Repetition compulsion - neighbors edition

[Pinkos]

I've been in an awful cycle of trying to build some kind of collective action/community/supportive coalition (I don't know exactly how to refer to it) against a crappy landlord. There are 5 of us (all single women) that moved into the building around the same time almost 2 decades ago. It's rent controlled in a very HCOL city in a great location. The issues with the landlord are a mile long.

Lately we've had some security issues where people are breaking in at night and essentially squatting in our laundry room, sleeping in the back hallways etc. Like most major cities, homelessness is rampant so is property theft and gun violence. Everyone in the building is aware of the security issues. The 5 of us hired a low cost tenant lawyer to try to push the landlord and it's been ineffective so far. BUT at this point I find myself beyond frustrated with this group of women and their complacency. We're women in a predominantly male building. We're all single. IOW, we're more vulnerable. And yet they remain passive despite my many efforts to coax them out of it. They are non-responsive to emails/texts, which slows everything down. It took FOREVER to get a letter out from our lawyer to the landlord cause ppl were just not responding. When they do respond, they provide no meaningful input and have a passive engagement style. They assume someone else is taking care of any follow up and they can just check out for long periods of time (literally one of them said this to me). By someone else they're assuming me because I'm the one who keeps pushing for this collective action.

Sometimes I feel like they are treating me as the building advocate and informing me of problems like I'm supposed to act as the liaison with the landlord. That somehow my desire to pursue and encourage collective action is being twisted into this expectation of me to take care of things while they go about their lives. And I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I either chase them down and do all the work to hopefully get some resolution from the landlord or I do nothing and give up and potentially be victimized by an intruder. I just don't understand their complacency. We're not talking about loads of time and energy here. Just a reasonable amount of interest and checking email/being responsive. Just to be clear, I'm careful not to pester them regularly. I do periodically try to get the group going when some issue flares up. But at this point I'm starting to feel like a nuisance. Even though they also play a part in encouraging these efforts at the beginning.

I was hoping to buy a condo this year but that's been a discouraging process with the low inventory of affordable places & high interest rates. And it's been hard trying to find a trustworthy realtor. I made contact with a new one just yesterday so we'll see how that goes. The rental market is insane and after decades of renting I'd really like to buy and feel more settled at this point in my life. Everything just feels sooo hard!! Is it just me who feels this way lately?? I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall with my neighbors and I need to stop but I feel stuck in a weird loop with it. I am having a hard time just giving up. I know I can be stubborn and I'm sick of this landlord just ignoring these serious issues. And I feel like we're the ones impacted and if we don't advocate for ourselves no one else will. I upgraded my locks to high security ones so that gives me some protection at least.

I guess I'm just venting and also looking for feedback, insight, reality checks or maybe I just need to be told to just STOP ALREADY! If you made it this far, thanks for reading and for any comments.

[Hopeful Spine]

I see you.  I am you.

I find myself in this sort of situation time and again.  This is why I've started to opt out of group projects until I sort myself out.

You, however, have a much more pressing cause to pursue and you don't have the luxury of opting out, unless you want to sacrifice your goal of safety in your own home.

I personally work best in groups where I am an assistance who is tasked by another person who is leading things.  I care but I'm not super invested in these activities but I do the work that I've committed to and support whoever cares more in the collective cause.  This isn't a problem for me.  I've participated in many committees where everyone seems willing to work together.

When I am in charge, people sort of fade away.  I might have one or two people who will help when asked but will ultimately not really follow through unless I bug them.  I get enough kuddos along the way to keep me going and the group compliments me when the goal is reached but it's definitely not a group effort and I end up annoyed, resentful and confused on where things went wrong.

The latest example is my class reunion.  Another gal and I were in charge.  She was super popular in high school - I was not.  But that doesn't matter.  Adult me was able to work with her as we kicked around ideas and got a few other people to join us.  No one started the group text to get us all connected - so I did.  I threw out some ideas but no one moved so I researched a few venues with my opinion on which would be best.  I asked if anyone else could research x, y, z and they all said, "no, your idea sounds great, let's do that."  So I booked it and was the main contact for the venue.  No one was interested in dealing with caterers.  No one was making a move to actually invite our classmates.  When I'd say, "hey we need to do A, B, C, they said, just let me know if you need help."  To be honest the planning was easy and didn't require more than one person, but it was just everything along the way.  It gave me all sorts of anxiety because even though I am a vastly different person than I was 30 years ago, I struggle a lot with my self esteem.  But maybe I really was the super awkward teen they remembered?  After all - how can so many grown adults be avoiding this group effort that we all should care a little about?

