Shame-driven goals

[Call Me Cordelia]

Uggggh I wrote on another thread my fitness goals were to touch my toes and be able to do a pull up. Well it just occurred to me those are the two things that I was shamed the heck out of for not being able to do in gym class in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. I had a really mean teacher. And No, I'm not motivated by self-care or self-love or wanting to be a stronger person or whatever. I'm ashamed and angry about what was done to seven-year-old me and ashamed that I STILL can't do it and I just feel so pathetic and worthless. Most of the time I just avoid anything that looks like "working out." But I'm shoulding myself and trying to be perfect again. But damnit I do want to just be able to do those two things that SHOULD be easy. Maybe if I could do it I would be able I shut that shame
Down, but another part says HAH it only took you thirty years, loser. This feels like an impossible double bind. Please help me reframe and be nice to myself?

[bloomie]

Stop treating yourself this way right now!!

One of the most fit humans I know cannot touch his toes. Never has been able to. Body won't let him. The end.

And as for the pull up! Come on! Those are hard and some of us will never have the upper body strength to do that and the teacher's expectation you would be able to at seven! That is just terrible to put on a child!

Movement is beautiful and joyful. Our bodies are a miracle and trying to stuff them into a certain "should" is not serving you. You don't have to master any type of movement unless you want to and it brings you a sense of completion and well being. But... you already knew that!

Send that toxic shame right back where it came from and away from your heart and mind!!! 

[notrightinthehead]

 

Dear Cordelia, is there any type of movement you enjoy? Anything? Dancing? Boxing? Yoga? Walking? Gardening? Do that! Do more of that! and relish the enjoyment.

Also work on your self talk. I really had times when I said aloud to myself "Come on now, give me a break!" Silence these unfair, critical voices in your mind. They are lying to you. They are not a true reflection of your worth.

[Happypants]

To hell with what that complete dinosaur of a teacher told you you ought to be able to do! And with that, to hell with working out too! Nobody but you gets to decide what your physical abilities and enjoyment are.  As notrightinthehead said, do what you enjoy and do it for the enjoyment, then if and when you can touch your toes and/or do a pull-up, it's just a mere happy side effect of doing what you enjoy x

[NarcKiddo]

Please don't put a pull up into your goal list unless you actually want to be able to do one. I actually do want to and have for years. I also wanted to do a push up. Even with a coach and a proper strength training program and being the right weight and having a pretty decent level of strength it took me two years to get the push up. And another two to get the pull up, and even then that was a one-off when I was very stressed and running on adrenaline prior to abdominal surgery, which put me back a long way. It is a really thankless goal to have if you are trying to be kind to yourself.

Toe touching is also a pretty thankless goal. Not everyone has the flexibility or body shape to get a toe touch easily or at all. And what practical use does it have anyway?

If you want a goal that is kind to you, then just move your body every day and make it a non-negotiable habit. Motivation comes and goes but a habit will stick. Try different things. Stretch for 10 minutes. Go for a walk. If you have access to a gym try different machines. Try weight training. Whatever. I have gone from a couch potato to an ardent exercise lover and the benefits of exercise really cannot be overstated. For mind as well as body. But it can take a while to find what pleases you.

I also had a series of utterly awful gym teachers as a child and had no skills or co-ordination. The thought of hiring a coach was pretty grim but I wanted to try weights and needed a coach. Oddly enough, hiring the coach was a large part of the key. The dynamics are totally different when you are hiring someone to help you towards a goal.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do (something or nothing) but please try to step away from the shame-driven goals.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thanks, you guys. I honestly had no idea that pull-ups were actually hard. I thought it was just me. And I grew up doing ballet and surrounded by girls doing splits, so... Anyway I thought I was doing a good thing for myself and getting my act together and whoops there's my trauma yet again!

This is definitely yet another round of internalizing expectations that don't actually belong to me. If I can just do all the things just like everyone wants me to do, then maybe I'll be worthy of the space I take up on this planet.

I'll have to think about what my true goals really are, but I do want to be stronger and have better posture.

[Cat of the Canals]

We had to do pull-ups in 8th grade as part of one of those presidential fitness tests. In my entire class, two girls were able to do at least one. Two. Out of probably 15 or 16. I don't remember ever even attempting a pull-up before then.

[wisingup]

I've never done a real pull-up, or a real push-up, for what it's worth, though I think I'm reasonably fit for my age.  Do you do any yoga?  I am not currently doing it, but it's wonderful for strength and flexibility as well as relaxation.  I think I just talked myself into starting it up again   

[Boat Babe]

Try yoga. It's totally uncompetetive and you can achieve your goal of strength and posture. Not a pull up in sight but a real centering and balancing of the body. Can't recommend it enough. Only do exercise you enjoy. No point putting yourself through misery. You've suffered enough. I also recommend dancing to loud music in the kitchen when there's no-one around. Twenty minutes of boogie-ing to music you love does wonders for the body and the mind.

[Call Me Cordelia]

We had those presidential fitness tests too, and the gym teacher was determined that 100% would pass and we would get a reward when we did. We also could "hang" for a certain number of seconds. I could do that but that option was clearly for wimps.

But guess who disappointed the entire class because I couldn't touch my toes. I have clear memories of being ordered to stretch every night, doing it secretly in my room lest my family make fun of me, still failing, crying in gym that I was stretching, and the teacher telling me I was clearly lying in front of everyone. This was a yearly torture.

My husband and I did go to our neighborhood rec center today. It was surprisingly empty for January 2. I did some time on the elliptical and tried a few weight machines. Not sure what will stick yet, but getting out of the house is part of the appeal so I plan to keep going there.

[walking on broken glass]

I second all the advice here not to do anything that you don't actually feel like doing! Move for your own fun and enjoyment, do what makes you feel good. I was also shamed by PE teachers at school for not being strong enough or flexible enough, just one of the 'academically good students who are rubbish at sport'. Guess what, they were rubbish at their jobs. Years later I discovered the joy of exercising and found out it's pretty normal to be good at some things and less good at others.

[tf322]

I think the President's fitness test messed with a lot of us.  You are not alone!  I hope you might also be able to take a step back and realize the insight you are showing right now, I'm proud of you!  Don't be bound by previous shame, transform fitness into something that brings you joy.  While not a prerequisite, if you have a friend or partner that you can let in, you can both undertake an activity together.  It's wonderful to have a trusted friend to motivate each other.  This is on your time, and that child that was terrorized by their gym teacher is protected by a fully actualized person capable of defending them!