How to stop dating people with disorganized attachment?

[Wilderhearts]

The last two people I've dated had disorganized attachment.  One straight up told me he had "fearful" attachment early on, and my therapist told me that the other was exhibiting disorganized attachment.

The man seemed to have long waves of avoidance and shorter but consistent waves of over-giving in terms of effort and gifts, and being receptive and accountable about how the disappearing acts and inconsistent communication was affecting me.

The woman though, she could flip minute to minute or hour to hour between clingy, enmeshed, needing to be inside my brain, and then becoming critical, stand-offish, toxically defensive, and bailing on me if I set boundaries or didn't respond as she desired.  That was the pattern on a two week trip.  Before that, we had 3 years of stable friendship/8 months of dating where there were literally only two sentences where I saw any of that toxic, disorganized behaviour.

As I understand it, these two people have the same attachment style, and it manifests differently.

I understand now that both my parents (uNPD/BPDf and uBPDm) likely had/have disorganized attachment.  I understand that's the root cause.

What I don't understand is why I keep becoming attracted to people with disorganized attachment, especially when it's such a small proportion of people who have it.  How do we keep finding each other?  How did I not see it in the woman?

I thought I was attracted to them because (aside from both being beautiful), they're highly intelligent, high achieving, empathetic people who have similar values to me, and they both have hyperactive ADHD.  I have inattentive ADHD.  We complement each other so well because they're random and think fast enough to keep my attention.  I am also random but might think fast or slow or be totally distracted by 7 trains of thought. 

Gabor Mate also hypothesizes that people with any type of ADHD had to give out more attention than they received as children.  So for all of us, attention is a huge love language, because we run a historical deficit of (parental) attention.  We've very good at giving it to things or people who capture our interest (especially when we share interests), and we love having others' full attention.

I need to stop dating people with disorganized attachment.  What have I been missing?  Why am I attracted to them?  Is it primarily the attention thing?

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Wilderhearts,

People without secure attachment styles are everywhere. I don't have any good experience attracting them myself. What happens when you are around someone who has a secure attachment style? Do you like being around them? Do you mesh with them?

Trees

[Wilderhearts]

Hi Trees,

Good question.  My first long-term relationship was with someone securely attached, who never showed anxious/avoidant behaviours, let alone both at the same time.  It was wonderful.  I felt like I was always on level ground with him, always chosen, always heard.  Zero drama.  The excitement in our relationship came from chosen adventures and silliness.

I could say the last line was absolutely true about the flip-floppy woman with disorganized attachment, though.  At least until the last two weeks.

I think the difference with the securely attached man was immediate feelings of closeness rather than just intrigue, and the quality of the "sparks."  With both disorganized attached people, we clicked so hard so early on.  The sparks were not subtle like they were with the securely attached man.  I thought it was the neurodivergence and shared interests, but maybe we were all over-attaching, even though there was never any trauma-dumping or oversharing like that.

I was immediately attracted to all of them in every way, so maybe that's not the problem.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Wilderhearts,

It's not an area I know much about. The beginnings of relationships are tricky, which is why we are all given the advice to take things slow and be observant when dating.

My understanding of disorganized attachment style is that it could be about safety. When the person feels safe, they are happy with their partner and when they feel unsafe, they are unhappy with their partner. Once everyone is back in their happy mood, it can feel 'good' - but it doesn't last and the relationship never feels stable.

But during the early dating phase, I can appreciate it would be hard to see signs of what is to come - with someone who is happy during the early dating phase.

Long term, as you know, having a partner who runs hot and cold is very taxing on you.

When someone does not securely attach to their partner in a healthy way (after the dating phase ends and the couple feels closer), then problems arise. The person without secure attachment - they are probably going to have some combination of anxiety and avoidance...it is their reaction to not being securely attached to you.

Which they could then blame you for, because they feel it is up to you to provide the secure attachment for the relationship. I have seen that in several people - they don't know how to securely attach to others, and they blame other people for the lack of stability and intimacy in their relationships.

My 2 cents...It is wise of you to reflect on this and talk to your therapist about it because the truth is, no one can 'give' another adult a secure attachment, but there are people who might expect that we give them the secure attachment they've never had. What do you think?

Trees

[Wilderhearts]

Wow, I think you're bang on that she saw the lack of secure attachment as a result of my "failure" to respond how she wanted, rather than the direct consequence of her attachment abilities, and ability to behave in a secure way herself.

