DH needing PDmil's validation?

[Pepin]

DH recently bought himself a nice big gift.  He's very proud of it though hasn't opened up to really anyone about it because it was a lot of money for us.  I haven't told anyone including my siblings -- why would I?  Would I tell my friends?  No.  Only way anyone is going to know is if they see it...

Anyhoo, this morning as DH was headed out the door he said: maybe I should bring it over and show it to my mom?

And I kid you not I said to him (in that slow motion sort of way without thinking): why?  Do you need additional validation?

He paused, put his work bag in the car and then changed the subject. 

I don't come from a healthy upbringing so I don't know if it is normal for adult children to share their big ticket items with their parents?  Is this something my kids will do with me?  On the other hand, as a husband and wife, why aren't we keeping things between us?  Like the stove I mentioned a while ago -- recap:  we bought a new stove, DH told PDmil and she wrote a check for it.    We don't need her money.

I feel like I need to say something to DH about NOT sharing our purchases with PDmil but I don't know if I have any leg to stand on with a semi-enmeshed son! 

Furthermore, PDmil is a gossip and what information she gets from us, she will spread it like wildfire.  She shares things about DH's siblings that DH and I really should not know.  It is extremely awkward. 

Getting back to the above....is my validation not enough for DH?  I am not sure what is going on with him.  Or is it me?

[NynaeveAM]

Pepin, I don't think it's just you. My observation with my DH and PDMIL has resulted in a few observations because my DH used to act in a similar way. When we first got together and he wasn't my DH, every new purchase would result in a discussion about it with his siblings and family on family group chats. I thought then they were a very connected and healthy family.

Since becoming more familiar with DH's dysfunctional family dynamics, I realized it is indeed about validation but not in the way we may first seem to think. I used to think that why sharing something that's just between us not enough for him? I realized the need for validation in my DH is a deep-seated need for getting his mother's attention. PDMIL, as we began discovering more of DH's past, never opened up fully and emotionally to DH. She only cared about herself and her children simply existed to hold up and decorate her worldview, which was pretty narrow by the way. I realized DH was still searching for some acceptance every time he shared purchases with PDMIL. But this he only thought relevant when the purchase in question was special, as in, expensive. That just goes to show every time he got validation from MIL or FIL was when it was about a grand money gesture. Doing this repeatedly over a decade, I seem to think DH was trying to fill in a hole from the past. Finally, for a few minutes, he could have MIL's attention. Additionally, by telling them it was something expensive, he was also validating his self-esteem; like saying see, now do you think I'm good enough?

I got a lot of such insights from Alice Miller's book, The Drama of the Gifted Child and applied them to DH and PDMIL dynamics. I realized it was never about me, no matter how annoying it was to have him act like a small child. Since becoming more aware of his childhood relationship with MIL, he has drastically reduced this type of interaction with her. But it took a superhuman effort on my part and our counselor's to have him open his eyes to this dynamic. The fact is that these interactions still didn't satisfy DH and that hole doesn't really get filled.

I come from my own dysfunctional family and until a few years ago, I wanted my parents to appreciate me for the life I built for myself so I shared a few things with them, cautiously. But I was more aware of my family dynamics and the acceptance I was looking for never came. So I stopped and found acceptance within myself. I wish for my DH to find that same acceptance within him. I hope one day he can.

I hope this helps.

[Pepin]

Thank you, this makes so much sense.  For as long as I have known PDmil, she has never showed any emotion with regards to being proud of any of her children.  No motivating words ever...just yeah and ok.  Not sure if the words thank you exist in her vocabulary, either.  Sometimes I hear her say thanks but it is said without conviction; it is said weak and robotically. 

Generally, as parents, milestones and our children's happiness make us happy.  I haven't witnessed this with PDmil.  She's just there like part of crowd.  No warmth or enthusiasm about anything.  I guess that is really the way she is....but it saddens me that DH keeps groveling to her.  What is it going to take to get some approval from her?  Likely nothing will get her approval because she is just that way.  She is a jealous and selfish woman that is aging rapidly...what is it that she has going for her?  She has not learned to love or accept herself -- so how can she love or accept anyone else? 

DH can and does get approval from her though when he does things for her.  She likes his productivity.  But his doing things for her keeps him from his marriage and family. 

DH grew up poor but they made it out and did well for themselves.  Money has always been a way to prove success.  Food has also been an underlying way to support success.  DH was always an overweight child.  The times that he lived far away from PDmil, his weight dropped and he was healthy.  Today he continues to struggle with his weight because we live near her.  He wants to lose weight...but when we get together with PDmil, she always pushes food at him.  It makes her happy to give him food to bring home, too.  Every interaction we have with her is about food.  He buffers with food.  Realistically, I don't think DH will lose the weight until his mother is gone.  And he also won't realize his own self worth until she is gone, either.  He has never needed her for anything; she just makes him think he does.

[BettyGray]

Pepin,
I totally get this. Man, so many of these horrible PD moms  are the so exactly same.

My MIL has never said much encouraging DH. You can tell her great news and something that means a lot to you, and she immediately minimizes it and points out how it could have been better, bigger, what have you. Loves to see the negative and point it out immediately. The proverbial air out of the balloon. Debbie Downer. Predictable, but has real-life consequences for DH (alcoholism, depression, financial hardship, bankruptcy, foreclosure, marital problems, etc.). She is never, ever reprimanded by him. Although his brother gives her a piece of his mind and tells her when she has gone too far. Problem is, he gets angry and yells at her, then she breaks down in tears. Often, she will call DH and report how unkind BIL was to her. Pits them against another. Really disgusting behavior. I finally confronted her after 20+ years. It was awesome, but it changed nothing - I am powerless, really. It's up to DH to change the dynamic control.

Sure, she will brag about other people's kids and how well they're doing. When she knows you're not doing well,  especially financially. It's so rude. No wonder he has very little self-esteem!

I'm in a similar predicament with DH. He, the GC, still tries to please her. He is where I was several years ago with my FOO before I came Out of the FOG. It's excruciating and triggering. I feel caught up in a cruel game - this dance they do. He says he is on my side, and I think that he thinks he is, but if so, why does she still have so much power? Why us he trying to hold the middle when he should be on my side- not placating her and upsetting me.

Reading your post, it was eerie the similarities between your MIL and mine. Extremely jealous  (so insecure she gets envious when we spend time with DH’S dad (whom I love and has a good relationship with my husband), even though they have been divorced 36 years. Always, always, always the victim.

It's maddening. In fact, I just posted a thread about this same thing. Any luck dealing with this, anyone???

[Pepin]

I agree, it is maddening.  At her core I believe PDmil is extremely jealous.  I know our DHs need to come Out of the FOG for all of this to end but...when?  I feel so helpless watching and waiting for mine.  Sometimes I psyche myself out and wonder if he is hiding some secret about her from me.  When she passes, the truth will come out -- especially when he will no longer be her supply anymore.  DH just announced our summer vacation plans to her....here we go, let the gossip begin and her health decline right on cue.