BPD Mother Has Been Making Odd Accusations about Me.

[Kittenkatboots]

Hello all. It's been a while.

I've been going through it for the past few days and I really don't understand how I feel or what to think.

My mother has accused me of making myself appear as a damsel in distress in front of her fiance (as an attempt to lure her fiance's financial support). She spent most of 2021 accusing my cousin of the same thing. My mother is in her 60's and I'm in my late 20's. She's fully financing her and her fiance's life. I'm far from being interested in him.

Secondly, my niece has stumbled across my mother posting videos of herself at a swingers event on social media. My niece is no longer a minor however, it's still disgusting. It's especially frustrating that after all the things she's accused me of, that this is what she does in her spare time. I don't sincerely care about what anyone does in the bedroom, but how can someone who was policing my behavior publish this kind of stuff? Has she gone mad? Was she mad the entire time?

I feel like things just get worse with my family with time. The messages I've received of "don't make yourself vulnerable to people because you you're going to have to pay" pisses me off even more. Because that was paired with lack of support from parents. I feel like they were setting me up for, by their framing, abuse. As I age, I realize how much they didn't want to be parents and how they were absolutely horrible to me. How I didn't deserve to be neglected and abused.

I have men in my life who are friend's dad's or people from church who check up on me here and there and I start to wonder if they saw everything that was happening the entire time. It makes me feel uncomfortable and sad because I know that when I straighten up and get out of this funk, if I do comb through the interactions and if there is inappropriate behavior, I'm going to be blamed.  They're gonna say that I've always been alluring and "fast".

I'm having a hard time.

[Liketheducks]

Ugh....I'm so sorry you're going through this with your mom.   The jealousy that my BPD mom exhibits is downright shocking to me sometimes.   I am a mother myself, and I just can't comprehend where she is coming from.   We aren't competing for the same men.   And, if there is a man interested in both of us....well...ick.   
You are never to blame for someone else's behavior.   She will make her own choices.   And, if you're to blame for that, it is only because she lacks the ability to self-reflect and take responsibility.  (Boy, isn't life easier when someone else is ALWAYS in control?).
I've also been demonized for being too "alluring".   More to the point, I get to hear about every guy that has made a pass at my mother.   I don't really need to hear that.  I suppose she's trying to let me know that she's still desirable.   I'm sure she is.   But, it isn't something that one really wants to contemplate about their parent.   
Take care.   It is not your fault.

[sunshine702]

Boundaries as to what is appropriate don't seem to exist in these warped and insecure people .  You want what is best for your child you do not try to compete with your child!!!

I am sorry yeah I have come across this and boy does it feel icky!!

[atticusfinch]

kittenkatboots,

First of all, I'm really sorry that your mom accuses you of such hurtful things. Our mothers are supposed to protect us, so it must be really painful that yours says and does things that make you feel the opposite of safe. The first thing I thought when I read your post is that this is a case of classic projection! It makes complete sense that if she is doing the swinger thing, she is projecting the guilt she gets from that onto you. I read somewhere that any time a narcissist points a finger, to follow that finger back and you'll usually find that they are doing the very thing they're accusing you of. So it makes sense (in a super sick way) that she's projecting sexually deviant behavior onto you right now because she is having issues with it herself.

One thing that has helped me lately is to try and depersonalize the behavior of the PDs in my life. I just keep reminding myself that their behavior isn't about me or anything I'm doing--it's about them and their original wound, which had nothing to do with me. I try to frame it as them reacting to their wound (likely caused by their parents) rather than me, if that makes sense? It definitely helps, but there is still only so much I can take and sometimes I also have to limit how much time I'm around them so they have fewer opportunities to fire their mean-spirited shots. (I just spent 24 hours with my PD parent and oh my goodness, it was fascinating to see all the bad behavior start to come out the longer I was at their house. I left wondering how on earth I survived my childhood.)

You're not alone, and you absolutely are not those things your mom says you are. You've got this.

[olivegirl]

The level of jealousy and possessiveness that my Bpd Mother exhibits is so deep;

That having a relationship with her is simply insurmountable.

Dodging constant accusations that include that I want to "take her role" and "push her out!"

1) Be the mother to my younger sister

2) Win best homemaker by competing with her cooking skills and have my father (her husband) prefer my cooking

3) I love my aunts (her sisters) more and wish that one of them was my mother and I am trying to replace her.

4) I admire and prefer my mother-in-law more and thereby I am embarrassed of her and want nothing to do with her anymore.

5) My first Mother's Day meant that I did not have a mother anymore because I shared that title with her and therefore it was deemed that she was no longer special.



It's just exhausting.  I tried giving her extra attention but it was never appreciated and she pouted that I am obligated and need to do more.

At some point I just realized that I am not responsible for her irrational, distorted thinking and I am not professionally equipped to fix her self-loathing.

As her Target of Blame, it is an act of self-love and self care that I decided to go No Contact.

This way she can continue to hurl accusations at me but I am protected because I do not have to hear about it anymore. 

[Srcyu]

You asked, 'has she gone mad and was she mad the entire time?'

Yes.

My so-called mother was exactly the same. I actually referred to her as The Mad Woman when I went no contact. I could give you examples of her unhinged behaviour, but why bother. There is a definite madness going on that she directs at certain people and hides from others.