I didn't realize just how much implicit blame was being put on me.  That's actually pretty validating.

I was aware of this dynamic when, for the first time in days, I tuned her out and tuned into myself for ~45 minutes.  I was just scrolling on my phone, and finally felt regulated and relaxed.  She just had to take that opportunity to tell me she felt "disconnected."  It seemed very correlated to my behaviour, and in that moment I started sobbing and apologizing for not meeting her needs.

But, I have been asking myself, if she's going to be that demanding and simultaneously defensive, completely reject self-reflection to defend her ego, of course she's going to feel disconnected.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Wilderhearts,

My understanding is that adults with disorganized attachment probably benefit from good therapy where this can be addressed. But they need to be ready and willing to look at how they set things up to fail. Otherwise, from what I've seen, they go through life blaming others for not 'giving' them secure attachment.

Their (subconscious) belief that others should / must give them emotional safety comes from their childhood. Good therapy can help people see that. It sounds harsh, but they are not really ready for adult relationships until they address this. They may be well developed in other areas of life, maybe they are very responsible in many ways, but with the emotional attachment part of dating, that disorganized attachment does cause problems for the couple. As you have experienced.


You're doing the same things I did to address the problems with attachment styles in relationships. Going to therapy to learn about my own needs, and noticing when you were calm and regulated, and what the people around you did with that. Like when you were relaxed and enjoying scrolling on your phone, this upset her - she wasn't able to just join you in being relaxed, she had to make it about her.

You started out asking about how to date people who don't have that disorganized attachment style. I've struggled to find people who don't have avoidant attachment styles. I'm at the point now where I let them go, rather than keep the thing going. But it's hard. It does suck that it is hard to find people with secure attachment styles for dating / friendship.

I think it helps if we practice looking for signs of secure attachment in people. In my own experience people with a secure attachment style can appreciate when I'm calm and enjoying something (like scrolling on the phone).

When I'm relaxing, people without secure attachment will often have some sort of problem with what I'm doing to relax. They will find some way of making it about them again so that I stop relaxing and pay attention to them. Again.

I've also looked back at my life and looked at how so many people I knew, were upset with me for being tired. That is a huge red flag that this person does not have a secure attachment style. They are mad at me for needing to rest? I used to feel so confused by that. Now I know that it is because they didn't have a secure attachment style, and so they saw me as someone who had to meet their needs. If I went off to have a nap then I couldn't be available for what they needed. Their anxiety was so high, and it showed itself in many ways once I was able to look for it.

Trees

[Pinkos]

@wilderhearts and @treesgrowslowly what an interesting discussion. I feel like a lot of this applies to non-romantic relationships as well. It's an interesting exercise I think to query our anxieties and see if it's being foisted on us by those around us.

The point about people feeling anxious when you're relaxed or resting definitely applies to my FOO. There was no way to relax around them. You've really made me think about various interactions I have with certain people where I feel like there's a presumption that I will be attentive to them and how that creates anxiety within me. As you have pointed out, the anxiety comes from their subconscious upset (blaming) at me. Feeling like you're always doing something wrong something many of us have been conditioned to feel about ourselves brings about a lot of anxiety/stress.

And this is so well put:

But, I have been asking myself, if she's going to be that demanding and simultaneously defensive, completely reject self-reflection to defend her ego, of course she's going to feel disconnected.

I think this is where self-differentiation comes in. The ability to stay within oneself despite what the other is doing. Rejecting the blame! And ultimately, for a long-term committed relationship self-differentiation is key. We have to cultivate it within ourselves and we need it from the other. Otherwise, what's life gonna be like? Chaos, I think.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Pinkos,

So true. I think it is hard for people with disorganized attachment to calm themselves down, so they look to their partner for a lot. While also being defensive. If they can't reflect on their stuff it makes it hard to have a relationship with them.

Trees

[Cat of the Canals]

The beginnings of relationships are tricky, which is why we are all given the advice to take things slow and be observant when dating.

This was my thought when reading this thread and wondering how one might "avoid" those with a particular attachment style. I think most people are on their best behavior in the beginning of a relationship. They call it the "honeymoon period" for a reason. All you can really do is take things slowly and watch for red flags.

Your comment about having a friendship with the woman for 3 years with almost no inkling that something was off sounds a lot like my mother. She puts on a very good show for her friends and acquaintances. I have no doubt they think she is a stable, emotionally well-balanced person. She saves all of her dysfunction for her family, and it only comes out behind closed doors.