Does anyone else have big problems keeping the house clean & comfortable?

[blistering]

Ok so I think a huge part of this is due to the fact that I have ADHD. It's not severe - not bad enough for medication - but enough to cause me significant problems with organisation & self discipline.

Then, also - my Nmom was always extremely intense about cleanliness & order to an unhealthy degree. It was more important to her than anything else. The constant arguments & yelling matches because I had left a speck of dust somewhere were so annoying and emotionally destroying that I think in some way I overcompensated after moving out - deciding that, since I can now do what I want, I'm not gonna give a shit about any of that.

So basically, my dorm rooms were always really messy and dirty. Not quite "hoarders on TV"-level, but sometimes not so far off. It was a mix of laziness and simply not caring. I've always lived 'in my head' a lot, so I would rather do something interesting on the PC or read a book than clean up. This went on for a few years. Since I lived alone, the only issue with it was really that I couldn't invite anyone over without a significant amount of de-trashing and cleaning.

I didn't really care that much for most of that time but I think now I do. I've grown annoyed at how often I lose track of things, have to search for my keys, papers, etc and also it's just uncomfortable. I guess as I'm growing older I really want my apartment to feel like a home, not just some student dorm. I've been trying to clean more but it always seems to grow over my head though I live alone! I just now finally managed to hammer a nail into the wall to hang up the one framed print that I ordered like 4 months ago.. it always takes me an embarassingly long time to do things. I remember in one place I lived, a few bulbs in my living room burnt out over time and I never changed them because I was too lazy and didn't know how to, so I just kinda sat around in low light for like a year. 

This is kinda embarassing to tell anyone. But either way, I want to get better. I will de-clutter everything one step at a time and then I guess I have to write myself regular cleaing plans & stick to them. That leaves the 'problem' of how I make my flat more comfortable. I have no pictures on the walls (except the one I just put up) and in general it's just so empty and aesthetically unpleasing compared to when I see how my friends live. I have a terrible eye for decoration so.. I don't know.. I'll have to look up all sorts of room ideas online and see what I like?

Any of you have similar problems? I really think it's a mixture of reasons in my case but my upbringing is definitely among them.

[Associate of Daniel]

It's good that you're recognising the need for improvement and reaching out for advice.

I've recently discovered that Youtube has tons of house cleaning and decorating videos.

There are "systems" of house cleaning. (Who knew?!)

One I quite like is the "Fly Lady" system..

Daily and weekly routines are the key. And doing everything for only a short time each day (15 minutes, usually)

'The Secret Slob" and Diane in Denmark" have tons of videos that teach the Fly Lady system.

But be warned:  they're addictive!

AOD

[SerenityCat]

You are not alone. So many of us experience this.

Radical downsizing worked wonders for me. I pared down my belongings immensely. I have both mental and physical health challenges. Now, even when I don't feel well, I can still maintain my place.

I also have designated places for specific things. Keys always go a certain place. I always know where keys, wallet, phone etc are.

I got rid of any "guilt" stuff. Anything from family that made me feel bad to look at.

I also decided to not compare my place to other people's. Otherwise I would feel like I could never measure up. I myself happen to do well for now with nothing on the walls, that is okay for me, actually a relief. If I wanted things on my wall I would pick out a few special items and put them up, but only if they helped me feel good.

Cozy comfort can be found with things like a special blanket on the couch, a display of favorite Star Wars figurines, three favorite books on display, anything you like. It doesn't have to even be a big deal or a lot of items.

Along with reading up on cleaning routines and encouragement from sites like Fly Lady and Unf*ck Your Habitat, I like reading up on thoughts about minimalism as a way of life. Those of us even with only a few items can create a cozy home.

Find a place where your keys always live. Put your shoes in the same place each time. Toss papers you don't need. Less stuff makes for less work.

Many of us initially have anxiety when dealing with our belongings, our dysfunctional family screwed us up. But with time, one step at a time, we can master this too. We can change our habits.

