Cling On

[WhiteWolf]

Ideas for how to get my PD to let go. Or how to handle it when they won't.

I filed for divorce and they will not let go, trying all of the typical tactics, saying they don't want a divorce, they keep saying I love you and expecting me to say it back/asking if I love them, stating they don't remember the abuse that led to divorce filing, saying their therapist has asked that I support them right now (there was a suicide attempt), and begging me to watch these videos recorded prior to the attempt.

I absolutely am not interested in watching the videos. Do I say this or how do I say this? Should I just watch the videos and possibly re-traumatize myself?

I'm mindblown that I was the abused one here but I'm still having to "support" them.

There was a period of no contact but now they have a nightly parenting call they attempt to talk to me about relationship stuff. Yuck!

[Srcyu]

Block perhaps?
Reply, 'No thanks' to the videos.

[escapingman]

The only way is no contact or as low contact as possible. Maybe in the future when healed it is possible with some contact, but I am not sure. My STBX threatened suicide and played the victim card when I tried to break free. Don't watch the videos unless you want to, you could really make yourself ill again.

Stay strong, you are doing great to getting free.

[losingmyself]

It's completely your choice to watch them. If you don't want to, don't. Say "I'm not going to watch them" Period. There doesn't need to be any explanation or excuse. My H tried to get me to read a story about narcs, because he thought my DD was one. (imagine that! She was 17!) He told me to read it and I just said "I'm not going to read that" subject dropped.
Read the book Splitting by Randy Kruger and Bill Eddy. They tell you everything that's going to happen when you're leaving  a person like this.
And keep posting. There's so much good help here!
If it's a parenting call, there should be no other subject to discuss other than the kids. Refuse to talk about the relationship, and just keep asking if there's anything else pertaining to the kids that needs to be talked about. If not, then a polite "Ok, bye, then" is all that's necessary.
Just be aware, they're going to try to hoover you back in with all sorts of false promises. Be prepared.

[hhaw]

I vote don't watch the videos or have contact regarding the PD's therapist or therapy.  That's the PD's business, not yours.  It's OK to gently assert that boundary and enforce it.

It's  OK to limit contact with the stbx...... maybe set up an account on a parenting board like My Family Wizard..... one of those and keep the chit chat strictly about the children. 

The less exposure to the PD, the better your mental health, IME.

[notrightinthehead]

Whitewolf, if I remember correctly, your partner was very abusive. Please protect yourself from any further abuse, be it in the form of manipulation or accusations or emotional blackmail at this point. They have to find their support elsewhere, you need to protect yourself from them and any further abuse.
You might be amazed how quickly they will find another supply once they realize you are no longer playing the game. You might also realize how quickly they are back to abusing you should you decide to go back and support them.

[escapingman]

I concur with what others have said. I have not been through a divorce yet, but I plan to enforce limiting contact to only approved channels related to the children. Like hhaw suggested, My Family Wizard would be a good choice.

If you're not living in the same house (doesn't sound like you are), you don't have to respond to STBX. This might be extreme, but when I get there, I plan to block them on my phone, block their email address, block them on social media. Tell them that all contact should happen through the attorney. Ignore any messages that are not directly related to the kids. If they violate this boundary and try to use new channels, just delete without even reading it. I even have a friend who I could send messages to and say, "is this pertaining to the kids? Should I read it?"

This is what I plan to do, at least. I know my uPDw would do all the same things...tell me how wonderful our life was and how I'm throwing it all away...she loves trying to fight with me via text. The only way I can get away from this is to stop it from the source.

You are spot on here BW - block, delete, do whatever to stop all contact avenues. I am "lucky" in the sense that I have a court order right now that states no contact is allowed other than related to the children's well fare. She has kept her side as she would be terrified of being dragged back into court for further embarrassment. However she is now trying to exploit the "loophole" about the children's well fare and has written me a couple of long emails relating to an injury of my daughter in her care. It's all to try to get supply and to get me dragged back in, the first one I replied with a one liner on a question relating to treatment, the second I ignored as it was clear she had already arranged the treatment plan before I replied to the first.

[WhiteWolf]

Everyone's replies have been so helpful and given me a lot of courage. You all also set my head back on straight and I really appreciate your support!

I told my PD last night I wasn't going to watch the videos and they backed off right away, apparently realized they pushed a bit too far and showed their colors too soon. Haha.

Unfortunately I can't block them altogether because the court gave them a nightly parenting call. ☹️

[hhaw]

I hope it's a regular call and not a zoom call.

[WhiteWolf]

hhaw unfortunately it can be a video call. But if my PD does that I just tell them to text or call with any parenting stuff as I really don't want to see their face. Definitely too triggering and the trauma is still fresh. I'm going to try to get them moved onto a parenting app soon....