It wasn't until I finally ASKED the group to contribute in specific ways that they followed through.  Even then I had to follow up with them.  It was low key maddening.  I know a class reunion isn't a super big deal but if you are supposed to be planning it - then plan it, right?  After spiraling and coming back to reality I have to assume that since I took charge and seemed to be doing fine - no one else really cared enough to have thoughts of their own (which I sort of understand in this situation).  It must have been evident to them that I cared enough to not drop the ball.  So they went on with their lives and gave me enough feedback to keep things going.  (and they did thank me in the end)

My example is silly, compared to the issues you are dealing with.  But I sense that this must be happening with you. 

Yes, you ALL have this annoying, and potentially dangerous, activity going on in your area.  But nothing bad has really happened yet (assault, rape, etc) so no one is super motivated to do anything.  Except you.

To judge the lack of interest these are honest questions to ask yourself.  Maybe you are fighting a cause no one else wants to fight?

- Is there real danger or are you maybe more sensitive and more triggered by what is going on?

- Are the other single women more equipped to deal with these issues?  Are they stronger, more assertive, have self defense skills, or a boyfriend that comes around often enough?

- Are you too intense with your efforts that there isn't room for anyone else to jump in?

To be clear - I'm taking you at your original post and I believe that you have a real danger and are behaving appropriately.  The initial interest you received tells me that you are correct that something needs to be done.  I suspect people are busy and are just counting on you to continue taking the lead on a problem that they all agree is happening.

I would decide if you can do this alone or if you need actual help.  If you can do this alone and only need their signatures and/or their financial contributions (to pay that lawyer or whatever) then tell these ladies that your efforts are being held up by their lack of communication and you just want to know that you can count on their support when the time arrives.  They may prefer regular group emails with just updates.  This puts more on you but if it keeps things moving then you life is safer.  The email updates keeps you on their radar for when you really need them.

I have found that I can accomplish more on my own than dealing with passive people.  For myself I have accepted that I'm not group leader material and have honed how I can better accomplish things within my comfort zone and using my personal strengths.

If you need actual help then make a list of your tasks and share with the group.  Say something like, "these are the things that need to be done.  I am doing X, Y, Z and do not have time to do more.  Who can take care of L, M, N, O, P and report back to the group by this date?

Or, is there even one other person who seems to care more?  Maybe lean into her and try to team up instead of group up.  Two is better than one.  And two active people are certainly better than 4 non active people trailing behind you.

I don't know if my advice is good but my intentions to hear your vent are.  Best wishes.  It must be hard to not feel safe, to know others are not safe, and to have no one willing to really help make the situation better.  You are a good person who is trying to make things better for everyone.  You should be supported.

[xredshoesx]

i hope the meeting with the new realtor is fruitful.

i don't function well in a group in general because indecisiveness irks me. in my mind we make the plan we stick to it, we see results and if not re-evaluate. literally being here has been the most successful team i've been a part of in that respect.  at my job when the collective breaks down my motto is I DO WHAT I WANT TO GET IT DONE and make sure the means justify the end result.

i would get annoyed too.  you ever think about bolting a combination lock on the laundry room door??????  that would get the building admin down right quick.  it's not going to be a problem for them until it's a PROBLEM.


here in our city people will break into homes, both occupied and not, and literally strip out all the pipes, furnace, appliances.

[Pinkos]

@Hopeful Spine thank you for your comment - it is helpful to get an outside perspective! And it's good to know that these group efforts can be annoying in general and it's not necessarily my inability to make it work that's the problem. I have really tried to be self-aware and not overfunction so others can step up. One woman has stepped up and takes initiative but I think she's feeling resentful too. So it's up and down with her. I like the concept of teaming up with her instead of grouping up. We use group email and text to communicate. They're good about reporting problems but they just wait for someone else to do the follow up. And I resent this immensely. I just don't know how to overcome this and decide to just do what needs doing myself and drag them along! 

