damage.  Yes, a lot of money, but truly an investment vs floating the money down the river, which may have occurred on things your ex-h spent money on.  Oh boy, I wish I had some of the $$ my uPDw spent on/in the home to simply boost her decorating/design image with friends and neighbors.  Not good investments and not doing a darn thing for the homes retention/increase in value. 

Enjoy you new windows and doors! 

SoT

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, SonofThunder.

[Lauren17]

PoisonIvy,
My house is in the same condition.  H always finds "fun" things to spend money on rather than house upgrades, or even repairs.  It's frustrating living like this and not having basic control over my environment. 
I'm right here, being resentful with you!!  I'm also trying to let it go and focusing on the steps I can take toward improving my situation.
(If it helps, my windows/doors estimate was about 50% higher than yours.)
Stay strong, you've got this!

[Boat Babe]

Sometimes you don't have to be the better person!!!

That always makes me laugh as it reminds me that I'm human and will sometimes feel the less attractive emotions like jealousy, resentment and pettiness.

Don't feel bad about feeling hacked off by exPD. Let it flow through you and out the other side. Then, when it's gone, rejoice that he's gone too and get back on track with your new and excellent life.

[Cat of the Canals]

Home repair stuff is so stressful, so I'm sending all the good vibes.

I'm also in the process of getting some windows and doors replaced, and I was shocked at the price difference between the big corporate window companies (think Renewal by Andersen/Dreamstyle/Pella) and the small businesses in the area that specialize in glass and window replacement. I had the same experience in the past with stucco repairs and gutters. In all cases, the small companies have quoted less than HALF the big corporate guys, for the same products. The corporate places also sent out salesmen instead of actual installers to give the quote, and some of them were pushy as hell. (One of the corporate window places has called me 1-3 times a day for the last two months straight!) The price gouging was bad enough, but it was the sales tactics that put me off hiring any of those businesses.

[square]

I have a repair item that is large for me, and it's not optional. There's safety issues.

I am so exhausted I just can't seem to manage it.

And my H has lost the mental ability to plan and execute.

We did have a company come to give us a quote. They came, measured, never called back, and ignored my follow up calls including my vm to the head of company.

That kind of hurt. I wondered why we had been rejected. I'm ashamed of the condition of my house and wondered if we had been judged.

Then a company that provided a basic service stopped showing up. I called. They dodged me. They just didn't want to do it anymore and I have no idea why. They had our credit card, it always worked, they did not interact with any of us.

Then I called a guy for the repair who had done work for us before and we had been friendly with. He set a date to come do themeasurements. Didn't show. Didn't return our call.

On top of all that I just plain feel exhausted. I feel like nothing I do matters and there is no hope. And now wonder how bad our house must be, that everyone prefers not to have our business.

Sorry for the hijack, PI.

[Andeza]

Square, I just want to pop in and assure you that's its highly unlikely that you are the problem. Many service companies have taken a terrible turn for the worse concerning customer service in the last year or two. They just stopped caring, and it's sad. They don't care that they're losing customers, even long term people, because they are signing up new customers for nearly twice the rates of old customers. The entire industry is, frankly, screwed up right now.  DH frequently had to pick up the pieces from these types, but DH is now exiting the small business thing for better pay and benefits...

[Poison Ivy]

I very much appreciate all the responses. Thank you.

[Cat of the Canals]

Square, I just want to pop in and assure you that's its highly unlikely that you are the problem.

I agree. One window company came out to take measurements and never got back to me with a quote. The guy we're having do the work came out in April and I still haven't managed to actually schedule when he'll come. I've been hearing that contractors are swamped now that things have opened back up post-COVID, plus apparently our area is always super busy. It's really frustrating because we're trying to get this job done before others, and now it's all on hold. (And I will admit to sometimes wondering if I did/said something to offend or turn them off... but when it comes down to it, money is money, so I highly doubt it.)

[square]

Thanks Andeza and Cat My motivation to tackle this went up. Maybe I'll hit Angie's List over the weekend and get up the energy to make some calls next week.

[Poison Ivy]

Good luck to everyone trying to do things alone that they wish they had a partner to help with!

[SonofThunder]

Good luck to everyone trying to do things alone that they wish they had a partner to help with!

Hi Poison Ivy,

Have you reached out to your homeowners insurance company to see if any of the necessary work costs could potentially be covered (partially or full) by your policy?  Not sure what your deductible is on your policy, but it does not cost anything to inquire. Also sure where you live and the weather patterns that exist, or what your policy covers, so not sure if there are any recent extreme weather events (storms or other extreme events)  that caused damage by the failure of the windows and door(s) to protect the home.  Again, doesn't hurt to inquire.  In some cases, insurance companies will help to protect the assets they cover, as it's cheaper for them to cover preventative measures vs much more expensive issues that can occur if the preventative isn't assisted.  I'm certainly no expert in insurance, so I may be way off on this suggestion. 

SoT