Good luck! You can do it. Be kind and easy on yourself, even while pushing and changing habits. Creating your own comfy space can be fun.

[Call Me Cordelia]

You are definitely not alone. My parents' house growing up was all or nothing: Some areas were labeled and organized down to the last paper clip, but we had an entire bedroom stacked to the ceiling with clutter for years. Most of the time you could write your name in the dust on the furniture, but every year we kids had to clean our toys with alcohol and q-tips.  MY work was held to impossible standards, never mind the state of the house that was not my responsibility. When I left home I had to figure it all out for myself.

The good news is we do know how to figure things out, since we have had to fend for ourselves for our whole lives. And we do have the internet. That can be a blessing and a curse, so easy to read for hours about cleaning and never get around to actually doing it.  I too like Fly Lady, but her system is a little rigid for me even with all her affirming language. It's your home, you'll find the habits that work for you! And it did become fun. Sounds like you are single, so your home is yours and yours alone! No expectations for decor etc. except what makes you happy. How wonderful!

For a long time I felt like my home was never good enough. That changed somewhere around a few years ago, can't say exactly when or how. But I finally started to believe all the people telling me I had a lovely home, friends and FOC. And PS I never did put much of anything on the walls! I think a big part of it was I embraced gardening, which was not part of my childhood whatsoever. It was completely safe, but still a homemaking activity. The spirit of making the garden my own and enjoying that beauty and utility (flowers and veggies) eventually translated into the rest of my homemaking as well. For me it's not fulfilling enough to simply know where my keys are, although I won't argue against the good of that! Is there something like that that you can try just for the joy of it that isn't baggage-laden? Ever try sewing curtains maybe? Or baking? It might not be "necessary" but making a home is an art as well as a practical matter. If you are doing something you love there you might find yourself loving it more, and more inspired to make it pretty.

[SerenityCat]

This is a very inspiring thread for me also.

Doing things like baking, sewing curtains, and viewing homemaking as an art along with as a practical matter is a wonderful idea.

We can do things we love in our space.

I think is part of recovery. We claim our own homes. As we move Out of the FOG, we coax our homes out of fog also.

[Associate of Daniel]

Serenity Cat, I love your last sentence.

That's exactly how I feel right now.

AOD

[guitarman]

Procrastination can be a sign of depression and stress. It can be difficult to make any decisions, even about beginning clearing up or then making an effort to stay tidy. It can all become overwhelming.

One method is to just start tidying up one tiny area to begin with. Then progress in small steps. Congratulate yourself at every little step and don't put yourself down.

Abusers are all about power and control. Maybe your mother liked to exert her power and control over you by demanding you obsessively tidy up and you are rebelling against her as an adult by not doing now as she wanted then.

Maybe you could turn "have to", "must", "should" or "need to" tidy up into "I want to". It's what I do. You have control over your own environment and how you choose to live, no one else.

If you think that your environment is unfit for others to visit maybe you are choosing not to have them visit. We all have choices.

It's all part of recovery and you seem to have insight into that and how you want to change.

The environment we inhabit reflects our inner turmoil. Others may not understand your upbringing and what you have been through.

Be gentle with yourself you are doing the best you can.

Take one small step at a time. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

guitarman X

[Whiteheron]

Procrastination can be a sign of depression and stress. It can be difficult to make any decisions, even about beginning clearing up or then making an effort to stay tidy. It can all become overwhelming.

This is me. I get so overwhelmed with just about everything right now, that I just shut down. I am happier when my home is tidy, but lately I can barely keep up. I have plenty of time...just getting motivated to do it is just not happening.

I hear you about hanging things on the walls. I have a few things I bought to hang in the living room, but they've been sitting propped up against the wall for several weeks now. It will make me happy when they are hung up - so why can't I just do it? Lately I'm noticing a pattern with me - if I know something will make me happy, I avoid it. I have no idea why.