In order to really force the landlord's hand we would have to be organized in the form of a tenant association. I'm trying to decide if it's worth getting that started again. I sent them a text yesterday asking them to let me know if they're interested in setting a tenant meeting and also to let me know if they just don't want to be bothered with fighting the landlord and escalating to a rent strike possibly. I have been second guessing myself since I haven't received any responses yet. I tend to want to be direct about things esp when I'm frustrated. But I realize that could be construed as me accusing them of not doing their part by asking that question and they may resent me as well because I'm forcing them out of their comfort zone. I don't know how to be resentful and not show it!!! Is that even possible?

I think the situation could easily escalate and someone could be assaulted. I would hate to wait until that happens. Something happened overnight where one of these squatters was screaming and an ambulance was called. There was blood all over the front and back stairs. Someone called the police yesterday afternoon and everyone was out in the hallways discussing what may have happened. And it was just chaos. People talking over each other, venting etc. But again everyone waiting for SOMEONE ELSE to do something! Some tenants saying they just want to mind their business etc. It was hard to get people to listen. I told everyone they need to complain to the landlord more. One of the women in the group of 5 said rather tersely that complaining hasn't done anything. Well what's the alternative? It seemed like she was frustrated with me. Then she left. One of the other women and I talked for a while and she said we should have a meeting and call a rent strike. But as usual, offered to do nothing herself. That's when I sent the follow up text to the women and I'm still waiting to hear back. If, like you, they would be willing to do tasks assigned to them and be responsive to emails/texts I would have no problem leading the way. I also just resent exerting so much emotional energy thinking about this! I imagine them relaxing drinking wine and watching Netflix while I'm over here furiously typing and looking for feedback! Lol.

@xredshoesx I too get easily frustrated with passivity! I would think that when it comes to safety people would be more motivated to do something. Believe me I'm open to unorthodox methods to get it done and achieve what we need but I need cooperation and buy-in from the others. That's what's so hard about this situation - if they were passive follower types it would be easier and I'd feel less resentful. While I try not to take it personally, maybe they just don't like me and don't want to listen to me as a result.

[Hopeful Spine]

Yikes that situation you described sounds awful.  I too am boggled that others aren't seeing the danger, seeing you take up the lead and not being more supportive and helpful to you in your efforts.

I don't know much about this sort of thing at all but I do understand your frustration.  And you are right - they probably ARE relaxing in their homes, expecting that what you are doing is taking care of the situation.  Too often I'm doing the emotional labor only to learn that others are living their best lives while I suffer. 

It sounds like you have a good support in that one person.  Focus on what you guys can do together.  With your recent chaos you might be able to gather some steam if you two ladies team up.

Best wishes.  You deserve a safe place to live.  I hope your meeting with the realtor goes well and things turn around for you.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Pinkos,

I think this is really really common in groups. What you are describing in their behavior doesn't surprise me at all given what I've seen in groups. When there's a problem (in your case, the landlord's inability address issues) there's a lot that has to be done:

- the issue has to be raised
- information needs to be collected and collated
- all sorts of communication and documentation is required
- people have to advocate (repeatedly) for those who are impacted by the problem(s).

What your fellow tenants are doing are the easier tasks - they are telling you the problems, and then leaving you to do the much more challenging tasks - the advocacy and communication tasks. From what I've seen, few people will show up for the advocacy tasks.

You mentioned that they are complacent. Psychologically speaking, I say it is because those people have fear, and avoidant strategies that kick in.

You're willing to advocate on your own and others behalf. That demonstrates emotional and psychological maturity.

My guess is that at least a few of the people you're advocating on behalf of, want someone else to take care of the problem so they don't have to. Growing up, they probably adopted this approach to life at some point. It's like one kid in a family who sounds the alarm that there's a problem, and then a few half-safe by-standers saying "we agree with you, we're just too busy to come and stand with you". This is avoidance. Like you said, you send them communication and you don't hear back. This is an issue they have said is important to them yes? And so they avoid the tasks that scare them. Leaving you to sort out next steps to get the issues addressed.

