what do I say?

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I had to live in the same house with my husband for several months until it was sold.

It certainly is not an ideal situation - as soon as the house was on the market, I got an apartment.  I'm sharing this just so you  know that it can be done - I visited this site often and used my tools as much as I was able to.   

You'll figure out what you need and when you need it 

[hhaw]

Interviewing many attorneys is a good idea, IME.

The best, so tour PD can't hire them.

As for who you choose to represent you...... I find those who used to be Prosecutors tend to "get it" bc they've seen and dealt with PDs in the criminal justice system.... you get less swagger and stupid all knowing assurances they've "seen it all" when clearly most have not seen the level of PD behaviors they claim they have, IME.

You don;t have to like your attorney.  Don;t expect compassion.  An attorney is a tool and you have to know something about the laws and your civil justice system in order to get the best and highest use out of your attorney.

Another indicator a potential attorney is the right choice is.... if they actually look up case law and get back to you BEFORE barking out an answer to a question you post regarding PD behaviors and getting through the divorce process.

Almost all attorneys want to follow the rules of back and forth filings and Answers with no one requiring the PD to be timely or be held accountable for lying, stealing or falsifying documents, etc. 

My attorneys sqie things like.... :"He'd NEVER DO THAT" then pretend they had no idea my PD would DO that..... except I TOLD them many times and was dismissed, ignored and punished for saying it. 

Finding an attorney who thinks out side the box, (is willing to go to bat for you, press for ROs, ask the Court to hold the PD accountable sooner, refuse to push back court/deposition/hearing dates, etc) will protect you and enforce your rights rather than attend to opposing counsel's comfort and timeframe would be a good darned start in finding an attorney, IME.

If an attorney ridicules you or your story..... they're not for you.  If they look at your evidence and draw logical conclusions... that's a pretty good fit, IME. Find an attorney with a decent reputation in your court system  isn't a bad idea.  Finding one your Judge LOVES is even better.  That might mean you change attorneys after you're assigned a Judge, btw.  Changing attorneys isn't difficult and often is a good idea IF your attorney isn't a good fit, IME. 

BTW, if you're frightened of your PD...... it's better to be very calm when you meet with attonreys in the beginning.  Esp male attorneys who see fear and tears as "bitchy" and they don't like to "look at bitchy women."  Quotes from my second divorce attorney, btw.  I think there are many PDs practicing law and that can work to our advantage if we have one working FOR us in system, IME. The trick is to get them on your team, bc yu don't need one you're paying working against you. 

Esp if you're in a big city..... attorneys tend ot be jaded and bitter and  are good at shuffling papers around and charging a lot of money while enabling PDs to draw out the legal process and expand the case when IME that CAN be limited IF you find the right attorney who understands PDs, believes you and cares about doing a competent job.  Rare, but worth interviewing many attorneys to find, if you can find one.

[escapingman]

Good luck losingmyself, make sure you don't let him know what you want as that is what he is going to fight to keep. The only thing STBX really cares about in our divorce is the kids, not because she wants them but to make sure I pay as she knows they are my everything.

[losingmyself]

Thank you everyone for your kind words, it means the world to me.
HHaw, I understand what you're saying about lawyers, but how would I find out how a judge feels about my lawyer? I haven't been in the court system at all, so I don't know who's reputation is good.  I think the lawyer I called is well liked. But he didn't give me any clear direction.
The lawyer I really like, who very much advocates for the person he is representing has had his license suspended for 90 days because of a complaint. So, he'll be back in a couple months, but I don't know how he'll be viewed by the courts. This is a small town, and rumors spread rapidly. I would trust him, but would a judge? I might check out a lawyer in a nearby town... I'm going to try a female lawyer. Everyone else here is so young!!
EM, I'm going to make a list, and hopefully have it part of my papers that the lawyer draws up. I really only want the house and the things from my parents. Luckily there's no kids involved. I hope you're doing well.

[JustKeepTrying]

losingmyself - while the lawyer is suspended, who is giving his cases too/referring clients too - call him anyway. 

[hhaw]

Small town.....hmmmm.

I was in a big city.....but here are ideas.


1.  Ask the suspended attorney who he would hire if it was him or his DD divorcing in your County.  If you know which Judge you'll get, ask specifically which attorney for that Judge is goid, better, best.

2.  Ask the secretaries of the attorneys you're considering who they'd hire if it was them or their child needing representation.  Sometimes people share a lot of very useful information and are happy to be helpful.

3.  Ask the Clerk or one of the Clerks of the Superior Court in your County who they'd hire, etc.

4.  Call a criminal attorney's office and ask their staff who they'd hire.  Maybe call 2 or 3 and ask.

5.  Read reviews for attorneys practicing family law in your County.

6.  Ask the attorneys you're interviewing who they'd hire if they had your Judge.  That's how I found out ex prosecutors "get it" more quickly and I found out who got my dense Judge through law school.

I would have hired the ex prosecutor over the attorney my Judge adored, but the ex prosecutor backed out, I suspect bc my first attorney got to him and sabotaged me, but I can't know for sure.

I ended up hiring an N with a huge ego and zero compassion, but my Judge's eyes did light up when he walked in the room.

This is a game of inches and strategy comes into play more tgan is fair, ime.  You do what you can then stop worrying about it.  Try to do things you enjoy that build you up then do what you can again.

Thus us a marathon and you can't really know if something will work for it against you in the legal system.

Sometimes the PDs push an advantage so far......they show everyone what they are and you benefit where you thought you'd be ruined.

Try not to judge.  Get all the info you can and remember....you're going to be divorced wether you suffer and struggle and worry your way through OR find ways to be joyful, cultivate new connections and interests invest in self care and a goid trauma informed therapist who teaches you better coping strategies and ways to calm your Nervous System so you can bring your entire brain to help you problem solve and access more choice.

[Lauren17]

I'm a little late.  But, having just been through this, I have lots of thoughts to share.
Your original post was on "what to say."
I would recommend coming up with a short summary ahead of time. Then pick one or two sentences out of the summary to repeat over and over when the "But WHYYYY?" starts.  They can be short and sweet.
"I can't take any more."
"I'm ready to start my own life."
Whatever makes sense to you.  Maybe your S can help you come up with these statements.

A thing my T recommended that helped immensely was to brainstorm all possible reactions from PD.  Cry? Beg forgiveness? Get angry? Threaten harm? Express Relief?  What ever pops up on your list. Then, sit down and think up how you would respond to each of those reactions.  I used the majority of responses from this exercise.  And most of them in the first week, when emotions were highest.

I would recommend researching Dr. Ramini's CRAVED method.  I used that when speaking with lawyers, mediators and custody evaluators. Some people saw and named the abuse, some didn't.  Still, I'm glad I had the tool to use.

I would also recommend researching Rebecca Zung's SLAY your negotiations method.  Just this month, I was able to go back to the work I'd done there, remind myself of my bottom line, and pull myself out of another serving of divorce word salad.

Know that this is going to be a long, hard process.  Do you have a support team?  Both here and IRL?  Let them (us) help!  Also, be kind to yourself and take the best care of yourself that you can.

You can do this!!