Why am I feeling this way?????

Twinkletoes88 · July 05, 2019, 12:41:13 PM

I've written on here a fair bit lately so you can see the background to this in more detail if needed/wanted but basically my NPDm kinda vanished on me since I last saw her in March & half of me was pleased she had given up and half of me was hurt and felt like a rejected child all over again.

Anyway... I've been trying to process that and my therapist happens to be on holiday at the moment but on the whole I've been doing fine - writing on here, in my diary, letting myself feel things blah blah blah.

Anyway, this afternoon seemingly out of the blue my mother text me and said it had been ages, that she missed me badly and when could we meet up. I was shocked and wasn't expecting it at all. I didn't know how I felt about it or what to say.

In the end I text back and made some small talk and then we started talking about potential dates and times to meet up next. I found myself thinking we could meet for a drink tonight - I set the boundary that we didn't drink together over a year ago, so why would I even think that? I felt all uncomfortable inside: I knew it was a bad idea and yet I kept thinking it could be good (how??). I decided after about an hour to suggest it but hilariously she already had plans tonight anyway! LOL

I've just got home and I find myself feel horrible. I feel disgusting and ugly and fat and angry and sad and crying and I don't even know why. Why? Why has this made me feel this way? Nothing bad even happened!

I don't even know what's happened to me but right now I'm feeling confused and all out of control. I just wondered if anyone here could help me figure this out a bit so I can calm down and stop feeling so... so whatever I am feeling!

sunflowerdust · July 05, 2019, 01:26:44 PM

Don't know if this will help, but something I read recently-

"There will be a period of time during your recovery when your state of mind will improve, and yet your brain and body will react the same old way they are conditioned to. For example, social situations that no longer scare you might still evoke the same shaky voice and inability to communicate. Do not worry about it; it is a stage of the recovery, and an important one at that.

"The key to recovery is to accept your old reactions without attacking yourself for it, without being angry or negative, no matter how much you repeat old mistakes and behaviour. Be compassionate and kind instead, and carry on with your recovery process. This new attitude will finally change the reaction of the 'old brain.'"

Narcissistic Mothers and Covert Emotional Abuse: For Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents
Diana Macey

Twinkletoes88 · July 05, 2019, 03:48:48 PM

This is really interesting and I'm thinking about it to see if that's what happened with me but I'm not entirely sure....

I haven't got any reason to have felt the way I did. Nothing happened. I didn't suggest drinking with her and then do it and regret it.... Nothing bad happened.

Maybe it's the fact that in one single message I dropped the boundary I've fought so hard to maintain? Maybe it's the fact that I did that showing me how easy it is for her to click her fingers and make me come running - figuratively speaking... maybe it's that she was busy and couldn't see me... I genuinely do not know.

What I do know is that every interaction with her affects me physically and emotionally. Every damn time.

blues_cruise · July 05, 2019, 05:34:22 PM

Actions speak louder than words, however it is so hard to reconcile that when the PD parent is telling us what we (or our inner child) so badly wants to hear and believe. I think her sudden desire to see you after giving you the cold shoulder for so long must be confusing for you. For a long time you've been trying to adjust to the idea that she wants to remain distant and cold, then all of a sudden she's love bombing you...naturally that's going to mess with your head. I'm so sorry she can't be consistent, please focus on maintaing those boundaries because they are so important.

Twinkletoes88 · July 06, 2019, 01:10:12 AM

Quote from: blues_cruise on July 05, 2019, 05:34:22 PM
Actions speak louder than words, however it is so hard to reconcile that when the PD parent is telling us what we (or our inner child) so badly wants to hear and believe. I think her sudden desire to see you after giving you the cold shoulder for so long must be confusing for you. For a long time you've been trying to adjust to the idea that she wants to remain distant and cold, then all of a sudden she's love bombing you...naturally that's going to mess with your head. I'm so sorry she can't be consistent, please focus on maintaing those boundaries because they are so important.

Hey blues cruise

Thank you for this. I think maybe that's it yeah.. it's confusing. For months now I've been trying to adjust to her being distant and I thought she had discarded me; particularly when she didn't even try to see me for my birthday... I've been crying and trying to accept that now I won't drink with her, she's not remotely interested in me and then all of a sudden she texts me and she says she's really missing me and then there's a sudden chance we're going to meet up that very same evening! And then not again koz she's busy... yeah I think perhaps it just all threw me.

I'm annoyed with myself that after all this time I still suggested we went out for a drink. It's such a bad idea. I know that and yet part of me clearly still wants that. I know why that is, because that's what SHE wants and 1) I'm trained to give her what she wants, but 2) I've been feeling so rejected and discarded lately that I guess I know doing this will help!

In hindsight today I'm glad she couldn't make it, she did me a favour but maybe last night my brain needed time to catch up.

Annoyingly she's suggested drinks on another Friday night now so I think it's best I find a different time for breakfast or lunch etc - a shorter time with no alcohol!!

Thank you for understanding the confusion. X

sunflowerdust · July 06, 2019, 04:31:02 AM

Quote from: Twinkletoes88 on July 05, 2019, 03:48:48 PM
This is really interesting and I'm thinking about it to see if that's what happened with me but I'm not entirely sure....

I haven't got any reason to have felt the way I did. Nothing happened. I didn't suggest drinking with her and then do it and regret it.... Nothing bad happened.

Maybe it's the fact that in one single message I dropped the boundary I've fought so hard to maintain? Maybe it's the fact that I did that showing me how easy it is for her to click her fingers and make me come running - figuratively speaking... maybe it's that she was busy and couldn't see me... I genuinely do not know.

What I do know is that every interaction with her affects me physically and emotionally. Every damn time.

That makes a lot of sense. Sorry my thoughts were kind of off on the matter; I can say I'm in a somewhat similar situation with my own mom, so still trying to figure it all out as well. But I do know the feeling.

Lilyloo · July 06, 2019, 08:49:02 AM

I have set boundaries many times with my mother, only to be reeled back in. The last time was because of an email where she said "I miss my daughter" My pitiful little heart(childlike) fell hook, line and sinker! I visited her after months of not going. Foolish, foolish me! The visit was not about missing her daughter. The visit was so she could dump all of her woes, her sad life, her misery on me

I came home the same mess I do everytime!

I hear you Twinkletoes88, I feel your hurt

Our hearts, our inner child, and the adult we are now needs our mothers. Sadly this will never happen I send you

I am trying very hard to find joy and love in other places. Blessings to you today

gettingstronger1 · July 06, 2019, 07:52:31 PM

Maybe the tears and anxiety you are feeling are your body's way of telling you that you are not quite ready to meet in public yet. Being in her physical presence is a big step when you have not seen her in awhile. Maybe it would be better to start with short phone conversations or emails. Be careful not to reveal anything personal about your self so she can't use that against you. If she becomes abusive you can quickly exit the phone conversation and block her number to protect yourself. A couple of years ago, I felt physically ill at the thought of seeing my Enabling dad. He talked me into staying and the visit was a disaster. I should have trusted my gut and not put myself through that misery.

TriedTooHard · July 07, 2019, 07:10:28 AM

Could it also be that despite the relief that your mother didn't discard you, she is not going to get well? My T suggested this to me a while back, and I said that I know she isn't going to get well, I studied up on PDs and I understand the concept. However, my T thought I still carried that hope that I was somehow wrong and my mother would get better. My T also said that when my mother reached out like this, it may be a sign of her version of love, even though a lot of literature says that people with uNPD can't love. Yes, its a dysfunctional, conditional love, kind of like her love for an object, but she is not a sociopath, so its very confusing.