If you developed good problem solving skills (which it sounds like you did) then the avoidant people who refuse to engage in the problem solving along side you, will frustrate you. They want the problem solved, but they want someone else to do it. Sometimes, the situation warrants us to just do the heavy lifting. For example, in your case where this involves your housing situation, which is important.

You mentioned that you see them as staying in their comfort zone. That is so common. You could consider asking the individuals who are being passive / avoidant if they can do some specific tasks to help the group. But they can say no. It certainly isn't fair for them to behave like this. It sucks when we encounter people who say "nah, you do it". Especially regarding a problem they want solved too.

You wrote that you don't understand their complacency. I think you do understand their complacency. You just can't relate to it, because you don't deal with problems the way that they do. You've taken all sorts of action when they have been complacent.

I'm sorry to say that a lot of people develop avoidant coping mechanisms - and even if they will say they want change, they will not act on their own behalf. People who are complacent in the face of problems are dependent. They are depending on others to address the problems, even problems they can talk about, they just won't take much action on. Talk is cheap, as the saying goes...

It takes a lot out of us to act on behalf of ourselves and others. It sounds like you have been championing your own right to a safe place to live, and this is worth fighting for. Somewhere along the way in life you developed strong self-advocacy skills and ultimately, the goal is for you to have a safe place to live. Sometimes we have to accept the fact that there are complacent people in the group who don't do much when it comes to addressing problems.

It's probably often a small group of people who create change that benefits a whole bunch of other people who sat by waiting for someone else to make things better for them too. We can't wait for complacent folks to wake up. Some of them really won't. Maybe some of them can help you out in specific ways - if you see signs they want to help with some of the tasks that have been on your shoulders?

When I have faced similar situations (where I'm now advocating for a change that will benefit others - but none of them will do any heavy lifting), I do ask myself, what will happen if I drop this? if I pull out as well? It depends on the situation. If the goal was minor - such as getting an event organized in the community and no one was willing to help organize it, then my pulling out just results in the event not occurring. Your situation involves your sense of safety where you live. Pulling out may not be a viable option if you continue to live there. It is worth asking yourself what are the pros and cons of dropping it and only you know what that would look like given the particulars of the scenario.

Trees

[Pinkos]

@Hopeful Spine thanks for your thoughts and well wishes.

@Trees This issue ties in with our discussion in that other thread about this me me me era we're living in don't you think? I think it could be fear and avoidance as a coping mechanism as you suggest. Two of the 5 women have flat out said they would like someone else to lay out the options for them or do the legwork.

I guess I understand this....shoot....who among us wouldn't love to have our problems solved by others. I think what I'm struggling to understand is —- why not respond to emails and texts in a timely manner? I'm talking about responding with yay or nay or providing requested info from the lawyer etc. Why not make it easier for others who are trying to solve a problem you want solved? Responsiveness is encouragement in this case. One of them asked that we prompt her by text to respond to emails cause she just doesn't check email. Except she does seem to see all the emails the landlord sends pretty quickly and will let us know when she receives any concerning messages/harassment! Hm. She encourages me to text her all the time and wants to engage in gossipy talk about the problems and of course she suggests things that could be done and then when I follow through by email to the larger group she doesn't respond. And she wants emotional support when she has to deal with the landlord for any problems in her unit. She did offer her credit card for the lawyer and we reimbursed her.

They all responded Sunday and passively agreed to join a meeting for this evening. I said I would put up flyers and as I did it yesterday after work it just all felt futile.

I titled this post 'repetition compulsion' bc sometimes I feel like I have spent too much time in life expending too much emotional/relational energy for very little gain. FOO, bosses, friendships etc. And in the end I feel unproductive and stagnant. These are my regrets in life.

Like you said, talk is cheap and that's all they do. And cheap talk is all that will be done at the meeting this evening. I'm tired of listening and caring. And I think they walk away feeling like they've accomplished something and I walk away anxious thinking about next steps and wondering if THIS TIME it will be different and they'll engage more.