[SerenityCat]

We can continue to support each other here. We can do just one thing, hang up one item, clear one corner, and then reward ourselves by sharing our success here.

Praising myself, using rewards, has really helped me build new habits.

When I clear an area I take the time to look it over and notice my success.

Many of are coming out of all sorts of fogs. As one fog begins to dissipate we may begin to have the ability to see something else that needs work.

So we can continue to be easy on ourselves while also pushing ourselves some to make healthy changes.

I remember being so long term stressed by rough childhood and ongoing family abuse, that I did not have the ability to really see my surroundings. I had no clue that I could streamline my chores and make a comfy place for myself.

Now that I'm made good choices with my family (I went NC), got some therapy, set boundaries, got myself to sleep and eat better - I've been able to see the next step. I still remembering the realization that the string mop I was using was dismal, grubby, and ineffective. And that I could buy a new, different kind of mop! Throw out the old, try another tool.

We can be friendly observant scientists towards ourselves. There usually isn't any failure, it is just more information. We can adjust as we learn new things and keep on keeping on.

[1footouttadefog]

I have similar tendencies. I think my procrastination comes from perfectionism. 

Also the negative messages that roll in your head.  Taking these into account and no longer allowing past voices to habe power in your life will help.

Also, I have found that a few things that help me are: have certain times of day where I do house work regardless of how I feel.  For example in the evening I do some tidying up no matter how tired I am before sitting down.  I can get an amazing amount done in 20mins at this time.

Playing music or podcasts while cleaning.  This occupies my mind and the time spent goes by enjoyable because it's the need to occupy my brain and avoid the mental and psychological boredom that causes me to refrain from chores.  I now have regular programs that are a part of cleaning and I look forward to them.

I got rid of a lot of my decor items and repurposed others.  I re-thought my belongings and decided many represented a previous me that I had evolved and grown away from.  I tried new colors and styles of decorating, eating and dressing.  Much was accomplished with fabric, spray paint and moving things from one room to another.  Lamps, side tables etc were re grouped and anything relatives had given me decades ago were taken to the swap shed.  This removed the negative cast they were giving my place as well as representing my no longer allowing people to decorate for me for life.  I let go of Obligation guilt and fear associated with tue items and people who had given them.

Removing the mojo and vibes and the emotional baggage they represented was healthy and symbolic of changes going on in other aspects of my life.

I find it useful to make a list for projects, and break them into chunks.  I no longer assume I can just find a block of time.  Instead I break them down.  A first check is to rather needed parts and tools and supplies and instructions.  This way when it's time to start the next section I am not side tracked by the hunt or trips to store etc.  I keep the project stuff in a tub until its done instead of moving it back and forth. 

I keep tools were needed.  I keep cleaners were needed.  This helps make cleaning easier as well as providing redundancy.  Every bathroom and the kitchen has cleaners and paper towels

Chore lists are a great way to get into habits of doing some each day.  20 minute sections can add up to hours over a week.  We always do dishes each meal, it's a few minutes bit keeps the kitchen clean with no dried on messes etc. 

Over time these habits will add up to thoughtlessly having g a company ready tidy slave that you will also benefit from and enjoy.  I am ADD.

Affordable luxuries are a self care measure and can be a motivation to clean.  For example some nice bars of soap canotivate bathroom clutter.  A new bath product can inspire a thorough cleaning of the tub and result in a nice bath or  a few.

Shopping from home cam re-energize old interests and motivate cleaning and organizing.  I have recently cleared space to build a 3d printer I bought over a year ago.  I also tidied up a work space and created a craft and makers cabinet from a book case with doors I was given.    It's a new thing for a new me.  I got rid of some old me stuff.

Getting rid of the old can also mean time habits as well.  I am working g on this and making some progress but it's not as fast as I would like.  More and better spent time means better organization and more leisure.

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