How to work on abandonment problems

[dealzz15]

Hi, I think I have a deep-rooted with abandonment and it all just clicked. So Ive realized recently that I haven't been able to fully trust and open up to my new friends in college and Ive been trying to figure out why and I think its the fear of being hurt from them/them leaving me cause I'm disposal. I know that this isn't how they see me, but it still feels like that even though I know those feelings are being triggered from my past. My body doesn't realize that though.

Then I've been having memories come back and for the first time in a while could remember memories past high school. So my dad had a stroke 6th grade around my birthday and I forgot how much it affected me. I read old messages/emails from that time and saw how angry I was and showed signs of not having an emotional outlet. My family also never addressed the issues directly and was the first time in my life where it was a problem that I didn't know how to manage my emotions and it was too much for me to handle.I didn't really remember this because of how traumatic my highschool is 

I was also adopted so I don't know if that has any correlation with what I'm feeling but I've never really had a problem with the fact I'm adopted and I was really young like a year old. its never seemed to be a direct issue like  a cause of a problem.

Then in the end of middle school all of my friends left me and stopped talking to me. I do acknowledge that I started it with one of my friends when I made a joke at their expense about something that they were vulnerable about and instead of saying sorry I was stubborn and pushed the issue more instead of admitting I was wrong. but my other friends didn't have an issue with it and also defended it and talked trash about the person with me after. Then later Idk when since it was so long ago and isn't my primary trauma they stopped talking to me and excluded me without saying anything. Even my best friend, I remember she sat next to me everyday in class then moved to the next table without saying anything. I'm realizing now how much that hurt and how it felt being excluded. I applied to a better highschool and got in and I didn't even want to go there, I just felt that I had to because I had no friends.

Then in highschool I really struggled with the pace and I think I had undiagnosed adhd because multiple thoughts circled so fast and I couldn't concentrate on what I wanted to say and struggled keeping up with the work with a school that was already really hard. There was an accumulation of things that happened there I wont get into details. But the big thing that happened that triggered my fight and flight is that my best friend from summer camp  attempted to take his life and I stopped him and it really affected me because he was going through the same thing I was going through. It took me months to recover because I didn't know how to manage the emotions that came with it and I was just nnumb and going through the motions at school. Fast forward our friendship wasn't the same after that and because we couldn't communicate due to being raised by narcissistic fathers. It caused a lot of issues and he refused to acknowledge any of it happened which slowly because a problem and ruined the friend. I asked two years later if we could talk about it because I was experiencing ptsd symptoms still from the day I saved him and he said no then it turned to a three week fight where he didn't want to talk about it so he blocked me and didn't give me the closure I needed for an event he involved me in. It took a long time to get over that one

And now my best friend from highschool is experiencing very serious health problems and is at a level of unstable and there's so much uncertainty if she'll make it. Shes the last person I have in my life from childhood that I really love and trust and just naturally feel safe with. Shes also have been my emotional crutch since the beginning that we've met.

I think it just hit me that I have a problem with being abandoned and it dictates my decisions so I don't get hurt. It's getting worse as my best friend is getting sicker and sicker too and I think its the reason why my inside is crying.

It all hurts but I'm trying to acknowledge everything I can, its just becoming too much at this moment all at once. it just makes me feel so alone.

Does anyone have any good book suggestions or podcasts that cover this topic? I feel like I do best when I have real advice about what to do then I try it and see if I'm feeling physically better. Ive just been feeling like my insides have being crying all weak and nothing is comforting it. I've been journaling a lot and its only been somewhat working but I've just been feeling really down.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi. I'm so sorry for all of these losses. Of course you would be feeling really down as your best friend is possibly dying.

I relate to your history of serial losses as it happens. Multiple times through my school years I would have one good friend in school for a year, and then that friend would move away. My emotions and need for comfort were not recognized, much like you describe around the time of your father's stroke in sixth grade. And now that you are in a period of grief again, it makes sense that all those un-grieved griefs and feelings of being abandoned would be bubbling up alongside. I'm sorry.

It would make sense if you may have a pattern of defending yourself by keeping people at arm's length. A lot of us do that. However, you are a college freshman? And these are new friends? I would say that most of the time opening up at these deep levels, giving others a view into the very difficult wounds you carry, would take a long time in establishing friendships with that level of trust. And it would be only a very privileged few who would be granted that intimacy. You may share that you are feeling down because of your dear friend's health for example, if you want to, but not get too detailed, and that would be perfectly appropriate I think. No need to rush into oversharing. Something else we folks with trauma might do.

It's hard to just be normal.

You asked for a book or a podcast, but nothing specific readily comes to mind. I think self-compassion, self-care, and self-soothing could be the right direction for you right now. Perhaps someone else has a good suggestion. There isn't a way to do this "right." I would focus on getting good sleep, food, and exercise, get outdoors, take care of your spiritual needs and talk to God if you believe in Him, and love on your friend. I know for myself, in early healing, I wanted to just do all the things, get it done, get better and move on with my new normal life. You seem to be possibly similarly wanting to fix it now that you are recognizing the problems at work. But it truly is not something you can attack head-on most of the time. It's all about being gentle with yourself and giving yourself what you need for your next step and taking the time you need. I wish you all the best.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi there,

I agree with Call me Cordelia's advice around giving these new friendships time. Even though you may be ready for a level of deep sharing with people at college, it is important to let new friendships develop over time.

You are going to meet different people who have different things to offer to a friendship with you. When I was in college, I had a college friend who liked to go shopping with me. That was what we did together. That was her thing. When I wanted someone to go for a meal with, and talk about school, she wasn't the right person to do that with. I wish I had known more about how each friendship is unique, while also knowing what to look for in a confidante level friend.

I agree with Cordelia and am guilty of oversharing when I was younger. I wanted those close friends who might help me when I was having a bad day. Sometimes we meet someone in college who is that good friend, but honestly - many people in their 20's are not going to be looking for that.

If I could do my college years over again I would find a counsellor to talk to so that I had someone I could talk to about some of the stress in my life, that my friends might not be good at understanding. I would focus on finding people who share my same interests so that we could go out and enjoy the same events or movies or activities.

For books or podcasts, have you heard about the Crappy Friends podcast? They answer questions about different types of friendships and I think a lot of people learn about friendships by listening to podcasts like that. They also wrote a book that has some advice in it regarding the process with new friends.

There's also crappy childhood fairy on youtube who talks about abandonment, and how to cope with being dysregulated. She has advice on how to journal to help cope with feelings of abandonment fears. She has a kind voice and presence in her videos. I learned a lot from her videos over the years.

Trees