@Hopeful Spine asked if I was being too intense. Maybe I need to just chill tf out!!!? Sometimes I envy people's ability to just not give a d***.

[Hopeful Spine]

@Hopeful Spine asked if I was being too intense. Maybe I need to just chill tf out!!!? Sometimes I envy people's ability to just not give a d***.

Lol.  Intense is subjective.  I have no doubt that you are being appropriate.  I too wish I could just say, "Oh well . . ."  But your living situation currently sucks.  Why wouldn't they want to deal with this ASAP so they can solve the problem and get on with their lives?  Doesn't make sense to me.

[Poison Ivy]

Stuff like this is common in many life activities. Think of union organizers, political campaign workers, students in classrooms, people who work for companies: There are always some people who opt to do the minimum they need to get by and others who take the lead.

Try to find the best balance for yourself and to not give too much brain space to the "get by" folks.

[Pinkos]

@Poison Ivy yes, I am focusing too much on the "get by" folks. It feels hard to ignore the "get by" folks in such a small group but I need to.

We had our building wide meeting yesterday and I have to admit that it was nice to vent face to face and hear others' observations about the issue. People were hungry to talk. Talk is good but action is much better! We all agreed to continuously complain to the landlord in writing and build a record. Well, I should say I repeatedly suggested to them that we need to do that and they seemed to agree. I tried to observe more and absorb less. I didn't want to be quick to jump in with ideas/suggestions and take a director role  (I had decided prior to the meeting that I would only suggest complaining regularly and creating a record). I know you all suggested that I ask them to do specific tasks. I feel a lot of internal resistance to doing this - I think I see it as setting myself up as being 'in charge' which I view as one of the causes of their passivity. One of the 'get by' folks offered to reach out to a particular advocacy group so we'll see if she follows through. This was the first time she offered to do any follow up. Maybe the pressure is building? She also took the initiative to collect phone numbers of new tenants and started a chat group. I'll be cautiously hopeful.

I also spoke to a couple more city resource type folks today and it's become clear to me that this problem is going to be ongoing and very slow to solve for various reasons. We don't have any leverage basically. I need to pace myself and get a handle on my sense of urgency. I think that's my big takeaway - this is a marathon not a sprint! 

On a more positive note: I did go out with the new realtor today and we looked at a few condos. I felt comfortable with him. Good first impression so far! Inventory is low in my price range and it may take a while to find the right place but I'm going to remain hopeful and keep at it! I think it's good to feel like I have options and I'm not trapped here. *sigh*

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Pinkos,

It was good to hear that there were some positives last week. Seeing that you may be able to find yourself a condo and leave this one is helpful, it gives you hope.

I can relate to what you wrote about feeling like you've been through this same thing before. People see that you can take care of it - so they drop the ball when they could help you out instead. I'm sorry to say that I just don't think most people are as skilled as you are, and there are lots of people who will pull you aside to complain and gossip, but they won't be willing to go talk to city resource people or manage paperwork like you are doing.

I've learned so much from Lindsay Gibson who wrote Adult children of Emotionally Immature People. She has a new book called disentangling from Emotionally Immature people and wow, it has helped so much to understand where people are coming from. It might help you to see some of the differences between you and some of the people in your building.

One of the signs for me, that I might be dealing with an immature person is that they are not very reliable. That can be a sign of emotional immaturity. They want to rely on others - i.e. the more mature people in the crowd.

Trees

[Pinkos]

Thank you Trees! I appreciate your comments. It is quite disheartening that people have this attitude that if you seem resourceful that means you don't need their help. Especially in a situation like this where they are equally impacted by the problem.

Your point about unreliability is also quite insightful. As we talked about in the other thread, it's important to be nimble and adjust. That's what I'm focusing on now. This week I realized that I've been too focused on their nonverbal communication and their attitude towards me. I'm too concerned with seeming this or seeming that etc. That seems to suck me in more into their immature emotional system. I will be more direct. Short, sweet & more direct.

I'm also questioning the usefulness of having meetings. Having that face to face contact is only productive if it fosters collective action. What I've realized is that talking to them creates more tension and vigilance inside me. This feels like a self inflicted wound at this point.

Thanks for the book rec. I'll look it up.

