When NC with one parent

[sc204]

Following on from recent family events, and having felt like I have really reached the end of the line. I feel there is no other option than to go NC for my own sanity and that of my husbands. My mother has strong Narcissistic, Borderline and Histrionic traits; my father is an alcoholic, who I feel uses alcohol to deal with a lot of my mother behaviours. They are locked in a very loveless marriage, however despite various options he has chosen not to leave. Going NC with my Mother would create multiple difficulties; do I still see my father and have a relationship with him. I would be most grateful if others could tell me how they have managed this kind of situation.....

[StayWithMe]

you could try very low contact.  That's what I do since I come from a large family.  Your mother may notice that you are not as warm and forthcoming as you used to be.

[JustKat]

Your situation sounds quite similar to my own. My mother was an extreme narcissist and I finally went NC with her following a highly charged phone call. I hung up the phone and never spoke to her again.

My father continued to call me regularly and make the occasional visit but I never returned to the family home after going NC with Nmother. At the time I really believed that my father loved me and was doing the best he could with his difficult wife, but eventually I came to realize he was just her enabler and was probably acting as her flying monkey when he made those calls. He finally showed his true colors when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and ordered him to disinherit me for going NC. He did what she asked him to do, then called me to tell me I deserved to be "punished." I feel like a fool for not seeing the truth about him earlier, but I guess I needed to hold onto the fantasy that at least one of my parents loved me. Short story, I am now NC with him as well.

So to answer your question, yes, you can definitely maintain a relationship with your father after going NC with your mother, though there's no knowing how he'll react to it. Things will be different and he may decide to take sides (or more likely, she'll force him to). Unfortunately, there's no way to know until you've actually gone NC. My father also seemed miserable in his marriage, had an out, but chose not to leave, something I never understood until the I went NC. That's when I realized he didn't leave because he didn't want to.

StayWithMe has a good suggestion in starting out VLC to see where it goes from there, though if you've truly reached the end of the line, do what is best for your own well-being. It won't be easy, though. I ended up losing my entire family to her smear campaign, which is very common after NC.

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best. I understand what you're going through. You're not alone.

[Tried2bZen]

Great advice and feedback by "JustKathy." I was/am in a similar situation as well even though my F is not an-alcoholic but he is definitely my BPDMs enabler. Loveless marriage sounds exactly like my parents, too, sc204. My D always used to say that he wasn't going to get a divorce because of us kids and that he'd move out the day after we'd grown up. Well, that's 20 years ago and he still lives with her. Why, I don't know but I knew that real NC with BPDM would be super hard to achieve if I kept in contact with him. If in doubt, he would always report back to BPD. She has him too much under control that he wouldn't. I also know that he'd be "forced" to bring over gifts from her, so I decided to NC with him too. He recently tried to get back in touch via my sister as a flying monkey and those outreaches are hard to digest, but giving her an "in" through him - without him owning any responsibility - seems even harder.

[Sidney37]

I keep hoping there is some way to be NC with my updM and not LC with my enD.  So far it's not working so well.  They are still married and he's essentially her enabler and flying monkey.  He has empathy which she doesn't.  He loves me and my kids in a way that she can't.   Trying to talk to him very occasionally, I know that he's telling her everything I say.  It just gives her more ammunition against me and essentially undermines the NC.  I just went NC in the summer.  I've only talked to him 2-3 times since, but I know it's not helping the situation at all.  That's how it's worked for me.  I'm sure others have had different experiences.