The role of a person who died

Started by sunshine702, March 08, 2024, 04:18:24 PM

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sunshine702

I have been thinking about grief and the ROLE a person played in the family structure.  Yes losing that person who changed the mousetraps / drove the big RV / put down the pavers sucks.  Learning to to that for yourself or getting the son to do it is an adjustment.  But to ONLY or MOSTLY grieve for THAT seems really limited and not something I want for my relationships.  A wife is not just a hooker/chef/housecleaner. You have lost a beloved PERSON!!  When I lost my dog it was not just about me not being able to pet him.  Does that make sense?!!

I guess that is what Ramani talks about when she explains Narcs view you as a coffeemaker. They love the coffee but do not think about it at all except for at coffee time.  The coffeemaker has no feelings back. You don't think about what the coffee maker needs or wants.

Thoughts?

Now I may not be seeing some private grief but that takeaway has been rattling around in my head the last few weeks


Call Me Cordelia

#1
I think you are right. In my own narc family and in-laws, I've seen a bit of a flip of that as well. My mother grieved her father because he helped to manage her mother's narc-ness. But my MIL grieved that her mother took so long to die... her mother hadn't given her much supply for years. In my own relationships with them, I think I've "gotten away" with being NC in large part because who needs a broken coffeemaker anyway?

The person is not seen by the true narcissist, and so they cannot grieve them. It's appalling when it shows up so clearly like this, but it was only ever about them. They may have enough awareness to try to keep up appearances, but that just doesn't last. They don't miss people for themselves because they never cared about them. I'm sure I will never be missed by any in my family. Could they use a scapegoat? Sure, but doubtless I've been replaced, just like the coffeemaker.

bloomie

Sunshine702 - I am pretty sure that for some there is no such thing as a beloved other. Where you or I would experience nostaglia, grief, a significant sense of absence of a unique, valued, human being we have lost, it doesn't appear to be a part of certain people's nature. Out of sight, out of mind.

The coffee maker analogy is spot on and Cordelia: "in large part because who needs a broken coffeemaker anyway?"  :yes:

I have wondered if the grieving is happening privately, as you have mentioned. And I also wonder, in a couple of cases, if it is part of their religious beliefs that it is 'wrong' to wish someone here that was ill or suffering?

I also wonder if there is just a complete disconnection between heart and head with some?

It is disconcerting to observe, that is for sure!
 

The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.

sunshine702

#3
I came across other people wondering this with Narcs and some people have suggested they grieve for what that person DID FOR THEM not the person.  Like in my family each kid exists as an extension of HER to SERVE her in her mind.  I think grief (while we all do it differently) is a HUGE TELL about how they think and see the world!

It's about THEM not about the dead person.




sunshine702

#4
This is why I grow more and more convinced ex MIL is a covert Narc.  I really think death/dying / grief really shines a light on their thinking.  If you are somewhat close to it you SEE it. 

So I watched her grieve the husband . She cried one day.  A few days after the funeral.  She withdrew and rested for about a week then she moved to replace the ROLE that he filled for her. My now ex will now play the role of husband and protector (something he is very much looking forward to!) and her 13 year old grandkid will now play the role of massive road trip travel partner (I don't see this going well but time will tell - maybe it will go great).

Contrast this with the a childhood friend dying at 75 ish.  Weeks holed up in her house deeply affected.  Son dutiful watching over his dead mother as she grieves for husband err ...checks notes... a friend from childhood that had never been to visit her that I knew about.  I had never seen or hear of this person.  So how "close" were they really?!

I honestly think that friend is her coming to grips with her mortally at her age. It's all about them!

My Narc mom was saying the same thing.  The father of a hockey friend of my Golden Child brother passed away .  And my mom said THAT hit her hard — again their OWN mortality



Rose1

My exupdmil on a number of occasions made it clear that she wanted, or was prepared to bully until she got, money, jewellery etc. the first time.i saw it I was shocked.

Eventually I expected it but a lot of family who had only ever seen the little old lady routine were quite confronted by the full on demands.