[Pinkos]

Some update:

It looks like the owner is trying to sell the bldg again. He hasn't put it on the market but a potential buyer was here viewing it last week. In my city there's a law that a landlord has to give tenants the right of 1st purchase. It's a process where we have to form a tenant assoc and then try to find our own buyer/developer. We went through this the last time he tried to sell and he decided to take it off the market. Typically what'll happen is buyers will try to give us a cash-for-keys deal to move out. Last time we had some low ball offers which we refused.

I had a lengthy convo yesterday with the one tenant who's been proactive and basically asked her how much effort she's willing to put forth moving forward since the others are checked out. She seemed willing to exercise our first purchase rights again if we don't get good buy-out offers. But fighting to stay isn't appealing to her either due to the current unsolvable problems we have. She also has a lot of issues in her apt that are not being adequately addressed so her focus is rightly on that. She kept redirecting the convo to talk about her unit.

I guess I'm just posting to vent and looking for support. I feel like I'm catastrophizing and worrying prematurely. But I think I'm just drained with this whole environment. I'm unable to plan and make a decision. I feel like I need to stay away from the collective action route. That's where my burn out is coming from. But I seem to want to go there for the solution. I'm too invested in that avenue instead of just focusing on myself.

The worst thing that can happen is that I have to move and pay half my income in rent for the foreseeable future. I won't be able to save and I won't have the kind of expendable income I've had the past few years. I can do that and wait out the market/for interest rates to go down. And just hope for the best and stay positive. But it seems like my stress tolerance is in the toilet right now and I can only envision a bleak housing future. Looking for some encouragement and insight if anyone feels up to it.

Edited to add: It's also just bad timing as we're leading up to the dreaded holidays. The last time we were getting knocks and emails right around Christmas. I just want to get away from here for the holidays and not think about this at all for a while!

[xredshoesx]

i'm so sorry you all are going through this.  in our area if a the property the renter is occupying is sold they have the right to remain there until the end of the current lease under the same terms.  that wouldn't solve your problem either if you ended up having to rent again.....

[Lookin 2 B Free]

This has been quite the slog, Pinkos.  It sounds like you are unsure if you want to exercise your option to buy, but maybe leaning against doing that? 

When I'm feeling really burned out, I find sometimes setting it aside for a few days and taking a trip or doing something recharging can help.  It can also clear the mind some which can be helpful.

It sounds like you have a good attitude, that even if the worst happens it can still turn out okay. Keep posting here, too, if that brings some relief.  We're here for you!

[Pinkos]

Thanks @xredshoesx and @Lookin2Bfree.

Yes I am hesitant to further engage myself in collective action. Exercising this tenant right of 1st purchase would involve more meetings, more organizing of tenants. It has indeed been a slog. This compulsion on my part is very reminiscent of my role in my FOO. Always the one trying to make the family function better, to be more supportive/loving etc until I finally reached a saturation point and had to go NC. I feel like I'm repeating that pattern.

The issue for me is not about the outcome of these efforts, it's the process. If people don't value the effort, and it's making me so resentful what is the value in engaging? Even if there is no good solution to the problems we're facing as a building, a sincere engagement to find a solution would be worthwhile imo. Coming together as a community and advocating for our needs would be less isolating and give more hope. If people were more invested we have an option to turn the building into a co-op. But that's a pipe dream. 

I feel like perhaps this is an avoidant/flight type of response to feeling overwhelmed about the housing market and having to make a decision for myself about MY life, MY needs, MY goals. I seem to run away from focusing on MYSELF. I'm tired of living from a fearful, stagnant place.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Pinkos,

I think that the stuff you witnessed over the last many months has given you a lot of info about your fellow tenants. Especially when you put in a lot of effort and your time and energy, and then you saw how others did not put in that time and energy into those same efforts. This drained you. But it also informed you.

How can you feel confident that this same group of people (fellow tenants) are going to do the labour required to move forward with another big effort, when you've already been informed as to how they behaved during the last situation?

I would be feeling the same way you feel.

