Medium chill

[SafireJem]

I recently joined here and another member recommended using the medium chill approach. I've started using this with my likely covert NPD mum, following the suggested sentences and replies on this site's medium chill section.

My question is- is it normal for NPD people to push back against this approach? In the very short time I've used it, she has called me arrogant and repeated back what I said to her but in a mocking way, impersonating my voice. Is this usual?

[moglow]

I'd have to say yes, absolutely normal. Well, normal in that special way some have. With some people, you're doomed if you do, doomed if you don't. Mine used to demand "ANSWER ME!!" during a tirade in which she'd literally asked no question and there was no reasonable comment to be made.

But the mocking sarcasm? Find a way to politely cut that off when it happens, and don't do it to her in return. It's not necessary and certainly not conducive to further conversation. I have literally responded responded to it with a deadpanned : "Well can't be any more clear that that. I have things to do, will talk to you another time. Bye!" and hung up the phone without another word. Then not answer when she called back. Not being rude, but just clear the conversation was over. [Full disclosure: it did not go over well at all.]

[Liketheducks]

Oh yes... totally got push back here.   My mother said I was unattractive when I kindly held my boundaries firm.   Also, that she'd NEVER speak to her mother in the same way.

But, then again....I'd never held my boundaries firm before.  I'm sure she would have perceived my being an adult, rather than a child, in relationship with her as cold and indifferent.   From her point of reference, it is. 

I heard something the other day about emotionally immature parents having a view of their adult children as children of a much younger age.   For me, it feels as though my mother still views me as about 10-12 ish.   And, honestly, that is when the bulk of the childhood trauma took place for me.   Emotionally, I'm pretty sure I was stuck there for a very long time, until getting Out of the FOG. 

So yes, I'm certain that when you start enforcing boundaries....the people you need those boundaries with the most are certain to push back.     

Hang in there.   

[wisingup]

Yep, I think its very typical.  The pd person can tell that you are pulling back.  This means that 1) they feel they are losing control of the relationship and 2) they are not getting the reliable "supply" of attention, fawning, emotional support or whatever you had been providing them. 

My uBPD mom also did the mocking thing, making fun of me for being cold & wanting to get off the phone, which certainly didn't improve my experience with the relationship. 

Hold strong, they will sort of get used to it after awhile, but you will need to take a deep breath & hold your ground in the meantime.

[escapingman]

Absolutely, the more you use MC and GR the more they try to get a response. I remember one time when uNPDxw was baiting me and I stayed calm in MC, I was sitting in my chair and she was standing in front of me screaming at me red in her face to stop screaming at her and how red I was in my face. So, just be prepared as this is not to change the PD person or punish them but to protect yourself.

[Cat of the Canals]

Yep, I think its very typical.  The pd person can tell that you are pulling back.  This means that 1) they feel they are losing control of the relationship and 2) they are not getting the reliable "supply" of attention, fawning, emotional support or whatever you had been providing them. 

 

Agree that it is typical. PDs are a lot of things, but they're not [necessarily] stupid. They can tell when the dynamic has changed, and they generally don't like it and will try just about anything to provoke a reaction.

One thing to remember here is that MC is not designed to change their behavior. It is a tool that helps prevent you from falling into the trap of engaging emotionally in their drama and chaos. SOMETIMES, their behavior will change in response to extremely consistent gray rock or medium chill. I doubt that's the norm, and it rarely means they have actually changed in a meaningful way -- it more likely means they aren't getting the results/rewards they want so they try getting them elsewhere or with a different method.

[SafireJem]

Hi everyone, thank you very much for all your responses.

It is reassuring to know that my experience is typical for those beginning the MC/GR process. Today, I have been told that I'm "speaking like something out of a textbook" and that I'm "prickly and in an edgy mood." LOL! Sometimes you've just got to laugh, right?!

It was also really helpful to learn the reason behind the pushback i.e., the NPD person senses a changed dynamic and fears that their supply is being removed/reduced, so fights against the change.

Thanks for highlighting the fact that we undertake MC/GR to protect ourselves and not to change the other person. I would love it if doing MC changed my mum's attitude to me; however, even if it does not, I am going to keep doing it, to protect myself and model good ways for my kids.

I find the ability of NPD people to project is absolutely staggering - accusing others of screaming at them, turning red in the face, making demands, and so on, when in fact THEY are the ones doing these things.

Thanks again everyone!

[Cat of the Canals]

I find the ability of NPD people to project is absolutely staggering - accusing others of screaming at them, turning red in the face, making demands, and so on, when in fact THEY are the ones doing these things.

One of our members here recently shared an MC response to this kind of thing that I just loved. It would go like this:

PD: Why are you screaming at me?
MC, in an absolutely deadpan voice (bonus if you speak as quietly as possible without whispering): You think I'm screaming?

My other favorite underrated MC responses are
-not responding at all, or
-extremely non-committal phrases like, "Huh." or "That's interesting."

[donutmoonpanda]

Yes, in my experience, they want to push you back into your old role. They want you to act like you used to. That's the relationship they want to have with you, the one where you're miserable and they extract every little thing they want from you.