Am I Off Here- DH Doesn't Understand Our Boundaries?

[H_Allison]

Hello!

Just curious to see if anyone had some perspective here- I am struggling to frame my thoughts.

Prior to getting pregnant, I had been NC with my MIL (FIL has passed) for about 2 years. DH and I agreed once we were expecting that, as he wanted his children to have the opportunity to know more about where he came from, we would open the door for MIL to come back into my life as well as my daughter's. She was told very explicitly that should she choose to pursue a relationship with DD, she would need to demonstrate a consistent effort to establish a civil, respectful, and positive relationship with me. We heard nothing from her for the remaining 6 months of my pregnancy. Since having DD about 3 months ago, she has made the effort to see her once and she has exchanged very few texts with me.

I recently asked DH how we should plan for Easter given that on the odd years, we would typically visit his family (this has been his local, extended family as I was NC with MIL). He mentioned that he would like to visit MIL for the holiday. This would mean that we would not have the opportunity to see my family at all on Easter. I told him that while MIL had not been explicitly mean or inappropriate with me, I did not feel that she really had put in much effort to demonstrate that she wanted a relationship with me over the last 9 months. Also, given that our holidays have now taken a new significance with DD (the first grandchild), I was struggling with 'giving up' a holiday with the family who is invested in her (as well as the holiday itself) for a family that is not invested and hasn't celebrated the holiday since DH was very little. When I asked DH why he felt strongly about visiting MIL over the holiday as she hadn't taken much interest in DD since her birth and his local family has also always been wonderfully invested in both DD and the holiday itself, he responded that he wanted to build a relationship and that things were better.

I might be off here, but it feels like the boundaries and conditions we discussed and created together have not really been met enough for me to justify such a sacrifice from me and DD. I am struggling with feeling like DH has slipped back into his mentality that MIL is entitled to things because she gave birth to him, and that he also thinks she hasn't done anything egregious so therefore she has fulfilled her end of our contract. I am not opposed to seeing her again, but do I have to take away sharing significant life events with DD from my family? If she is not willing to put the time in on a daily basis, should she get to deny people who do?  I thought DH and I were on the same page about what it would take for her to have a relationship with DD- her to demonstrate how badly she wanted it! I am offended with what DH is asking of me and DD to coerce his mother into paying attention to us.

Here's my question: Do I need to let DH have his holiday with MIL at the expense of the inclusion of mine in the name of holding up my end of the bargain (being receptive of her effort and energy to establish a relationship)? If this is coming from DH rather than MIL (which DH confirmed that it is), is this a whole other set of boundaries or do I need to lump him with MIL on the other side of our established boundaries with her? I hope that makes sense. Any thoughts here would be greatly appreciated!

[lkdrymom]

I think you all have a different idea of what the plan was.  You thought your MIL was to make an effort to establish a relationship with you. Your MIL thought as long as she was civil to you when she  was around you, that was enough.  Now your DH is making the effort to establish the relationship...and doing all the work.  Why was she cut off to begin with?   I am all for giving someone another chance to see how it goes but I also see how you don't want to 'waste' baby's first Easter on someone who is not vested in her life.  Is it possible to visit her the weekend before or after? Or could she come to you and spent it was local relatives? I would need to know the reason for the original cut off before I decided if making the effort was worth it or not.

[Peaceforme]

Hubs and I struggled with this for many years. His mother had very little interaction with the kids through the year but then wanted to host the big family holidays with everyone and since we live two hours away, it would mean we would miss out with my family. We tried the every other year thing but i just always felt like it was unfair based on the significant effort my family made through the year with the kids.
I think it's important to understand that after growing up in essentially an abusive household, your hubs likely just doesn't really "get it" about family time at the holidays.
My husband and I had a sit down when our oldest was about 6 and I said "listen, my childhood holidays and family time are my most cherished memories and I want the kids to have that with my parents and siblings and their kids."
We ultimately decided that Christmas Eve and Thanksgiving Day were very important to me and so those days belonged to my family no matter what his family had planned. We also decided that Christmas Day should be just us and the kids but I was okay with seeing his fam later in the day for dinner if he wanted to. I also relinquished Easter to his fam.
These things were conveyed to his mother and she was not pleased, but we held firm. Now, seven years later we have very very limited contact with her because her bad behavior has worsened over the years. Also, there have been several divorces with my husband's questionable siblings so all of the people who were "so important" to her at that time aren't even around anymore and I am so grateful that the children have their memories with the family and cousins they are close to! Just food for thought!

[bloomie]

H_Allison - Determining level of contact with extended family - PD or not, how to "spend" (yes, time is more precious than money, so how we spend it matters very much) our family time that belongs to your FOC, is on a certain level, an ongoing work in progress for our family.

Over time, we have found a natural and healthier kind of settled way we go about things and evaluate choices like you are in the midst of together. It is a tough spot where you are right now - trying to find a safe way forward with a difficult PD mil and rework some kind of contact. 

Sometimes we think we have an agreement or understanding and realize we don't or what someone wants has changed. I think it is possible to not absorb this desire to test the waters with your mil as an offense by your DH, just as a different desire in how to spend important family time, while at the same time acknowledging how possibly unnerving and out of nowhere this is hitting you. I imagine I would feel those things in this same situation.

This doesn't have to be about anything more than you and your DH working through with love and compassion for each other's view, a difference in how you want to spend valuable time. An opportunity to negotiate.

These times will crop up throughout your family life and finding a way to work through and compromise and hold each other up through it will serve you well and build a strong, reliable trust between you. DH and I do our best work when we make decisions from what is best and right for our FOC. Period. 

So removing everything else from the equation...What would build up your family most as you consider this time you will be spending?

So for example, since Easter is a significant spiritual celebration for our family - how we spend that time and the environment we spend it in is very important to consider for us. Maybe there are points like this to consider for your family as well?

The other gentle thought... I would always lump your DH in with you and baby girl. You are a separate and beautiful powerful family unit unto yourself and are going to come through this stronger than ever.