So few folks in your building stepped up to get the work done to address the safety issues they faced in the building, and so it is wise of you to feel hesitant about re-engaging yet again, with the same people, and hope they will be more motivated to work on this new effort. And then you add in that this could occur around the holidays - where a lot of people will simply say "OH I would but I can't cause of the holidays". It gives them an easy out. That will be frustrating. 

It would be quite different if there were a few more folks in your building who you could rely on. That makes a huge difference (when it exists). In the absence of this, I think you are wise to sit with this and consider your options, and what the pros and cons are for you to move forward with different options for yourself.

Your recent convo with a fellow tenant is instructive. You said she kept re-directing the conversation to talk about her unit. So there's your answer. She's not thinking about the collective, she's focused on what is good for her.

Even though you know that if she and others banded together, everyone would benefit. This is a hard sell for people who are individualistic and really just thinking about themselves. You've done a lot to inspire people to act collectively or co-operatively.

Like you said, this crap can easily remind us of our FOO where we tried to get some problem solved and the resistance made our efforts futile. Others have to buy in. Otherwise, there's not much to work with is there?

I wonder if some of the people in your building seem to believe that you'll solve their problems for them. That sure does remind me of my role in my FOO. Ugh. No wonder this sort of stuff causes flashbacks for us.

If it is in your best interest to move forward with staying there if possible, then it sounds like that will involve you doing more work than others. Yes this can remind us of our FOO, but sometimes we do end up taking care of tasks, because we have our eye on the prize. If you want to stay in your building, you may end up doing more than your fellow tenants. The resentment can be separated out - when you know this is going to benefit you in the end. If that makes sense. Sometimes i have had to do way more work than another party, simply because I am working towards an outcome that benefits me in the end.

A lot of problems would be easier to address if people in a building acted in concert, rather than being solely focused on their own individual realm.

Your desire for people to act as a community comes from a longing to be part of a group that functions - which we didn't get in our FOO. Our efforts were not valued, and we long for a community where we are valued. I get it. I long for that too. I think there are a lot of us adult children of narc parents who feel this. We do something (or many things) for our community and it isn't appreciated and it really hits home for us.

Trees

[discarded]

I'm in a similar situation myself. Single woman with other single women in a building where the landlord doesn't properly vet new tenants or workers.  This has resulted in distressing situations where I have been harassed by a black out drunk superintendent and have dealt with aggressive neighbours.

Recently we have tenants who are addicts who do nothing but hassle other tenants and cause distress. Called the police one night because of a domestic assault in the building caused by those particular tenants.

Found out after being told we have proper security cameras that the cameras don't actually work and are merely there for show.

It's so ridiculously expensive here that owning is out of the question unless you're extremely independently wealthy.

Price keeps going up while standard of living has gone down and is even dangerous. We had some creepy dude caught just wandering our building the other day at like 4am.

[Pinkos]

@discarded I'm sorry you're dealing with this type of thing as well. I certainly understand how distressing it is. Living in a HCOL city really limits the options.

@Treesgrowslowly you raise a lot of good points/questions! Thank you for your thoughtful response again - it's helpful and affirming. This comment especially hit me;

Your desire for people to act as a community comes from a longing to be part of a group that functions - which we didn't get in our FOO.

I think I've been craving this all my life. There's a lot of sorrow/emotional flashbacks clouding my ability to be decisive and disconnect from my efforts once and for all. You're absolutely right —- I have spent a lot of energy trying to inspire them towards a collective effort and it's like my words go in one ear and go out the other. Each conversation feels like I'm starting from scratch. And I'm the one initiating the convos. Always. If there's no buy-in it's pointless. That's the bottom line.

Recently two of the women on the top floor saw someone sleeping on their hallway with all his stuff. And their reaction to this was to send a text to the group chat reporting it as if someone was supposed to do something about it! 

The only person they could expect to do anything is me! That's what I'm deducing from them at this point.
I almost sent a pissy response - but I stopped myself thank god!

[Pinkos]

Also, a colleague who works in a diff dept works as a travel agent on the side. I spoke with him yesterday and he's going to send me some solo vacation ideas for the holidays. I'm going to plan to be gone for both Thanksgiving and Christmas and put my phone on airplane mode the whole time. I need a BREAK! Keep your fingers crossed for me that I can make this happen, y'all!